<p>I can’t remember when we found out our times, much too long ago for that. 
But if the parents knew they couldn’t control the S&E time or didn’t know ahead of time, they should have backed their kid out much earlier.</p>
<p>Very true - my point is that at this age this might be more of a live and learn moment than anything . . . despite the let down and disappointment. As an OCD schedule person if I held onto every time that another parent had an honest schedule screw up my head would explode. I have just learned to be proactive, double confirm, etc. Are you SURE you don’t have a conflict with X, Y or Z etc. As they get older the kids just start screwing up their own schedules which is even more fun. After 2 years of ensemble schedule madness S declared that he is all about solos next year. #-o </p>
<p>@intparent - Not true here. My 7th grader took the ACT this year for the duke talent search. The kids were given the choice of taking the either the ACT or SAT and both tests were offered at on two different dates. So I think the parent just didn’t look at the calendar,</p>
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<p>That’s the key point, letting down your teammates. I recently saw an interview with the ice dancers, Charlie and Meryl, and he was apologetic that his broken ankle last year (or maybe the year before?) had made them miss some important opportunities. He wasn’t disappointed for himself, but for the duo. That’s the kind of thinking that needs to take place when you’re part of a group that needs you - and even more important in a small group like a string quartet (4 people) than an orchestra (maybe 70?).</p>
<p>@MichiganGeorgia, NUMATS had only one date when D2 was in 7th grade. But other talent searches could do it differently, and maybe even NUMATS has more than one. But still true, I think, that all SAT dates are not an option. Which I don’t think is really the issue here, really.</p>
<p>Another thing that happens here is that the band director will mandate that everyone does solo ensemble as a class assignment. They will form or be formed into their ensembles and practice at school - especially in middle school. The parent is completely out of the loop until the kid says, “Mom, I need to be at ___________ at 9:50 tomorrow morning for solo/ensemble.” Yes, that is a story taken straight from life. Maybe kids who are also taking the SAT for a talent search are smarter and more together than the average middle schooler, but this is how it works at my house. :P</p>
<p>I’m not going condemn anyone in this. It seems to me there are too many unknowns and missing pieces:
- when did the parents know the time of the music stuff (was it a long time before or right before-- NOTE, not when kid knew but when parent knew). Just a couple of weeks ago, my D texted me at noon to say "BTW-- I am teching a show in 2 days). It was a chaotic week and it took major juggling to make it work.
- Did the parents figure that they could make it work and something unexpected make the plans go to heck (been there done that too).</p>
<p>While I understand the disappointment of the OP, welcome to the world of MS/HS. These sort of conflicts will inevitably happen and you can’t control the actions of the other families. Others will make choices that you think are inappropriate but the reality is you can’t control the others and have to deal with them in other contexts so you just suck it up and move on.</p>
<p>It seems as though the major issue here is not realizing there would be a conflict and attempting to resolve the issue before the event. Hopefully the lesson was learned about courtesy to others.</p>
<p>I remember one poor middle school bass player who couldn’t perform at a concert for all levels at the HS when his partner was a no show and had their music. That student should have made sure his partner at least could get the music.</p>
<p>The SAT for talent searches would typically only be on one of the test session dates (I still remember H out of town and son slipping on ice in a parking lot after I gingerly drove there one time). Since it was only middle school I would say the gifted testing, which may mean being able to get into a summer course, trumps a music event.</p>
<p>Ideally the student would have told her teacher in advance so an afternoon time slot could have been arranged- I remember volunteering for the HS music festival (solo and ensemble) event where some kids were late because of another performance. This was only middle school, however, so it is unlikely the group would have done well enough to advance to the state level. But- very disappointing for students who worked hard on their group event.</p>
<p>I remember teasing a classmate of son’s one year about being sure he wanted to bother running at the state CC meet when it meant his parents had to drive him to the city from another city where the HS choir was performing the day before- my son would have run if he hadn’t made it. I also remember driving son back an hour from a CC meet to be in the mandatory fall combined music recital- the varsity runners of that season and some soccer players may have missed their performing groups. I think some came in their athletic gear at the last minute. It is great that students were both athletes and musicians, I don’t think they could have come up with a satisfactory concert date to avoid conflicts.</p>
