<p>Give me strength, CC friends. My parents (in their 80s) are convinced that D2 is a shoo-in at HPYS. Believe me... she isn't getting in even as a reach. She will have very good test scores (all SATs likely 750+), some decent ECs (but not great/particularly unique, and no leadership to speak of), GPA in top 10% of her class. But nothing stands out, no particular hook -- not an athlete, URM, legacy, famous actress, from North Dakota, etc. She is a great kid, and likely will do very well at a top 25-ish LAC (which is what she seems interested in anyway so far based on the few visits we started this spring). But it would really be a waste of time and energy for her to focus on HPYS.</p>
<p>They have been nagging unceasingly on this every time I have talked to them/seen them for the past few months. And she is only a rising HS junior, we have more than a year to go before she even applies. On top of that, these are the parents who forced me to attend a state school when I wanted to apply to HPYS 30 years ago. And they aren't offering any money to pay the bill, either. At least some of it is "bragging rights" -- the grandson of a friend is going to Stanford in the fall, and it is all they can talk about.</p>
<p>So I just told my dad off on the phone after both of them gave me the "Stanford will be banging down the door for her!" speech, and they said that I am clueless and being stupid about this. Argh. We managed not to hang up on each other, and go on to other topics, but this is just making me crazy. Just needed to vent to you guys, I knew you would understand!</p>
<p>“Mom, Dad, she’s a great kid and a very good student, but our guidance counselor has told us that HPYS are reaches for everyone. So while she’ll apply to [one of them], she’s really concentrating on X, Y, and Z. In fact, we feel she’ll be happier there anyway.”</p>
<p>The biggest point would be if your daughter doesn’t LIKE these colleges, she should not apply and that would be her reason to tell the grandparents (as opposed to “can’t get in”). </p>
<p>Another thought is that as we know, the competitiveness to get into tippy top highly selective colleges is worse than ever and not like it used to be in your parents’ day when one might make a fair assumption that a top student could surely get into any top college. So, you might want to roll out some statistics and acceptance rates to your parents to bring them up to date. </p>
<p>Another thought, and I really don’t know the specifics about your daughter, but if she does have high stats, even though she is not “hooked,” and has any genuine interest in tippy top colleges, I would not eliminate them as reach schools on the list because unhooked excellent students still do get admitted, even though the odds are tough. While the chances are slim, they are surely NOT impossible. So, I would not dismiss these top schools if your D likes them and has an excellent profile, even if she is unhooked, not super duper unique and doesn’t walk on water. She has a chance. </p>
<p>All of that said, it is early yet. But in any case, it can be very bothersome to have grandparents harping on this stuff and you may have to put up with it to some degree but just have your D do what she wants anyway and deal with the annoyance!</p>
<p>I can see why he would think that, because it was probably true at the time he was applying to college that someone with those credentials would have a very good chance at those schools, and it was probably even true when you were applying to college. Anyone who hasn’t been closely following the college admissions scene would think that someone at the top of her class with excellent test scores would be a good candidate. That’s what makes it so sad when April comes, and kids with 4.0/2400 get turned down–many of them truly believed (as anyone would) that they would be shoo-ins.</p>
<p>But there’s really no arguing with people, is there–just the way our kids say to us, “NO, MOM, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, IT ISN’T LIKE THAT ANYMORE” and we think they are just being bullheaded.</p>
<p>She could apply if she wants to go to one of those schools. As a lark. You never know.</p>
<p>My take on this is people are extremely naive about the whole college thing until they have gone through it. Right now I have co-workers with kids your daughter’s age or slightly younger. Very good students at middling high school. Nothing extraordinary about these kids at all except they have good grade. One just got an A in AP US History but couldn’t pass the AP exam. It’s obvious the expectation is their kids will get full academic scholarships to tippy top schools. Even our state flagship only gives 15 full academic scholarships out of a class of 3,000. That’s not say that there are not schools out there willing to give full scholarships but they are usually reserved for kids who have gone way above and beyond or they’re usually from private schools that are trying to attract kids that are way above their average student profile.</p>
<p>My point is a lot of people with kids in HS don’t ‘get it’ until they are right in the middle of the process, so I wouldn’t expect your 80 yr old parents to get it either.</p>
<p>You need to learn to smile and nod over the phone. :)</p>
<p>I know it’s frustrating for you, but there are worse things than your daughter’s grandparents thinking that every school on the planet would be lucky to get her! (And those schools would be!) When you talk to your daughter, emphasize that her grandparents are obviously very proud of her – and rightfully so! – but they are also not very informed about the huge number of students applying to HYPS the past few years and how that makes those schools a reach for everyone, even tippy-top students. And tell your parents your daughter will be casting a wide net when looking at/for schools, to make sure she has options that appeal to her.</p>
<p>Maybe your parents regret in forcing you to go to your state school many years ago, and they want to make sure you don’t do the same. </p>
<p>My parents were very frugal and strict with us growing up, but now they constantly tell us now not to be too hard on our kids. I take it as their way of telling us that they wish they could do it differently.</p>
<p>Well, we are going to visit Stanford. But more because we are in the area than anything else. I just remember how much energy D1 put into her “reach” school application, and in retrospect it (1) wouldn’t even have been a good fit, (2) she would have gotten her tail kicked in the classroom there, I suspect, and has been wildly successful at the school she did attend and (3) it took a lot of time and energy from her other applications that could have been better spent.</p>
