Major struggles at UCLA for my kid and need advice please

Parents Forum
1

Hello,

I hope I’m posting in the right place. My son is going through some massive changes both medically and psychologically (documented) which have dramatically impacted his ability to perform academically and I don’t know if that will change anytime soon. I should also mention that he is on the Autism spectrum and received multiple accommodations which he didn’t take advantage of, despite my urging and reminders. Instead, he spent the majority of his first year playing video games, although he denies this fact.

His first year has been a crushing disappointment and even though his grades have been very low, he somehow managed to avoid academic probation…until now, as he got 2 F’s and a D- in the last quarter (only took 3 GE’s).

I’m reaching out to anyone here who has any advice/knowledge on our options with regard to UCLA and beyond. I believe he can take one quarter off and be readmitted, but I’m not sure, as my own emotional state is at a low point these days. I think he would need to take at least a year off to take care of himself and to have a chance, but I’m not even sure if that will make enough of a difference.

I’m also wondering if there are any options for people who are very intelligent, but lack the executive function skills needed to become independent adults. Will he need to live with us for the rest of our lives? He wants to be independent, but has no follow through on anything. I can’t imagine we’re the only ones who have had this experience, so I’m wondering what others have done.

I thank you in advance for any info you can provide.

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Hi @Physicsphun16. I am so sorry, you sound very distressed and I can understand that. I have a kid who was diagnosed with executive function issues early enough in her school that we were able to get her coaching/therapy and the coping strategies she learned have served her well so far.

My reaction as a parent of any kid who got those kinds of grades freshman year would be to pull him/her out of school. Contrary to popular belief taking time off does not end an academic career but he needs time to get himself together and learn to focus (or accept that he can’t and find another path). I notice you say you’ve reminding him of taking advantage of accomodations so I assume you did a lot of that in High School? In college he really needs to have those “executive” skills himself and if he didn’t learn them in High School then a school like UCLA is going to be far too distracting and unstructured.

There are therapists that teach executive function and he can better learn and practice those when the stakes are lower. He’s only 19 and he’s been in school his whole life - don’t assume he’ll never be independant! He’s bright and can overcome his deficits with time and effort but he has to make the effort, not you. If it were me I would have him come home and pay rent. I would offer to pay for therapy but I’d make him pay the cable and his phone as well so if he doesn’t work they get shut off. Tough Love, I know :smiley: Essentially I’d take things back a step. Once he gets to the point where he can keep a job, get himself up in the morning, buy food and pay bills I’d talk about college again.

(By the way, I also got on academic probation at UCLA many years ago and graduated just fine… my issue wasn’t executive functioning but too much socializing. Just thought I’d mention it. :slight_smile: Stay positive!!!)

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https://catalog.registrar.ucla.edu/ucla-catalog2017-49.html is UCLA’s withdrawal and readmission policies.

4

What does your son WANT to do? Does he want to continue at UCLA? And if not, does he have ideas what he wants to do if he leaves the school? At his age, he should be very much a part of what the next step is because HE needs to decide whether or not school is the right place for him right now.

5

He is only 19 and his brain is still developing. He will almost certainly be able to live independently, although it may not be in the kind of job you envisioned for him. Or he may get it together and end up finishing college in a few years. Don’t give up on him yet!

OTOH, it is a very tough situation and may not be as easy as having him come home and trying to get him to get a job and pay rent. He has to actually be motivated enough to get a job or you would have to get him something with someone you know. You can take away the video games and phone, but once you have done that, there is not much other punitive measures you can take to force him to do that. And if he comes home depressed, it is hard to know how much to push and how much to support. Also since he is an adult it is difficult for you to set up an appointment with a doctor or mental health provider. He has to be willing to go to appointments and follow up.

Hopefully, he will come home and want to change. You can facilitate things by finding the right professionals or treatment programs. You may also want to see a counselor yourself for some assistance in dealing with all of this. So sorry this is happening, but try to stay optimistic.

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A smaller school might be better. You’re pretty much on your own at a big state U like UCLA.

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I’d suggest a medical leave coupled with gap year of sorts; maybe an internship at a video gaming company - there are lots of those in SoCal. Maybe a year of lower pressure and stress, while doing something he loves (playing video games!), will enable your son to refresh and regroup, and maybe find his passion through work - who knows, he could be the next big video game designer!
BTW - UCLA has an outpatient ASD unit where they teach teens and young adults to be in the world;
Here it is - https://www.semel.ucla.edu/autism/group-based-treatments-young-adults-autism-spectrum-disorder-asd Your son fits right into the age range - it is worth looking into.
I believe with an Autism diagnosis, he may qualify for Regional Center services?

