<p>After visiting this forum for a while, this article just seemed needed</p>
<p>Hovering</a> parents need to step back at college time - CNN.com</p>
<p>What one person calls a helicopter, the next person calls the fireman's safety net at the bottom of the burning building. </p>
<p>I think each thoughtful family, many represented on this forum, struggles to find the right balance between being neglectful/indifferent v. interfering/overbearing. </p>
<p>Good practice for not hovering is to be in an intergenerational social situation with the high schooler and NOT finish his/her setences. I see many seniors this time of year being asked by other adults about their college plans or process. As the kid begins to reply, the parent finishes the sentences. Now is a good time to practice stepping back and let the kid answer (or not answer, as is his right) for himself.</p>
<p>Coaching kids on how to approach adults (deans, employers, landladies, future in-laws...) is most of what I do these days, but I don't run interference ever, because it would make the kids look and feel weak.</p>
<p>From the article:</p>
<p>"A report from the National Survey of Student Engagement reported 86 percent of first-year college students were in frequent contact with their mother via phone or computer. And 71 percent of freshmen communicated frequently with their fathers. The same report concluded students with higher levels of parental involvement had significantly lower grades."</p>
<p>Interesting, I wouldn't have guessed that.</p>
<p>Reading "Stories from College Part Eleventy-Zillion" thread shows many kids who are making their own (funny) mistakes, but some are clearly relying way more on their parents than our generation did - probably because cell phones make it a lot easier to call mom & dad anytime anywhere, so no matter how far away the kid is they can still get "help" at a moment's notice, instead of attempting to solve a problem themselves.</p>
<p>Anyway, after nagging my hs D for the past week to make up the work that she missed from her week out of school with the flu, I do need to back off. She keeps saying, "Mom it's my work. I can handle it. I've never turned anything in late before." So I'll just have to take a deep breath and hope that she will tell me if/when she needs me to call a math tutor before it's too late!</p>
<p>" The same report concluded students with higher levels of parental involvement had significantly lower grades."</p>
<p>Probably doesn't indicate cause and effect, however. My guess is that the parents are helicoptering because the kids are immature and need lots of parental involvement in order to pass their classes.</p>
<p>My personal experience with older S, who was like that, is that if a kid needs that much parental involvement, the student isn't ready yet for college.</p>
<p>I think that helicopter parents are getting so much press that some parents are erring in the opposite direction. We were recently talking to a mom who decided that her college freshman needed to be totally on his own. He checked one wrong box on a college form that caused a WORLD of problems...had the mom proofed the form, or even glanced over it, she could have prevented the problem.</p>
<p>It was his responsibility to proofread his app or to ask someone to proofread it for him. It wasn't Mommy's responsibility to insist on her proofreading it.</p>
<p>The student could have prevented a WORLD of problems by asking someone responsible to proofread or by being a more careful proofreader himself.</p>
<p>But it caused a problem that son didn't know how to fix. So then Mommy had to spend a whole lot of time fixing the problem. Sure, you can say that Mommy didn't have to fix the problem, shouldn't have fixed it....so he ends up out of college, maybe never to return, because of no parental assistance? Makes no sense to me.</p>
<p>One more point: These parents were helicoptors when son was in high school. I think kids need to be weaned from help. Let's take laundry. If you go from "Mom does all laundry" directly to "Kid does all his laundry" you end up with some ruined clothes. If you go from "Mom does all laundry" to "Mom teaches kid how to do laundry" to "Kid does all his laundry", the outcome is better. So many people I know hover till they're sick of it, then pull out quickly, essentially washing their hands of all parenting in the course of a day. Wrong approach in my book.</p>
<p>This thread which points to an article on the same study, comes to a completely different conclusion on helicopter parents. </p>
<p>Kuh, the survey director, said students with helicopter parents "trumped their peers on every measure we use," even after controlling for parental education, college selectivity and size.</p>
<p>Apparently, grades were the only area that helicopter kids did worse on. Could be lots of reasons for that that are unrelated to or even the reason for the helicoptering. The study itself alludes to the fact that the more intense helicoptering may be done by parents of kids who had learning difficulties, physical or emotional issues, etc so their grades would naturally be lower, even with the additional help from parents. Kinda like parents who celebrate just as wildly when little Susie gets a single A in Math as they do when little Johnnie brings home all A's AGAIN. They know the kids and know that what it took Susie to get that A was every bit as noteworthy as what it takes Johnnie to maintain all those A's. What I found interesting was the indication that the grades were lower for helicopter kids but the level of critical thinking was higher. Hmmmm. Reasons for this anyone?</p>
<p>As for me, I'll take this </p>
<p>"Compared with their counterparts, children of helicopter parents were more satisfied with every aspect of their college experience, gained more in such areas as writing and critical thinking, and were more likely to talk with faculty and peers about substantive topics," said survey director George D. Kuh, an Indiana University professor.</p>
<p>as a measure of a successful college experience and future ability to succeed over grades every time.</p>
<p>Aww, zixxa, you beat me to the link! Anyway, I agree with you on succcessful college experiences. </p>
<p>There's also no definition of "helicoptering." What's one family's helicopter is another family's good parenting. It's like the definition of "middle aged" (10 years older than I am) or "rich" ($100,000 more than I have) - "helicoptering" is doing more than I would. Not an objective definition. And there's no way to tell what definition the authors of the study are using.</p>
<p>If a college student is in a jam and the parents are able to easily help out but don't, do you think the child respects the parents for that later, or grows to hate the parents? Wonder if there are any studies. </p>
<p>I know a couple with a son who has profound learning differences. They have advocated for him very little over the years, with the result that he almost didn't graduate from HS. They decided he should be totally on his own. He found a college hundreds of miles away that would accept him. After only a few days in the far away city, he wrecked his car. It was insured, but he doesn't have the $500 to pay the deductible. His parents won't give it to him or loan it to him (even though they easily could). Their answer is "get a job and save it up." Of course, with no car in a small city with little public transportation, he can't find a job. Seems to me like the lesson the parents are teaching the son is "We want you to fail."</p>
<p>My parents left all things related to college up to me. Everything. BTDT. I'm doing it differently with mine. I do what I can to help them if they want the help. I only don't ever represent them -- they do the phone calling, the writing, the interviewing, the making and continuing contact in all cases. But if there's information I can get for them (most of it is easy for them to get anyway, or support I can provide (proofing, filling out things related to our finances, research on colleges, finaid, travel, going to the post office, reminding them of deadlines, photocopying, etc.) then I'm happy to do it. I wish my own parents had done as much.</p>
<p>It's kind of odd for parents to leave all scholarship related stuff to their kids, unless they truly don't need the money. If my child misses a deadline or doesn't fill in a blank, it could cost me 40 grand or so....</p>
<p>
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if a kid needs that much parental involvement, the student isn't ready yet for college
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</p>
<p>
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The student could have prevented a WORLD of problems by asking someone responsible to proofread or by being a more careful proofreader himself.
