My daughter has had a rough freshman year. She did ok first semester but her anxiety/ADHD really started getting worse second semester. She has received an extension to finish a class, but we are considering having her take a semester or a year off. She quit taking her medication and couldn’t sleep and quit her sports team and I’m not even sure if she passed her other classes. She came home on Friday and has spent much of the time crying in her room. We see her psychiatrist this Friday.
My question is: does anyone have experience with a child who took time off after starting college? My husband spoke with her dean who indicated it was a possibility but I’m concerned about re-admittance. She loves the school and has a good social life so she does want to return. We just think a break may be good for her.
I am sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone. Right now the most important thing to do is get your daughter to a healthy place. My D’s friend took a semester off as well- it’s more common than you realize. Best wishes for your daughter and family.
@twogirls thanks for your kind words. I agree we need to get her to a healthy place. It’s hard, though, because her sleep schedule is so messed up. She’s up until around 4 every night and then, of course, wants to sleep in even though we tell her she needs to get up and deal with being tired so she’ll sleep the next night. We are in the process of finding her a therapist. Hopefully that helps.
It sounds like you are doing what you need to do for your daughter first and foremost.
I would suggest you contact the Dean of students at her school to find out these things…
- Can she take a years leave of absence? If so, she would be readmitted after that year.
If she is taking the leave for a medical reason, some schools might require a clearance from her doctor for her to return. Ask the dean of students.
- Will the school do a retroactive medical withdrawal for her courses IF there is sufficient documentation of a medical issue that caused her to have difficulty.
- Did she have any contact with the disability office at this school? That might be an I oirtant piece when she returns.
- Is there some reason why she quit taking prescribed medication? Perhaps the counselors can help you and her understand the need for this...if that is the case.
We did and had no issues but every school is different. You need to follow all the rules for taken a leave of absence. Be aware that the rules can vary for 1) non medical leave (which could be your case unless you pursue a retroactive medical withdrawal), 2) a medical leave and 3) a medical leave for mental health reasons. If you take a medical leave for mental health issue you might be required to provide proof of treatment and medical clearance in order to return.
If she ended the semester in good academic standing (met SAP) then you should be able to take a plain leave of absence.
Your issues are VERY common and most schools have a well documented process. If your student is in good academic standing and follow the rules for withdrawing then I suspect you should be okay. One issue to look at is how hard it will be to register for classes. In our case, our student got the same time slot as a currently enroll student so it wasn’t a issue.
Health trumps all. Take the time to recover and be stable. College can wait. We took a year off and had no problems coming back up to speed academically. A little harder socially.
Most schools allow a leave of absence.
You and she don’t need to decide right now. Many schools will refund tuition if she takes a leave before classes start (check her school’s policy). She can work with her therapist over the summer and you can make a decision say early August.
I’d let her make the decision but discuss some goals together and protocols. Perhaps she can take a reduced course load as well.
I agree with @thumper1 that she should be in contact with the college’s disability office if that wasn’t utilized this year. See what resources the college has to offer support for her situation.
Good luck!
Lots of kids take a semester off - even a year off - for all kinds of reasons, and every school has policies in place to welcome them back.
Your daughter may not be up to discussing her grades right now, and frankly this may not be the time. Her health should take precedence.
But you could assume the worst (she failed enough classes to be on academic probation) and contact the school to see what her options are. Odds are, even on academic probation, she can take a semester off, especially if medical/psychological issues are involved. The school may not allow YOU to file the appropriate papers for a withdrawal (your daughter may have to do so) but officials will be able to explain the rules and how to go about the process so that she can return when she’s able.
Good luck… many parents on CC have been in your shoes… many kids here suffered meltdowns but over time successfully completed their studies. With time and therapy your daughter may too.
Just a hug from another mom who has a child who deals with anxiety. Best of luck.
JMO…but I’m not sure that “going away” to school, especially if it’s quite a distance, is a good idea for some/many kids who suffer from anxiety and/or ADHD.
Sometimes it can be better if the student can commute from home or be within a couple of hours from home, so that they can more easily come home for weekends.
