Jealous friends ....

I hace a friend who has bragged all through her kids childhood like they are the second coming, and the kids have turned out to be a tremendous disappointment to their parents… rightly so. My kids, who we have struggled with in the teen years are now employed in a good job and doing well in school. She is struggling with the green eyed monster and behaves a bit snarky. I’m not one to be confrontational, but it’s very ugly. I don’t talk about my kids unless asked, so don’t twist the knife or anything like that.

It doesn’t sound like you should be friends. Life’s too short. Neither of you seem to have sufficient care, compassion, or empathy for each other. (And I’m not talking smack on you…I know how a nice person can lose some amount of compassion when someone has been judgey toward and competitive with you.) If you can’t turn it around for yourself - have nothing but understanding, care, and compassion for her and her kids, no matter how she acts - why be friends?

You’re probably right. I can’t stand when people act ugly when they are jealous…I have no compassion for that behavior. I excuse the bragging. But i have zero tokerance when I’m the target of nothing I’ve done. Since DH is friends with hers and we’ve been couple friends for years, it’s more difficult to hold her at arms length than if she were just my friend.

I would let the DHs socialize together without you. I have no tolerance whatsoever for the jealous parent-type and put as much distance as I can between them and me.

One mom went so far as to tell my child she wasn’t invited to a party at the end of senior year (which she actually was - the mom was helping with the party planning but was not the host). What kind of a person gets pleasure out of trying to hurt the feelings of a 17 year old?! Life’s too short.

Can you give an example of the snark? What kinds of things does she say?

I admit to being silently jealous of some of my friend’s kids…the ones who are grandparents especially. I wouldn’t dream of raining on their parades though.

Of course, many are silently jealous while happy for good fortunes and blessings of your there, especially healthy grandkids but snark and open nastiness is unpleasant and can definitely put a damper on things.

There is much to be jealous of, if you let yourself, no matter who you might be. However hopefully higher standards prevail.

If you have it in you, it might be worth an honest conversation, as to how the snark makes you feel and makes relating to her difficult. Call her on her behaviors, as putting up with it is not doing either of you any favors. At times I am up to these conversations, at other times not. Only you can figure out whether you want to tread on this difficult ground.

If I were you, I’d take a break from this friend. Life is too short to spend time with people who are unpleasant.

Why? I don’t quite get this.

I would start calling her out on it every time she’s ugly to you, and see what happens. The situation may solve itself.

I have this situation with my sister. Our children are the same ages. Her children are perfect, and mine have issues. This started when they were babies and her son was potty trained first, and then he could ride a bike first, and then he could read first (although he couldn’t). I decided I didn’t care and would just say “that’s nice, good for him.”

My kids really do have issues. One was a micro-preemie, so she didn’t walk until she was 16 months old. She took longer to meet every milestone. My second child was adopted as a toddler, so of course she was slower to talk, read, make friends. I often have to remind myself just how far they have come in life, without all the tutors and private clubs and special activities her kids have had.

Now that they are in college, my sister continues this rivalry. Does DD have an internship? Oh, she got an A in calc? Well, PerfectSon didn’t get an A (the first or second time he took it!) but his school is MUCH harder than DD’s. Oh, she has a boyfriend? PerfectSon has a perfect girlfriend who is very rich and smart (she’s lovely, but so is DD’s boyfriend)

I can’t get rid of my sister, but I refuse to get into it with her. I continue to say “that’s nice.”

@Conmama and @twoinanddone, to the extent it is at all comforting, I think this type of behavior comes from deep insecurity of the person who exhibits it. It is irksome to be the recipient, but when it’s too much or too frequent, I just am very “busy” and unavailable for awhile until I can tolerate it again. I’m sure it must also be acutely embarrassing to the spouses and the kids involved.

We’ve been in the position for years where it’s the grandparents/grandmother doing this: “Oh, your DS got into grad school with full support? - Cousin C just got a job in San Fran paying a bazillion dollars a year. I just wish your S could get something like that.” Nowadays, I just gaze into space and ponder the fact that grandma’s 83 and has no filter.

Do folks really talk grades, salaries, and stuff outside the immediate family unit - child and parents? I don’t see the upside to that.

We never reveal financial info to relatives or friends–it just introduces all sorts of problems. I also see no upside.

I have learned a very big lesson in life. My kids were mostly the kids who succeeded. They were the smart and talented kids. Top in the class. I was smug.

But I had no right to be. So many of my kids classmates have done as well or far superior to my kids, Actually, I think I and H are the reason our kids have not been as successful or happier in their careers as perhaps they should/could have been.

We may have been to strict and too laisse fair at the same time.

I admit to silent jealousy. I was a perfect student but I married a smart guy with LD’s and not as much ambition as I have. I feel happy for my friends when their kids achieve but I feel sad that my children are not living up to their potential and more so that none of them regarded school and their education as a competitive sport and, by that, I mean that none of them felt it was important to achieve good grades merely for the sake of having good grades. I don’t understand how I failed as a parent to inculcate my children with the desire to succeed. They all take after my H, who is very laid back and happy to let me support him. My D actually once said to me that getting the highest grade in a class was not nice because it hurt the other kids’ feelings! I told her that was true only if you told the other kids what your grade was. Maybe I will be able to instill the love of success at school in my grandchildren, should I ever have any.

Kids will do as they will. We can only do our best and they will do their best. If we compare ourselves to others and our kids to others, we will be both vain and envious, neither of which is productive. I am happy that at the moment, both of my kids are “in a good place,” and content. It works for us. We have all had some tough times and we have all made some mistakes. Sometimes our kids did OK in spite of us and sometimes because of us, we think. All any of us can do is our best.

Thanks all. It is only human to feel envy, but it’s what you do with that envy, right? Of course when I heard about all the great things and how amazing (yes, she would say amazing), her kids were at this or that, we would just be gracious with a “that’s wonderful” type of response and attitude. I know it’s not me who has felt it overboard, as she has a really good friend who looked at me and rolled her eyes at a party. Now that the kids aren’t successful, and don’t seem to be going anywhere, I’m hearing about their own financial success. I was just told they met with a planner and they were able to put back $150k a year in theirvretiremen, wasn’t that good? I just acted like I was half hearing what she said. She had just found out that evening that my DS has a job, and i could tell by facial expression and lack of questions that it I irked her. I just needed to vent. She’s one of those people that needs to have more, kids are more, their life is more to be totally happy. Very competitive. I know it stems from insecurity, but my patience has run quite thin.

They can be a lot of fun, though. I remember the first time we vacationed with them, we didn’t know them extremely well then. It was a great time but DH and I both agreed we were tired of “celebrating” them.