incredibly strict parents.

Parents Forum
1

<p>So I am senior writing on the parents board, but I need some advice. My parents are extremely strict. (Ex: No talking to boys outside of school via text, call, email, in person. No guy friends or boyfriends. No tank tops, shorts, bikinis. No sleeping over or going over to anyones house besides my best friend. Not allowed to go to college away from home. Not allowed to attend school dances etc.,) Well, senior year is approaching and college searching has begun. My parents do not want me to go away to college, they want me to stay home and attend a local university. The school is gorgeous and a really good school, but I need to get out. I want to live and experience life because the rules they have me under and way too suffocating. I want to go to a out of state school, but my parents said they won't pay for any other college besides the local university & they want me to live at home. I am so stuck. I want to be independent, I will never learn how to be an adult or mature if I have to live at home. They won't listen to me when I try to talk to them, they get mad or brush it off and say "Your NOT going away for college!''</p>

<p>It is so frustrating. What can I say/do to make them let me go away??</p>

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<p>Dreamin,
There probably are no magic words that will cause your parents to change their minds. They clearly are very firm in the convictions they have about raising their children. They probably have reasons that you don’t even know about from their own growing up years that are causing them to try to protect you.</p>

<p>I think the best you could hope for would be to appeal to your parents allow you to attend the local college and live on campus. That way they could still be involved in your life, could know your friends, etc. Do you think they would consider that even from a purely financial point of view, or would they consider that a waste of money?</p>

<p>My husband and I were very strict parents, too. However, as your kids get older the reality hits that you will not be able to protect them from everything. The younger siblings typically have nowhere near the restrictions that the first born had. You are the first born, right? :)</p>

<p>I doubt it will help with the college decision, but either way there are some conversations you need to start having with your parents. When you have them, you need to be relaxed and respectful. Otherwise, communication will break down and you won’t be able to get your parents thinking.</p>

<p>Ask them to explain to you how they would like to see you begin taking responsibility for your own life as you grow into adulthood. Push for specifics, not generalities. Examples: when do you think I should start working? When should I start paying for my own car insurance? At what age would you feel comfortable with me dating (or even with me talking to guys on the phone)? Ask them to explain to you their hopes and desires for your life. How do they see the next few years playing out?</p>

<p>If you say, “I’m almost 18 and I’ll be an adult soon!” they will just roll their eyes. Don’t say that.</p>

<p>Tell them of your fears that you will not have any more freedoms in college than you did in high school. Don’t make accusations; just tell them what you are worried about. After all that, don’t push them to give ground. Let them have some time to think about what you have said.</p>

<p>I said that my husband and I were very strict parents. While our kids were still in high school, we saw what happened with some of the kids we knew who also had strict parents. Typically, at some point when they were 20 or 21, they just flew the coop. Their parents weren’t allowing them to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives, so they finally had to just leave. It was a terrible time for their families and for them when this happened. There was so much damage done to their relationships. However, in every case that I remember, the kids and parents were eventually reconciled, and the kids have grown into model citizens. I share that part to say that your parents have probably done a really good job raising you. I am guessing you aren’t at risk of becoming a criminal or a drug addict. Be grateful for that even while you are being frustrated. </p>

<p>In the end, your parents’ money is theirs to spend however they’d like. They do not owe you a college education. You will be 18 and will have the right to leave their home and make your own rules. If they are willing to use some of their money to pay for college for you locally but are unwilling to use it for an out of state school, that is really their decision. Whether you accept their offer to pay for the local university, with the strings that come along with that, is your decision.</p>

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<p>I don’t know what your stats are like, but my advise is to apply to schools that are generally known to give a lot of merit aid, or if you are financially needy, schools that guarantee to meet 100 percent of your need. If one of the out of state schools, or one of the non-local schools, happens to offer you a good package that makes it much more affordable for you and your family to leave, that could be a way of negotiating moving away to college. </p>

<p>I think you’re very fortunate to be in a state like California, assuming you are UC eligible and can have some really good options if you’re accepted to UCLA or Berk. I don’t know what part of Cali you live in but it would be very hard to reject either, and hopefully one is closer to home than the other. Ask to dorm during the week, and they can personally pick you up during the weekend or something.</p>