8

Our 20 year old son crashed and burned at Temple last year. Since he didn’t allow us to see his grades, we didn’t know until right before finals spring semester. It turned out he had reservations about going to college, but didn’t tell us (we would have supported his decision). He did share his reservations with his therapist and counselor, but they assured him that he would like college better than high school. We had him tested last summer, and it uncovered a disability in written communication. At first he seemed open to enrolling in the local CC and giving school another try, but at this point he doesn’t see it happening. He also wants to be independent, but seems clueless as to what that actually requires of a person. The three of us decided that he would get some corrective surgery that he was going to put off until after college, since he’s still on our insurance. The first step is to get his wisdom teeth out and get braces for a year (the surgery is to correct a severe underbite). He interviewed for a job at a restaurant right before he went to set up the wisdom tooth removal, and they wanted to train him. Fortunately, they let him work a few shifts to get his feet wet before the surgery and a short trip to NY that he already had planned. He’s going to work on a steady basis after he recovers from getting his wisdom teeth out. Our hope is that
The structure of a steady job helps him develop good habits. He would love to move back to Philadelphia, where he went to college. Maybe if he gets some solid work experience he can make that happen.

I wish your son the best. I think motivation is the key for kids like ours; once they are motivated they can make things happen.

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sorry duplicate post

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Oh I’m so sorry for the troubles you’ve been having. It sounds like your son would benefit from a smaller college with more hands-on attention. We have a family member, also on the spectrum, who went to Clarkson University; he did a pre-college year before starting as a freshman. I believe Clarkson has a program specifically for people who are on the spectrum—it might be part of Clarkson College though. Our family member received a lot of help, and he went from being nearly non-functioning (and having been kicked out of more than one school) to being successful. Like you, our family worried the kid wouldn’t be able to live on his own and manage his life. However, after that year at Clarkson where he obtained help and met so many others like him, he has flourished. He’s independent and gainfully employed. It sounds like your son either needs to move to a smaller college or perhaps, have a coach or other professional guide him until he gets the hang of college. I wish your family the best of luck.

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I agree with others that you should rethink UCLA. For whatever reason, it has not been a good place for your son – and assuming you are a California resident, there are many other affordable options to pursue. He may be better off for now living at home and attending a community college or CSU.

Your son will not have to live at home and depend on you for the rest of his life – but you probably should be thinking in terms of baby steps rather than big leaps, given the medical/emotional issues involved. One step at a time-- that may mean taking a single class for a semester at community college. If he does well, then move to two classes the following semester. He needs more time to build the skills he will need to succeed on his own, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

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We’ve been through something very similar, and at least partially executive functioning related, though we did not have the spectrum component.

Take a deep breath, this is hard, and will remain hard, but it can get better, and trust that it will. Many students and families are in the same place tonight.

First, continue to show your son unconditional love. He’s your son, not grades or a degree. Feeling that he still has your love and can trust you to be with him through anything is absolutely crucial.

Second, work with him to find the counseling/medical/therapy help that he needs. That is essential. Trust, I know that this is hard for you. And it’s hard for him as well. The video thing is an absolute bear and often requires some help.

Third, take school off the table for now and the near-term future. Just look at it as something that is down the road. Right now, if you knew he’d graduate at 24 or 25 and be healthy and happy and ready to move forward in your life, I’m sure you’d take that outcome. A year goes fast, even two years goes fast. Think about how recent his high school graduation feels.

Fourth, when mine left after freshman year, the school said it would not accept any credits during suspension and strongly advised not to take any classes. I think that was good advice. One suggestion, which may or may not be something that works for your son (obviously only know what you’ve written), is for him to work for a while. Work is really important to our personal development. It teaches lots of basic things and makes us feel that we are contributing to our community.

If it’s something your son could handle, and desired, maybe he could consider working in a national park for a season or a year. Xanterra, Delaware North, and other concessionaires run hotels, restaurants, shops, etc. in national parks. Parks like the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone, and Glacier are very isolated. Many employees live in subsidized housing (often dorm style) and get subsidized meals. So no dealing with landlords, utilities, etc. Employees have nature right at their doorstep and that can be therapeutic in itself. A bonus: a lot of parks have very little wifi so that video addiction can be broken.

In the end, college may or may not be something that works. We pretty much all want that, or something like it to work out for our kids. AND many people have successful, rewarding lives on different paths. Work with him to figure it all out. Let him know every day that you love him and are there for him, not in a coddling, enabling way, but in a way that makes it clear you will help him work through the challenges of life, as if you were on a family hike and found yourself lost in the wilderness, and loved each other and worked together to find your way, on whatever path worked best.

Anyway, I think these are some good things to take into consideration. Good luck!

13

My friend’s daughter is very much like you described your son, with many diagnoses that made living away at school too much. She could/can handle a tough academic load, but not with living away from home, dealing with medical issues, organizing her social life, etc. She does great at a very large urban school where she can live at home and commute. She was supposed to graduate in Dec but decided it was too much (just the thought of graduating is what I think scared her) so she’s taking another semester. Not a big deal.

