Is this really supposed to be the best time of our lives?

Parents Forum
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<p>First of all, I apologize for not checking everyone's responses--right after I posted this I was off to visit relatives who don't own a computer. Also, thanks to everyone who commented!</p>

<p>ariesathena - I spent most of my time out of my room last year. I never went to any frat parties, but they were the big weekend entertainment, since it's a small college in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I've made a total of 3 friends, and 2 of them are dating, so that's probably going to go bad one of these days. My "group" hasn't formed yet--my high school group revolved around the same people from the 7th grade, with a few girls who joined up as the years progressed. I've looked into transferring, but this school is cheap and it has my major (Communication Disorders). I'm paying for college by myself, so cost is a major issue.</p>

<p>In response to Northstarmom, in post #6 - I've tried participating in ECs that interested me, but the groups were all too extreme for me (e.g. College Democrats; I'm more liberal than any of them, but I don't care enough about politics to fit in) or rapidly died out (e.g. a running club that had one meeting before being disbanded). I talk with people in my classes and in my dorm, but I'm a naturally shy person... it's rough. Most of the people in my dorm just weren't my "sort" of people. I'm very liberal, into piercings, tattoos, and music--almost everyone I met was put off by all of that. Granted, not everyone was put off by it (my best friend is a conservative Mormon). I couldn't even leech off any of my roommate's friends, since he had none (mainly because he was one of the most unlikeable people in the world, and I'm NOT joking).</p>

<p>SuNa - I really like your post. Thank you.</p>

<p>-Allmusic- - I ****ed around during my freshman year of high school and spent the next 3 years recovering, which really dragged my opinion of high school down. I've been told my entire life that college is "better" than high school, and yeah, it is--to a point. I'm a bit of a pessimist, but I made a deliberate attempt at being optimistic when coming here. It... didn't work. I really am trying to make the most of my experience, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I like what you said about the attitude readjustment--I actually changed my major right before the semester ended, and my new major requires the same classes to be taken by the same people at the same time. I am more enthusiastic about this major than I've been about almost anything else over the last few years. Thank you!</p>

<p>barrons - I've actually made plans to visit a couple of my friends this summer, which is essentially going on a road trip across America. I didn't mean to sound pretentious by any means, but drinking is all anyone EVER does for entertainment at my school. It gets old.</p>

<p>dmd77 - I have a family history of depression, and I have been extremely depressed (to the point of attempting suicide) in the past. I've been depressed at various points throughout the school year, primarily during the first half of first semester--I was barely eating and working out/studying WAY too much, I was away from all of my friends and family, and I had no friends--but this gradually dissipated. I was much more busy second semester (20 hours a week in classes, working, studying, working out, and finding time for friends), so depression never had the chance to hit.</p>

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<p>The one thing I absolutely love about college is the opportunity to LEARN. I love this so much. I've had pretty difficult classes here, but I've earned my high grades much more easily than I earned my mediocre grades in high school. My school is a (public) LAC, and it has a very intellectual atmosphere that really fits me. It's everything else that's really dragging me down.</p>

<p>stargazerlily: "Despite my excitement for college, I keep trying to tell myself that it won't be perfect and that things do not work themselves out; I have to work them out for myself if I want things to happen. And I know there are a lot of things that may not work out; I guess in the end it's about making time for the things that are most important to me." This is so, so true. I wish you the best of luck in college!</p>

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<p>Meh. College, like life, gives you lots of choices. One of those choices is that you can choose to be around people who share fundamental values with you (like, let's say, the belief that learning, politics, and art are more important than the perfect tan or the perfect image). I didn't have that choice in high school. So I didn't feel there was anything I could make of it.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
since it's a small college in a small town in the middle of nowhere.

