@Altras I know you jest, but we visited schools where kids looked like they had all walked off the pages of the same, expensive clothing catalog, where kids ignored custodial staff and other “help” as they walked by, where legacies were treated like minor royalty, and where only the students receiving financial aid did their own laundry…
(Also: You can really see and feel the difference between schools that are 44 percent kids of color and those that are 80-90 percent White)
It always comes back to laundry on this thread, doesn’t it? In an odd way, it’s very comforting.
I’m fully aware that I failed my kids the minute I signed them up for BS laundry service and the repercussions are still being felt today.
I just shared the sweetest meme about laundry on a family group chat after one kid ( boldly ) asked if he could bring home his laundry for Christmas.
Unfortunately, his father saw the request before I did and fired off a blistering all cap response- which didn’t exactly capture the Spirit of Christmas ( IMHO ). The gist was something like : We just saw your laundry at Thanksgiving!
The meme that followed said :
Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you, but you know who’s always there for you?
Laundry.
Laundry will always be there for you.
Anyway- IDK about you, but for me, no truer words have ever been spoken. Merry, Merry and Happy New Year!
We were full pay. Our kids didn’t have laundry service. How would anyone know who had laundry service and who didn’t based on a visit or two?
Has anyone seen the meme with a pile of laundry decked out with Xmas lights to look like a tree? How’s that for holiday spirit?
@doschicos: I suspect there are more full pay kids WITHOUT laundry service (like your kids) than there are full FA kids with it, no? (Our school has no laundry service for anyone. A great, non-equine equalizer.)
I wouldn’t count on that, really. The full FA students at my kids’ boarding school are given many amenities to help equalize them to some degree - computers, a monthly allowance, a clothing allowance, transportation costs for them and parents. I don’t know exactly how laundry is treated but I wouldn’t assume it isn’t paid for as part of full FA. I don’t think one can assume that.
^^ I am with @doschicos on this. If accessibility is important to the school, then FA funds are used to ensure that the opportunities are the same. Everything from tech to travel to activities with additional fees. Our school makes all kids work on campus as its equalizer. DS had a job laundering sports uniforms! Still shocks me…
With that said, there are schools that have a strong sense of privilege and are more wHite than others.
Btw, POC #s typically need more investigation. Asians, who make up the majority of international students and are often a decent sized cohort at BS, are often counted as POC. Some schools report POC only for domestic students. And regardless, nobody wants to be a token. If this matters to you (it did to us!), dig deeper at any school you are considering to learn more. It may or may not be as diverse as it’s numbers suggest, and if it is, it may not be inclusive. All of this takes a lot of work - continously.
FWIW, the FA students we talked to at different schools expressed gratitude for the school’s generosity but said their FA “allowances” were modest and made it awkward or difficult if you belonged to (or wanted to be a part of) friend groups that liked to order food in often or eat at nicer restaurants on town runs. I don’t remember hearing about laundry service subsidies for FA kids. In schools that offer laundry service, it tends to be seen as an optional luxury for those who can afford to opt out of doing their own, though I’d love to hear about exceptions.
I know @GoatMama has been very forthcoming about both how incredibly generous her daughter’s school has been with financial aid … and how high her credit card bills have been from the kid ordering food in with friends, lol! She hasn’t said whether the school covers that credit card bill or subsidizes laundry expenses, however.
I agree with that. There are lots of ways income disparities come out.
Some schools have more outlets for this (like dorm feeds and eating out.)
Girls (including FP) at our school liked to see how little they could spend on fancy dress affairs so haunted consignment shops and passed around dresses. A friend whose D was at a nearby school was forking out $$$ for every one of these events. I liked their frugality and creativity. (Loved that they chose school buses for transport to the prom so they could have a longer party!) Because these are the choices we all (or most of us!) will make IRL.
But comparing vacations, etc. or who needs merit or meets full need college still makes these things bubble up, even when they are "invisible " in daily life. To me, it’s important that kids can talk about this without shame or judgement.