My daughter was stretching out graduating too, but all of a sudden decided to graduate on time (8 semesters) so took three classes this summer (2 required to graduate, one for fun) and will graduate in Dec. I was fine with her doing it either way, taking summer classes or going for the 9th semester. She, too, has some learning issues and sometimes gets overwhelmed with the details of being a student (financial aid, adding or dropping a class, core requirements). It doesn’t help when the universities change the requirements and plans have to change. I try to help her with the administrative things, but she still gets frustrated when she doesn’t understand the requirements, the schedule, the financial aid.

For the OP, I’d pull him out of school and make a new plan. UCLA isn’t right for him at this time. It’s not helping anyone to get 2 F’s and a D. College is supposed to be challenging but not pushing a-rock-up-a-hill challenging.

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@mstomper - your situation is similar to ours, and your son’s issues are similar to my son’s. I can tell you that my son leaving school was the best thing he did for himself. He’s working, lives with a bunch of buddies, he’s learning stuff, discovering his strengths and ways of dealing with his weaknesses. He’s more self confident, more in control of his life, and is just plain happy. He talks about going back to school; I’m supportive but not pushing him in any way. I’d rather have a happy, self-reliant college drop out than a depressed and anxious student/grad. Here’s hoping your son finds himself as well.

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@Physicsphun16 I’m sorrry to hear about your sons difficulties. Feel free to PM me and I’d be happy to talk about resources and a course of action to help your son. I’m the CC UCLA Forum Moderator and work as an ambassador for the engineering school.

16

This sort of post keeps me awake at night as I prepare to send my autism spectrum kid to school. He had the grades to get into UCSD, UCSB, and UCSC but we also had a few of the schools that have special programs for kids on the spectrum (RIT, UCONN, and University of Denver) that help them with EF. Rutgers, U of A, Univ of Utah, Drexel all have similar programs. Might be worth it to look into, and talking to the Directors of that program as to whether they would take a chance on a kid who obviously is bright, but didn’t have the proper support and/or whether he could go after a year or two of CC.

My son is going to UCONN and enrolled in their Beyond Access program and I’ve told him he needs to go since it isn’t cheap and we want to make sure he has his sea legs behind him. I envision myself a “free range” parent, but I know from posts like this, I need to be a little helicoptery to make sure he is doing okay. It’s for that reason, I’m sending him across country but why speaking to the office of disabilities was key. UCONN is willing to help me monitor how he is doing if I need to (hoping I don’t need to). And I’m planning on keeping in touch on the homework front until he gets acclimated

I know as mentioned above, UCLA has a great program for kids on the spectrum that are school age, I’m wondering if they’ve expanded that or there is a way they would offer services. I know that UCSB has a similar center and they are just now dipping their foot in the pool of providing services to their college students.

Good luck!

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Kids on the spectrum often have underlying issues that affect behavior. They are more sensitive physically as well as emotionally, even if that is hard to see. A functional doctor can do blood tests and find out what the underlying issues are. After getting my daughter out of her highly rated but moldy school system she now has straight A’s and wants to go to college. One year ago she wanted to do online school, hated high school and was miserable every day. Blood tests indicated to the Doctor what we should consider. We have been working through nutritional deficiencies and her body is now helping itself rather than hurting itself. Her joint pain, digestive pain and mental suffering are gone. It’s a balancing act but please never stop looking for ways to improve their lives. My daughter hopes to major in Biology, concentrating on the digestive system, microbiome and lymph system so that she can help people like herself. Her twin sister wants to study Nutrition Science and do the same. We just need to find safe schools where they can do that!

Good luck! Don’t give up!

https://www.ifm.org/find-a-practitioner/

If there isn’t one near you, most will accept a patient who can travel to see them once. The rest can be done with FaceTime and telephone and you use a lab near you. So look for one near friends or family or a regular vacation spot, or just in an area that is a cheap plane ticket away. I chose one near me who has kids with similar issues to my kid’s issues, and it turns out the Doctor has many of the same issues so she connects well with my daughter.

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10s4life, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to PM you (which is quite embarrassing). Can you please send me a PM and then I can reply to you with my detailed questions? I would greatly appreciate your help.

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@Physicsphun16 Yeah I’ll shoot you one. Btw if you use the @ sign then my name it will notify me that you replied on the board. Goes for other users too

20

Can the kid live at home and go to UCLA? Perhaps the dorm life is what is stressing him out and causing him to hide and do nothing. Obviously he’s a smart kid or else he wouldnt have gotten into UCLA.

My kid is also on the spectrum and I too have worries that this sort of thing might happen to him. He is close enough though that I can intervene if need be. When he was younger he was a world class player in competitions and the stress really got to him, where he would hide somewhere for long periods of time. He still wastes a lot of time nowadays but his psychologist has said to just consider it de-stressing time.

What does he want to do? What does he think the issue is?