Some ADHD kids have a hard time “keeping all the plates in the air,” and are still learning coping and compensation skills. Being away “too soon” can exacerbate anxiety, depression, when they become overwhelmed by having to manage everything all by themselves. During the K-12 years, many ADHD kids have parents that have helped them manage “life.” I’m not saying that they all are completely helpless. They just aren’t ready to handle it all like another college aged student can.
@mom2collegekids gave very good advice that might be hard to take. It was advice I got from an evaluator once–that child should not go away to school because I would always need to help manage her life–so I sympathize.
If ADHD is severe enough, I have doubts about whether a student could remember to take medication for anxiety and depression without learning to stay on a very regular schedule, remembering to set alarms for it, etc. Practical supports for learning how to do that and oversight would be necessary.
If you decided to send her back to school, see if the disability office could put you in touch with an ADHD coach who can help you D stay in track and develop the strategies to stay healthy and deal successfully with demands of college life.
Why did she quit her sport? Was there hazing? Exercise is important for good mental health.
Was she independent before leaving for college? It sounds like you are trying to control her sleep schedule.
An excellent book about depression is “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression.” Depression is a lifelong disease. Every time you fall into the abyss of depression it is deeper and darker than the previous event.
My concern was when you said “She quit taking her medication.” I don’t know what medication she was taking, but suddenly stopping certain medications can have a rebound effect and can cause worsening of symptoms and withdrawal. Getting her stabilized is important and would help with her crying and sleeping issues. Weaning slowly off medication is vitally important. Has your daughter been made aware of this?
It sounds like after this crisis subsides, you and your daughter need to figure out what would be the right choice for her moving forward…whether it be taking time off, commuting to a school close to home, returning to her previous college or deciding if college is right for her at all. There are many different paths of reaching your child’s goals, but her mental health and happiness should come first. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find the right path for your daughter and your family.
Just some things to consider:
Did you daughter seek out counseling at school? Does she have documentation from a medical doctor stating that she suffers from anxiety and ADHD? If so, then a retroactive withdrawal might be possible if necessary. This would wipe out all grades from last semester as if it never happened.
Will your daughter go to counseling? This is a major consideration. Does the school have a counseling center? How many visits are allowed? In all likelihood you will need to find a private therapist off campus to treat your daughter. Is this possible? Is transportation needed? Does the school have a psychiatrist on staff that could monitor and adjust her medications as needed?
Will you and your daughter consider medication to treat the anxiety (I am assuming the medication you mention was for ADHD)? It can take a LONG time to find the right medication. A summer might not be enough time. Does she have panic attacks? How does she response to them?
You mention that your daughter atop taking her medications. Why? Some medications for anxiety can have some withdrawal effects and should not be stopped cold turkey. Also many require that the patient not consume alcohol. Is this an issue?
How far away is the school? Are you close enough to provide support if needed?
I suspect that you have considered most of the above. I would listen to your gut. You know your daughter. She might not like taking a semester or year off but it might be the best thing to do. Our daughter didn’t at first but over time realized it was the best decision for her.
Our D blew off her appointment with her psychiatrist for a medication check-in. That was our first clue that she had likely stopped taking her meds. We suspect wanting to be able to drink at college was a factor. It’s tricky.
Thank you, everyone! I appreciate your comments. She does have accommodations through the students with disabilities office and she also has an ADHD coach (although this doesn’t seem to be helping much). She quit her sports team because she kept being late to morning practices and the coach was fed up and it just wasn’t fun any more for her-no hazing as far as I know. As for not taking her medications, what happened is that she was unable to sleep at night and once she fell asleep at 3 or 4 am she would sleep until late the next day and she didn’t want to take a 12-hour stimulant at 2 in the afternoon. I’m not sure why she quit taking the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.
She has never been very independent- I was her executive function- I did all the planning, scheduling tutors and coaches, etc. Yes, in retrospect we did her a disservice by doing everything for her but at the time she was doing her sport 22 hours a week and trying to maintain a 4.0 (with lots of tutor support) so I tried to keep everything going smoothly. Now her college is 3000 miles away from home and she doesn’t have us to get her up, make sure she takes her meds, etc.
