No amount of money is worth bad feelings imo. I held this uncle in high esteem because he was good at that kind of thing and knew to avoid it. It isn’t that I am holding this against others. The incident made me feel somewhat alienated from the others.
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You know best, but it’s also possible that they feel bad about the unequal inheritance too. It’s an awkward conversation for anyone to bring up. (I don’t remember if you said earlier on if you have all been together discussing this).
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No idea how they feel about it. Not sure if there will ever be a chance to bring it up. We are cousins not siblings. We cousins aren’t that close.
I’ve been helping put together a trust for my Dad recently. I’ve thought long and hard about making sure assets are divided equally. Dad could easily be swayed but it’s my responsibility to ensure that he makes the decisions as much as possible. Not everyone will work hard to get everyone to share equally. BTW, in this scenario I have done all the work for hundreds of hours helping out. But $ is not my mantra and fairness is important. So I will divide things to the penny.
@Iglooo This falls into one of the buckets of you’ll never know. There may be a reason which is valid/invalid to you. There might be someone who said something or swayed him or any number of other factors. The best thing is to consider it as a gift. He could have left you nothing. Instead he left something. Think of the best way to use that gift to make you happy. Don’t look at the other pots of gold, just think of what you have. I know it isn’t pleasant but try very hard to keep the memories of him intact. If they are decent people they also feel the inequity keenly.
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Money! Who’d have it!!
You are right @iglooo ‘if you are working on your estate plans, be careful’.
My parents’ will was to divide it between my brother and I. Nothing wrong with that. My brother has 3 children and I have 1.
Then my brother got himself into debt. My father decided to change the will because he quite rightly stated that my brother is rubbish with money. My father has now divided the estate equally between the four grandchildren.
Nothing wrong with that but I feel cheated. Not for me but for my son. I did not get into debt. I am very careful with money. If I had receive 50% of the estate I would have past on to my son a whack because I am careful, would have invested it and my estate would have been bigger for him to inherit. Or I would have been able to help him before my death as there would have been more money to splash about.
Now he is only going to get 25%. Oh he’ll be happy with that as he does not know he would have got a lot more if I had received 50% but because of my brother that is not going to happen.
Am I bitter? Hell I am! And they are not even dead yet!
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I hear ya. So, rather than be upfront with his son, your dad created a workaround so your brother wouldn’t be hurt. Parents. Sheesh.
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Yes, that’s why I believe in even split and per stirpes. That is widely used norm and no individual judgement is involved. You can’t split hair who is doing better or worse, who loved me more and gets more money, etc.
@Htas No, my opinion of my uncle has permanently changed. He is not who I used to admire, open and not petty. I am not going to gush about him in memorial service, or wreck my brain helping what he would have liked to see his remaining fund go. I am good at that kind of thing. But I am no longer interested in seeing him get what he would have liked. Other whole people can figure it out. Me 1/8 insignificant person has no place there.
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I’m sending you a big hug. I’m sorry that this happened to you. But most of all I’m sorry that your uncle didn’t think enough about his actions. Maybe it would have been better for him to leave everything to charity?
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I’d ask your Dad to split the will by family( 50/50). That’s what I have done. IF your Dad divides his estate it as you say, you would lose despite not having done anything negative and his children would gain at your expense. That’s not fairness, it’s actually rewearding bad behavior. Talk to your Dad. Do you have a lawyer who can explain that this is actually an unfair division? Or write it out.
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I had to talk my dad out of changing his will after my mom got sick. He and my brother were at odds and my dad wanted to set up a complicated trust just for his part of the inheritance so he wouldn’t get the pay out all at once. I told my dad that if he did that, he should do the same for my part. In the end, he kept it as it was and everything was evenly split/distributed.
I’m more concerned about my FIL. He refuses to disclose anything to his children. We have no idea the executor, no idea of his wishes, etc… All we know is where the will is located and the contact info for his attorney. He’s been doing a lot of charitable giving and recently set up a scholarship at his alma mater. He’s been very vocal that his kids don’t need his money, and SIL and her family are even more well off than we are. At one point he told H that he would be leaving us his car (expensive) and we made the comment that if he does that, he should leave something of equal value to his daughter. He seemed totally shocked that he should be thinking about being equitable.
