<p>College essay about teaching myself how to swim= good? or bad? not monumental enough?</p>
<p>The prompt is for University of Pennsylvania: </p>
<p>"First experiences can be defining. Cite a first experience that you have had and explain its impact on you."</p>
<p>My title would be "My first real plunge" and the essay would be about the first time I dove off of a diving board into a 12 foot pool and swam, which happened just a few weeks ago. Is this a dumb topic?</p>
<p>If it's something that you've wanted to do for a long time.</p>
<p>Oh it has. But it's not too... uh... mundane a topic to write on?</p>
<p>you should turn it into an exciting essay. even a story on how you learn to ride a bike can be interesting. all depends on how you write it.</p>
<p>Ok, I'll post it here when I'm done. Maybe some people want to read it and give me feedback, then help me cut it down to around 475 words (it's already at the 650 mark, and I'm not even done yet), and do some other editing. That'd be really nice.</p>
<p>Do I have any volunteers to read it when I'm done and post it? I should be finished my first draft in about 2-3 hours. I worked on it all last night.</p>
<p>how does it look so far?</p>
<pre><code> "In elementary school and much of junior high school, I was always the
</code></pre>
<p>kid who had to wade in the shallow end of the swimming pool every Tuesday </p>
<p>morning, when my summer camp would take us swimming at the local YWCA </p>
<p>or neighborhood playground swimming pool. I was always the one whose </p>
<p>swimming skills were so weak that I was unable to pass the basic swimming </p>
<p>proficiency test and was therefore not allowed to venture past the blue and </p>
<p>white rope with the buoy jutting out from the surface of the water, into the </p>
<p>deep end of the pool, where my legs were far too short to touch the bottom </p>
<p>of the pool. This was the side of the pool where 12-feet was the standard </p>
<p>and the key to my survival in the water was completely dependent on the </p>
<p>strength of my leg muscles. Despite my self-determination, I always found </p>
<p>myself unable to pass the basic proficiency test to gain access to the deeper </p>
<p>side of the pool, and at times I felt tortured because all of my friends were </p>
<p>perfectly able swimmers who could easily complete the given task: Simply </p>
<p>propel yourself from one side of the pool to the other. Oh, and dont drown </p>
<p>while doing it.</p>
<pre><code> On paper, the concept seemed simple. All I had to do was swim the
</code></pre>
<p>length of the pool and back. And for my friends, the execution was effortless; </p>
<p>they completed their examinations in less than thirty seconds. But for me, the </p>
<p>task proved much more difficult. In fact, I found it impossibility.</p>
<pre><code> I can remember how every Tuesday morning would come and I would
</code></pre>
<p>give myself one of those nearly tear-jerking You can do it if you put your </p>
<p>mind to it kind of inspiring pep talks found in classic sports movies such as </p>
<p>Coach Carter or Air Bud. Every Tuesday morning, when I would suit up to </p>
<p>swim with the rest of my friends in the Pleasant Playground swimming pool, I </p>
<p>would get quiet for a few seconds and tell myself that this time things would </p>
<p>be different, that I would somehow find the self-determination in myself to </p>
<p>pass the test. And of course, things never were nor ever would be different </p>
<p>for me. Or so I thought.</p>
<pre><code>But I remember the day that I took my first real plunge into the deep
</code></pre>
<p>end of the pool, the part where the floor curves downwards ever-so-slightly </p>
<p>and an inexperienced swimmer can lose their cool and their life as the result </p>
<p>of a panic attack from not being in water shallow enough to feel the floor of </p>
<p>the pool under their feet. The twelve-foot region where even self-proclaimed </p>
<p>intermediate swimmers have trouble swimming to the bottom of the pool and </p>
<p>back up to the surface, all in one breath. Im referring the end of the diving </p>
<p>board, where the water is so deep that it seems nearly impossible to injure </p>
<p>yourself performing a cannonball dive into the chlorine-laden water.</p>
<pre><code>I took my first real plunge just a few weeks ago in late August, during
</code></pre>
<p>my schools annual Choir Camp trip to a quiet farm/ music camp in quaint </p>
