Same with my MIL, except in this case it’s her brother’s daughter, who is the same age as her oldest granddaughter (my oldest D). It even extends to dogs-if I mention that my not-so-smart rescue chihuahua finally graduated from obedience school, she’ll immediately start talking about how smart and awesome her neighbor’s dog is, and how she bought the neighbor’s dog a toy, and how much she enjoys playing with it. My dog? Nope, no toys from grandma, ever.
I just don’t know what to make of it, but my husband said he doesn’t ever remember getting a compliment from her growing up because she was too busy talking about how amazing everyone else was. It’s a weird, weird way to be, and very damaging to children, imo.
I am REALLY looking forward to the girls going to college so we have the excuse to move away. I don’t think they’ll notice we’ve gone, frankly.
Maybe you and your husband have different definitions of success? To me, a happy kid is a success. All A’s is nice if that’s something that’s important to you internally, but I don’t think you can create desires like that in kids who are not inclined that way. And I used to try-I put so much pressure on my kids because of their test scores when they were young. All I got was unhappy, stressed out kids who could never live up to the unrealistic expectations I created because that’s what I thought “success” was.
At some point when they were early on in high school, I got some counseling for my attitude (because I could tell I was making my kids really unhappy), and now I work really hard at helping the girls be successful by their own metric, not mine. And I am so proud of all the things they are doing (great and small, third place, no place or first place, fun or serious), because they are enjoying the journey instead of beating themselves up to get to a destination they never asked for.
@conmama I think many of us have friends or family who behave in similar fashion. I know I do.
I think when everything is so “amazing” turns out to not be quite so “amazing”. I know that for the person I’m thinking of, it’s a way of masking what the truth is. There is lots of denial as to what reality is. It’s what they want reality to be, not what it is or has ever been.
I also have a family member who feels they need to put me down to make themselves look better. They were better at school than I was, gifted they were. I was just average. They are a great athlete, I’m not. It goes on and on. It extends to their kids. Even to the schools they go to, they go to superior schools, I have no idea how great the school is. How rich their classmates are. It goes on and on.
I find people who brag and brag, draining. And people who want to talk only about themselves, hard to take. I think it gets easier when there are grandkids because everyone knows that bragging of grandkids is acceptable
What do I do? I limit my exposure. It’s too bad for that family member because they could use a friend. But it’s too damaging to my self esteem honestly. I complain to my H, he’s really nice about it. :-j
@techmom99 If your kids are happy and grow up to be self-supporting, I’d consider that a success. Seriously. I know many “successful” young people - grades, top schools, good careers - who are stressed, take prescription drugs for anxiety, etc. That’s NOT a good thing, IMO (says the mom of kids who are more like yours ). I think our society needs to adjust its barometer of what success means.
@conmama
“She had just found out that evening that my DS has a job, and i could tell by facial expression and lack of questions that it I irked her.”
Is this all she’s doing or does she actually say stuff, snark as mentioned earlier? My advice would be different for the two.
H and I have had a “couples” friendship where I could see some of the issues more than H, mainly because he and the other H had a common interest that they could expound on for hours. Men don’t always notice this stuff as easily (well, at least the men-folk in my world).
One-sided relationships don’t work for me the way they used to.
My husband and I are dealing with sort of the reverse of this. Our kids are doing well. Not curing cancer, but doing well getting/being promoted at jobs, having nice milestones, while my husband’s sister is dealing with a plague of horrors with her kids. As of this date, the LEAST of their problems is that their 22 year old son’s MS is speeding out of control and not responding to medication after medication. We live five minutes apart and they are wonderful people who always ask about our kids with a glad heart, but we can see it still hurts no matter how kind they are. There comes a point at which saying I’m sorry, no matter how sincerely, feels ridiculous.
It is so hard when people are having S tough time and it’s hard to find neutral, common ground to discuss that everyone cares about and not deal with “the elephants in the room.”
We have two kids–one doing great (happy in his career and pretty healthy) and one with chronic health issues who is doing her best in the situation she is in. We tend to just say they’re both doing fine and that’s all folks really want to hear and enough detail and then talk about other topics.
With another relative, one of his kids is doing fine while the other one has had struggles with the law and “bad friends” and Roger struggles. We ask about both and do care, but don’t dwell on either. It would be rude not to inquire about both but insensitive to probe.
I’m a big believer in karma. A big believer that everyone, at some point, will have difficulties in their lives. OP’s friend is now in that difficult phase after an easy phase earlier on in her children’s lives. Luck, success, achievement - they come in waves, ebbing and flowing. I myself was probably a bit insufferable years ago when my profoundly gifted son outshined all his peers. Karma caught up with me years later when it turned out he also had some serious LDs and depression which knocked him down to his knees by the time he was 18. Today I keep quiet about my kids’ successes, revel in others’, hope it continues and that friends’ bad phases end. I guess I’ve simply matured.
Been there, done that. I have had the kids who were successful by most standards, and my sister was jealous. She was jealous of me growing up, and she just transferred it to the kids. Now, it’s dh’s sister. My kid went to prestigious schools, and she said it was because they were minorities. Not true, but even if you really thought that, why would you say it? I hope she feels better when her second son starts making bank at Deloitte and mine is a struggling artist. I don’t care, but I think that she’ll feel better that somehow the “score” has been evened. There’s just no way for you to control others’ feelings so I just shrug it off – though I will call them on anything particularly offensive.
