<p>“As long as she does not get demoralized by the change and maintains her strong work ethic at the local school, I believe the end result in terms of “good” college acceptances will be the same. And I will save a lot of money and be able to enjoy her company for two more years at home with us.”</p>
<p>How can she possibly NOT get demoralized by a change that will wreak havoc on every aspect of her life?</p>
<p>I would not expect her to maintain a strong work ethic while dealing with the ramifications of your choice.</p>
<p>The child you bring home will not be the same child she is now. </p>
<p>The college choices may be the same. The family will never be the same.</p>
<p>I want to raise one point that I, as a semi-traditional Asian parent (and the son of even more traditional/old school Asian parents) am sensitive to.</p>
<p>IMO, a more traditional Asian parent may not care as much as American parents about hurting a child’s feelings or making decisions that the child may not agree with/like.</p>
<p>I am putting this out there at the risk of taking flak, but I believe this to be true in many cases. Note that I am NOT writing this to shame the OP. What I’m saying is that I get it (sort of*).</p>
<p>I know many adult kids of traditional Asian parents and we now laugh about some of the draconian behaviors/actions/decisions of our parents.</p>
<p>*Note that I have never believed in the carrot of HYPMS as a valid reason for sending one (and perhaps 2) kids to BS…and have even counseled against it (and gotten beaten up on the forum) in the past.</p>
<p>Forgot to add this related point: That kids of traditional Asian parents can be more “deferential” than American kids. Meaning that we are less prone to lashing out at our parents when they make decisions/take actions we don’t agree with or say hurtful things.</p>
<p>That is NOT to say that we don’t resent these decisions. Nor that we necessarily get over them. But that we A) may be used to this sort of thing, and B) we tend to internalize them.</p>
<p>Again, sharing as adult son of fairly traditional Asian parents.</p>
<p>I hear you 7dad. But the one “hidden gem” I took from the Amy Chua’s Tiger Mom book is that that style of parenting works…sometimes. Her younger daughter and her father are both examples she gives of intelligent, hard-working Asian children who do NOT forgive or defer to their parents. The thing I liked about that book that no one ever gives her credit for is that she backed off from her “my way or the highway” approach because it became clear to her that she was in danger of permanently alienating her daughter–just as her father was permanently alienated from his parents. The “hysteria” of OP’s daughter suggests to me that she may be in that camp.</p>
<p>@classical: FWIW, I am on the side of “let her finish her high school education there”. </p>
<p>I just thought I’d share that there are cultures where this sort of thing isn’t considered as scandalous/“out there” as it might to others. </p>
<p>And of course it doesn’t work for everyone. I need only think of the numerous examples of Asian kids with overly controlling parents who have hurt themselves (or their parents) in their attempt to cope with the stress/pressure/disappointment.</p>
<p>I am new to CC and I want to tread lightly – but WOW this post really got me going.
