Yeah, that’s not OK. I get why the mom in law agreed to avoid conflict, but it’s quite rude to make demands on someone offering to throw you a party. If she had said no thanks, I’m very busy I would get that. This, I don’t get. Not sure why the husband (boy twin) isn’t putting foot down.
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Probably because facts are missing.
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I guess the difference is you plan your own wedding and nowadays you pay for it. If some can’t make the date you choose, you don’t get offended either.
A shower is thrown by someone else on your behalf - you kind of have to take their wishes, convenience, pocketbook etc into consideration- what if they couldn’t afford to throw two separate events in one weekend? And she’s already getting a shower from her family so it’s not like she’s not getting her day.
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Imagine - no one is able to show up at the “convenient” party because they all are… well… at prior comments. More cake for the party girl? 
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Since I think showers are primarily for the honoree and her friends, I think they should not be shared. It may not matter to the honoree if the relatives attend. The twins mom doesnt have any obligation to host her daughter in laws shower-she can offer to share the one she is already hosting, but if that isnt ok, then that is all she need do.
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That brings up an interesting point I didn’t think of, sure, there will be family members attending the shower that are there for both women, but I’m sure girl twin will have friends there who are there for girl twin only. Do they bring gifts for both? I happen to have b/g twins, they either had separate parties, or if I combined, I sent out separate invitations so no one felt obligated to buy 2 gifts.
I don’t know that it is necessary to ascribe motive to attending or not attending, having one shower or two. If boy twin’s wife wants to not start sharing everything, good place to start. If she just doesn’t want the crowd, good on her. If she only has three weekends free, how is that selfish? It’s a baby shower, not the be-all and end-all.
They asked, she said what she wants, and has been clear. Seems like the drama is piling up courtesy of people who want what they want, and part of that is deciding what she should want too.
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This will be my last comment on the thread as I don’t know these people and we all have to rely on the info presented by the OP, who is close friends with the mom so is hearing it all through this filter.
I have a BIL and SIL who also have a really close family. Everyone looking in would agree. The kids attended the in-town college the parents did (they wouldn’t pay for anywhere else) and are in the family business. Most of the time, this is great. But as an “outsider” who married into the family norms I also could see the pettiness and manipulation that went on. They didn’t like ANY of the kids’ significant others, in one case going so far as to say that they’d only pay for the wedding if that couple got intensive marriage counseling, thinking the dd would see the light in counseling and call the whole thing off (yet, here they are 15 years and two kids later). Once married, they were obviously disapproving of son-in-law’s career (teacher and HS football coach) and let it be known that that wasn’t good enough for their dd. There was a huge “scandal” when their only ds married a woman who had been their older dd’s bff for years, a really close almost family member already, but then they found out that she wasn’t sure she wanted kids and it was a MAJOR deal. I earned no brownie points when I said that their ds was a big boy and knew what he was getting into. They now have four kids. 
The third child married a guy I loved, but they didn’t like him for reasons I won’t go into because it’s borderline racist.
Anyway, all I’m trying to say is that families have their own norms and customs in how they behave, and anytime someone new enters the picture it can cause issues if they do it differently. Like I said above, this is not the hill to die on, IMO, for either party. Could the wife be more flexible? Yes. Could the MIL and that family be more flexible? Also yes. I know what it’s like marrying into a “close” family when that closeness really is codependency. Again I have no idea whether that’s the case here, but I’m not going to be too quick to jump on the woman who married into this family and is having her first baby and trying to figure it all out herself.
I am curious what age the twins are. Are we talking 25yos or 35yos?
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Just wondering. Are men invited? I haven’t been to one where men are invited. Husbands were relegated to come do the heavy lifting, set up and put gifts in the trunk at the end.
I’m still confused. See if I got this straight.
If I read right both mothers/friends of the girls want to give their daughter a shower.
Fair enough.
Girl twin mom wants to include both in her home territory (nice and expected since it’s her D and DIL both) which is 90 min away. And all HER family will be there but wife’s family will be obligated to drive.
So what we don’t know is if the weekends with no availability are an excuse (or not)?
We don’t know how pushy wife’s MIL (girl twin mom) really is in insisting on giving DIL a shower. Not even OP (sorry OP).
I’m bowing out. I think it is an interesting scenario but only in that I don’t think I can judge either side. I’ve known entitled wives (my son begged a friend not to get married but finally gave up) and pushy parents (including friends of mine). And honestly both sides always sound like they are in the “right”. It’s really not worth the mental anxiety.
Thanks all for all the comments. There definitely are two camps and I enjoy hearing both sides.
There really is no drama here. I’m the one who posed the question and scenario here. Twins mom shared situation and agreed to all requests. She did not say anything to her son and his wife, she just shared that people may have to make a decision on only attending one shower and that’s all there is to it. She wasn’t complaining as much as sharing what’s going on.