[/quote]

Hence the drinking. Rural schools have amazingly high rates of alcohol issues. Really, really consider transferring... the money might be worth it. Cliques are also big in smaller schools - there's a small enough group so they can form.</p>

<p>But give the friend situation time. My "friend group" didn't develop until sophomore year. Four of us lived together - I sort of knew one girl before the year started - and we were all great friends within a month. For very different reasons, we all had tough freshman years that made it hard to make friends. </p>

<p>I actually never had a "friend group," although I had a ton of friends. Mostly, I had several groups and felt fortunate (beyond belief) to be loved by all of them. </p>

<p>If you can't transfer, find a way to have fun at college with people that you can enjoy. Start a club of some sort - hell, start a Monty Python society or similar nonsense. Start a "coffeehouse intellectual" group. </p>

<p>I fully agree with Hanna about spending time around people who share your fundamental values. High school, for that reason, was really tough - very anti-intellectual, although the "achievers" really wanted good grades - so they cheated. Very much small town, narrow-minded people who didn't care about what they were learning. I think I had more in common with my teachers than my fellow students.</p>

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<p>College for me was a really special time of growth and new experiences. I wouldn't say it was the BEST time of my life, but it was a great time. My freshman year, however, was NOT. I had very few friends--really only one I could call a friend--and was working on overcoming my shyness. Sophomore year I became involved in a dynamic group where I felt comfortable, but was also stimulated to grow and stretch myself. That was the wonderful part of college. </p>

<p>I enjoyed my classes and the intellectual atmosphere, but it was that group of people (who all lived together in a coop dorm) that made it a great experience. And I don't think I would have found that at just any college; picking a college that fits your interests and personality really is important. I don't know what that means for you--whether a transfer or just finding the right group will help. But don't judge everything by the freshman year, either; it can be notoriously difficult in any number of ways.</p>

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<p>atm-I think your tendencies toward depression are going to color your perceptions of any experience that you have. You are in a rural area, but if there is any way you can seek some help (cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown repeatedly to be effective in treating moderate depression--also meds if they work for you) sooner rather than later you will save yourself a lot of years of missing out on what everybody else "gets." I went through adolescence, college and my '20s without any treatment and now I wish I could have a big do over--depression can be a screen that keeps you cut off, and it's almost always your own perceptions that are doing the damage. If you treat the disorder like you would treat any chronic disease (like diabetes) and learn strategies to manage the symptoms you will avoid missing out on a lot of good times.</p>

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<p>HS was not a great experience for me ... the sweet spot was for the partying jock who was an OK student (and their gf) ... it wasn't a great place if you were one of the smart kids. </p>

<p>College was a great experience. I definately would not have said that freshman year ... I was way too shy and it took awhile for me to grow up enough to really explore life. But starting my sophmore year college was one of the highlight times of my life. As other said not day-to-day (too much work, not enough good weather, not good enough with the women, etc) but looking at semesters, or years, or certainly the body on the whole it was great and amazing. How did I realize it at the time ... even when I was still finding my way as a freshman I realized during winter break the 3rd floor of Dickson Hall at Cornell was my home and I was just visiting my parents and my old hometown ... and that feeling just became stronger the longer I was at Cornell.</p>

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<p>You are extremely liberal, borderline edgy and you looked for "your people" in the College democrats? Can we talk? College Democrats are headed to Washington. Seen any pierced or tatted Senators on telly recently? </p>

<p>You have to look in a different place for "your people". </p>

<p>Tip number one: Next semester, sign up for a studio art or drama class. That's where the edgy avant garde live at a university. They aren't going to be put off by your extreme fashion sense. </p>

<p>Tip number two: If you love learning, pump up that enjoyment. Adopt originaloog's policy of attending one lecture or concert per week.</p>

<p>Tip number three: Look for a cognitive therapist at school to help you develop strategies that lead you to focus on the positive experiences. </p>

<p>Tip number four: Start planning your JYA. London is full of edgy kids, as is Tokyo. Oh, the fun you could have there!</p>

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<p>I don't believe in "the best time of my life" concept. Great times happen when you least expect it. I think the key is to be striving for goals while at the same time loving/growing/learning/enjoying where you are in the journey. It is easy to fall into the trap that things will be better in the next phase be it college, the next job, the new town, marraige, family, etc.</p>

