Freshman year - different expectations for "being independent"

Parents Social Lounge
1

Hi all, this seemed like the appropriate forum to ask this question. It’s mainly about when parents’ and students’ (me) expectations on what “independence” looks like differ. Any opinions are welcome.

I’m a freshman this fall, starting in about a month. Over the summer I’ve become more worried about how my parents are expecting my college situation to play out. First, a couple facts: I’m from the Midwest, heading to the East Coast for school. I’ll be about 20-22 hours away from home by car and 3.5 by plane. I’m paying for school entirely on my own, with no help from either of my parents. They’re divorced, and live separately and have for several years. I lived with one until this summer, then I moved to the other’s house. So, for the last seven years or so, I’ve been fairly independent, especially the last four in high school. I worked throughout HS, and paid for all of my extraneous expenses and sometimes food. I’ve always been responsible for my own grades, job, and transportation, with my parents paying no more attention than necessary.

This summer, in my new house, it’s completely different, and I’m expected to keep this parent updated with my exact whereabouts and company every minute. I understand nights or long periods of time, but this is if I need to run to QT to get gas and finds the receipt in the trash later. It’s been difficult to adjust to, and even though I’m trying, it’s not going well.

I’ve figured out more and more that I really feel more comfortable when I do most things on my own. And, seeing as my parents are not paying for school, that’s what I had planned college would be like - independent. But now my parents are asking for access to my financial records, grades, medical info, power of attorney, and such - and I don’t honestly feel comfortable giving it to them. I had to grant access to the parent portal, and my mom yelled at me for nearly 30 minutes when I tried to take away her access (I didn’t know it would email her).

So, at the risk of sounding like a whining, entitled 18-year-old, I just don’t know how to make this separation work. There are clearly different expectations on both sides. I would sit down and talk, but with at least one parent, that isn’t going to work, and I’ve tried. My plan is to basically be self-sufficient; I have a plan for this year and next summer, and I’ll only be home at winter break for one week. I’m fine with limited contact and I can support myself financially. But suddenly, for some reason, my parents’ expectations have changed. And I’m not sure how to communicate this to them - and I don’t want to get to school, revoke their access to my records, and get angry calls every day. I don’t want to ruin what relationships I do have.

Feel free to call me out if I seem unappreciative or naive. Any and all advice would be helpful, I’ve run out of ideas.

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They are not paying for your school… do you need to fill in any financial aid forms, or are you completely self-funding through merit scholarships, work, and/or federal loans, without any need-based financial aid?

If the latter, then they really do not have any power over you, so they cannot force you to drop out through financial non-cooperation if you revoke their access.

It does seem like they are trying to bully you. Is that really a relationship you want to continue? Realize that they are the ones choosing to poison the relationship.

3

I do need them to fill out financial aid forms, but thankfully after this year it’s just my dad on the FAFSA. Otherwise, I’m completely self-funding, yep, through a combo of merit, need-based grants, federal grants, work, and my own savings.

@ucbalumnus I know that our relationship isn’t ideal, and it’s definitely deteriorated in the last few years, but really… they’re my parents. I want them in my life, just at a distance haha. I’m lucky enough to have them, and I’ve lost enough people in my life to know to be thankful for who I do have, as imperfect as we may be. I just think I want different things for my college experience than my parents, and that may ruin things.

4

Since your father has power over you due to you needing his cooperation on FAFSA, then you need to at least keep him satisfied enough that he continues to cooperate on FAFSA. This can limit your ability to avoid bullying and emotional abuse if he engages in it (or is manipulated by your mother into engaging in). If your have issues with your mother, then realize that she can only bully or emotionally abuse you if you let her after you no longer need her cooperation on any financial aid forms.

5

I would not grant the POA, period. If they pay for your health insurance, they probably need the ability to sort out your medical bills, and you should grant them that. They are going to see the explanation of benefits, too, so will know what care you got.

