Other posters provided suggestions but I have a more fundamental issue with your letter. By posting your letter on this site you convey a willingness to put time and energy into the letter (and presumably into your academics), yet your letter does not make clear what it is that you are requesting. Even if your letter is being submitted with a form that makes the purpose clear, and even if you think it is obvious, you should delineate the purpose of the letter in the letter itself. I will provide some more specific recommendations. Use this as a guide rather than using the text itself.
Begin the letter with a discussion of what you intend to accomplish by sending the letter. Those reading the letter want to know immediately why they should even spent a second reading your letter. You want the start to be a “heads up” to those reading the letter.
Begin with a compelling statement of purpose rather than your name. There are many effective ways to begin the letter but starting with your name isn’t one of them. They’ ll get your name at the bottom of the letter. So make your first sentence impactful. There are many ways to start. I’d choose something like:
“Dear Financial Aid Committee, I am writing to request that the Financial Aid Committee reconsider the decision to (whatever it is). I am currently a Junior at x school who was recently (date) denied ….(briefly explain what happened that you are grieving). I am writing to inform the committee why I believe I can successfully complete my college degree and why granting financial aid to me would be a worthwhile use of financial aid. I would greatly appreciate it if you would reconsider the decision made on (date). "
Next explain how you ended up where you are now. They don’t need all the details you provided. On the other hand, you need to write clearly and fully about what you want to communicate instead of using slang. If it were me (and it isn’t so don’t simply copy this-instead use this as a guide for how you need to change your writing style), I’d write something like:
“Last semester I did a poor job balancing my academic work with my economic challenges. I was working full time while trying to complete my classes. I became overwhelmed with the pressures. Instead of realizing I needed to make changes in how I was prioritizing my responsibilities, I began to avoid them. Eventually I stopped attending class. “
Next explain the concrete measures you have taken to become more successful. Also discuss any initial signs of success. If it were me, I’d say something like,
“I’ve already taken a number of steps to ensure that I will be more successful from this semester onward and that I will complete my undergraduate degree by x(date). My plan includes the following x steps:
- The first thing I did was bolster available support by joining a support group. I anticipate the support group will help me…(explain how). I’ve been a member of the support group since May and already see…
- I’ve provided my family with more information about my goals as they pertain to college and my career. Because I am a first generation college student, my family lacked understanding of the demands associated with college. After much discussion, they now understand and fully support my efforts.
- …”.
Then close with impact. Tell them how motivated you are and how granting you financial aid will make a genuine difference in your success. You may also state that you intend to complete your degree regardless of whether or not they grant your request but that financial aid would help immensely (by making it possible to…).
And now for the most painful part of all, re-read your letter. Read it aloud. Yes, aloud. Listen to the words as they come out of your mouth. Do they sound correct. Would you be impressed by the letter. Are all your sentences full and clear? Did you leave out words or repeat yourself? Correct any problems you detect. Don’t rely on computer generated grammar checks. Now read it (what is the “it” here? “It” is a substitute for the words “the letter”-don’t rely on “it” or “that”) again. Is the letter perfect? No? Make changes and read the letter again. This part is the part that is often skipped. Don’t skip editing. Even on this informal forum, I will read what I wrote at least 3 times to ensure that I correct typos. Even then, this post will contain typos. But there will be fewer of them than there would have been if I had not re-read the letter multiple times. And, anyway, I’m not asking anyone for money. You are.