It’s that family cottage thing. I agree with what @mathmom is doing.
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My H’s family has a cottage that H & I have been taking care of for years. The decision was made a while back that H would inherit it. His S lives pretty far from it and doesn’t take care of her own house (so can’t be expected to help with the necessary upkeep). H is on the deed now & it’s not part of the will or trust. However, the will does state that the market value of the cottage is an advance on his share of the estate. So he will receive that much less than his S from the proceeds of the estate.
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That makes perfect sense to me.
If you do it that way, look into the ramifications of how best to pass it on. There is no one “best” for every situation, and it would be good to discuss it with the intended recipient … as well as to revisit the decision from time to time to make sure it’s still best.
That can be covered in the language of the will. MIL’s will covers how it will be valued & what happens if he sells within a year of her death. In H’s case, the estate will be large enough to cover the share. If that is a concern, there can be a what-if clause. Attorneys are definitely helpful for this sort of thing.
Exactly. A good estate/trust attorney can handle this easily. (It’s a common issue.)
I am sorry the OP feels as she does, and I am glad she has the ability to come here and share those feelings openly. Anonymous venting is one of the best qualities of these boards.
I am always intrigued by the expectations of, “fairness,” that are expressed on these types of threads (and in discussions of this topic with friends). Beyond what the law may require, there is no requirement of fairness in estates. I’m undoubtedly going to sound harsh, but uncle gets to do what he wants with his estate. He doesn’t have to be fair or equitable or nice or even reasonable as long as he was of sound mind and not being unduly influenced when he executed his will. OP certainly gets to feel whatever she wants relative to what uncle has chosen to do. She gets to feel all the feelings. Sad, hurt, betrayed, angry. And she can also claim that what he did was, “unfair.” I just don’t understand the imposing of some vague standard/notion of fairness. It’s not really relevant.
My college roommate and her husband have no children, and I know they are not divvying things up even Steven with their nieces and nephews. No idea what the expectations of those nieces and nephews are.
I will also add that these types of threads and discussion with friends make me grateful that I was an only and that I have an only. I certainly appreciate that in larger families, these decisions are complex.
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I’ve spent a lot of my life doing things because they were the right thing to do. I’ve thought that if I treated people the way I wanted to be treated, then it would be reciprocated.
I’ve spent the second half of my life figuring out that this doesn’t happen and I’ve been sorely disappointed. And I’ve been blamed for being too sensitive.
I don’t know what the answer is. It’s the single most hurtful thing I’ve encountered. The only thing I can do is rely on those I can trust not to hurt me.
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That is how I see this. I guess we all look at this through the lens of our own perspective & circumstances.
Because of my bananas and broke family, from the age of 17 on (and I am much, much older now) there hasn’t been a blood relative on this planet I could contact in an emergency and ask for $50. Being told of an inheritance of any sum coming to me from a family member, and complaining about it, seems like an episode of the Twilight Zone.
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Dh and I drew up our wills and diverged after the low-hanging fruit was decided. In what the lawyer calls the “Titanic” option, where we and the kids all go down with the ship together, dh wanted our assets split equally between all the nieces and nephews, and I said no way. Some of our nieces and nephews contribute actively to causes that I object to vehemently. I would not want my assets going there so they won’t if I survive him. If I die first, so be it. And then when he dies the nieces and nephews can assume I am nicer than I am.
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@Youdon_tsay , We have 2 children and hadn’t even thought of leaving anything at all to any of the nieces or nephews. Is that common for people with their own children to leave an inheritance to nieces and nephews?
@Iglooo this was a conversation for us as well. My D had grandparents that adored her, to the moon and back, only girl of 5 grandchildren - when they passed the boys each got to split 50% of their estate (a very healthy estate I might add). My D was not named at all. At all. She’s put up a good front “no one should expect anything” “it’s theirs to do what they want” etc., but as her parent I can tell you it did not go over well with me. At all. And I’m pretty sure it stung her heart pretty badly.