When we began looking at schools with our child, someone with a wealth of experience in the BS world that we trusted explicitly told us “If you visit a school and you as parents, don’t like it then don’t even let your child apply.” The logic being why have your child get an acceptance from a school that you then have to tell them you won’t send them to. That made a lot of sense to me.</p>
<p>Seems to me this is a related topic. You obviously liked the school well enough to let your child apply, and then when they were accepted you sent them. And from the sounds of things your child has embraced the experience. You’ve been paying for it since they enrolled, knowing all along that there are no guarantees that any kid from any school will get into one of the “Holy Grail” colleges that so many parents seem to think is the only definition of success relative to their children.</p>
<p>If you never want your child to trust you again, and if you want to send the message that at 15 or 16 years of age they are a huge disappointment to you, and that grades are the only thing that matters in life then pull them out. But be prepared to live with the irreparable harm you have done to your child.</p>
<p>People who have seen some of my previous posts will say I am a broken record, but this is yet another example of a BS parent sending their kid to BS for all of the wrong reasons and with all the wrong expectations.</p>
<p>I don’t have a kid who is looking at the so-called “Top Tier” boarding schools. Finding CC has really been great and so many people have been so very helpful. But quite frankly it gets tiresome to keep reading about the “woe-is-me” person whose kid only scored 90% on the SSAT and is freaking out about not getting into HADES. Or the posts that ask about applying to “safety” schools that kids like mine are trying their hardest to get into (and that by the way provide world class educations and life experiences).</p>
<p>The choice is mine to keep reading, I know. If I don’t like it I can stop. But I am really hoping it doesn’t come to that.</p>
<p>7dad: I know you’re on the side of having her stay, and I think that your cultural insight was well worth sharing as it explains the OP’s initial impulse well. I hope I didn’t come off as disrespectful of that initial impulse; I was trying to point out what I honestly think will happen if he follows through.</p>
<p>Lots of good advise here. Let me just say, however,that if your concern is really getting your d into a good college in the US, pulling her out will most probably hurt her chances. I do admissions interviews for one of the HYPSM schools, and have for years. Any good school (not just those), will want to know why she left her BS, and she will have to explain again and again-- even if she DOES do well once she returns home (and she may not-- as people have written here, her confidence may be undermined, she may feel rebellious, etc.). Elite American schools KNOW boarding schools very well, and understand their grading systems and what those grades mean. Even HYPSM don’t expect the same grades from the kids at these schools that they would from kids at other high schools. You should at least (as others have mentioned), talk to the college counselors at her current school and ask them which colleges have accepted students from her school with a profile similar to hers. My bet is, you’ll see a lot of excellent colleges on that list. I think all the others points people have made here are also true-- that she may resent you, that she may feel like a failure, that it sounds like she is working hard and getting a lot out of her current school, that graduating from an elite BS will give her prestige, if that’s what concerns you, and certainly give her a good network. But really, I’m telling you, pulling her out will also hurt her chances to attend an elite college in the US, even if it’s not HYPSM. Talk to the college admissions people.</p>
The daughter shouldn’t feel so entitled to what she has. I mean, I get that she’s maybe 15 or 16 years old, and resentment builds up quick at that age. But she’s studying at an intense boarding school, away from her parents, at her age. It sounds like something to be grateful for, not something to expect.</p>
<p>If, hypothetically, OP does pull her daughter out, then the daughter should just be told that it’s gotten too expensive, plain and simple. With no mention of her grades or anything else. Limits to money is a part of life, and she should (or should learn to) understand that. You can’t make money pop out of thin air.</p>
<p>All that being said, wouldn’t mostly B’s and some A’s at a high caliber prep school make most students highly eligible for HYPSM and other ivy caliber schools? This is a genuine question, I’m no expert on prep schools.
Another thing not mentioned here are her ECs. Those would also make a huge difference.</p>
<p>^^ Am I missing something? Where do get that the daughter feels “so entitled?” I read it that she feels grateful, happily involved, properly challenged, gaining skills and friends. She sounds like a great kid who is working hard and making a life for herself only to find that it’s STILL not good enough for Mom. </p>
<p>There is a reason so many experienced parents are reacting the same way: we know a potential train wreck when we see one. I feel genuinely feel bad for this child.</p>
<p>It is my sincere hope that you pick up the phone and call your daughters college counselor before you have one more conversation with your daughter on this topic. </p>
