<p>Just a quick question for you parents:</p>
<p>If you dislike some of your child's friends for whatever reason (you think they're a "bad" kid/influence, etc.), do you try and forbid your child from associating with them? Do you flat out make them unable to hang out with them, or do you let them do as they wish with this person, and hope that they make the right choices? What do you do?</p>
<p>Any stories about friends of your son/daughter that you didn't like?
What did you do?</p>
<p>Great theme! It’s hard to say because every kid is different. I didn’t have any problems with my S; he was always with kids like him or alone, but he never was with somebody I was uncomfortable with. With my D was different. She had few friends that I didn’t like; I talked to her about that, but she never listened until she had to admit I was right.
My main concern was her boyfriend, two and a half years older (sophomore at college now). We had long conversations and lectures were our rules were very clear and the penalties for breaking them too. Luckily she chose very well a kid that respected our rules (although sometimes arguing with some of them like curfews as any 19 years old does) They had a great relationship and they earned my entirely trust, unfortunately, after almost three years saying that they love each other to the eternity, they entered in a period of ten days of fights (mostly because they are a thousand miles apart), and yesterday they broke up.<br>
I believe that we always have to keep an eye in friendships, and when we feel that something is not right, talk about it with our children.</p>
<p>Keeping the lines of communication open is smart. Be very careful not to directly criticize any of child's friends but instead ask info questions--try to see what your child sees in each of those friends. Is it excitement because they know parents will disapprove? Bigger sense of adventure? More assertive?
There's nothing wrong with cultivating stronger friendships with the kids you DO like by offering to drive them wherever or going for snacks/meals.</p>
<p>My family has always tried to let us make our own mistakes RE friends. My parents never forbade us from seeing anyone in particular (tho my younger sister did give my folks concerns because of the company she kept). They always felt that forbidding something gave it added allure. If they didn't believe we made good choices, we would be grounded or similar, but they never restricted whom we associated with. </p>
<p>It might be good for you to encourage your kid to have "the gang" (particularly those kids you're not comfortable with) over to your place a few times, so you can get to know them better to confirm or refute your "feelings" about them.</p>
<p>I do talk with my kids about the qualities I admire in their friends.</p>
<p>I absolutely detest my daughter's "best" friend. The kid is a whiny, sniveling, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, controlling brat. She does not, however, engage in any behavior that my husband and I find off limits, so I grit my teeth and restrain myself to raising my eyebrows every time my daughter complains about the beast. Thankfully, daughter has recently told me that she knows they won't stay in touch after high school.</p>
<p>Better a yucky best friend now than an awful SIL down the road!</p>
<p>FYI, i am a college student. I'm just wondering this out loud because my parents don't like some of my friends, and I just want to see what other people do when they don't exactly like their kids' friends, and compare my parents' actions. </p>
<p>Is it different if your kids are in college? Do you think you can forbid someone 18 or over from seeing certain friends, if they are living at home (either hs seniors or commuting college students)?</p>
<p>Well, if your parents are contributing to the cost of your education and/or allowing you to live in their house, they can set any conditions they like for continuing to do those things. The fact that you are 18 doesn't change this.</p>
<p>But your parents probably don't want to say, "If you spend any time with John, I will stop paying your tuition." They probably just want you to be aware of why they find John objectionable. And they probably want you to be sure not to get yourself into unfortunate situations as a result of your friendship with John. For example, if your parents object to John because he shoplifts, they are probably hoping that you know better than to go to the mall with him. Meeting him at a restaurant or visiting his home is less of a problem. If your parents object to John because he drinks too much, they are probably hoping that you won't get into situations where John does the driving. You get the idea.</p>
<p>I told my kids when they were young that I'd always know what they were up to by the kinds of friends they hung out with. Generally, the dopers will tend to hang mostly with dopers, punkers with punkers, goth with goth, popular with popular, etc. The more kids try to be 'different', the more they 'conform' by dressing and behaving the 'same' as their chosen group. The point I was trying to get across was that if I noticed their friends did drugs or other improper behavior, I'd know that my kid was likely doing the same thing even if they hid it from me well. </p>