<p>Think about it...if you are ready t chalk up high school or college as the best time of your life, isn't that a sad commentary on your expectations for the rest of your life? I am in my mid 40's and find that I get immense satisfaction from where I am (raising kids, building a career, growing in faith) but I look back in my life with fond memories and look forward (retirement, grandkids, travelling) with anticipation. </p>

<p>There will be challenges and negativity wherever you go. There is also likely to be opportunities and positivity. We have some power over where we focus our energies.</p>

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<p>There isn't one "best time" in your life. But I do feel sad and bittersweet reading about your situation, and do wish that the high school/college years were better for a lot of people. High school does not work for a lot of people, because they do not fit in. At that age, if your parents don't help, you are not going to have much luck making yourself fit in better. College- well, it's generally easier to "fit in", since you often pick your school, the school is bigger, and people that age are more into the idea that it's OK to be different. But many people are under excessive academic stress, financial pressures, and beginning romantic pressures, so that can ruin it. And maybe they DON'T fit in at the school. Hate to say it, but fitting in is important. There- a parent over fifty said it. And I have learned it the hard way.</p>

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<p>Very well said, OneMom.</p>

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<p>anymore experiences?</p>

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<p>atmjunk,
I think that when people look back we tend to remember all the fun times and not the stressful or negative ones. Yes, I enjoyed college--but the years after have been better (except for more responsibilities).</p>

<p>My youngest feels alot like you do. He says that he feels like his whole life thus far he has spent wishing for the next stage. Middle school was boring, couldn't wait for high school. High school didn't live up to expectations, couldn't wait for college. Now he finds college not fun--constant work and alot of pressure and he is looking forward to the end of these four years.</p>

<p>I don't know how to help him or you, except to tell you both to look for the positive things each day---there will be some. If you are truly unhappy at your present school, begin visits to other schools--you have a better idea now than when you were a high schooler of what to look for on a campus or in a school.</p>

<p>How are things going now?</p>

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<p>I was told by my guidance counselors that HIGH SCHOOL was the best time of my life. I HATED it and left early to go to college. College was much better. I had peers who understood me, but it's a time of life with huge ups and downs, even without diagnosable depression, which you should keep your eye on since it's in your family. Even tho I loved my school, I dropped out and moved around for years before finding a focus. Nothing wrong with that.</p>

<p>Keep in contact with people, even here in cyberspace, but better yet in college activities. It can be anything. Grinnell has a chips and dips club. Macalester has Mac Soup. There are clubs watching funny movies and others debating weighty issues. </p>

<p>You sound like an interesting person. Keep the faith. Sometimes life experiences look a lot better in retrospect. Sometimes anti-depressants or transfers are in order. You are the only one who can determine the best time in your life.</p>

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<p>College IS the best time -because you have the freedom without the responsibilities of later life, without the restrictions of childhood. This does not mean life is perfect and refers to the typical young single student. So many options, only yourself to consider on a daily basis. Joining clubs etc. is not what makes it best; Bethievt said it with "peers who understood me". It takes time to run into those people, some find them in the dorm, some in clubs or organized activities, some of us through others in the same classes with overlapping interests. Best is also a relative term, it takes a lot of life experiences to decide which overall stage in life had the highest ratio of pros to cons. The balance of freedoms to responsibilities; most of us would not give up our current situations with all the accrued benefits our lives have given us, but college sure was nice despite some of those courses.</p>

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<p>I had a revelatory experience a number of years ago when I returned to my university as a research fellow. I had signed up to teach a seminar at my old college house, but when I visited the building I flipped out (I think it was the black-and-white linoleum in the dining hall). I believe I was responding to the unpleasant aspects of college life that, in this case, were not buffered by the presence of friends. That these comrades are still friends to this day, and we vacation together with all of our kids, speaks for itself. Of note for the OP (who is hopefully happily preoccupied with the new school year), several of these friends were by no means instant bosom buddies. It can take awhile to really get to know people.</p>