Regarding grades, tell them that if they want to pay for school, they can see your grades. However – if by paying for school yourself you mean that they are taking out parent plus or are cosigning private loans and you plan to pay them back, then I’d say they have a right to see your finances & grades. Those loans are in their names, and they shouldn’t take out more than is necessary, and have a right to expect satisfactory academic progress so they don’t get stuck holding the bag.

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It will be much easier to stay on good footing with my dad than with my mom.

I’m actually getting my health insurance through my school, so that won’t be a problem. Although - will they be able to see my information even if they aren’t listed anywhere on the plan, just as my parents/ICE?

They aren’t cosigning any loans or taking PLUS loans. I completely agree with you @intparent though, I would understand if they were, that they would completely have the right to see finances and grades. In this case, though, the most that they’re contributing is the gas money to drive up for move-in.

7

They cannot see your medical records if they are not on the plan.

They may just be having an moment because you are leaving and they know they’ve been absent. My best advice as a parent is to not engage… Find somewhere to be these next fee weeks so you are not home much. Things will change a lot with the time distance and the fact you will not be around. They will let it go… Don’t rock the boat and redirect the conversations so trouble does not brew. Are they dropping you off at college in September?

8

They are your parents…and the will always be concerned about you and ask questions.

My kids are 28 and 31. When they visit here, I still,ask them where they are going, and what time they will be home.

It’s not a crisis for them to tell me.

9

Congrats on starting school!
I agree with suzyQ that things will calm down with time and distance.Nobody will be following you around at school.Just keep your head down for now. It’s just a few more weeks. Part of the new demands are just the result of you moving and starting a new life. It’s a transition time and all transitions bring on the nerves.

No need to give them access to your financial information that I can see unless there are forms that they will need to fill out.

No need for medical access unless you are on their insurance and you say they are not. HIPPA regulations at any rate keep your medical records private unless you sign papers to specifically allow access to someone else (of your choosing). If you have a medical condition that perhaps would require the parent to be able to speak to the doctors about your condition, medications etc. then you would need to sign the forms allowing that to happen.

There is a MEDICAL power of attorney (vs just power of attorney) that could be useful for example if you were in a car accident (heaven forbid!) and someone needed to give approval for surgery in an emergency situation. The medical POA would have to state that it is limited to emergency use only.

If they want to know your grades they can ask you.
Don’t know what is on the parent portal but I guess you going back to deny access is like being “unfriended” on facebook. I would have been upset too even if I understood the reasons.

Good luck!

10

I have mixed feelings on this one. You are financially independent so you feel like what you do is your business and your business only. From a parents point of view you will be a long way from home and we have no access to anything regarding you. We will only know what you tell us. What you are really doing is asking your parents to trust your judgement. As a parent being ask to fly in the dark is a hard pill to swallow. As a parent we want to know what is going on with our child. Her being financially stable does not change this fact. I think your going to have to make some compromises during your first year. Your parents will only be able to relax after you have a good first year at college. At the end of the day you being able to pay your own way does not lesson the concerns your parents have for you.

11

Perhaps this may be relevant. OP has moved from the mother’s place to the father’s place (since the father will be the custodial parent for FAFSA purposes in the future). If the divorce was nasty, perhaps the mother’s behavior could be related to the possibility that (from her point of view) it looks like the OP has “switched allegiance” from her to her ex-husband?

12

Grainraiser–I’d have to disagree in this particular case. The OP didn’t say they were cutting the parents out but just uncertain as to why the parents needed more access to OP’s personal life when it didn’t concern them and asked if it was appropriate to limit their access. I say yes–it is appropriate to limit access and one big reason is that the OP is financially independent of the parents The OP appears to be capable and has already been independent for the most part for several years.
“We only know what you tell us”— Hopefully OP will build relationships through trust and some newsy phone calls and not just providing access through a parent portal.

13

I think you’re remarkably mature and have your stuff together. Given the information you’ve given us, I would not let your parents (especially your mother, who is having trouble behaving rationally, for whatever reason), access to your records when they are not contributing to that information financially.

You are an adult, and it really is none of their business anymore unless you choose to share it with them.