Why or why not people do what they do is unknown. I’ll never understand the thought process. So I feel you. And I feel for my D as well.
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Of course its relevant. No doubt anyone can make whatever decision he/she wants with his/her estate (spouses excepted of course at least with respect to the first spouse to die because the law often has a say in those matters). And people are free to react to that as well. All of which you note. But that reaction will largely be based on perceived fairness. Not sure how fairness becomes irrelevant in that analysis.
I don’t see people here saying the uncle shouldn’t have been free to distribute his estate however he saw fit. But the question is how family members react to it.
And that is true with a whole host of decisions that people make every day. Few of the decisions I make are dictated by the law. I can do whatever I want in those situations. I can be fair, reasonable, rational or none of those things. My decisions. Doesn’t mean that others won’t have their own views of those decisions based on whether they view the decisions as fair, reasonable, rational, etc. I can lose friendships, hurt relationships, etc. as a result of those decisions. Doesn’t change the fact that I can decide as I want. Just that I don’t get to avoid the consequences of those decisions. And to me that is the subject being discussed here. Not whether the uncle at issue was free to make whatever decision he wanted with his estate.
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…and once it gets posted here, we can all react to it as well.
Right now in this country, there are people wondering where there next meal will come from. People are having homes foreclosed. People are turning to “Go Fund Me” to beg for life-saving medical procedures…and the OP needed to come to this website to vent because they didn’t get as much free, unearned money as someone else in their family.
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I agree that no one should ever expect to get an inheritance and what they do get should be considered a gift. What bothers me about this whole thread is everyone’s stories where people feel they have been slighted. I know there are reasons why some people disinherit family, but if people truly get along why would they write a will that will cause hurt once they are gone? Unless they leave a letter detailing why they are dividing their estate a certain way I just think it is cruel.
As I stated above my parents wanted to leave me (not my 2 brothers) their highly appreciated Southern California home. When they were drawing up their wills and asked me to be executor I told them this was not a good idea and that I wanted the house split between the 3 of us. I have a good relationship with both of my brothers. I did not want something like this to come between us when my parents are gone. I know that my parents have given both of my brothers more money than me over the years, but I didn’t want them to try and make it “fair” by giving me the house. My H and I have not needed the financial help my brothers have which is a blessing for us.
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No idea. We have spent almost every Christmas with dh’s brother’s family, and we have three nieces and nephews from him, plus two with dh’s sister and two with my sister. Nieces and nephews seemed like the next logical step, certainly to dh. My bff has never married and is leaving her estate to her sister first and then her niece and nephew. They are very close. So, while I don’t think it’s automatic, I do think for some people it’s the next logical step. For me, I’m leaving any money split between four charities.
@JustaMom , before dh’s dad died he gave each of the grandsons money for college. Nothing for the granddaughters. I know his EXACT thinking 
, but that didn’t make it any easier/more palatable.
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That does seem very strange and hurtful for your daughter. Were any of the 4 boys that inherited your children? Do you have any idea at all what the thinking could have been with leaving her out?
Way to miss the point. The OP’s hurt feelings don’t have anything to do with anyone else’s hardships; they have to do with human relationships and feeling unvalued after many years of believing there was a close relationship with the uncle in question.
I can’t believe this is such a difficult concept for so many people.
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Yes, my sister never married and her money will go to me if I outlive her and my sons, who she adores. Plus charities. I just was surprised to hear about leaving an inheritance to nieces or nephews, I don’t plan to do that, because I have my own kids , hopefully grandchildren, etc. But, clearly people do it and it is very generous to your family.
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I don’t think we are disagreeing. I meant fairness is irrelevant to what someone is obligated to do. People can be morally outraged and/or indignant on behalf of OP (or their own familial situations), but none of that forces someone to be fair.
And, in this type of scenario, uncle obviously faces no consequences for his choice/decision. I do understand the fallout is between the cousins. OP has to decide if she wants to make an issue of that with them or not. Deciding to make an issue of it is likely also going to spark consequences.
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