Looking to submit it this week... What do you think of my personal statement?

College Essays
1

<p>Here is my personal statement that I'm looking to submit to UCF this week. The word maximum is 500, and I'm at 495. Here are the two prompts I'm answering in this essay: 1. Why did you choose to apply to UCF? 2. What personal qualities or characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?</p>

<p>PLEASE read it and let me know what you think, what your general impression is, if you think it stands out at all and is well written, any suggestions you have, etc. Thank you so much!</p>

<p>(Indent) Throughout high school, my interests and motivation have evolved and matured. In parallel with this, my academic achievement has increased. Although my freshman year GPA was under a 3.0, I received a GPA of 3.42 my sophomore year. Continuing this upward trend, my weighted GPA my junior year was a 4.0. Something specific that has come into focus for me is my interest in science, which has been reinforced by courses such as Forensic Science, Astronomy and IB Psychology. During my free time, I love to turn on the Science Channel and watch shows such as “How the Universe Works” and “Through the Wormhole” as I ponder the mysteries of the universe. Questions such as “Are we alone?” and “Why is there something rather than nothing?” are just a couple that captivate me. These questions provide me with the perspective that we’re likely not alone in this vast universe, of which so much remains unexplored. As a member of an astronomy club, I will be building my own telescope this year. I look forward to using it to identify constellations and planets within the night sky, while reminding myself that what I see is only a small fraction of the universe.
(Indent) However, it’s not only science that piques my interest and curiosity. Considering questions like these has also fostered in me a passion for philosophy and challenging my worldviews. This summer I spent two weeks in China practicing my Mandarin and studying the culture. Learning about philosophies such as Buddhism and Confucianism has helped broaden my understanding of the differing beliefs around the world. I enjoy utilizing these perspectives to develop and challenge viewpoints, and to approach conversations with an open and critical mind. With these passions and characteristics, I believe that I will succeed in and contribute to the UCF community.
(Indent) From everything I’ve read about UCF and my campus visit, it’s clear to me that the university is strong in science. Looking over the online course catalog, I’m very impressed with the class offerings as well—Philosophy of Science, Galaxies and Cosmology, and Life in the Universe, to name just a few. It is also clear to me that UCF is rapidly strengthening its academics and campus further. In fact, when I was touring the campus this summer, my tour guide mentioned that UCF also stands for “Under Construction Forever.” Although some might view this as a minor inconvenience, I perceive the growth as a sign of vitality. The University of Central Florida, my first choice by far, epitomizes everything I desire in a school. Not only am I intrigued by its academics, but I also believe that I will thrive within UCF’s vibrant community. I look forward to interacting with a diversity of people and participating in many different school organizations and activities. Although attending college on the opposite side of the country from my home may be a big change, I embrace this opportunity for personal and academic growth.</p>

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<p>When you enter a forum, there is a pinned thread warning against posting your personal info or essay online. Next time, ask for readers. Edit and take this down now, if you haven’t run out of time.</p>

3

<p>I agree dont make your essay public, it may lead to plagiarism. Rather PM the readers.</p>

<p>"" In parallel with this, my academic achievement has increased. Although my freshman year GPA was under a 3.0, I received a GPA of 3.42 my sophomore year. Continuing this upward trend, my weighted GPA my junior year was a 4.0. “”</p>

<p>Your Transcript says this so I advice not to waste space here!</p>

<p>Something specific that has come into focus for me is my interest in science, which has been reinforced by courses such as Forensic Science, Astronomy and IB Psychology.</p>

<p>Awkwardly worded - I actually didnt understand what do you actually mean to say.
A better version can be " My interest in science was further intensified by courses _ "</p>

<p>I recommend that you show this to your english teacher because I can see there are some grammatical errors.
Honestly , this essay needs some polishing and it can do wonders</p>

4

<p>Where are the grammar errors? I have gotten this essay edited by numerous people and as far as I’m concerned, there are no grammar errors. Could you point out some specific examples? Thanks.</p>

5

<p>"" Questions such as “Are we alone?” and “Why is there something rather than nothing?” are just a couple that captivate me. “” </p>

<p>This is grammatically incorrect. The subject (“Questions such as…”) doesn’t agree with the end of the sentence. You could write
“Are we alone?” and “Why is there something rather than nothing?” are just a couple of questions that captivate me. </p>

<p>OR</p>

<p>I find questions such as “Are we alone?” or “Why is there something rather than nothing?” absolutely captivating.</p>

<p>Something like that.</p>

<p>Next, there’s this: </p>

<p>"" These questions provide me with the perspective that… “” </p>

<p>That doesn’t make sense. Questions can’t provide you with a perspective. You could say something like “Considering such questions has made me realize that…” or words to that effect.</p>

<p>Next:
“” It is also clear to me that UCF is rapidly strengthening its academics and campus further. “” You don’t need the word further here.</p>

<p>Next:
“” I look forward to interacting with a diversity of people “” There is no such thing as a diversity of people. You could say diverse population.</p>

<p>Finally:
“” Although attending college on the opposite side of the country from my home may be a big change, “”
I don’t think you need to say this. It doesn’t really add anything to your essay, and you haven’t been addressing this theme throughout. It would be worth taking this out and adding some more detail elsewhere.</p>

<p>This is mostly just grammatical and phrasing faults. I agree with anewbeginning above that the first part about your GPA isn’t really necessary, and those words would be better used elsewhere in your essay. Otherwise, I think it is a strong personal statement. Good luck with your application!</p>