Is this a good SAP letter? If not, what should I change?

Dear Financial Aid Appeals,
I am writing to you to appeal your decision on not giving me Financial Aid for the 2017-2018 school year. I understand this decision, as I did not meet Satisfactory Academic Progress (SAP) at my old college. There are some motives as to why I didn’t meet the standards set, but also just pure fault on my end as I didn’t take this as seriously as I should have and just plain out underestimated higher education. I decided that I could be a commuter to my old college ([a] Community College) and it did not work out for me. Being off-campus the majority of the time made me lose focus and not prioritize correctly, and it also made it hard for me to get to class due to me taking public transit and not being able to drive. I plan on changing that with this transfer by moving onto campus. I also decided that I could handle online classes, which I found out the hard way that I cannot. I had a hard time comprehending in an at-home environment and prioritizing with all the distractions that came with not being in a proper classroom. It was a decision that I now regret and should have thought over better.
Along with my own discrepancies on not being able to prioritize and taking the wrong classes in the wrong places, I also switched majors in the middle of fall semester. I understand that is not an excuse, but I do believe that you need to be made aware. Also, towards the middle of the fall semester or 2017, my aunt (who is my main supporter as of right now) had found out she had a severely infected knee from a replacement gone wrong about four years ago. With this infection, she was forced to take a long leave of absence from her job, which led to her just quitting and applying for disability, which we had to appeal several times, and it forced me to have to work two main jobs and a third part-time job on the side to maintain bills. We also had to shut off our internet connection, which made it hard for online classes. It made it hard for me to study and get to class, because one of my jobs was a morning shift and I went to the other one immediately after getting off and worked all night. Neither of these jobs offered much flexibility with my class schedule, so I had to take it in stride and only go when I could. Since then, I have now found a job that will work with me. On top of this, this infection rendered my aunt basically bed-ridden and I therefore became her primary caretaker, a role of which I play up until this point.
I also back then struggled with depression and anxiety, and it went untreated for a long time. I was unmedicated and struggled with thoughts of suicide and could barely get out of bed unless it was for work. Since then though, I have begun therapy and have been diagnosed with chronic social anxiety and depression by [a doctor] and have started proper medication.
I take full responsibility for my failures and discrepancies but I am working to change that by transferring schools to somewhere I feel like I can succeed and will give me what I need to do so. I will only take physical in-person classes from now on, and I plan on meeting with a tutor once to twice a week in my trouble subjects. I will also be seeing my academic advisors on the constant to be sure I am on track, as seeing them was not required at my old college and therefore I did not see them. I regret that decision on my part. To avoid my transportation problems, I plan on transferring to UC Blue Ash from Cincinnati State and will be moving onto Uptown Campus and quitting all of my jobs. Living on campus in an academic environment without the looming of bills and work will keep me driven and school will always be at the forefront of my mind because I will be around people who are also prioritizing their futures. I will maintain a 2.0 GPA or higher and will drop no more classes. My aunt is now in the process of hiring an at-home nurse, as she is now drawing disability, so I am able to move out and focus on my studies. I plan on taking more credit hours my next semester to fix my completion rate, and immediately getting tutoring if I have any confusion whatsoever in any of those subjects. I am in a financial situation where it would be next to impossible for me to draw private loans, so I do hope you will consider my plea, as I want nothing more than to finish my degree and be successful in life and transferring here is my chance to do so correctly. I really enjoy learning and I have learned the hard way that I really need to apply myself and learn balance to get anywhere in higher education, so I hope that your administration will give me the second chance and clean slate I need.

Sincerely Yours,
[…]

Could,you please post this with space lines between the paragraphs?

To be honest…it looks way to lengthy. .but it’s hard to,read as posted.

It needs to be much shorter. Many of the details could be omitted, such as the infected knee, the thoughts of suicide, and even the part about you wanting them to be aware that you changed your major and took “the wrong courses in the wrong places.” In offering so many details, some of the stories conflict with each other - for example at one point you say you couldn’t get to class on mass transit but then later you say you were actually working multiple jobs at the same time your classes were being held.
Good luck! You may have to take a few classes at a CC and get your grades up to the level where you could be eligible for aid again before enrolling in a four year college.

So if I were to narrow this down to one thing, what should I focus on? So many things happened at one time that I can’t possibly explain it all.

You need three components…states succinctly.

  1. Briefly....what went wrong.
  2. Why you have already done to correct the issues.
  3. What you will continue to do if you are allowed to return to school.

No,excuses, no extra words. Less is more. Say what younjeed to say in succinctly. Don’t ramble on and on and on.

Remember, yours won’t be the on,y letter the committee is reading.

My problem is that so much went wrong. Should I just keep it brief and just say I had family obligations that needed to be attended to?

1- Your letter has many grammatical errors and awkwardly phrased constructs. Get a friend, your aunt, your HS English teacher to help you edit. Your letter does not sound like it was written by someone ready for college level work.

2- Edit per the above. You faced a family illness and became a caretaker which shifted your focus from schoolwork to family. The situation at home has been solved and you will be a fulltime student next semester.

3- You realize that there are many supports in place for struggling students but you did not take advantage of them. You plan to attend tutoring sessions, meet with your advisors, complete all assignments on time, and focus 100% on passing all of your courses by doing everything that is expected of you academically.

4- do NOT promise to take more classes in order to “catch up”. You haven’t proven that you can handle a normal load- what makes you think you can handle a super-duper extra courses load? This is magical thinking.

Good luck to you. Find someone who writes well to help you pare down your letter and make it grammatically correct.

And use paragraphs. One long paragraphs just is hard to read.