Last Practice Essay before Mar. 10th...Yikes!

<p>This is the last practice essay I plan to write this week. The prompt is from the second Blue Book practice test:</p>

<p>"Technology promoises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rush ed. We have adaopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, wh ether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<p>-Adapted from Karen Finucan, "Life in the Fast Lane"</p>

<p>Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?"</p>

<hr>

<p>My response:</p>

<p>Technological advances that can make our lives easier do not necessarily make our lives better. This thesis is exemplified by the Industrial Revolution era of the early 1800s, as well as by the more current advances in communication via the Internet.</p>

<p>During the 1800s, Great Britain experienced a time of rapid technological and social change that was embodied by the Industrial Revolution. The enlightened patterns of thinking of the previous century had brought new inventions to the country, promising to improve the lives of its citizens. The Newcomen steam engine, as well as the cotton mills of the northern England cities, led many Englishmen to believe that the urban poor and the rural subsistence farmers would soon be employed and content with their lives. </p>

<p>Instead, the Industrial Revolution brought upon the English working class an extended period of suffering. Although many men and women who had previously been unemployed were ushered into new jobs in the factories and mills, their lives were no easier than they had been. Fourteen-hour work days threatened to utterly exhaust new workers and their families. The dank and unsanitary conditions present in the mills wer psycologically (sic) oppressive, shutting the employed away from the outside. In addition, children as young as six years of age were requested to perform the menial and often dangerous labors of factory work. Up until the Reform Bills of the 1830s, British working class life had in fact deteriotated, not improved.</p>

<p>In the present, we have further evidence that new technology may not guarantee improved living for all. Indeed, for example, while the Internet has helped people around the world connect with each other, it has also proved to be a breeding ground for perpetrators in identity theft and sex crime. To date, hundreds of thousands of Internet users have had their personal information stripped from them by lurking con artists and "web" burglars. Too often we hear of the unsuspecting teenager lured to his or her fate by someone who appears to be friendly and charming online, but whose non-Myspace identity holds a more devious intent in the real world. In these respects, the internet has not proved to be especially beneficial to the individual human being.</p>

<p>Although technology has led to significant changes in the way human beings live, the fact has not necessarily entitled us to better lives. In fact, we should be cautious, as in the cases of the Ind. Rev. and the Internet, about what the future of tech. brings.</p>

<hr>

<p>Thanks for your input! (Incidentally, "psycological" is the only word I spelled incorrectly on paper; if there are any other misspelled words in the above text, they would have been the results of fast typing, not poor orthography!)</p>

<p>bump......</p>

<p>Please, everyone, assail me with comments!</p>

<p>If I were grading I would give it a 5, but I am somewhat unfamiliar with the essay's grading.</p>

<p>First of all, please note that the CC grading will be tougher than the real one. </p>

<p>Now, for your score, I'm giving you 9/12. Here are some feedbacks:</p>

<ul>
<li>Good example although you could've replaced second paragraphs about Industrial Revolution with another reason</li>
<li>Internet use, although it's a good example, is somewhat weak. High SAT essays show "insightfulness" and well, problems with internet use is fairly well known with people these days.</li>
<li>Better vocabulary; Your vocabulary can definitely be improved; I'm not saying that it is horrible ----- it is decent but high scores usually have better ones. It's easier said than done but try it.</li>
<li>Introduction needs a "hook"</li>
</ul>

<p>Thanks for your comments, guys/gals! Anyone else?</p>

<p>It's so solid and clear, it's gotta be a 10, but the good word choice throughout would justify 11 by me. </p>

<p>I've read grayfalcon's comments and am thinking what to say about that. Not sure I want to send this writer into the world of fancy replacement words, at least not days before the exam! Maybe as a future goal...but I'm inclined to identify and strengthen what's already good on this day, so close to the exam. </p>

<p>Lobgent, in this essay I saw you using accurate, appropriate vocab that "nails" the idea. In French, it's called "le mot juste" or the exact right word. That's different than fancy SAT words, but it gives the essay an all-around honesty and credibility that I prefer to misused fancy-shmancy words. Example of what's well-chosen, if not stratospheric vocab: "ushered into new jobs", "utterly exhaust" and "rural subsistence farmers" paint a vivid picture and tell me exactly what I need to know. Even when you wrote, "would soon be employed and content with their lives" I liked it, because those are 2 different thoughts "employed" and "content" and the second one added a new idea. It's not the same to be employed as to be content. So you didn't waste my time by saying twice that they were "happy and content" nor did you tell me they were "employed in their jobs." And of course choosing "content" is better than writing "happy" when speaking about jobs. They're just...jobs. So that's what is meant by choosing "le mot juste" and good writers do just that. I'd rather read someone is "content" with a job than "celebratory." Even though celebratory is a bigger-sounding word, it's off-the-mark to describe a job.</p>

<p>So you kept my attention as I read and you didn't let me down with b.s. </p>

<p>True, there's nothing astonishing, new or insightful about what's said about the Inernet , but it is clearly stated, clear as a bell iin fact. </p>

<p>So that's why I'm landing at 10, and could justify an 11 if I had read yours after piles of other peoples' bs. </p>

<p>But, agreeing with grayfalcon, it's not exactly brilliant either, so no 12sies.</p>

<p>Wondering, however, if we're all just getting a little jaded here reading so many essays that we're starting to hold each other to a higher standard than what scoreres would see from across the country? If so, then this could even be refreshing enough to get a 12...but I might be stretching here. Just don't know. Losing perspective as the time draws near. You CC folks are working harder than a lot of kids who'll be writing on Saturday. </p>

<p>So, 10 definitely. 11 is justifiable. 12 by grace-of-God.</p>