I would get to school, revoke the access, and let the angry phone calls go to voicemail. I would continue to talk to them, but if they bring up the access, I would simply say “I’m not going to discuss it”. At some point they’ll respect your boundaries.

If they were paying for any of this, however, (even cosigned loans) my answer would be completely different. But since you are an independent adult, I think the sooner you set boundaries, the happier you will be.

A LOT of parents really don’t do well with their kids setting boundaries on them-they are used to being in charge and in control, and they don’t hand that over willingly or easily. But most of them eventually settle down and respect it.

14
  1. Somebody should have medical power of attorney -- that is, the authority to make medical decisions for you in the event that you are unable to make them for yourself. It does not have to be a parent. It can be another relative or a trusted friend.
  2. You do not have to give them access to your grades.
  3. It is common courtesy to let other members of the household know where you are and when you will be home. "Running out to get some gas -- back in 10 minutes!"
15

I am a slow learner but am still learning because my daughter constantly sets the boundaries and reminds me. It takes effort on her to let me understand.

16

“The OP didn’t say they were cutting the parents out but just uncertain as to why the parents needed more access to OP’s personal life when it didn’t concern them and asked if it was appropriate to limit their access.”

As a parent what access is acceptable. She is 22hrs away from home so what should be deem acceptable. The OP is certainly mature for her age but this will be her first away from home. As a parent I can’t imagine having limited access to my child. I would really have a problem if said child is the one who is determining how much access I should have. I am betting that many parents here have kids who got full rides to schools out of state. Since those parents are not financially obligated do you think their kids should limit their access. For me personally financial independence does not trump my concern. That is something that has to be earned. My son will be a sophomore this year. I followed him closely his freshman year and he did well. Because he did so well last year my concerns are minimum for this year. I would have been a wreck last year if I was in the dark.

17

Which parent is monitoring your movements by going through the trash after the fact? Quit disposing of papers in your parents’ homes. Don’t leave any important papers there when you leave. And try to get a job near school next summer so you can limit your time at home.

18

I didn’t follow my daughter’s first year of school closely, at her request, and there were some very negative consequences. She knows that this year will be different: more frequent communication, access to grades, etc. However, the OP has been doing fine without oversight for some time now, so there’s no reason for him/her to grant it just because the parents have changed their mind about the level of interest they have in their child’s day-to-day well-being.

19

I think you have every right to refuse to give authorization.

I pay fully for my kids’ private colleges, expenses, health insurance, etc. All I ask from them is that they show me their grades at the end of each semester before I pay for the next semester. Not access to the system, just an unofficial transcript or a copy and paste. If I wasn’t paying, I wouldn’t even ask to have that.

I don’t have any medical access. I mentioned to my oldest that it would be a good idea to authorize access for my husband and I but my young adult child didn’t want to. Might not be the wisest decision, but I get it. They are learning to be adults, they want independence and privacy. I can understand it as I probably would have been the same at that age.

My guess is it is sinking in to your parents that you are leaving and separating and this is their way of coping - overreacting by trying to find some control over the situation. Us parents can act irrationally and emotionally. Having our kids grow up and leave can be hard on many levels. I think you should explain rationally and calmly your stand. Reiterate your love and respect and wanting to stay connected but you don’t need to give any authorizations you don’t feel comfortable with.

20

As a parent, if you are under 18 and living in my home, I feel responsible for you. I do want to know who you are with and when to expect you. As a parent if you didn’t show up I would want to be able to say: “She said she was going to visit Sheryl.”

Once you are over 18, and especially once you have started college, I would expect the same I would expect of my spouse…“running out to get gas”.

As far as grades: For my oldest DD i would ask how things are going during the semester. I asked to see her “report card” after first semester as I wouldn’t pay for the next semester otherwise. For my youngest daughter she was used to me having the parent portal during HS and gave me the login for logistics purposes but had no probs if I looked at her grades (but I didn’t very often).

If they are not paying for college, they don’t have to see your grades.