A friend’s son got three D’s in his first term of college. The dean called in the family and announced that, instead of booting the boy out entirely, they would put him on probation for the second semester and expect no grade lower than a C. “Can you tell us how he’s doing in a month or so, while there’s still time to intercede?” the father asked. “Oh, no,” replied the dean, looking surprised and nodding toward the young man fiddling with his iPhone in the corner. “He is not a minor, so you will have to communicate with him directly.”
“But,” moaned the dad, “if I could get him to communicate, I wouldn’t be here in the first place. My son is just 18. When did I become chopped liver?”
This is a true story and one I’ve heard countless times in different forms. Mom and Dad are paying the bills and sometimes even doing the laundry, but the college folks view Junior as an “adult.” Over the years I’ve seen many parents who support this view (“Let them make their own mistakes! How else will they learn?”) as well as others who maintain that a parent who writes the checks should be the one receiving the progress reports. Of even greater concern are the mothers and fathers who are up at night worrying about a far-away child with physical or emotional problems and who claim that colleges expect them to go off of parenting cold-turkey as soon as the final suitcase is unloaded in the freshman dorm room. Yet most of us know that teenagers mature at different rates and that some are likely to keep their families in the loop far more than others will.
Yes, we’ve all heard the tales of helicopter parents who telephone professors to complain about a child’s grades or the difficulty of a test, and I even knew one dean who had to insist that he could not move an angry couple’s daughter to the other end of the hallway so that her plants could get more light.
But are there parents out there who feel that a child’s college has been unreasonable when it comes to providing information about academics, health, or safety? Does there need to be a broader middle road that allows students to transition from family life to independence without requiring a leap that some can’t handle and which leaves many parents feeling like chopped liver?
…there’s a pretty simple solution to this, isn’t there? If the kid refuses to communicate, don’t pay for the next semester. The other side of the son being 18 is that the parents have no obligation to support him in any way whatsoever. How is a college being unreasonable for following the law?
I think it can be more complicated when there are health and safety issues involved. One mother who wrote to me, for instance, was worried that her daughter was going to do something to hurt herself. The daughter did communicate with the mother and said she was okay, but she wasn’t convincing. The mother tried to contact various college officials to see if there was someone who could reassure her that the daughter was stable and seeking counseling, but the mother was told that no information could be conveyed to her by anyone at the college except the daughter.
The daughter had told the mother that she was seeing a counselor but the mother had reason to believe that she went once and then didn’t return. The college health center told the mother that they could not disclose whether the daughter had sought treatment. I can see the college’s point but, if I were the mother I’d be going nuts. That’s why I asked about middle ground.
I’m not sure that its the college’s responsibility to provide a middle road to solve a problem that is completely the student’s. You could similarly pose that to successfully transition “from family life to independence” an employer should call the parents to let them know that their (adult) child is always late to work and about to get fired.
Broadly, paying a child’s tuition is a gift given to them. When you give someone a gift you give up the ability to dictate what is done with it. As @PrivateConundrum said, the solution to someone misusing your gift is to not give it the next time.
I just have to say I agree with the previous posters. It’s just that simple, especially when the parents are footing the bill.
If the child isn’t communicating, isn’t doing well in the previous semester, isn’t holding up to whatever standards the parents think is fair, including having the student sign the privacy release if that is something they feel is needed , then don’t provide the financing. An employer has expectations for an employee in order for the employee to receive a salary. I don’t see why parents can have a few reasonable expectations for their child, which may vary depending on the child’s history and demeanor.
Also…with regard to grades. I never had my kids sign a release to talk to their instructors. BUT we did have an understanding. Kids had to maintain a 3.0 GPA to continue at their colleges. This was what was required to keep their scholarships…and if they lost those, we were not going to make up the difference. Both went to exoensive orivate universities…and they knives UP FRONT that they would not be allowed to return to those schools if they didn’t make the grade.
No conversation with a dean or anything else. And we were serious about this.
You are only chopped liver if you allow yourself to be chopped liver.
We pay our sons tuition. Last year I paid second semester tuition the same as first semester. Turns out the second semester was approximately $1500 cheaper due to a change in major. We paid electronically, however, the university refused to refund the money to our account even though that’s where they had received it from. They would only issue a paper check to my son. Ridiculous as he had nothing to do with any of the payments.