My husband thinks a semester or year off and working will be good for her. What I don’t want is for her to not get a job and just hang out around the house for a semester or year…
Don’t push her on the sleep schedule until after the medications are effective. It’s not worth it. Some antidepressants have the side bonus of helping with ADHD.
I don’t know how much you were doing for her. Everything? Did she keep her own planner/calendar? When the depression subsides get her some executive function therapy. It sounds like she had a very large safety net around her in high school.
I would keep her home for a year until she can function independently. She could likely get a job in her sport as an assistant coach even if it is a volunteer position.
Best of luck and kind thoughts to you and your family.
It sounds like she will need time off to get her medications under control. Does her school has a psychiatrist on staff that is willing/able to monitor and adjust her medications?
In her current state being 3000 miles away doesn’t sound like the best idea. If she was stable and taking her medication and had a good support system at college then it would be different story.
I would be very concerned that she stop taking her medication without the supervision of her doctors. For me that is a huge warning sign that should not be ignored. She needs to understand that if the medicines are not working or the side effects are too great that she has to discuss her options with her doctors before making any changes.
As for the job, you need to discuss this with her therapist to see what would be best. She might not be ready mentally for a job. However she does need to have structure and a routine. That could be a job, a physical exercise routine, self studying, volunteer work, …
Please don’t blame yourself. You did a great job getting her through high school. You would not wanted to have let her fail and have doors close for her. You gave her the supports to be successful and now she has to slowly learn how to manage a college life, either back at school or at home, whatever is best for her. You will help her figure it out. That she is having this difficulty now is not your fault.
My mom helped tutor and manage the affairs of a younger relative with ADHD through her junior year of college. A lot of people questioned whether she was enabling her by keeping track of all her assignments, proofreading, giving her suggestions on how to improve, etc. She made flashcards for tests and bought second copies of some books. I admit, sometimes I thought it was a little over the top. Now I realize it was hands on training that was necessary for her to learn how to manage school and life.
Now my young relative is all grown up. She landed a wonderful job with a good, regular paycheck and benefits and is very successful there. And now she’s a year into graduate school and is doing very well without any support.
So the point of this story is, don’t be afraid to give supports that help her be successful, even in college. Brain maturation takes longer with ADHD but it does come and EF skills can improve with practice as well.
I’m focusing on the ADHD. I’m not ignoring the depression but I know that sometimes anxiety and depression get worse when ADHD isn’t managed well and life becomes overwhelming.
In addition to getting her meds stabilized a year off would be an opportunity for her to learn those essential skills needed for college like making and keeping her own schedule for sleep, study and fun. All my kids who were very independent when they headed off to college would say that adjusting the schedule and learning the balance were the most difficult adjustments… and these were kids that were virtually unsupervised in terms of parental time management and school oversight for a few years when they went off. A kid who had relied on a parent for all this has an even higher hurdle.
Lots of advice here. One idea is to take some time off, work parttime and serve as a volunteer coach in her favorite sport. The social involvement and leadership role will really be helpful. Kids struggling with ADHD/anxiety/depression suffer from terrible self esteem problems and serving as a mentor to younger kids can be a positive therapeutic experience.
Kids this age can go through so much change and it is not necessarily the case that a depressive episode right now means that she will suffer ever worsening episodes throughout her life (as suggested in an earlier post). These years are unique in a person’s life.
Contacting the school ASAP is very important. I suggest getting documentation ASAP about the ongoing medical issues (some clearly pre-dated college since she was on medication) and get that documentation to the school VERY quickly to ask for some sort of late course withdrawal. If the grades were really really low, the only other alternative will be to start over from scratch at a new school.
Best of luck to you. You probably have already discerned from reading these posts that you and your family really are not alone. These problems are unique. There is no single solution but there IS a path forward. MANY young people are taking less than linear paths to independent adulthood and your child will make it too.