ETA: I always am effusive with praise at others’ kids’ accomplishments. Why not be? Success and happiness are not zero-sum games. Their good fortune in no way diminishes mine. Why can’t people just be nice?
@Youdon’tsay – “I always am effusive with praise at others’ kids’ accomplishments. Why not be? Success and happiness are not zero-sum games. Their good fortune in no way diminishes mine.” This!
I think that telling people how great your kids are doing is affirming that you did well as a parent, either from a perspective of “Thank God I didn’t screw them up” or, in some cases, “I am so great, I am a great parent and my kdis are great”
I only have anecdotal evidence, but many people, not all, but many, I knew who would come across as bragging when the kids were growing up, many of them were insecure, I later learned. On the other hand, several of “those parents” had kids who played University and even Pro sports, so maybe they were just right
From what I have experienced I have felt it always best to be low key. I don’t discuss what my child is doing with friends. If they ask I just say she is still figuring things out. As mother and daughter we share our accomplishments knowing we are not judging each other. Can’t say the same for others. If someone’s child does well I am genuinely happy for them. I don’t see the need for jealousy because I feel we each have our own journey. We were not put on this earth to be identical. We all face good and bad times in our life. I feel the only expectations we have to live up to are our own- not of extended family or society.
Honestly I don’t have time to focus on what others are doing. I think jealousy is not productive. What do I have to gain from it? I am always focused on my own goals or helping dd with attaining hers. Really that’s all that matters to me.
Low key seems safest. I am very careful what I ever reveal to my sisters and brothers because they are always so competitive and want to pit our kids against one another. Fortunately, our kids remain very close to their cousins and I mostly smile and nod and say our kids are “fine.” Each of the next generation is on track and progressing nicely. They are all great young adults and youngsters.
I brag about my pups here, but only to a few close friends in real life. One of my best friends will frequently inquire about how my pups are doing, as she knows I light up when I talk about them. She and I have endured some of the same medical issues, and we are both very proud that our pups are in better shape than we are (although one of her 4 is not currently in a good situation, unmotivated and struggling, the other 3 are super kids doing well)
Sometimes she will ask me about mine first, and others I will ask about hers. I used to be self-conscious about asking about hers, wondering if she thought I was only asking so I could brag about mine. But she came through big time for me when I was sick, preparing dinners for both families for a week when DH’s old job took him out of town. She and I have both had episodes where we’d be virtually incapacitated for several days. I recovered and was able to return the favor to her a few months later when she was down.
@zoosermom - I feel for you and for your friends. I hope you realize that sometimes friends appreciate just talking to you, hearing the good news about your kids is in its own way a pleasant distraction from what they are going through. Good people are a joy to have in our lives - even when it saddens us that they sometimes suffer too.
I certainly have my own personal and family struggles - and I think because of it I want to celebrate when things go well, either for me, or for someone I care about.
There have been plenty of people (including some family) who have said cruel things to me or sometimes to my pups. Sometimes some of them are clearly just jealous, sometimes they don’t know half the facts - like how hard my pups have worked, what we have overcome. I try not to let any of this upset me - why give them power over how I feel? But this was of course much more difficult when my pups, who try to please everyone, were younger and didn’t understand.
It is a bit crazy how competitive family can be. I remember when I was newly pregnant with my first baby and then my sister learned she was pregnant with her third. The first thing my older bachelor brother said was, oh, HImom, your kiddo will be cast in the shade by sister’s kid. Wow! Way to be supportive!
On the flipside, if you want people to really like you, when the subject of your friends kids accomplishments come up try this move right out of the Dale Carnegie playbook:
“Go ahead and brag about your kids with me. I love to hear it and I am proud of them too”.
My niece’s kids are just a little younger than mine. I refer to them, collectively, as the superlatives. Everything they have ever done they have been the best who have ever done it. Yes, it is insecurity. I don’t even talk about my kids to her, but I think she used to hear about them from the grandparents, who were just bowled over by how smart mine are.
We don’t see as much of them any more. I wish them well, but have to admit I don’t miss the constant boasting.
Boasting can be wearying. It also is bad for the subject of the boast. It’s sad when it divides families and friends. My younger brother says the cousins set a very high standard for his kids, who are the youngest, since everyone is doing nicely. I hope he and his kids and wife don’t feel pressure but suspect they do.
I am very lucky with a very supportive extended family. We have 6 young adults between all of us. They range from ages 27-21 (D1 is the oldest).
Over the weekend, my nephew (sister’s son) was admitted to Stanford, Columbia and JHU International Relations (Policy) programs. There were a lot of woohoo going around on FB. We were all genuinely happy for him. The youngest nephew (my brother’s son) is graduating this year with a great job offer and we were all toasting this xmas. When D2 was wondering what she should do about law school, my sister and BIL (both lawyers) offered their advise and help.
All of our kids are very close. They visit each other and they also visit their uncles and aunts. We treat them like they are our own kids.
Bless my parents, I don’t think they have ever said one grandkid was better or more loved than another.
). I think our society needs to adjust its barometer of what success means.