<p>i still need to edit more, but im applied to barrett with a 4.2 and a 1950 sat and i just need to know if the essay i have written correlates with my grades and test scores. the prompt was on a decision i had to make that changed my life.</p>
<p>Prompt #2
I am not like the places or people I grew up with. The constant torment for my father to be proud of who I am tore at every nerve ending. The lacerations from this constant struggle of worth created a whirlwind of emotions throughout my childhood. It took me 13 years to learn that there is always a spotlight in the shadows. It was then that I made the choice that would evermore alter my life.
Standing alone in the room, gasping for breath, I heard that long awaited phone call. My thunderous steps jousted with the complete silence of the white walled room. The loving voice at the other end that I always separated myself from welcomed me with a, “Hey buddy.” The pleasurable welcoming ran warmth like that of coffee coursing through my body. Fogginess erupted as I lost vision of my original aspiration. The wound that I had experienced for a role in my father’s life, all seemed to go away with the maudlin language. As the cloud emptied, I whispered to what almost seemed to myself, “Home is not at your house.” I had finally made the decision to move from my dad’s house to my mother’s house permanently. My heart plunged as I listened to my dad weep for the first time. The winding road I had hiked with my father for a plethora of years had cleft and I chose the side less traveled; hoping the hurt would be left on the path and be forgotten. My father always compared me to my uncles that went to the ivy leagues, or made millions being doctors. In his eyes, hoping this would encourage me to try harder in school. Money is like water in my family; it veiled the corruption of relationships. For years, I struggled with the constant comparison of myself to my educated family members, feeling the inevitability that I would always be insignificant.
The naivety of a thirteen year old bunged the notion of consequences. The strain of maintaining an image has been released but a new pressure has noosed itself as I seek for a fresh bond with my father. The family members whom I used to abhor, have now become the motivations of my goal-oriented life. I can only imagine myself now becoming what they are: doctors. This fortitude will facilitate me to work diligently at my studies and provide others with a immense work ethic atmosphere. My father’s aspiration for me has been attained; in the future, as I examine a patient, I will be patching up the lacerations that previously led me to the what I thought was the inevitable.</p>
<p>I like the way it begins. I unfortunately didn’t finish reading it (low attention span nowadays) but I think that a few line breaks would have done you some good. Still, it’s good. Your writing style is nice and the vocabulary is complex. I would say it does correlate with the GPA, although perhaps not with the SAT score which seems a bit low than one might expect from the essay,</p>
<p>Honestly, you would do well to stop relying on the thesaurus. Big words NEVER = good essay, and it’s obvious when you use a word whose meaning you do not fully understand.</p>
<p>Some awkward wording in your essay:</p>
<p>“The naivety of a thirteen year old bunged the notion of consequences.”
“The winding road I had hiked with my father for a plethora of years had cleft…”
“This fortitude will facilitate me to work diligently at my studies and provide others with a immense work ethic atmosphere.”</p>
<p>So you get what I mean. Plus, you say “lacerations” twice.
Don’t rely on large words; they do not convey that you are intelligent as much as the fact that you can read a thesaurus. You have to rely on your own vocabulary to write a truly “well-written” essay in your OWN style.</p>
<p>No, this essay does not correlate with a 4.2 and 1950. It is below that. There is an honest story here worth telling, though. Try telling it with no pretension and without the “big” words which both obscure the meaning and tire the reader. </p>
<p>It is not clear what really happened. You chose to live with your mother to get away from the pressure of your father who wanted you to become a doctor. Now you want to become a doctor. it’s not clear why. Don’t over explain the desire to become a doctor. Do explain how putting distance between you and your father (and his pressure) allowed you to know yourself. Describe the new space. </p>
<p>Try rewriting it with this lead “Home is not at your house,” I whispered to myself . . . or I whispered into the phone. Develop concept of: Home is where I am free to become myself.</p>
<p>Agree with ^ You are trying far too hard… just relax and tell the story. Right now, I am bogged down by the impression that you are trying to convey that your intellect is superior to all who have come before (Like I just did there.) shorter words, focus on the story. I felt myself getting lost in the imagery, and so the simple but powerful STORY is lost.</p>
<p>Agree w/ all of the above replies. This does NOT sound like a teenager would speak or write at all.</p>
<p>Our D scored 800 on the SAT writing component, is ranked 10th in her graduating class and loves writing. She plans to major in Public Relations; not sure where yet. Her essay was about her years on the tennis team and several readers thought it was a great, heartfelt story that really would give colleges a great glimpse of what she’s all about. The biggest word in it was “camaraderie”. ;)</p>