<p>Seems like the family could have given the music teacher a heads-up about the conflict, or potential for it if they were trying to make both events. But calendar mix-ups and SAT administration screw-ups do occur. Both of my kids took the SAT young, on special test dates only for middle schoolers. For one, it went smoothly. For the other, they had check-in and other issues that caused the already lengthy test to run more than an hour late! </p>
<p>I like stradmom’s comments on not letting down your teammates, though. I don’t know how the child who missed the S&E felt in this situation, but my two would have been devastated to let their quartets down. My younger one came down with the flu (high fever and lost voice completely) the week of S&E in eighth grade. We alerted her music directors immediately, and then kept them apprised because D wanted to perform with her quartets if at all possible (she played both violin and horn). Fever broke Thursday night and she was thrilled to get music out of her horn for the first time that week. Still couldn’t talk, but doctor cleared her on Friday. Went to S&E on Saturday with tons of lozenges and performed four times, then home to rest - more happy about not letting down her music buddies than the fact that they got perfect scores. I still don’t know how she did it, other than sheer determination to be there for her teams. </p>
<p>Mistakes do happen, but it sounds like the kid the OP was dealing with didn’t value the music performance very much. What seems missing is a profuse apology and a detailed explanation of how it happened that they didn’t notify anyone of the potential conflict. Seems like a very cavalier attitude towards the group activity. And lacking any indication that the family really does value the performances and isn’t about to let such a thing happen again, if it were me, I’d have a word with the music director and ask not to be placed with that child again next year.</p>
<p>Amen about the profuse apology. Busy parents can make errors, but it’s an awful mistake (at best) to leave others in the lurch when they have prepared for a performance. It doesn’t matter whether you value the performance or not; when you don’t show, you are demonstrating that you do not value the other human beings in the ensemble. As a singer/actor, committing this kind of sin (showing up late, not knowing my part) is literally my worst nightmare…it wakes me up now and then!</p>
<p>My main concern was for the impression it made on my son - if you’re a big shot who’s taking the SAT, it doesn’t matter if you let the group down. We did not see the parents at the music festival - just a message relayed that they were on the way and then the kid showed up as the performance was over (they played without her). </p>
<p>We’ve seen similar things happen around here, and it’s a good moment to teach your son that you can be smart without being THAT guy – and that being smart does not excuse you from acting like a decent human being, no matter how much the adults around here would appear to behave to the contrary. </p>
<p>Was that your son’s take-away, though? It could be a chance to learn that this is how it feels when someone leaves you in the lurch, so a decent person should try hard not to do it.</p>
<p>“We did not see the parents at the music festival” But you should have. They should have made a point of apologizing personally to each group member. That they did not do this makes it seem like they felt it wasn’t a big deal to them.</p>
<p>Or maybe they let the kid out of the car by the front door so she could try to race in and make it under the wire and they were busy looking for a parking space.</p>
<p>A “profuse” apology- never, ever would I do that. A simple apology from the heart always suffices. Well, maybe in the case of murder would more be required. Making too big a deal out of things- hopefully the parties involved (especially the adults) can move on.</p>
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<p>This is what rubs me the wrong way about the OP’s post. There is nothing wrong with a middle schooler taking the SAT, and it in no way implies that the kid is a “big shot”. The kid (and his parents) may be jerks, but there are thousands of other middle school kids taking the SAT who aren’t acting like jerks and stiffing their cohorts in another activity. You have a bee under your bonnet that not only did the kids and parents behave badly, but somehow it is worse because it was because of taking the SAT. The problem is manners and decency toward other people.</p>
<p>There are some people who are always overly optimistic about how quickly they can get from one place to another. It sounds like the offending family in this case may have thought they could make it.</p>
<p>A funny thing happened today . . . DS came home - long day - had to learn lots of new parts - big full wind ensemble travel music festival tomorrow and senior section leader just informed them that he won’t be there. Great reason - college audition at prestigious school. Could he have let them know sooner? Probably. Is his audition more important than the whole band at a festival? Definitely. Will DS rise to the occasion, learn parts and rock it and be better for the experience? Definitely. </p>
<p>S**t happens in performing arts and the show must go on. 
Get used to it because this is just the start. </p>