Girl twin shared with me that she loves her sister in law. She is just very hurt. I think she would be ok with it if sister in law would attend her shower, but she won’t. Girl twin will be at sister in laws shower. To me that’s where the selfish comes in. But again that’s just me sharing on an anonymous board.
After reading all the comments and thinking about it, I think I’ve determined that boy twins wife is just upset that they are pregnant at the same time. But that’s just life and something you can’t control. I’m sure these two babies will grow up to be close cousins.
They are in their early 30’s and they will be women only showers. Primarily family of twins with one or two close friends (me). No friends of either expectant mother to my knowledge.
Thanks for not taking offense at my differing opinion. 
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Can she? Does she have obligations like work that she can’t change? Just wondering if it’s WON’T or CAN’T. And " can’t" could be health also.
Well, there’s always someone who is going to be negative. Wouldn’t be me, would it be you? Perhaps?
I think celebrations are about the love. But there’s always negative person or two who needs to comment on everything or negatively impact. Think that might be the situation here.
Won’t or can’t is unknown. Point, for me is, she knows she won’t be there. That’s where, if it were me, I would then agree to the dual shower on the date that is known that both are available so I could be there for her. Again, she is having another shower in her hometown where the day will only be about her. That means she is making a conscious decision to choose a single shower for herself with no regards to the same family that is hosting, that will travel twice or have to make a choice, and she is making a conscious choice to only celebrate herself and not celebrate her sister in law and future niece or nephew.
That keeps it in the selfish camp for me but I do understand some of the arguments for the other side.
Again, I just posted it as an interesting scenario and love the discussion.
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You know I honestly would love to read this thread if it were two male twins and the situation was the same but it was a stag party. Would the guys figure it out? Call each other selfish? Just suck it up and go? One of our family twin sets is male. They seem to figure out what works for them. Usually things are done together but not always.
I was just reading this and thinking of how women are expected to go along/be flexible/give in/etc. Just a thought as a lot of the things mentioned (like others planning and helping out and being gracious by hosting) seemed to factor into some of the opinions regarding how the girl should behave. Just a thought.
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One never knows about another family’s dynamic. You can see the parents taking the adult kids and grandchildren on a Disney Cruise and think “Wow that is so generous, they are such a close family” without ever wondering, “hey, the daughter-in-law gets two weeks vacation, works her tail off, maybe she’d rather go with her husband and kids to a cabin for a week, see her elderly grandparents for the other week”. Is the trip to Disney a command performance? Did the DIL get asked? Or when she balked (respectfully) was told “We’ve put down a gazzilion dollars for the deluxe package, we’re not losing our deposit because you want to hang out at a cruddy cabin for a week”.
One never knows. Maybe the mom-to-be is selfish. Maybe she’s tired from being pregnant and having to “go along to get along” with her husband’s family. Maybe she’s tired of being joined at the hip to her husband’s family on every occasion without her preferences being taken into account. Maybe she’s trying to create a boundary- before the baby is born- to make it easier to say No when the wacky requests start. “What do you mean you aren’t bringing the baby for Thanksgiving- your doctor is nuts to tell you that Whooping Cough is risky for a newborn. In my day, we took infants everywhere and we all turned out fine”.
I send a gift and stay home from baby showers these days. Covid made that possible, so thank you Covid. Couldn’t imagine wanting to attend a shower- let alone two showers- when Buy Buy Baby makes it so easy to beg off!!!
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Yes! Also interesting that the judgments are wrt the expectant mother but not her husband who really has the obligation to deal with his own family and should speak up to his wife if she’s in the wrong.
I also agree that we are really only getting one filtered view here (no offense to OP) but OP (fairly) has an allegiance to her friend and may not know details of why she is not going to SIL’s shower (maybe she has work obligations or just doesn’t want to for whatever reason is justified to her - she doesn’t really even have to like her, does she?). I guess where I would draw the line is “expecting” the MIL to throw her a shower but again do we have both sides or just one version of this expectation.
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I will just take what OP posted at its face value without second guessing other possible reasons.
What is selfish to me is the fact DIL expects her MIl to host a shower for her and is so self absorbed that she expects their relatives to travel twice just so she wouldn’t have to share the limelight. This is in light of the fact that her side of family is also throwing a shower just for her. I think it is very gracious and generous for the twin daughter to have a combined shower with her SIL.
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Update:
Invitations are out. Girl twin is hosting and throwing the shower for her sister in law. It is primarily the twins extended family and 1 or two close friends of the grandparents. (Me). Her family invited but most not coming as expected.
Girl twins shower is a week later. Same guest list with the exception of including her husband mother and her husbands sister. Boy twins wife not coming because there is a football game she would rather go to.
So wait. The girl twin is hosting a baby shower for her SIL (her twin brother’s wife). The following week is her own baby shower and the SIL can’t even be bothered to attend?