<p>My parents would say that the guidance counselor wouldn’t know, as they surely don’t have any other kids as sensational as D! Regarding statistics, facts are pretty irrelevant to them, they will just say that she is special and they will take her. Today my mom started talking about how she knows a guy whose brother used to be on the board of regents at one of those schools, and surely he could help. Sigh…</p>
<p>VeryHappy, one good quality is that they will lean on me, not on her. Although I did tell D that they thought she would by HPYS material, and she cracked up. She knows which kids from her HS are getting in now from the grades above her, and she knows it wouldn’t be in the cards for her even if she were interested (which so far she is not). I think she is flattered that her grandparents think she could get in, even though she thinks they are delusional. I will just keep repeating “serenity now” in my head every time they bring it up.</p>
<p>OP - Your daughter is blessed to have you as a parent – and not her gr’parents! My mom, in her 80s, still thinks the increase in higher education costs is solely due to inflation! Uh, huh. When I attended the most expensive UC at the time (UCSC), the fees were $229.50 per quarter, i.e. under $700/year! And my paperback used Hegel, Marx, JS Mill, etc. books were under $1 each. . .</p>
<p>Buy them a Stanford car decal and tell them to tell all their other 80+ yr old friends that where she expects to go in 2 years. Most of the friends probably won’t remember by then anyway :D</p>
<p>I see the same thing with grandparents in my MIL’s community–bragging over the grandkids’ colleges and grad schools. It is rather hypocritical when they are unwilling to contibute a dime to the educations while living lavish lifestyles. The college’s prestige becomes another commodity to show-off like a Gucci bag, Mercedes, or the right country club. </p>
<p>Perhaps, intparent, you should simply ask the grandparents how much they would like to contribute to support the $208,000.+ price tag of that HYPS education.</p>
<p>I brought up the cost, and asked my dad if he was interested in helping pay. Of course not. Actually, he probably thinks she will get scholarship money there… </p>
<p>I am a single parent, paying all of D1’s private college tuition myself (no help from the ex, although we did have some college savings from before the divorce). She went to a LAC where she was a highly qualified applicant, and snagged herself a nice merit scholarship to cover about 1/3 of the cost. D2 has some schools on the list where she will likely do the same, and I also have some savings for her. It may or may not be possible to pay for a pricier school without scholarships, we will see (which is why D2 and I have already had conversations about finding financial safeties she likes, etc.).</p>
<p>I think I am just going to start saying, “Sorry, we are not going to discuss D’s college search” from now on when they bring it up. I really think that is all I can do, and stay sane.</p>
Do you think they are feeling guilty for not letting you go to HPSYM and are not overcompensating? Of course an open cehckbook would be nice to go along with that too Remind them of how much you saved them by not going to a top IVY way bak when, and how much they’ve earned on those savings over the years…</p>
<p>JK, but seriously, maybe they are feeling guilty. But them a sweatshirt, or better yet, a university toilet seat to go with the car decal :)</p>
<p>I think they had actually forgotten about it until I mentioned it, so it isn’t guilt. And they are avid fans of the state U (to be fair, a very good one) – they are alums as well, so I don’t think they feel bad about it. I know my mom in particular would love “country club” bragging rights, for sure. I know you are probably joking about the decals/etc – that would totally “feed the beast” and make this worse, I am sure.</p>
<p>intparent: your post #14 is exactly what I was going to suggest. I would cut off the discussion right now. It isn’t really any of their business if they are not contributing financially. They are putting undue pressure on you and don’t understand the current admissions situation, so there isn’t any sense in trying to reason with them. Kind of like dealing with two-year-olds. </p>
<p>Just practice your mantra, “sorry, we aren’t talking about it any more,” repeat as needed, and get off the phone if they persist.</p>
<p>I sent my mother to the library and made her read the college guides like Fiske. She was driving me nuts. She couldn’t understand how much harder it is to get into certain schools, how much more complex the whole process is and how money does matter.</p>
<p>She also had an inflated sense of my son’s statistics. </p>
<p>She is a bit younger than your parents, but it did help the discussion a bit.</p>
<p>First, grandparents can be annoying in a lot of ways. Mine were deeply offended when our firstborn was accepted to Ivies and attended one. My dad is from a long line of unionized coal mining forebears and just despises whatever he deems “privileged” and so going to an elite school made his blood boil. So just know this door can swing both ways.</p>
<p>Second, if her scores are 750+ all around and her grades are good then don’t count anything out. If she wants an Ivy she should apply. That said, I definitely don’t think attending that type of school is necessary at all for her to do fabulously well in whatever direction she chooses.</p>
<p>Congratulations on raising what is obviously a really smart and academically engaged kid. Whatever the admissions outcomes . . . you (and she) have already won.</p>
<p>I read in the paper that a local boy from our public hs was admitted to Harvard this spring. I ran into his dad a few weeks later and congratulated him. He told me that his son had good SAT scores and good grades and had planned to apply to several selective LACs. The dad suggested he apply to Harvard on a whim. It was a “why not try” application. Much to their shock, he was accepted! I love this story because the kid is unassuming, the parents are totally low-key and laid back. So, you can’t be accepted, or rejected, if you don’t apply.</p>
Remind them of how much you saved them by not going to a top IVY way bak when, and how much they’ve earned on those savings over the years…</p>