<p>Hello. I was informed that I was dismissed from the university that i attended, and I would greatly appreciate if someone could provide feedback for my rough draft. Please help ASAP!!!!!!!</p>
<p>PLEASE PROVIDE ME SOME FEEDBACKS!!!!!!!</p>
<p>First of all stop using caps. Second, I will go through it rigorously and help you out if you post it. Do not pm it to me.</p>
<p>To get a feeling of what I do, go to <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/what-my-chances/1439451-chances-appeal.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/what-my-chances/1439451-chances-appeal.html</a></p>
<p>Thank you so much. Here it is: </p>
<p>I had received a letter about my dismissal from the University of Wisconsin La Crosse. I was not surprised, but very upset to have received this letter. I am writing to appeal my academic dismissal from the University of Wisconsin La Crosse. </p>
<p>I sincerely admit, I had a difficult time last semester and my grades suffered as a result. I do not mean to make excuses for my poor academic performances, but I would like to explain the circumstances. I was confident that I would do well and I still think I could have. Unfortunately, my father was diagnosed with an overly damaged eardrum that could lead to cancer. Surgery was needed, but my father had decline as he believe herbal medicine would work. I tried ways to explain the benefits of the surgery to convince him but I failed every time. In addition, I drive home everyday to help out with the household duties and care for my six siblings. Since my parents work until midnight, I am placed with the responsibility of babysitting and paying the bills. Even when I am in school, I was very distracted with my dads situations. As a result, I was not able to focus on my school work. I understand now that I should have communicate with my parents and most important of all, my professors. I thought I could handle my work schedule, billing schedule, and school schedule but I was wrong, I failed completely at time management and my responsibility as a student. I was wrong. </p>
<p>I love the University of Wisconsin La Crosse, and it would means so much for me to graduate with a degree from this school. If I am reinstated, I will focus on my academics instead of household duties and work. My parents are aware of my academic dismissal and they will hire a babysitter and my mother is switching from second to first shift to support me. My employer also accepted my change of availability to weekends only as well. From now on, I will communicate better, work harder, and meet with my professors and advisor regularly to ensure my success. </p>
<p>I intend to pursue biology major and apply for Pharmacy school. Ever since I was 10, watching my siblings sick, and my parents who does not understand or read English struggles, was frustrating. I wanted to be of help so I sought to gain knowledge of medicine. I want to help people know more about medicine, even those that do not understand or read English. With that in mind, I intend to pursue a minor in Spanish. Please understand that my low GPA does not indicate that I am a bad student, I am a good student who had a bad semester. I hope you will give me a second chance at achieving my dreams. I will not disappoint you. Thank you so much for considering this appeal.</p>
<p>Your letter of appeal is definitely well-written.
I wish the best of luck to you!</p>
<p>Thank you so much for reading this and giving me your feedback.</p>
<p>You need to check your grammar! You need to get to the point faster.
I had a bad semester due to family illness and extraordinary family obligations requiring me to care for my six siblings. These circumstances were unexpected. I did not manage them well or communicate which is my fault. I sincerely request another chance.
The details are:</p>
<p>“I had received a letter about my dismissal from the University of Wisconsin – La Crosse. I was not surprised, but very upset to have received this letter.”
-Delete, say instead "Hello, I am (NAME), majoring in (major).</p>
<p>“I sincerely admit, I had a difficult time last semester and my grades suffered as a result.”
-Replace comma with “that”</p>
<p>“I do notmean to make excuses for my poor academic performances, but I would like to explain the circumstances.”
-there needs to be a space between not and mean.</p>
<p>“I was confident that I would do well and I still think I could have.”
-Delete</p>
<p>“Unfortunately, my father was diagnosed with an overly damaged eardrum that could lead to cancer.”
-Get rid of unfortunately… the reader doesn’t need to know that cancer is bad</p>
<p>“Surgery was needed, but my father had decline as he believe herbal medicine would work.”
-Confusing sentence. Change to: “Surgery was needed, but my father believed herbal medicine would suffice, causing his condition to decline further.”</p>
<p>“I tried ways to explain the benefits of the surgery to convince him but I failed every time.”
