I’m 19 and I’m soon to be a second-year student at a community college in my hometown (college is CCSF). When I first graduated from my high school with decent grades a year ago, I was looking forward to becoming a great student at community college, soon to transfer to undergrad at a UC. I came into college with a mechanical engineering / comp sci double major in mind… was looking forward to creating a fantastic college career for myself, followed up by a thriving job and happy personal life.
What I created for myself instead was a slew of terrible decisions that have now fallen apart on me.
I think I have always had depression – undiagnosed, but very awful depression that more than a few times had me considering a very… poor option as a permanent answer to a short-term problem. Because of it, immediately off the bat, I withdrew from a summer chem class required for basic college chemistry. No matter, I had taken honours chem in 12th grade and easily passed the placement exam for the basic college chem course.
Come first semester, I was determined to do well. I signed up for seven courses, against the advice of my mother. In my mind, I was convinced she was setting me down a path of failure by choosing a low number of low-level courses that would never fulfil the engineering transfer requirements for any of the UCs I looked at. They would only work for medicine, which at the time I vehemently did not want to do. I set up my own courses, texting my cousin about how to sneak the classes I wanted into my schedule and talking smack about my mum.
As luck would have it, halfway through the semester, a bad depression hit me. It fed a cycle of procrastination and self-pity and near complete lack of functionality, and I came out of the semester with only three classes in which I performed well: intro to engineering, political science, a tutoring course I only took for pass/no-pass credit. I scored a C in online health science at another college, having completely forgotten about it in my depression.
Foolishly, I brushed it off as a one-time thing. Next semester, I signed up for the same amount of classes, give or take a couple. I started off strong, keeping up with all my courses. I was convinced I would pass with all A’s, as is the only acceptable grades in my family who want me to go to medical school.
And I withdrew from all of them, as well as “fail/withdrawing” one (worse than withdrawal) due to missing it when I was withdrawing all my courses.
The second semester, I had somewhat of a reason. Though it was an excuse to feed my negative emotion – my family were breaking apart and in great tensions due to the discovery of my father having an affair. Unexpectedly, it led me to a complete breakdown.
But none of my family knew about any of this. I lied about taking courses, and about how well I was doing. I lied about finals while living under the roof with my own family. I could not bring myself to tell them what I had done. Meanwhile I continued to convince myself I would have more chances later on, and I continued to be dishonest and to mislead them.
And now, two semesters earlier and during my summer classes, I have realised that I was depressed and anxious but, rather than overcome, I used these issues as my excuses for not doing well. I was not only the things I listed, but I know now that I’ve been manipulative and deceptive, growing lazy and stuck in my listlessness.
My family discovered the entire situation today by reading all my texts with my cousin. Though I had convinced them a couple weeks earlier to let me stay an extra year in order to fix my academics and to start over, they are now very angry (understandably at my deception and laziness). Now they question whether I should be in college at all, or whether I can salvage any chance at medical school or even engineering, the option they had hated. Perhaps, they say, I should quit and find a job.
As for me – I want to improve. I am embracing all that I’ve done and I know that was not anyone’s fault, or the mental illness. It was my fault for taking the action I did. I wanted to share these experiences with the forum to, firstly, provide backstory for my questions and, secondly, to admit my failures and to warn others of falling down the same rabbit hole.
Now, with that out of the way: I want to change. I want to salvage my college career, and start fresh.
My question is how it should be done at the college I am currently attending. I now have two years left, the original amount of time I was going to stay at community college. I would approach my education in the same way, but I have some doubts about how efficient this method would be.
Before I go to speak with any counsellors that may be present during the summer semester, I wanted the advice of the CC forums. Is there any hope for me to apply for either of the professions I once wanted? Is it possible for any university to take me, seeing that I have all these withdrawals on my transcript? How is it possible to improve my transcript other than taking the courses that I have withdrawn from and finishing all the credits I can for my transfer? And most importantly, how can I better approach my studies and academics?
Change must happen starting with me, that I’m aware of. However, the help of the community is much appreciated in sharing any advice that I may then take action and carry through with.
Thank you,
-a struggling student.