Is it bad to ask my wealthy 90 yr old grandpa to help me pay for college?

@CaliCash, say you were to ask your grandfather, “Could you give me a million dollars?” Your chances would be a lot less than 50/50! Just because “yes” and “no” are the only possibilities doesn’t mean you have a 50/50 shot.

Sometimes American attitudes toward education are so foreign to me. I am a second generation immigrant (born in US), and I don’t think this issue would ever arise in my family. First off, immigrant grandparents, whether wealthy or not, view college as a collective family obligation. They would typically fight over who pays more for their grandchildren’s education, especially if their grandchildren were doing them proud by going to a good school. You never would have to ask. Second, the parent would and should take it on as his or her primary burden. I view it as my responsibility, to the extent my wife and I are able, to pay for our D’s education. To the extent that I can’t, I should be the one to have to go to my father (the grandfather) to ask to borrow money for the grandchild’s education. Why put a young person into that awkward situation. I know, I know, this so not the American way–where we maximize financial aid, like it’s some government entitlement, and expect children to pay their own way after 18. That being said, if that’s not the way your family works, I would just go to your grandfather and ask. It’s not “unethical” at all. Just tell him that really want to go this school for reasons A,B,C and you’ve figured out with your parents that that is not possible given their financial means and ask whether you and your grandfather can work on some arrangement to make it possible for you to attend college. He may take that as an invitation to gift you the money or make some sort of loan. I would also make it clear how much you are thinking of; often 90 year olds aren’t so fast on the uptake anymore and they may just slip you $100, not understanding the kind of bucks college tuition is today. The nice thing about a gift is that is totally tax free, and if your grandfather wants to got through the trouble of setting up a 529 account, it is further shields his wealth from taxes and may even entitle him to a state tax deduction (check your state law on this).

The thing that bothers me…this poster already knows she is going to receive money from the grandfather in 2017. In my opinion, it is greedy to ask for more.

@thumper1 No I am not. I would be asking for money for 2017-2019. I think I said that like 3 times now.

Yes…and didn’t you say above that your grandpa was already giving you money in two years…in 2017?

So why would you ask for more?

@thumper1 No. I. Did. Not. I am not getting any money from him as of right now. I did not ask and he hasn’t offered. As of right now, I’m not getting anything from him going towards any year of my collegiate education.

Please clarify…in other threads you have stated you would be receiving money from an elder in 2017. Is this elder your grandfather? Not that it matters…use THAT money to pay for college.

Rhandco asked about a previous post where you said you would be receiving money from an elder in 2017. You responded saying this was your grandfather.

Now you started a thread asking if it would be OK to ask this same grandfather for college money.

But you will already be receiving money from him in 2017. Use THAT to pay for the colleges you really can’t afford to attend for all four years. Maybe that is what grandpa is expecting you to do.

Your parents are able to pay for your college costs for the first two years at these more expensive colleges. But the last two years, they won’t?

I’m not sure I understand why? Your sister will be out of college and any money they are paying for her will be able to fund your costs. Or is your sister going someplace affordable? Smart girl if she is!

“I mean, bottom line, would it be wrong to ask and if it weren’t wrong how would I (or my parents) even have that conversation?”

IMHO, Miss Manners, and all.

It is wrong to ask ANYONE other than your parents or a VERY VERY close relative (godparent or sponsor) for money flat out. Especially anything over 20 bucks, and especially for multiple years.

BUT:
YOU should consider speaking with your grandfather about your future plans. It is MUCH more likely for someone to say “no” or “not right now” if you give them a hard sell “grandpa, my parents can’t afford to send me where I want to go to college, can you give me 10K per year?”.

But if you spend a lunch or afternoon with grandpa, go visit him in person (horrors, he’s on the other side of the country, what will you do? For the possibility of 40K, would you take a plane ride?), and talk about you, talk about him, talk about your options, you will find out VERY quickly whether he might give you some money or he would much rather you “learn responsibility” and make do on your own.

It is far different to say “please give me money so I don’t have to take out loans” versus “please give me money, I messed up and took out too many loans and can’t pay them back”.

You just don’t ask someone you aren’t really close to for money. Remember you are asking your parents for 140K already.

And that’s another point, telling them to ask is even MORE gauche because they told you they would already contribute.

If you want to ruin your relationship with your grandfather, ask and deal with the consequences.

Of course, helicopter parents will have a graduation party and send fancy invitations with “cash gifts appreciated!” in script on them, and RSVP notes. To encourage cash gifts and make people feel bad if they don’t give a cash gift.

(and realize, if your grandfather does not know how or care to know how to pay your tuition directly, anything he gives you is a gift and would end up being taxed if he gives you more than $14,000 per year, like giving you 40K at once will be subject to tax, but depending on him to give you 10K per year is risky with a spouse around.)

@thumper1 I don’t know how many times I need to say it. The elder I was referring to would HOPEFULLY be my grandfather. Currently, the only people paying for my education would be my mom and my dad. My parents would be able to pay the first two years because my EFC would be 35,000. After that, it would double, which is why I have to plan ahead. My sibling is going to an in state local school. Not because of affordability, but because of poor academics and didn’t get in anywhere when applying straight from high school. She did CC, and transferred into a local 4 year.

@rhandco The thing is, my grandpa and I are close. We spend every summer together and talk to each other every week. He isn’t just some guy who I don’t speak to. We are very close. Also, I have school. So flying out is not entirely feasible.

Here we go. Calicash says “I’m going to get some money from an elder in 2017”.

So Cali…use THAT money to pay for college. And if it is coming from grandpa, be grateful for that money and use it to pay for college when it comes.

Your parents have given you a budget. You have options within that budget. You need to work within that budget.