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<p>Hey dreamin,
timely makes some great points and her suggestion (live on campus at the local college) seems like a good one, because it would give you the distance you’re craving while giving your parents time to ease themselves gently into the concept of your independence. And there are some darned fine public schools in your state, as of course you know.</p>

<p>From the safety perspective, you might point out that being on campus (with RAs in the hall and an emergency call box on every corner) could be safer than commuting to school on California streets (been there, done that, still shiver when I think of it ;)).</p>

<p>And as liek pointed out, if you have a really good record and are not home-schooled (read: you can get your transcripts submitted), there are other options.
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/148852-what-ive-learned-about-full-ride-scholarships.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/148852-what-ive-learned-about-full-ride-scholarships.html&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/211927-institutional-merit-based-scholarships-full-tuition.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/211927-institutional-merit-based-scholarships-full-tuition.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I hope you can work things out with your parents.</p>

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<p>dreaminofcollege, you do not say if there are religious or ethic background foundations for their beliefs and behaviors. If this is the case then a different approach is required. </p>

<p>I was a Girl Scout leader of a multi-cultural troop and had to make many accommodations for the different philosophies as to what was acceptable for a daughter in those cultures. A daughter in a traditional family in the US has a much harder time with one foot in each culture. Arguments will not get you anywhere. If this is your case, is there another adult in the same tradition that your parents respect that can help you craft a compromise? Are you indicating that you are a dutiful daughter and will not abandon the tradition even if you are away? Are you willing to live in an environment at school that woudl be more restrictive and chaperoned? </p>

<p>Your parents have many concerns. You need to understand what they are and their foundation to craft an appropriate compromise. Your alternatives of leaving the family in these situations can be very drastic and have severe repercussions. Good luck.</p>

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<p>DD’s friend came from a very restrictive home -> friend used DD to lie about sneaking out with boys. Please don’t use your friends like that.</p>

<p>Stamping your feet and angry pouting will reinforce your parent’s impression that you are too young to be independent. You’ll have better luck enlisting adults that your parents respect, from your culture or church or social group.</p>

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<p>What are your stats?
Are your parents’ rules related to ethnicity/religion?</p>

<p>Is compromise possible: Living on the local college’s campus after, for instance, living at home and going to college there for a year? Transfer possible after 2 years? </p>

<p>How long do your parents expect you to live at home? Until you marry? Until you finish college?</p>

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<p>The way you’ve described your parents, do you WANT them paying for your college? Do you trust them with having that sort of hold over you during your college years?</p>

<p>I suggest that you go for financial independence. There are different ways to do that. Look at need-based-finaid policies of various schools. Look at schools with merit aid. Look at external scholarships - there are tons of them out there. If you qualify, look at something like ROTC that would pay your way. They can’t use their money to stop you from going out of state, or otherwise control you, if you are paying.</p>

<p>Obviously, there is a significant risk to this, in that it could have a negative effect, particularly in the short term, on your relationship with your parents. But from the way you describe this, I think there is eventually going to be some pain no matter what you do.</p>

<p>I think now, in a way that I didn’t understand when I was in high school, that financial independence can VASTLY improve the parent-child relationship in some cases.</p>

<p>If you think that it would be possible, through enlisting the support of friendly adults that they trust, to bring them around, by all means, try that first. But you may not know any such adults, and it may still not work, or the “compromise” may end up giving you very little.</p>

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<p>I would just note as a point of information that if you are a U.S. citizen or permanent resident age 18, you can join the U.S. military without parental consent.</p>

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<p>dreaminofcollege, there was a student at my kids’ school whose parents didn’t want her to go to college at all! Dad wanted her to return to their country to marry (she was 16). With the help of her teachers and some adult friends of her parents, they were convinced to let her go to the prestigious school where she was accepted.</p>

<p>While I don’t think your situation is as dire as hers, you may want to try the same approach. Do your parents have friends (whom they trust) who would support your decision to attend the school of your choice? Would they listen to your GC or teachers? </p>