My son did return the money to us as he knows it will go to future tuition, but I think these laws are crazy. I believe everything should be private if the student is paying for themselves but I believe parents who pay tuition should have some recourse.
"A friend’s son got three D’s in his first term of college. The dean called in the family and announced that, instead of booting the boy out entirely, they would put him on probation for the second semester and expect no grade lower than a C. “Can you tell us how he’s doing in a month or so, while there’s still time to intercede?” the father asked. “Oh, no,” replied the dean, looking surprised and nodding toward the young man fiddling with his iPhone in the corner. “He is not a minor, so you will have to communicate with him directly.”
“But,” moaned the dad, “if I could get him to communicate, I wouldn’t be here in the first place. My son is just 18. When did I become chopped liver?”"
Did this ^ actually happen? Because I can’t seen a dean calling in a family to have a sit down. Student, yes. Family, no.
@thumper1 -As the story was relayed to me, the student was “invited” to speak with the dean and was allowed to bring his parents who lived nearby. This was an unsophisticated kid who chose to have his parents present, but I don’t know who first proposed the idea of including the family … the kid or the dean. I heard the saga from the angry father who thought that it was unacceptable that he was able to attend that initial meeting but was then promptly cut out of any follow-up.
While I do agree with parents who tell their students that they won’t continue to pay when grades are sub-par, I also think that some kids … especially immature freshmen … can use a little nudging during their first semester or two. Some go from being constantly under their parents’ watchful eye, bringing home progress reports from high school that must be signed and returned, to being totally on their own at college.
It strikes me as inconsistent that a student must be age 24 to qualify as “independent” for financial aid purposes and yet, at 18, is considered independent when a parent feels it’s necessary to get involved in academic or health issues.
If I thought my kid was immature as a student I’d perhaps include stipulations that they seek out and utilize on campus resources and seek out colleges that were good about offering those types of services.
I think the scenario described here is also a useful warning for parents who are too hands on during the HS years. Parents need to ease off the involvement over the years between middle school and senior year in high school. No checking up on homework, no involvement in paper writing, etc. Time management and study skills lessons can be learned in middle school and 9th grade when the consequences are smaller.
When my child was in HS, we had a parent portal. I would periodically look at her grades. Mostly i let her study however she wanted, but if the grades were not where they should be, I would get involved.
My child had a grading portal in college, but she shared her password with me and I would look even less occasionally but make sure to ask to see the final grades.
With this child, I would tell him that he needs to let his parents have access to the online college/grade system…if he didn’t want parents involved, he should have done well enough they don’t have to.
I have also seen kids crash like this because they had undiagnosed Executive Functioning Disorder (or Aspergers) so make sure there isn’t a learning disability.
I would also tell them:
0) GO TO CLASS, BUY THE BOOK, READ THE CHAPTERS, AND DO THE HOMEWORK!
Go to Professor’s office hours and Ask this question: “I know this is a really difficult class-- what are some of the common mistakes students make and how can I avoid them?”
If you have problems with the homework, go to Prof’s office hours. If they have any “help sessions” or “study sessions” or “recitations” or any thing extra, go to them.
Form a study group with other kids in your dorm/class.
Don’t do the minimum…for STEM classes do extra problems. You can buy books that just have problems for calculus or physics or whatever. Watch videos on line about the topic you are studying.
Go to the writing center if you need help with papers/math center for math problems (if they have them)
If things still are not going well, get a tutor.
Read this book: How to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less by Cal Newport. It helps you with things like time management and how to figure out what to write about for a paper, etc.
If you feel you need to withdraw from a class, talk to your advisor as to which one might be the best …you may do better when you have less classes to focus on. But some classes may be pre-reqs and will mess your sequence of classes up.
For your tests, can you evaluate what went wrong? Did you never read that topic? Did you not do the homework for it? Do you kind of remember it but forgot what to do? Then next time change the way you study…there may be a study skill center at your college.
How much time outside of class do you spend studying/doing homework? It is generally expected that for each hour in class, you spend 2-3 outside doing homework. Treat this like a full time job.
