Hello. I’ve been lurking on these forums lately and finally decided to make a post. Basically I’m a freshman at a top 40 university that I’ve wanted to go to for years. I value a great education because I think it will benefit me in the future. Everything is great about the university except for the fact that I’m really lonely and have no friends here. I’m constantly miserable and I’m losing motivation to do anything. It’s my second week here. During orientation, I made a few
‘sorta friends’ but I haven’t seen them around. There was this first year retreat thing that some people did (most didn’t) that I didn’t do (thought it was really dumb at first). I thought I’d just meet people in my residence hall since that’s usually how it works right? Except my residence hall was full of ‘bros’ so I didn’t meet many people there and I moved to a more ‘academic’ hall just now (didn’t realize the old hall was gonna be that bad before I moved in, feel like it’s quite late to meet people in the new hall now). I did join a few clubs and go to class but so far only acquaintances.
Everyone just seems so happy around me and everyone is socializing with the people they met during orientation/their hall and just meeting so many other people through the people they already know. I always feel kinda sad looking at them. I’m pretty sociable and I know how to talk to people. It’s just that I feel I got unlucky in my situation. I feel that it will be this way for the whole month, and then semester, and then year. This is something I don’t want.
In high school I worked really hard because I wanted to go to a good college, but I’m constantly thinking of just withdrawing and attending a local college near me where some of my high school friends go. I live in a big city and it has a lot of public schools so I’m won’t be going to a party school. Of course it’s an objectively worse school by every measure but at least I won’t be socially miserable there. I will probably be very upset that I worked really hard to go to a really good school but made a necessary decision for my mental health. If my social situation doesn’t change here I will definitely leave.
I constantly have nostalgic thoughts of high school and really want to go to the public school so it feels like a ‘continuation’ of high school. Really funny because in high school I would have NEVER thought of attending a school that low-ranked. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know people there who I can talk to and that some of the people I know were pretty academically focused in high school too. Some were rejected by ivys or couldn’t pay for more expensive schools.
So what should I do CC? I just don’t know what to do.
No I didn’t expect to make life long friends but everyone is actively turning acquaintances into friends and whatnot while I’m going to be stuck with the acquaintances and nothing else. Everyone is doing what is ‘normal’ and I’ve been thrown off track you know? It’s hard describing what exactly is going on but I think you’d understand. I am having a really hard time imagining how my situation will change without some luck.
Did you read the thread? “Everyone else” is in the same boat as you. It’s two weeks. Give it time. Read the pinned post I linked. Read it all. Read the latest post on that link, by @bopper . There are literally dozens of posts like yours every year. This is common, and you are not alone. Two weeks is zero time to decide that you will definitely be stuck with no friends.
Oh, I promise you @LeaveQuestioner , you will make meaningful connections in time. Congratulations for getting into a top university! You are doing the right things - keep it up.
I’m sorry the going is a little rough, OP. Hang in there and keep trying to engage. Read the links that have been posted. Don’t be discouraged. It’s very early going. My D who is now a senior took awhile to find her tribe and has had a fabulous experience.
Give it time! It’s really easy to notice the people who look like they are best friends already. Try noticing the other people who look like they don’t really know anyone yet.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I’m still pretty sad but I guess I’ll keep doing what I’m doing I guess. Still haven’t really made meaningful connections yet but today I went to a club and saw a few freshmen introduce themselves to each other and whatnot. Like one person introduced herself and eventually like 5 people did the same. This gave me hope but I didn’t really talk to anyone there because I was kind of shy and I didn’t want to initiate anything. I feel like plenty of people were open to talking but ended up not talking much lol.
“This gave me hope but I didn’t really talk to anyone there because I was kind of shy and I didn’t want to initiate anything.”
OK, it’s going to be hard but you really have to make yourself take the leap and introduce yourself. This would have been the perfect opportunity to do that. You said you are normally sociable and know how to talk to people. Now you need to DO IT.
Notice that every single post here is telling you the same thing: you are actually doing fine! Hand on heart, nobody has ‘real’ friends yet- and if you keep an eye on them, you will notice that a lot of these new-friend pods change by spring. Everybody is trying on their new college selves, and figuring out who they are in this new place. Don’t give up on yourself yet.
A lot of people find it hard to start a conversation. One of the easier ways to do that is with people in your classes. When a quiz is coming up or a problem set assigned, say to a person or 2 sitting next to you ‘hey, some of us are getting together to study- would you like to join in?" Ditto, if you see somebody in your class who is also in your dorm - ‘hey, we’re in the same dorm- want to work on this in the lounge tonight?’ Some people will say no- don’t take it personally. Some people will say yes, and if they do answer ‘great! is there anybody else you would like to join in?’. Look at the people in your classes - is there anybody in more than 1 class? easy way to start a conversation "hey, I think we are also in X class together’. After a test “so, how did that go for you?”.
Particularly, look for the other students in classes that link to your planned major. Ask people sitting near you in those classes ‘hey, are you thinking of majoring in this?’ The people who are taking the class b/c they want to study the same subjects you do are good prospective study buddies- as you get into the higher level classes you all will get to know each other, and a shared interest is great not just for classwork, but for sharing info on internships, etc.
People are in general pretty good at appearing normal and happy even if they really aren’t. Other students will look happy, but a lot of them are feeling exactly the same way that you are.
You will meet friends over time. However, this takes time. It probably takes a little bit longer for very smart and very thoughtful people. Keep plugging along. Keep participating in clubs and activities. Say “hello” if you see someone who is sitting by themselves or seems to be in a similar situation. Over time you will meet people and this will get better.
If you had attended a public school closer to home you would still need to go through the same thing. This is very normal.