Junior's Off at College Now; So What Am I ... Chopped Liver?

Parent Cafe
21

Y’all can’t have it both ways. If parents have the right to their college kids’ information (without the kid signing a release OR a private family agreement) then mandatory parental responsibility also needs to be extended. There needs to be a cut off somewhere, and frankly, 18 is old enough. By the time I was 16, I knew everything there was to know…about being a dependent minor. There was literally nothing left for my parents to teach me at 18 if I had 4 more years being legally under their control, unable to work, move out, sign contracts, ect. This extended adolence is getting ridiculous.

I’m starting to think that my parents’ lack of monetary contribution to my education is more and more of a blessing every day.

22

It was a fight to get one of my kids’ well known colleges to allow her to submit a FERPA waiver so I could have access to her academic info if necessary. My kid was happy to do it, but the college had no process to do so – no form or procedure. My kid and I ended up making multiple stops in the registrar’s office her first semester – and I lived 2000 miles away, spending the limited time I had on campus in this way was very frustrating. She is not my tax dependent some years (divorced), so needed the waiver. My kid hand wrote a note to the registrar in the end.

I have not used the access via the registrar, but it is there if my kid has health issues or there are other reasons to access it. But this should not be like pulling teeth. Schools should be required to have a procedure and form for this when requested.

23

If I can’t trust my child, academically, to use good judgment, then I would bring my child home to local college. Most college students are still considered dependents in the eyes of the U.S. government.

As far as health care goes, I am middle aged and I still have a waiver that will allow my mother (my only living parent) access to my health care just in case of an emergency. Likewise, she has granted me access to hers. We also have mutual powers of attorney, both health-wise and financial.

I don’t think it is the schools’ responsibility to provide parent access, but until my child is independent, I do feel that I can require said child to provide access - and suffer any consequences I deem necessary.

24

My D1 (a rising college sophomore) has always been a great student. Although she showed occasional signs of depression in high school, there was nothing definitive and she said she felt fine . Nonetheless, since we have a strong family history I gave her some things to watch for when she went off to college.

First semester she had a 4.0. Second semester she seemed fine whenever she talked with us, although she mentioned one prof who kept cancelling class and that she and her friends were all having difficulties in another class that was outside her usual subject area. We offered suggestions and encouragement, but could do little else since she hadn’t signed FERPA (and we hadn’t pushed for it, since she was attending on tuition remission and scholarships, not on our dime, plus we had no reason to be concerned.)

Turns out, she’d fallen apart, sought counseling, and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder. She felt unable to seek help with her courses, nor did she feel as if she could talk with us. We were dealing with our other daughter’s medical issues and she didn’t want to add to our worry.

The result was a semester low enough that she lost her scholarship (which requires a 3.25 cumulative GPA.)

We have gotten meds and counseling for her this summer, and helped her submit a scholarship appeal. I can’t help but feel, though, as if we failed her.

Would the ability to check her grades have helped? Maybe, but probably not as there isn’t much on the portal until near the end of the semester. Would access to medical records have helped? You bet!

We did try to let her handle as much as possible on her own throughout high school without making her feel as if we weren’t there to help if needed, and I think we did a pretty good job. She says she knew we were there and other resources at school were available but she felt incapable of making herself pursue them. Where mental health is concerned, logic sometimes flies out the window.

While I understand the side of those who advocate for total independence and privacy at age 18, I think societal shifts (more pressure to choose and attend the right school, often moving far away from home) might indicate a need to re-assess and look for a middle ground. I’m just not sure it could be done equitably, since an 18 year old college freshman is in a far different situation than an 18 year old mechanic or young mother.

25

That’s the problem, it has to be equitable or not at all. Parents already HAVE all the control, because parents can pull financial support for insert reason you find personally ridiculous. All a parent has to do to make college nigh impossible at 18 is refuse to furnish their financial information (since you can take the max in federal unsubsidized loans even if your EFC is ridiculous). Couple that with the fact that even though 18 year olds are technically adults, good luck renting an apartment or getting reasonable car insurance rates by yourself! If my parents had kicked me out at 18, I would have been completely homeless (no work experience, no friends) with just the clothes on my back. The way the system is now, parents are able to exercise complete control up to age 18 and then they can dump them at 18 with nothing. It’s a terrifying way to live if that’s what you’re being threatened with.

26

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The way the system is now, parents are able to exercise complete control up to age 18 and then they can dump them at 18 with nothing. It's a terrifying way to live if that's what you're being threatened with.

[/QUOTE]

@PrivateConundrum True (and also addressed in many other threads )but that’s not the situation we’re talking about. The point is that college kids can end up in scholastic or medical trouble whether or not their parents are footing the bill or otherwise controlling their child’s choices, and there is little a parent can do to help if the child doesn’t want them to know.

27

Both of my kids went to a very large research U. I have to say the university didn’t have any problem in speaking/writing to me directly. I have spoken to Housing, student insurance, professors and deans at the school on my kids’ behalf. My kids didn’t sign any release forms.

According to FERPA, if a student is a dependent and parents are paying for the tuition then it is NOT against the law to disclose academic information to the parents. A school may have its own policy (more stringent), but they wouldn’t be violating FERPA to do so. As a matter of matter, my sis (a lawyer) said we actually have the right to the information. On top of that, school can contact parents if they feel the student is in danger (health/mental) or taking unlawful substances. I have provided the link many times on CC, but one can easily google it.

28

My daughter was sent to the hospital and the health center at her university wouldn’t tell me where. I had her sign a release with health services after that. Another daughter had already signed something and when she ran into trouble academically I had no trouble getting an administrator to communicate with me, but myself tried to keep my role to a nudge to connect the administrator and my child.

I would say it is important to realize the relationship does not abruptly drop off between parents and kids just because they are at college. Sorry if I am stating the obvious. Our children can be good at hiding things from us, yes, whether grades or depression. And they can develop new problems, medical or psychiatric or work habits or whatever, when they are away. I think it is important to physically see them as often as it takes to feel comfortable about their well-being and for them to feel comfortable with the newfound autonomy and responsibility.