At first, don’t spend too much time other things rather than school work. (sports, partying, rushing fraternities/sororities, video gaming etc etc)
If you run into any social/health/family troubles (you are sick, your parents are sick, someone died, broke up with boy/girlfriend, suddenly depressed/anxiety etcetc) then immediately go to the counseling center and talk to them. Talk to the dean of students about coordinating your classes…e.g. sometimes you can take a medical withdrawal. Or you could withdraw from a particular class to free up tim for the others.Sometimes you can take an incomplete if you are doing well and mostly finished the semester and suddenly get pneumonia/in a car accident (happened to me)…you can heal and take the final first thing the next semester. But talk to your adviser about that too.
At the beginning of the semester, read the syllabus for each class. It tells you what you will be doing and when tests/HW/papers are due. Put all of that in your calendar. The professor may remind you of things, but it is all there for you to see so take initiative and look at it.
Make sure you understand how to use your online class system…Login to it, read what there is for your classes, know how to upload assignments (if that is what the prof wants).
If you get an assignment…make sure to read the instructions and do all the tasks on the assignment. Look at the rubric and make sure you have covered everything.
If you are not sure what to do, go EARLY to the professors office hours…not the day before the assignment is due.
You might think that this is all completely obvious, but I have read many stories on this and other websites where people did not do the above and then are asking for help on academic appeal letters.
Three D’s? I think a student with three D’s needs a little more than a nudge.
Any parent can set THEIR expectations for college. In our family, we were paying for courses that would apply towards a degree. A D grade does not, in most cases…so those courses would need to be retaken.
We made it very clear that we were not paying for grades that would not be able to be applied to the graduation requirements, so…any D or F was considered in this.
We also fully expected our students to be honest with us about college and how they were doing. Sounds like this father got whacked in the side of the head with these grades…didn’t see it coming.
Sorry…but that would not have instilled a bit of confidence in us and our kid…at all.
It’s really hard to pull the GPA up from below a 2.0 Something in one semester. Really hard. With three D grades, this student probably had well less than a 2.0 GPA…well less.
Even with an A in one remaining course…the GPA would have been closer to 1.0 than 2.0.
Sorry,but that indicates more than needing a little hand holding, in my opinion.
Post 12 is excellent…and this conversation should happen before the first day of classes freshman year.
@doschicos Yep, if the dean can call the family after three D’s, he can family earlier in the semester as well. Either the FERPA is signed to talk to family about grades or it’s not.
If you don’t like the privacy laws, contact your senator/representative. The school is obeying the law. Unless the kid consents, parents are not entitled to the information.
IMO it is up to each parents and student to have a mature talk and agree up front about these issues. We were clear about what we expected to be told (ex. final grades, if any class was becoming a problem etc.) and both kids agreed that we were being reasonable, especially given that we were paying the bill. After these conversations, we did not feel the need to ask them to sign waivers – fortunately they are/were both serious students it was not a problem.
If it’s truly that bad then the father has options. He can insist that son meet and review grades with the father periodically. Or he can insist on getting access to the son’s student portal so he can log in and see the grades directly. Both of those are called parenting and will provide a valuable lesson to the son on consequences and accountability.
Complaining that the school isn’t willing to share the son’s grades while doing nothing else is called pushing the parenting on someone else and teaches the son that the parents are ineffective and unable to affect the son’s behavior.
My D’s private university (she just graduated) changed their grade portal a few years back to have a parent option. The student had to agree to the parents having access & could rescind it at any time. My D gave me access with no complaints but many parents told their kids if you want us to pay for next semester you give us access. This was virtual useless as grades were rarely updated though.
Perhaps public schools need to be more hands off on teens. And parents needs to start letting their teens do more. My S17 is pushing me away and I consider it healthy. I send him to camp for a month & he packs for himself. He has learned to drive & I let him take the car. He gets himself up in the AM. At some point kids need to learn to grow up & yes it needs to be gradual but that should start in H.S.
As to mental health issues… This IS a problem with anyone over age not just 18 year olds. Frustratingly some issues tend to crop up right at this age. This really is outside the university. It’s not their responsibility to tell parents if kids are having health or emotional problems.