<p>There may be room for a compromise, stay for 1-2 yrs and go to school locally and transfer to your school of choice. Not everything is set in stone…good luck!</p>

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<p>You are not stuck. You have some options, but it means giving up something to make them happen.</p>

<p>After you are 18/graduate high school - you can move to the other side of the world if you want. But you’ll have to work and pay for it yourself. That is the trade-off.</p>

<p>Maybe your parents will compromise with you, such as living in a dorm in the local college. Or transfer after 2 years to a different school. But assume for now that isn’t the case… do you want total freedom and the financial responsibilities with that choice? Or do you want to spend 4 years at a local college before taking that leap?</p>

<p>I also disagree that you can not “grow up” if you are living at home during your 4 years of college. There will be some restrictions if you live with your parents, but being grown up is not just about having 100% freedoms. I do agree that eventually you need to move out of a parent’s home to experience all that being “grown up” is about… but there are many many many kids out there that don’t move out until they are 22 or even older and they were able to mature gracefully into adulthood.</p>

<p>So - get clear with your parents what things they may be willing to compromise on and make some choices. I think at minimum you may want to finish 2 years of education at home and then try transferring (though knowing you may have to pay 100% of your transfer costs).</p>

<p>I agree military option is a fast ticket from independence from parents. But it also has the cost of being completely under the thumb of a new kind of authority for 4 years… trading one control for another. The experiences of the military will give you a new kind of maturity - one based on expecations and new experiences - but that control aspect would still be there.</p>

<p>There just isn’t a thing as total freedom… if you leave your parents at 18, you will be dancing the the tune of working to pay for food, rent and education. It is all trade-offs. I actually think that staying home for 4 years and having your degree before cutting all ties is a fairly good option, in spite of the “controls” that you are chaffing at - many kids aren’t even given that choice of a fully funded college education.</p>

<p>Best of luck,</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>
[QUOTE=jessiehl]

Look at need-based-finaid policies of various schools.

[/quote]
Just a side note – filing for need-based aid would require her parents’ cooperation.</p>

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<p>I am a parent. Yet, in situations similar to this, I am almost always on the side of the children. Not all parents’ actions are truly for the benefit of the children even though they are almost always cloaked in phrases like “we are doing this for you”. Whenever I am in disagreement with my kids over their choices, I always ask myself: Am I truly doing this and that for them or FOR ME? In many cases, careful examination of my own motives tell me the painful truth that it was my needs, not theirs that I was fighting for. I am constantly striving to be honest with my own motives.</p>

<p>Sadly, in many cases where parents want to exercise absolute power over the children’s life choices, going WAY beyond the normal cultural boundary, it’s really the parents need that are being served, NOT the children’s needs or benefits. Whatever pathologies compel them to do that does not matter. It’s not being done for the ultimate benefit of the children.</p>

<p>Let’s assume that you are not from very a specific religious/ethnic background that seems to come with the general imperative to control women’s freedom and independence. Under this condition, what your parents are doing is going way beyond the normal boundary -not letting you have any interaction with guy friends (not even a boy friend), etc. Even in the Victorian age, women had “friends and acquaintances” of opposite sex. </p>

<p>If you are of the ethnic/religious background mentioned above, then you have a different problem. It’s a question of how important it is for you to stay in that community. In my case, I left the community I was born in because I just never bought into any of the cultural imperatives they imposed on women. I NEVER missed my community, because I loved the life style I chose for myself so much. It was the best decision I ever made! But, hey, that’s me. It does not apply to everyone. Many people would be terribly unhappy to completely cut off from the culture they were born and raised in.</p>

<p>Either way, you have a choice. You could live by their rule or you can strike an independent life. I highly doubt that you can persuade or convince your parents to sudden let go of their life long belief & habits and let you go on their dime, at least, not soon enough for you.</p>

<p>If I were you, I would choose independence. If your stats are good, go for a full merit scholarship route combined with some types of loan. If that’s not the case, military is a good option. Some poster above mentioned that its another form of control. I don’t agree. It’s just the “organizational rules and regulations” you need to live with, just like any other “job setting”, but they don’t treat you like an infant by any means. Military is NOT necessarily a detour for career success either. Many employers see military experience VERY positively, and it may also give you some time to think about what you want to do. </p>