@thumper1 I’m not sure why are you are not understanding. That money I referred to is the money I will HOPEFULLY get from my Grandfather. Hopefully as in, I don’t have it right now. THAT money from and elder is the money that I’m trying to figure out how to ask for!

On the other thread, I spoke as if that money was concrete and I shouldn’t have. This thread is how to get that money.

Also, I don’t have a budget. My parents won’t give me one. My parents are pretty delusional and keep saying I will get full scholarships so I don’t need to worry about budgets now.

Then talk to him on the phone, and tell him you are worried about finances. Later, when you know what you are up against in terms of cost of attending minus merit and grant aid. I gave the Northeastern numbers so you know that few schools are 70K per year, so don’t use that EFC number as reality.

BUT: please don’t flat out ask him for money. I am very sure, that if your parents send out a graduation announcement, he will send something for you.

Does he not know you are going to school? Does he not know that your family is taking care of an elderly relative? Does he give money on your birthday? Do you have a car that your parents bought or he bought?

My parents are more financially stable than my in-laws, so I have told my parents that I have had to financially support my in-laws. Period. My parents have chose to help me out when I need it because of it. They do not think that their money is going directly to my in-laws. They know that helping people is something we choose to do and they choose to help us. We do not want it to happen one day that my in-laws let my parents know how generous we are with them, as a surprise to my parents. All is above board.

With acceptance and FA (merit or grant aid) package in hand, in April, for your top choice of your acceptances, you can call grandpa and tell him the good news. And, if he is rich, he will have an opinion on your FA package and insight into how you can make it work or if you shouldn’t.

I’m sensing that you communicate better with your grandfather than your parents, and maybe he can make you feel better about your family’s finances than you do now.

I know it is difficult to wait, but quite possibly if you ask for money now, you could be souring your relationship with your grandfather for no reason at all, if you get better aid than expected or pick a less expensive school.

But in your other threads, you mention that your parents can pay $30,000 for the first two years. Or is that wishful thinking?

A number of folks mentioned SUNY schools (you are NY residents now,market you?), which are within your budget.

Your sister is commuting. Could you do that for a couple of years to save money? Sure you could.

There is an anticipation that your grandfather will give your family some money in 2017. If he hasn’t made that a firmer offer, maybe there is a reason.

I’m sorry. My opinion stands. I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask for this amount of money…and I don’t care how wealthy the person is.

This is a very interesting thread. @thumper1, evidently, CaliCash was betting on the come with that posting you are quoting. This thread is to get the temperature from the CC community on whether or not she should bet on that money that she claimed she was betting on in the previous thread.

There is a bigger question here. Her sister is presumably living at home right now. In the fall, she will be attending a 4 year school, and continuing to commute. CaliCash is planning to head off to a dorm at the same time, so this whole EFC is all theoretical at this point. So far it has been CC tuition plus room and board at home.

I think the parents will find that when both girls are out of the house, their local cost of living will be reduced. CaliCash may find that she can raise $4-5k during the summer and during the school term by working, and the parents likely will stretch a bit (maybe loan her the extra cash from their own pockets or a HELOC).

The point is, this is first-time fear-based conjecture, and once the reality hits, it may be much less bad than they assumed it might. Having grandpa as a secure source of a potential loan may be nice, or maybe CaliCash’s dad could even do a HELOC against his dad’s house. It will all work out. I think this is conjecture panic planning at this point without accounting for reduced costs with the girls out of the house and 4 years of potential CaliCash earnings; plus a little bit a month more from cash flow.

Calicash’s dad can’t do a HELOC on grandpa’s house unless grandpa turns ownership over to the dad.

Cali’s parents are not counting their chickens before they hatch. They are being very carefull with their expenditures for college costs. If grandpa gives them money, it will be a bonus.

Cali, OTOH, is assuming that this financial windfall from grandpa is hers under all circumstances. In my opinion, she needs to let that go. It is grandpa’s money until HE decides to disburse it.

Cali…are your parents going to make you pay back all of the costs of attending a $50,000 a year college? It sounds like they are expecting full repayment of $7000 a year from your sister.

There is an old saying “don’t count other people’s money”. Cali, you are counting grandpa’s money. And really OT is not yours to count.

I believe in being direct. If you have a good relationship with your grandfather as it sounds like you do, then tell him that you have this financial need to go to college. You can say that plainly without making it sound like you are entitled to it or counting your chickens before they hatched. A similar situation has arisen in my family, I have a single elderly aunt who has quite a bit of money that she has always doted on her nephews (all of us adults). One of my cousins has a middle class income and has college age children. He suddenly has increased his visits to my elderly aunt, sends her cards and emails, and has his children do the same, to the point of annoyance. All the while, he hasn’t asked our aunt for money but has generally dropped hints that college tuition is so expensive etc… Finally, my aunt showed me all the correspondence (because I am her executor) and asked ME whether my cousin was able to pay for his chidrens’ college. And I explained to her about financial aid and the incredible rise in tuition cost and how my cousin’s children were taking out loans to pay for school. Within the year, my aunt sent out generous checks to each of her nephews and basically said that this was an advance on the money she intended to leave in her will, and that she hoped that it go toward her grandnephews and grandneices’ colleges. It made my cousin’s subterfuge look silly and manipulative. When you are direct, the people who love you will see your request for what it is, a way for them to help support you in pursuing your dreams.

And if he does decide to give you money watch the per year gift tax!

There is no such thing as ‘per year gift tax’. There is an annual gift exclusion amount.

“On the other thread, I spoke as if that money was concrete and I shouldn’t have. This thread is how to get that money.”

I get that I am picking out just a piece of the OP’s thread, but honestly this is why I feel like the entire “ask” is inappropriate. “How can I get my hands on that old man’s money?”