She is disappointed, not bitter.
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I think she is both disappointed and bitter, and I donât blame her. But unless she is certain the other two manipulated the uncleâs will, she should not hold a single molecule of resentment or discomfort in their direction. Itâs not their fault.
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Interpreting those emotions through the written word can be subjective; you are certainly entitled to your opinion, as I am to mine (which I continue to stand by).
Edited to add: I donât blame her either, but at least be emotionally honest with yourself.
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I think there is a presumption in families of âall are equal in the eyes of the family/parents.â At least until earned/justified otherwise. When that presumption is broken (and it often is), I think its easier to say the non-favored should just suck it up than it is to actually do that.
And in the end, playing favorites is a good way to have family members avoid talking with each other. In my experience, the non-favored tend to be more sensitive to this issue than the favored (who often end up going on to the next generation of favoritism). Probably makes sense in terms of supporting/following what worked for you and avoiding that which didnât.
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My dad is in poor health. Our step mom may get everything when he passes because we assume thereâs no will. She takes care of her three kids who live close by and we three live 3.5 hours away. I try to keep the peace with step mom and interact with the step-sibs. The step mom thinks we âgot paidâ when our grandfather passed away after our mom died. Well, her kidsâ dad is still alive.
@Iglooo hugs to you. Wills are filled with issues.
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I think this post is a bit mean spirited. The OP has said why heâs saddened but accusing him of bitterness isnât kind.
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@AustenNut The sting will be far greater if your siblings got 10 times more than you did. What do you say to that?
This is from a trusted uncle. You respected him as a decent guy who does right most of the time. You counted on him as someone you can go to in case of an emergency. You were his family. I donât think I am bitter, not in the way I define bitter anyway. I think I am honest with my feeling, thank you very much. Hurt, yes, betrayed probably, definitely greatly disappointed. It got awkward with cousins. Thatâs different from holding it against them. You just got announced you are valued less. Wouldnât you feel awkward, donât feel quite equal? There is no need to sugarcoat it. Or excuse it. Sh***y things happen in life. I would still like to communicate to others how I feel so I feel less awkward and more equal. Not sure how to do it yet without sounding âchurlishâ
I am surprised you see it as an easy call.
Isnât there a good chance that the first son would be hurt? He stood by dad, maintained a relationship, and helped him in his old age. Would it not sting that 2/3 of the estate went to the brothers/grandkids that never saw dad and maybe even never met him?
It might seem âfairâ to a grandkid who gets something from a grandparent he never met, but not so much to the grandkid who saw him weekly â âequalâ divisions can cause pain, too.
Thatâs why it is complicated. The OP was hurt by receiving a lesser share; I am wondering if someone else would be hurt if the share were 1/4 or more. Not everyone shares the same experience and view of events. Sometimes there might not be a way to please everyone and the deceased was just hoping that including a share for everyoneâ of whatever size â would relay that they mattered.
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Iâm sorry if I missed it- how did you find this out? The percentages? That you were getting 1/8? 1/8 of what?
I never expected anything from aunts and uncles and as expected have received nothing. . My older sister never married and has a nice amount of money to leave behind. I do hope she treats my sons equally but it is her money. And she volunteers for and gives money to charity and I hope she leaves money to the causes she currently supports. My sons are doing fine financially . My younger son definitely spends more time with her, but he is still unmarried himself. My older son and his wife are very attentive to her in their own way. They both love her and she has been wonderful to them.
I have first cousins, 2 sisters, who have been estranged for decades because the grandparents left everything to the sister who they felt had done the most for them. It is very sad.
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I see it as easy because you said he loved all his kids. To me, that means treating kids as equals. Some might disappoint some might not but essentially you donât get to judge their lives. If you think itâs fair to judge then itâs also possible to make up any rules you choose. The law would support you, the will would stand. But IMO, you havenât loved your children as you judged their lives and deemed one better than another. I donât think that one kid who visits is better than one who doesnât. The kid who has drug problems, likely has other issues as well. I feel for that kid/ adult. Iâm not going to write him/her off. Thereâs nothing my kids could do that would make me divide my estate in inequal parts. Obviously, others disagree. I just wonder if they feel satisfied knowing they got the last word with their will. I wouldnât get an iota of satisfaction from saying something after Iâm gone. YMMV>
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Being mean spirited (even a bit) was not my intent; my intent was to show what I (and apparently others as well) saw subjectively as a disconnect between a claim of not being bitter and other posts that (to me) clearly expressed bitterness.