-Delete. They don’t need to know your opinion what your dad should have done</p>
<p>“In addition, I drive home everyday to help out with the household duties and care for my six siblings.”
-Do you still drive home? If not, change drive to drove.
-In addition makes it seem like you are adding to a point, but this is the point. When you use in addition, it should be another “cause” of something. This is the first time you discuss a cause because before, you were just giving background. Thus, delete “in addition”
-Refer to the next sentence edits. Some further edits should be done to this sentence as described.</p>
<p>“Since my parents work until midnight, I am placed with the responsibility of babysitting and paying the bills.”
-delete “am place with” and put “have” instead. Simpler is better.
-you already mention babysitting in the previous sentence. I would delete “and care for my six siblings” in the previous sentence and put “and pay bills” instead because paying bills has nothing to do with your parent’s working habits. And then in this sentence, just say “Since my parents…, I have the responsibility to care for my six siblings”</p>
<p>“Even when I am in school, I was very distracted with my dad’s situations.”
-Delete, the next sentence suffices</p>
<p>" As a result, I was not able to focus on my school work."
-Just a thought I’m having right now while reading this. Previously, you said you still drive home, but you say here that you “were” not able to focus, indicating that now you are. You have to explain what has changed, if anything has. If nothing has, just write a sentence about how you have learned to manage time.</p>
<p>“I understand now that I should have communicate with my parents and most important of all, my professors.”
-Should be “…my parents and, most important of all, my professors.”
“I thought I could handle my work schedule, billing schedule, and school schedule but I was wrong, I failed completely at time management and my responsibility as a student. I was wrong.”
-Period after the first wrong, starting a new sentence.
-Delete the last “I was wrong”</p>
<p>“I love the University of Wisconsin – La Crosse, and it would means so much for me to graduate with a degree from this school.”
-Should be “mean”, not “means”</p>
<p>“If I am reinstated, I will focus on my academics instead of household duties and work. My parents are aware of my academic dismissal and they will hire a babysitter and my mother is switching from second to first shift to support me.”
-Should be in the previous paragraph while you are explaining your circumstance. In the previous paragraph, you are saying “BUT EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE!” But I had no reason to believe that. Now this is a good reason. So insert this before you say that you will improve if reinstated.</p>
<p>"My employer also accepted my change of availability to weekends only as well. From now on, I will communicate better, work harder, and meet with my professors and advisor regularly to ensure my success. "
-Delete “to weekends only”… just kind of makes the sentence weirdish.</p>
<p>“I intend to pursue biology major and apply for Pharmacy school.”
-Good sentence. I would make this your second paragraph so the know your academic interests initially.
-change to “and pursue Pharmacy school.”</p>
<p>Ever since I was 10, watching my siblings sick, and my parents who does not understand or read English struggles, was frustrating. I wanted to be of help so I sought to gain knowledge of medicine."
-You are in the college and they really don’t need to know “why” for this circumstance. What they care more about is what are you going to do if we approve your appeal. Thus, delete.</p>
<p>“I want to help people know more about medicine, even those that do not understand or read English.”
-Maybe add something to the beginning of the sentence like “Growing up in a family that suffered from language barriers with society,…”</p>
<p>“With that in mind, I intend to pursue a minor in Spanish.”
-You are already doing biology so it should be “I also intend…”
-Instead of intend, say “I am also minoring in Spanish”</p>
<p>“Please understand that my low GPA does not indicate that I am a bad student, I am a good student who had a bad semester.”
-Change to “While my GPA is low, I am not a bad student. Through this experience, I have adjusted my responsibilities outside of school to ensure that this is not a problem again.”</p>
<p>“I hope you will give me a second chance at achieving my dreams. I will not disappoint you.”
-I personally don’t like this, it seems overly dramatic. I would replace it with something like, "Thus, with your approval, I strongly believe that I will begin to exceed the expectations of the (COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY?).</p>
<p>“Thank you so much for considering this appeal.”
-Good</p>
<p>Good luck! As you could see from the other thread, I do this with everyone’s. This is pretty good, but I would also consider my recommendations! Best of luck!!</p>
<p>Thank you for your time in correcting it.</p>
<p>You’re welcome!</p>