<p>This is a possible intro for a college essay. Not sure if I'm going to use it or not. I'm not writing this in response to a specific prompt, it's just something that hit my mind. I'm thinking it will turn into a "I've-stayed-true-to-my-fun-loving-strange-geeky-self-and-I-can-bring-this-to-your-university" type thing.: </p>
<p>"The other day I was babysitting for two 10-year-old boys down the street. The stereo on full blast, we were engaging in a particularly rousing rendition of The Macarena Dance when suddenly I saw it. Taped on the wall, was a large white poster with a multitude of colorful creatures lined up in neat rows, from bottom to top. I recognized it instantly, a remnant of my past </p>
<p>"CHRISTINE!!! DO YOU LIKE POKEMON??" Michael shouted; mid air-guitar</p>
<p>"YEAH I SURE DO!!" I yelled back, trying to be heard over the music, keep my awkward hip-jiggling and arm-waving in sync with the beat, and avoid collision with the half-constructed LEGO castle on the ground, all at the same time. </p>
<p>PROVE IT THEN!!</p>
<p>....</p>
<p>While your average self-respecting teenager probably would break down in tears at the realization that she could still name all 150 Pokemon at age 16 ... "</p>
<p>I think its good. My counselor always tells me to write about what the college CAN'T see about you from your app. I think this shows colleges that you're self confident and you don't try to be someone you're not.
Good luck</p>
<p>Disagree. I think colleges would wonder why her brain isn't more filled with intellectual matter and if her vocab is lacking! Maybe if it was about how she expanded her little charge's horizons.......</p>
<p>i think it's a good intro, but from the intro you sound interesting anf fun, and the story itself shows your creative and have some writing skills. If you want the colleges to learn more than that then you must get it across in the rest of your essay. i think it's a good intro though.</p>
<p>I like it! DON'T use a thesaurus...blech...it's bound to get nasty. Now, I don't know where you're going with this, but as an opening it's definitely creative, and shows you're energetic, confident, and get along well with kids. I also think it's written in a fun and engaging tone, which says something about your character as well. </p>
<p>Anyway, the only problem with it is the all caps and multiple exclamation points with the dialogue burns my eyes. You should definitely get rid of that. Even though essays should be written in an informal tone, they should always be grammatically correct unless you've got some hidden point, haha.</p>
<p>Of course the essay could easily wander off into useless drivel, and you don't want it to sound like you're a nerd still obsessed with Pokemon who can only get along with 10 yr olds...but as an opening, it's good. I'm willing to bet colleges don't want nerds, especially Harvard, Yale, etc...damn, they've got enough of them! But fun-loving and slightly geeky can be endearing...as long as it's geeky in a cool way ;). </p>
<p>P.S. Not sure if I like the first line, though. It's more boring than the second one and the rest of the piece. Also, the other day? So you're 16 and applying to colleges? Interesting.</p>
<p>I agree with RWT and others...you have a fun and interesting opening, but you need to direct the essay somewhere, and show something about yourself (don't tell!). As for a thesaurus, I would defintiely stay away. Make sure that the essay eventually shows that you are intellectual in some way, but don't try to accomplish that by throwing around big words. Good luck!</p>