The bigger concern between H and his sister is that their dad is going to leave $ to his second wife’s family, because they “need” it. Meanwhile his current wife is uber wealthy and her estate will go to her children (she’s already bought them houses and subsidizes them even though they are in their 50s). My husband is totally emotional detached from that stuff but his sister will blow a gasket.
H has tried to bring it up a couple of times in terms of wanting to know his wishes but FIL refuses to discuss it. Raises all kinds of red flags.
You are so thoughtful. Wish everyone was so much like you.
??? These two sentences seem contradictory. Unless there is evidence that they were manipulating the uncle with respect to the will, they are innocent parties in the matter, so why hold it against them?
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Well, that made my day. Thank you. 
OP I think you should be grateful for any inheritance at all rather than bitter. It’s a much healthier attitude as it wasn’t your money. It doesn’t matter what others received. It’s a gift. It’s sad that folks fight over and get bitter about inheritances after someone dies, imo.
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Well, it’s difficult to be grateful when imbalance/unfairness e is present. Not that it can’t be done over time, but it’s tough.
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Fairness is in the eye of the beholder.
Assume a father has three sons, all of whom he loves.
One is loving and doting, sees his dad at least weekly, helps him when he needs it. This son earns a decent income and has two kids.
The second is a prodigal son with a history of drug dependence and spotty work history who is off finding himself and sends dad a few texts a year on a phone paid for by dad. He struggles financially and has no kids.
The third son is totally estranged. He felt dad favored the other kids as children and now he has cut him off, didn’t invite dad to his own wedding, and has zero contact. He has three kids his father has never met.
What the dad thinks is fair and what each son thinks is fair might look quite different. How does a careful person divide the estate then?
Does it make a difference if dad articulates his reasons, which at least one son is likely to not like?
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IMO, you don’t take out the affairs of the living after you are dead. IMO, you don’t get to dictate how other people live. And yes, you have the freedom to give wherever you chose.
This case Seems like a pretty easy call to me.I’d give the good one his share, the second one I’d put the money in a trust to be paid for non-drug uses and to the third son I’d give his share to his kids.
IMO, It matters a lot if he is a big enough person to articulate his reasons before he dies rather than perform some action after death. I would love my kids enough to talk to them and explain what I am doing.
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I feel great empathy for you in this situation. It makes a sad situation feel much worse, and I can see how you would feel hurt.
After my father passed away, there were some surprises in the will. One of them was the inclusion of a child of someone who had visited him while he was sick. That child ended up getting almost the same amount as my siblings and I. At first, there was some definite hurt feelings there. But then I thought about a different situation.
When I was working at a school, the principal had put National Boss’s Day on the employee calendar (and put National Principal’s Day on it, too). For whichever holiday came first, some of my coworkers and I got the principal two dozen roses and put it in a crystal vase. We got a pretty pen from a discount store for the assistant principal (maybe about 20% of the value of the principal’s gift) and then some inexpensive flowers in an inexpensive vase for the dean (maybe 15% of the value of the principal’s gift). I later found out that the principal was upset that the other two administrators received a gift, even though hers was by far the most expensive. I remember thinking that she was so petty that she couldn’t appreciate what she had been given when there was no obligation for her to receive anything. (And no, we did not get her any gifts for the subsequent “Day” she put on the employee calendar.)
But the experience of seeing the pettiness and ingratitude of the principal changed my outlook on what happened with my father’s will. It was his money to do with as he pleased, and he chose to leave some with me. That he left money for others who were unrelated to me had nothing to do with me and my relationship with him.
I don’t know if this story will help, but hopefully with time the sting of your uncle’s will shall subside and you will be able to view him in a positive light again.
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It’s interesting that you claim not to be bitter, and yet your bitterness comes through loud and clear in pretty much all your other posts in this thread.
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Wrong thread