<p>I was lucky - both of my kids chose their friends well and I had no issues. Now that they're both in college, I have enough faith (based on experience) in them to not be concerned. I'll still pay attention to it though.</p>
<p>One restriction I did do though was I wouldn't allow either of my Ds to go out with or even attend a dance in HS with a boy more than one grade ahead of them regardless of who the boy was. The age/grade delta just can cause too many issues that aren't worth dealing with.</p>
<p>Regarding "forbidding the 18yo to associate with someone if living at home" - although I think there would have to be a very good reason for this in my mind, it is within my purvue. I've told them, and they understand, that I won't 'enable' behaviors I don't condone hence my support is conditional. If they think they can be independent enough to break this type of tie, then they can just be independent enough to support themselves as well. This sounds harsh but I've never had a problem where I had to put my foot down. I think it helps as long as the ground rules are explained and understood up front. I also think they know that if the situation was so bad that I put my foot down, I probably had very good reason to and maybe they should pay attention to my viewpoint.</p>
<p>The issue has never really come up in our household because I've alway found my kids to be very good at choosing friends. [I agree that kids often hang out with kids that are similar to them & would not be surprised if the behavior that is "objectionable" about the friends is a behavior shared by the kid.] </p>
<p>My S is pretty quiet & "geeky." His friends are similarly quiet & "geeky," enjoying chess, computer games, math & science! In HS, he was never able to find friends who shared his love of current events, but hopefully will find that in college. He filled out a room mate matching survey & has been given a room mate that is very compatible with him--quiet, neat, and loves reading (my S does too).</p>
<p>My D is a bit more complex & therefore has an ecclectic mix of friends. She has some friends from paddling the outrigger canoe but most of her friends are part of her social "clique." Some of them like Anime/Manga, some like debating, a few like role-playing games. They're all considerate and very loyal & have remained her friend despite her frequent and prolonged absences.</p>
<p>I am very fortunate that neither kid has ever given me reason to question their good judgment of people. I have always enjoyed getting to know their friends & friends' families. I have not met the kids my S hangs out with in college, but have every reason respect his choice of friends & companions.</p>
<p>This issue has come with one of my children twice. One time my S chose "the child in question" as a friend, and the second time "the child in question" was not a friend, but was a friend of a couple of my son's friends. I won't go into details as to why I squashed the associations, but I did need to do that. My son understood it, and actually agreed with it. It was hard on my S socially for a few weeks (each time), but he dealt with it, and it blew over. Hope this helps.</p>
<p>In answer to your question, I "flat out did not allow them to hang out together". Our decision was not a frivolous one. There were some real issues behind my H's, and my decision.</p>
<p>I was such a big nerd in high school that my parents were pretty much thrilled that I was hanging out with anyone at all (my friends all smoked/drank/smoked pot/had sex, but my parents knew perfectly well that I was the world's squarest 16-year-old). </p>
<p>But one of my sisters had close friends my mom had no use for. They didn't do anything much worse than watch TV, drink, and gossip, but they weren't ambitious or studious, and I think that impacted my sister's level of ambition. Once she went to college, and especially graduate school, she turned into a very different kind of student. All that being said, I think my parents were right to leave it alone. Unless they were really endangering my sister, it would have been counterproductive to try and kick them out of her life.</p>
<p>gemstar:</p>
<p>The question is; why do your parents disapprove of these particular friends? </p>
<p>It's hard to do but if you seriously try to look at it from your parents' perspective, can you see why they might not approve? Assuming you have other friends that your Ps approve of, what is it about these particular ones that are putting off your Ps? Most Ps will disapprove because they believe the people will have a negative influence on their kid. Can you see any reason why your Ps would think these particular people would have a negative influence on you? </p>
<p>Going through the above process should at least help you understand the issues and their perspective. You might even end up agreeing with them.</p>