<p>“The plan was to use her strong academic performance at a top boarding school as a ‘hook’ to gain admission to a HYPSM” was misguided. A boarding school with a selective admission process means these schools are filled with top academic performers. Gaining admission to these colleges should NEVER be a goal in itself. That type of thinking fails to recognize the match that these schools may/may not have with your daughter’s long term interests/goals, and the role that demographics, community building, and finances play in the admissions selection process.</p>
<p>When my daughter, a graduate of a “top” boarding school, and I were touring colleges, I asked a pre-med adviser about the schools success at getting students into medical schools. She turned to me with a look that stunned me and said, “we do not get students into medical school.” I gave her a brief bewildered look. Then she said, “our students get themselves into medical school!” That brief encounter, coupled with my daughters college admission results, taught me an important lesson: it’s up to our sons and daughters to select schools which best match their needs and interests and to do what they can to make it happen. By your own admission, your daughter is doing just that. She has made it clear she is happy in her school community, she’s engaged in a rigorous program that challenges her with room for intellectual growth (which may not happen her local school), and she has a strong work ethic. Our role with regard to education is to support their effort and be honest with our willingness and ability to pay for their education.</p>
<p>Why would someone choose and pay any college if it’s is not matched with their interests??</p>
<p>Please, please talk with the college counseling office at your daughter’s school before making any decision. You have a lot to learn about the college selection and admissions process. As I see it, moving your daughter now may be in your financial interest, but that may not be in her academic and emotional best interest.</p>
<p>I would make the final decision as soon as possible and not let this drag on- for obvious reasons. If you decide she can stay, I don’t think you’ll ever regret it.</p>
<p>Of course I agree with all the sane voices here, but I’d just add the INsane voice that OP seems to be expressing a genuine sense of loss and longing at having DC on the other side of the world during her formative years. That is something I can relate to, and my DC is only 500 miles away. While the initial intent of BS for Ivy or Bust reasoning may have been flawed, let’s not bash a parent for missing their child. I hear everything else everyone has written, but I hear that loud and clear from OP, as well.</p>
I’m not saying that the daughter feels “entitled” (although reacting in hysterics does seem to start point in that direction a weee bit). I’m saying that if the daughter wouldn’t “forgive her mother” for taking her out of an extremely expensive school which she should really feel privileged to be in (rather than feeling it’s her right to stay), then that would point towards entitlement.</p>
<p>Stressedoutt asked: “All that being said, wouldn’t mostly B’s and some A’s at a high caliber prep school make most students highly eligible for HYPSM and other ivy caliber schools? This is a genuine question, I’m no expert on prep schools.” </p>
<p>My answer would be, no. Most kids at the top boarding schools with mostly Bs will not get into the Ivies without a hook of some kind. And I do know of students who have left boarding school and done just fine getting into great colleges, including Ivies. It’s really not that big of a deal in college admissions.</p>
<p>However, I think the OP should let her daughter stay. Her daughter is obviously happy and doing just fine both academically and socially. To me, that is worth the sacrifice of the $100,000 as well as the personal sacrifice of having less time with your child. There are so many stressed out and unhappy teenagers, to have a happy one is truly a blessing. The OP’s daughter is sure to get into a really good school, but it most likely will not be an Ivy - although there is no harm in trying and it does happen sometimes! I would also say that the OP’s daughter has wonderful chances of getting into really great colleges that will provide a much BETTER undergraduate experience than the Ivies. There are wonderful LACs out there which I firmly believe provide the best education with small classes and research opportunities. Your daughter’s boarding school will prepare her to do very well in college, thereby making an Ivy quite doable for graduate school. IMHO, LAC for undergrad and Ivy for graduate degree is a great way to go.</p>
<p>I don’t know if this has already been mentioned, but Freshman and Sophomore years, if a student does well can help, but are seen by many IVIES as only a prelude of what is to come. Some top notch non-ivies, UCLA for instance are known for looking at only junior year and senior year first term. In other words, very few schools look at Freshman year at all, recognizing it is a transition year with kids coming from varied backgrounds with varied amounts of preparation. The year to focus on is Junior year. If the student learns what s/he needs to in the first two years to pull off stellar grades and SAT scores Junior year, then you have a very good chance for HYPMS and Ivies.</p>
<p>I think the kid should feel “entitled” to stay, absent some drastic change in the family’s financial situation. No kid goes to boarding school as a 9th grader assuming that they’re only going for a year or two. The idea is that they’re going for 4 years, unless something about it doesn’t work out. She should also feel privileged to be there, but that’s not inconsistent with feeling entitled to stay when she’s happy and succeeding by all possible measures (other than the arbitrary one established by her parents).</p>