<p>Yes, if you strike independence now, it may strain your relationship with your parents for now. However, that can be repaired later when you can deal with them adult to adult. However, if you live by their rules now, and carry the sense of “injustice” of having been robbed of an opportunity to mature and grow as a young adult, that bitterness will poison your relationship with your parents much, much longer. Besides, what makes you think that their need for absolute control over you will magically disappear once you graduate from college and want to move on?</p>

<p>Just my two cents. I don’t know any specifics of your situation. You should take my input with a giant grain of salt. I am just speaking out of my own experience, which may not apply to you at all.</p>

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<p>Write them a thoughtful letter…so they have time to think about things without cutting you off. Tell them you love them but you would like to explore the option of building an independent life. Let them know you would like to have their support, financial or otherwise. Explain you are committed to looking at other ways to do this, even if it means with no money from them.<br>
Then do some research on schools that give generous merit aid and apply. Keep the local school in play.
Do you have any family members you can turn to for support? If not, maybe a guidance counselor or friend? It’s hard to do this alone!
Good luck to you!</p>

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<p>"If your stats are good, go for a full merit scholarship route combined with some types of loan. "</p>

<p>It’s very hard to get anything but relatively small loans without having a parent or other adult co-signer. It’s also very hard to get full merit aid.</p>

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<p>^^
Really depends on the stats. My son got lots of good merit offers and we never filled out a form (didn’t qualify for financial aid).
Go for the schools where you are clearly over the average stats. Lots of research required…</p>

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<p>Even with the best merit aid – which usually only goes to students with sky high stats, and is increasingly rare due to the economy – students still have to pay for books, transportation, etc., plus they need places to stay when school isn’t in session.</p>

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<p>OP- a lot of good ideas here. Here are some more. Try to enlist the aid of school professionals- teachers, guidance counselors- who can help your case. Definitely try to live on campus if the compromise is the local college. The truth is that by now your parents have done what they can to mold you as a person and they have to trust they have done their job- something they won’t listen to from you but may from some other respected adult. They may need to learn/a reminder that not all students fit the descriptions they hear about- there are plenty of good, well behaved students like they want their child to be.</p>

<p>I do not recommend the military as the answer- you give up a lot for that “free” education, the price may be higher than you want to pay. </p>

<p>I definitely do not recommend living at home even when the college is close to your parents’ home (notice- it is your parents’, not your adult home, you have yet to find that). However, my arguments for living on campus would scare your parents- freedom, the ability to make your own desicions… It all comes down to trust- how much can your parents learn to trust themselves in raising you. Find someone they and you trust to go over this with them.</p>

<p>A final thought. Your parents may change their minds if they can visit colleges and learn about them firsthand instead of what they learn secondhand. This would require planning to include seeing the safe side of the campuses- perhaps a visit to the campus religious centers of your parent’s faith (I bet they have one) for reassurance.</p>

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<p>dreaminofcollege-is there a possibility that you would not get into the local university? I see you are in Ca. and if you are considering UCLA, Berkeley or San Diego even if you are an excellent student it is not always a slam dunk. I know kids who got into Berkeley and San Diego but not UCLA.
Would your parents considering letting you apply to multiple UC’s. My friend just went up to orientation at Berkeley and roomed with another mother. The mother was extremely tense about her D going away to college. In this case the older child had lived at home and attended UCLA. Child 2 did not get into UCLA but did Berkeley. The mother said they were not happy with her going away but they had to go with the best ranked option.
I also have friends who are similar to your parents. They let their D go 2 hours from home and freshman year had her come home every weekend. Not ideal but if the other paid option is home.</p>

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<p>I was the first in my family to go to a non-Catholic college, so I know a bit about what you are dealing with.</p>

<p>I presume you are getting tons of college mail, like every other rising senior. Sit down with the more rational of your parents and go over some of them with him/her. Get them involved in the process. Make sure you point out all of the positive aspects of each school and the organizations that are available to each student.</p>

<p>Every parent gets concerned when their S/D goes off to college. You need to work on educating your parents about what the college experience is all about.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>