This is the prompt:
(Optional) Duke University seeks a talented, engaged student body that embodies the wide range of human experience; we believe that the diversity of our students makes our community stronger. If you’d like to share a perspective you bring or experiences you’ve had to help us understand you better-perhaps related to a community you belong to, your sexual orientation or gender identity, or your family or cultural background-we encourage you to do so. Real people are reading your application, and we want to do our best to understand and appreciate the real people applying to Duke. (250 word limit)
And this is my response:
I’m sometimes uncomfortable talking about my activism, although to many it encompasses who I am. When my mom brings it up to her coworkers or my grandfather can’t make it through a conversation with a waiter without mentioning it, I flinch every time those four letters drop, heavy and conspicuous, from their lips. I hate the way the atmosphere becomes fragile, the overzealous assurances of support, the presumptions, and that I am suddenly regarded differently and more carefully. I hate that “Oh, I have lots of gay friends!” is deemed an appropriate response. I hate that my classmates cough “Queer!” after me in the hallways. My teachers like to try and solicit the “LGBT perspective” from me, or forward me articles they’ve found about trans* bathroom legislation. I was once seriously asked if I happened to have a pride flag in my bookbag.
Constantly, people - supportive and intolerant, teacher and peer and counselor and coworker - try to define me by my perceived sexual orientation. While the intention is honorable, if you truly want to “get to know me better”, a few letters out of LGBTQIA+ won’t help you. The communities I’ve found sprawled - arms, legs, laughter, backpacks - on an overstuffed couch in the wings of the auditorium with my cast, or making stupid jokes about Lost Generation literature with my AP English class, have had far more of an impact on me than the communities that can be checked off on a census.
This was written a week or so ago from a place of sincere frustration, but I’m afraid that it’s a little too salty and would put them off. (The activism I mention is heavily detailed throughout rest of application - mostly LGBT+ youth advocacy, anti-LGBT+ bullying efforts, etc). I’d really appreciate some outsider perspective.
I like it, as you are asked to provide your perspective and you definitely do that.
Are you saying that your grandfather actually mentions the four letters LGBT to every waiter he meets? Sounds like a bit of an exaggeration. Overall I like your writing style.
@CheddarcheeseMN I wish I was lying. He likes to keep cutouts from the Caitlyn Jenner Vanity Fair article in his wallet and force them to hmm and haw politely over it. Does it come across too much as hyperbole, though?
Two things…you mention your frustration with the four letters before mentioning the four letters. I found that presumptuous of the writer, and that forced me to skip ahead of my actual reading pace and position to see what the letters were.
Secondly, where you mention ‘found with your cast,’ also seems presumptuous of the writer, and in disregard of the reader. Sure, auditorium is a clue, but I did feel I wanted to hear you say “theater/performance/drama-” before cast.
Overall, I don’t find it cheeky at all. A little congested in its presentation, but conversational enough not to run anyone away, or make the corners of the mouth turn downward.
You can certainly stand by this without worries.
EDIT, add: If this subject is quite evident throughout the rest of the application, you do need to move on to something else, something new if you can. Gives you breadth and dimension.
@Waiting2exhale I’d definitely agree that it’s congested. There are lots of cumbersome problem spots that I’m going to keep tweaking.
Your addition is one of my major concerns. My Common App essay is about my activism and I touch on it briefly in “Why Duke”. I really don’t want to be put in a box because of that. I had another draft of this essay that quickly said I didn’t think my sexuality was relevant and talked some about my participation in theatre, but it was difficult to justify my high school auditorium as a community that gives me a unique and valuable perspective at a place like Duke. I also was afraid that with such a pointed question, and with my LGBT+ advocacy already established, it would be conspicuous not to bring it up.
If you’re certain they’ll understand what those four letters are from the rest of your app, that’s good, but I ran through a couple of things (gay, queer, etc.) before realizing what you meant. I find it cheeky because it’s in response to this particular question which asks you specifically about
*a perspective you bring, or
*experiences you’ve had to help us understand you better.
My read of your essay is that you would like your perceived sexual orientation to not become a totalizing part of your identity and your application, but this partiuclar essay may not be the best place for it-- unless you:
*talk about how this perspective, and how your activism is another part of who you are, and not pivot at the end, or
*make it clear how the experiences you mention (of forced sympathy, consideration, what have you) contribute to the activism you’ve touched upon in other parts of your application or the person you want to be
The essay feels frustrated to me, and frustration isn’t a good place to be with a college app. If you want to talk about theatre, do so-- take out the frustration, take the last part of your essay (and shorten the top bit) and move to theatre. Or, if you want to talk about your perspective, I would still take out the frustration, and move towards how this perspective is something that we need at Duke, or how you define yourself beyond being LGBTQ+.
@BakerStBarricade : I would agree with purpleacorn that the essay conveys frustration, and that there is an opportunity in that to expound on your activism as a way to show that you are cognizant of the work to be done, and why it is important. Speak as though you are not worn down by it, but embrace the sure successes toward your goals that you know will come. It is this self-possessed and forward-moving perspective and energy you will deliver to Duke’s campus.
Now, you cannot go wrong talking about the impact the theater has had on your life, and the sense of community that is able to be forged and found there.
“The essay feels frustrated to me, and frustration isn’t a good place to be with a college app.”
It really picks up at, "if you truly want to “get to know me better”… That paragraph is clean and empowered and where I believe you should consider starting. It shows you interact, enjoy it, can have fun. And that you feel part of this larger community than just some label. That’s important to colleges building a community of their own. Then it also provides some grounding for the activism (or some statement about that.)
To want you in the class, they don’t have to be convinced you’re frustrated by others’ labels and learn who says what. Try reading it a few times by starting at this point and then finding your finish.
Just wanted to give an update that I got into Duke! After submitting my application I got super paranoid and would have done anything to change my supplemental response, but I guess it wasn’t that bad after all