<p>Elmer, New Jersey. The yearly Choir Camp in Elmer is fun because it serves as </p>
<p>a bonding experience for the students involved and doubles as the first </p>
<p>opportunity for the Choir to rehearse as a group the music to be sung during </p>
<p>the school year. But in addition to reuniting with old friends and rediscovering </p>
<p>my singing voice after a few weeks of disuse, I look forward to Choir Camp as </p>
<p>a chance to hop into the pool and cool of during a hot August day. The first </p>
<p>opportunity I can swim in the pool during a break from singing, I though to </p>
<p>myself during the bus ride to Elmer, Im going to practice my swimming skills, </p>
<p>and make it my business to swim in the deep water for the first time.</p>
<pre><code>And it was with this mindset that I approached Choir Camp this
</code></pre>
<p>August."</p>
<p>I didn't read it, but it sounds like a fine idea.</p>
<p>(I don't read beyond what's required)</p>
<p>please read it..</p>
<p>BUMP please ...</p>
<p>write about how you went to africa to volunteer at a clinic for three months, and how you helped to save countless lives from disese and famine oh wait that was me not you hahahahahahahahaahahaha</p>
<p>*just kidding just make your essay creative and exciting so the reader will remember you.</p>
<p>i'm very sorry, but somehow i didn't get what you were trying to puit forward. you said your title was "my first real plunge" and that Upenn wanted you to describe your first defining experience. to be honest with you, your essay only tells about how you CANNOT swim teh deep end. The story about the plunge you took was only about 2 sentences.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I took my first real plunge just a few weeks ago ... The yearly Choir Camp in Elmer is fun because it serves as a bonding experience for the students involved and doubles as the first opportunity for the Choir to rehearse as a group the music to be sung during the school year. But in addition to reuniting with old friends and rediscovering my singing voice after a few weeks of disuse, I look forward to Choir Camp as a chance to hop into the pool and cool of during a hot August day. The first opportunity I can swim in the pool during a break from singing, I though to myself during the bus ride to Elmer, Im going to practice my swimming skills, and make it my business to swim in the deep water for the first time. And it was with this mindset that I approached Choir Camp this August."
[/quote]
Here you digressed from the topic. You are talking about why you want to go to Choir Camp. What happened to the 'real plunge'? What happened to "I can't swim"?
[quote]
"In elementary school and much of junior high school, I was always the </p>
<p>kid who had to wade in the shallow end of the swimming pool every Tuesday </p>
<p>morning, when my summer camp would take us swimming at the local YWCA </p>
<p>or neighborhood playground swimming pool. I was always the one whose </p>
<p>swimming skills were so weak that I was unable to pass the basic swimming </p>
<p>proficiency test and was therefore not allowed to venture past the blue and </p>
<p>white rope with the buoy jutting out from the surface of the water, into the </p>
<p>deep end of the pool, where my legs were far too short to touch the bottom </p>
<p>of the pool. This was the side of the pool where 12-feet was the standard </p>
<p>and the key to my survival in the water was completely dependent on the </p>
<p>strength of my leg muscles. Despite my self-determination, I always found </p>
<p>myself unable to pass the basic proficiency test to gain access to the deeper </p>
<p>side of the pool, and at times I felt tortured because all of my friends were </p>
<p>perfectly able swimmers who could easily complete the given task: Simply </p>
<p>propel yourself from one side of the pool to the other. Oh, and dont drown </p>
<p>while doing it.
[/quote]
this one is too long. you are only telling about one thing : you can't swim the deep end. perhaps you could shorten this paragraph and make way for the 'real plunge' experience. </p>
<p>sorry if i'm too critical. but i'm sure you can refine it more thoroughly. :)</p>
<p>Honestly, go to an english teacher or guidance counselor or someone whose writing you admire and have them help you. Though I like your idea, it's one that you really have to present well to make it work. It doesn't really right now.</p>