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If your uncle had left none of you cousins any moneyâŠwould you remember the very nice memories of him while he was alive?
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If my experience doesnât help you in this moment, thatâs fine. But donât assume that when a kid that my dad knew for less than a year got nearly an equal share as my siblings and I did (and there was no potential paternity involved), that it didnât hurt and give initial feelings of being very devalued. It did. I merely wanted to share a situation that helped me see my situation in a better way and gave me greater peace, as feeling resentful toward a dead man wasnât doing me any favors. If you donât relate to the story, feel free to ignore it.
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I donât think people who divide their estates unevenly do it to get the âlast wordâ. I think they do it to put a finger on the scale for the child, sibling, nephew or whatever who they think needs the most help. Sometimes the entire family understands the dynamic (a trust set up to support a special needs sibling where clearly, that child needs a lot more financial support into adulthood than the other siblings who can live independently, etc.) And sometimes they do not (mental health issues which may have prevented someone from advancing professionally). I am close to a family where an adult sibling- degree from an elite university and a law degree from a top law school- is working in a clerical type role at a law library. He gets to tell people âI work at X law schoolâ which I guess implies faculty? or runs an academic program which wouldnât shock anyone who knew how gifted he is intellectually. But he suffers from a host of mental health issues- and his parents are grateful that he is stable, gainfully employed with good benefits, etc.
HIs siblings understand his situation- I am pretty sure his cousins do not. And when his grandfather passes, Iâll bet you dinner that this grandchild will be getting a significantly bigger share than the other cousins.
Not because Gramps is mean. But because Gramps wants to help the kid who has managed to make a stable life for himself despite some terrible challenges. And because the other heirs donât need the money, but will get their 1/8 or 1/16 or 1/12 or however the math works out, and hopefully will be happy that Gramps had enough to be financially independent (think of all the elderly folks who move in with their kids when they run out of dough). And I presume that Gramps wants the cousins to be grateful they were remembered- while they wonder why one of the cousins got a mysteriously large share. If they only knewâŠ
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You THINK he knew how to avoid it. Maybe, maybe not. Wills are a strange animal at times.
Itâs a labyrinth of who who dies first blah de blah.
Iâm really sorry youâre in the middle of this and feeling the way you do.
The most important thing is DONâT let this get you on a roller coaster of feelings and send you down a rabbit hole. You didnât need the money. You loved/liked your uncle prior. You have good relationships with siblngs prior this. There is NO reason to tie yourself in knots over this. NONE. I get it. Itâs not fair. Itâs called a âmoral injuryâ. Time will heal it. It hurts but deep breaths and keep moving!
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I generally donât believe in the finger on the scale ( also applies to many other areas in life). I would, however support it if I had a special needs child or one with mental health issues. But I would be certain to tell my other kids up front and try to get their buy in.
That was not the parable presented in the storyline upthread. Naturally, you can make up all types of scenarios.
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I also donât think it is about having the last word or punishing a kid who gets less.
It may be about helping someone who needs it (like @blossom describes) â or maybe the son with drug problems in my example. (An argument could be made that he should get a larger share because his need is greater.) Or it may be a means of compensating the son/grandkids who took you to doctor appointments and kept you company in your last years.
Regardless of the dadâs love, does it always make sense for a kid who has unilaterally cut off all contact with the family by choice to get an equal share? Is it âexpectedâ? No one DESERVES an inheritance, right?
Family relationship alone does not trump all other factors, in my opinion. Without knowing what factors were considered, I donât think you can conclude the deceased was being petty or vindictive or sending a message from beyond the grave.
Nope, I donât think anyone is claiming they can read another personâs mind. I only said that itâs an easy call for me for the reasons, Iâve already stated based on your parable. YMMV.
I think this is the case sometimes. But not always. Sometimes its just a matter of preferring one kid over others. I have seen kids who have the most money in their family getting the preference from parents.
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@AustenNut You are right. I am sorry I was presumptuous. I guess I was thinking at least you had siblings to talk about. I donât have anyone to converse about it, isolated as well as devalued.
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