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</p>
<p>I didn't realize there were such black and white rules about what makes a student ready for college - or that they were expected to be perfect by the time they are 17!! (guess I am STILL not ready, based on both counts)</p>
<p>
[quote]
I do what I can to help them if they want the help.
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</p>
<p>I think this is the key. I explained to my S that if he wants something ask for it and we can discuss it. </p>
<p>When it came down to financial information and parental forms in the college application process, he had to tell me what form and when it was due. I had told him in advance that his lack of planning (waiting until the last minute to tell me he needed something from me) was not going to be my emergency. </p>
<p>He knew I meant it and proceeded to get all his stuff on a spread sheet and it all worked fine. </p>
<p>I mentioned in May of his senior yesar in HS that some parents were already talking about having booked their soon to be freshman S's Thanksgiving air reservations. I told him his travel to/from school budget and suggested that he might want to check this out and get it done. </p>
<p>He didn't take care of it and it cost him over double. He has made early bookings every since because that extra money came out of his money. Does he hate me (missypie's query) for not taking over and running his show to avoid these slip ups? I don't think so. </p>
<p>He started talking about Winter Break early and asked for a ticket to Jackson Hole to go stay with a HS buddy and ski in mid-January as his X-mas present. I looked up what a deep discount RT cost. I told him the amount and said I'd fund that as his gift. I mentioned that if he would book early so he could use my air miles for the ticket, I'd give him the $$, but in no event was I going to pay more money than the deep discount price. Shazam--he got it done.</p>
<p>If you talk to your student and let them see there is a downside to not getting their stuff taken care of (and let them goof up at first without rescuing them), they will start getting it done. </p>
<p>Just taking over and continuing to do it all for them does nothing but prolong adolescence, and at some point, developes the failure to launch prototype.</p>
<p>Right, scansmom, lots of very able professionals rely heavily on administrative assistants to help them proofread, keep track of deadlines, etc.</p>
<p>I would call myself a helicopter parent regarding my son. I have helped him in every step of the way regarding college, including having all his applications in last summer (including all the essays). He did find one other college to apply to over Christmas break. A funny thing happened along the way; not only did he really appreciate it (after watching everyone struggle to get their applications in on time), but suddenly this very uncool (and maybe overbearing) dad became all of his friend's go to guy to help them with college applications. The house of the uncool dad who didn't allow drinking or drug use in any way, suddenly became the place to hang out and do college applications and essays. I fielded dozens of calls from other parents looking for help, especially with the Common Application. So, if I am a helicopter parent, so be it. I will proudly wear that badge while other parents could care less about their kids and don't even know if their kid applied to college. Funny thing in that article, I bet my kids call me more than my wife. Way more!</p>
<p>07DAD, if your child had not kept up with the financial information and made his requests in a timely manner,would you have refused to do it at the last minute? Then if he couldn't get financial aid because of it, and as a result, he/you couldn't afford school, would you have been fine with him going to community college or not going to college at all?</p>
<p>hate helicopter parents. especially many of the parents of kids at my school</p>
<p>missypie- my S applied to 6 schools. Your hypothetical would have him late at all 6 schools. If my S was late on all 6, I'd say he needed a gap year to grow up and apply again. What he surely wouldn't need is me rescuing him 6 times.</p>
<p>My point is that by rescuing, a parent creates the child's willingness/need to be rescued somemore. Well defined statements of what is going to be their responsibility and a history of the parent not cratering in to avoid the "ouch" usually results in the student getting it done. </p>
<p>My S wanted to go to the schools he applied to, not a community college, so he wasn't going to drop the ball once he knew it was in his court. Besides, a student can apply the next year.</p>
<p>The helicopter way, the parent decides "this is important" and makes sure it happens. I don't think it should come as any surprise that the student takes the attitude that if it is so important to mom, let her keep up with it and jump through all the hoops to avoid a crash landing.</p>
<p>Gotta agree with 07Dad on this one. Months ago there was a thread that had a "quiz" and mine came out "could helicopter more" or some such statement, but I firmly believe that part of "growing a child" is letting them gradually assume more and more responsibility.</p>