FWIW when we visited Emma we saw free laundry DIY with free detergent provided to all…this seemed to make it easier for the students to do laundry more ofteN. We know schools where your FA includes a laundry card. A friend’s son did get bedding provided at school and a stipend for a warm coat at his school. Like @gardenstategal mentioned we have seen kids be very creative in finding in clothing choices and finding the best deals. We have seen kids sharing clothes all the time. The comparisons ( eg vacations, concerts, restaurants) mentioned above are most visible via Instagram or Snap.
My kids, full pay, had less monthly allowance than full FA students when they were there.
For the vast majority, there will always be students that have more, who can order out more, who will spend more on clothes, fancy vacations, etc. Same thing happens at many public schools, too, BTW. And college. You learn that you live within your means and don’t “keep up with the Joneses”, even when full pay. Such is life.
Some kids, yes, you know they are wealthy but there are a lot of students where you can’t make assumptions about where one falls on a socio-economic spectrum or you’ll wind up being wrong a lot. 
Shame and judgement can cut both ways. My son orders out a couple times each weekend and uses the laundry service. Is he a pillar of white privilege? He went to public school K-8, where he was in the minority. Most of his friends (by unconscious choice) were low income…and he never cared or noticed. Truth is, the only times he’s ever seen life through the lens of inequality is when he has been ridiculed for his (or more accurately, his parents’) socioeconomic position.
As a person who grew up with very little and forged the path to a current life of “privilege”, I never held a grudge against or felt lesser than any person at school that had more than me. I had to pass on opportunities that others could afford and hear about the amazing experiences that other kids were able to enjoy. But I never resented others or personally felt lesser as a result. I either accepted the difference or took note of how I wanted work hard to have such opportunities later in life.
It’s not about who orders out, who does their own laundry and where a person spent their vacation, but do they share a common respect for each other and can they share their experiences (grand or simple) without being judged (both ways). Now if we are only talking about judgmental wealthy kids who mistake their parents’ wealth and position for their own and as something to be flaunted, then I agree with avoiding those types (and schools that are defined by them). But I did not personally observe such schools during our touring/interviewing. Those elements will no doubt exist at many/most schools, but that is no different than most institutions in life.
Ummm, as well they should, because they are.
If what you are really saying is that schools should be more transparent about their URM number, I’m sure there’s a petition on change dot org that you can sign.
I think it is interesting to note the broad range of laundry options from quarters and cards, to full service for a fee… to free/DIY w/detergent included like at Emma & Thacher.
Yep. Seems like most threads lead to discussions about laundry.
This may be school specific, but when I was in HS, most groups tended to choose options which were affordable by all. The group that wanted to go for dinner at Menton or L’Espalier (and that group did exist) are really not the kids you want to get in with, unless you’re a social climber. The rest of us were all happy to order in pizza or eat at the local hamburger joint.
Yes, @skieurope, that’s what I meant. Some schools provide POC % for domestic students. All break out international students. But when it’s not explicit, it can be misleading. Especially for AA students.
My point is that few schools are doing this as well as they portray.
Regarding race, we didn’t look at schools thru the lenses of race. Just wasn’t an issue for us as a family. We have many friends from various races and cultural backgrounds. I would be horrified if my kids took issue with someone’s race being a factor in anything.
My kiddo noticed someone wearing very expensive sneakers (YSL) or something. After looking them up, discovered they were $700 or something. But apparently the student is nice. So really who cares. It was a good eye opener of extreme wealth/status.
@calimex Why would someone else’s clothing ( a la coming from a catalog) bother you? My kids would wear athletic wear all day long every day would that bother you or would that meet your criteria? And speaking to staff, some kids are naturally gregarious and some are not. Kids should say hello to all. But not all do. We went to NC on vacation and people all spoke to you in stores. Was very different than where we live. But all good. I think respecting all people is what matters. There is no one utopian school where kids are all nice and kind and the rest where kids are rich and snooty. Just not grounded in reality.
@altras I am totally with you. I don’t believe in the concept of privilege since we are all privileged in the US compared to the rest of the world and there are paths from any place to any other. Just find someone who grew up poor and now has money. My kids would counter those argument of “privilege” with actual stories from my life. Facts of what happened as I was growing up. It was pretty rough in that neighborhood and still is. More excuses do not produce better results only anger on both sides which is not what society needs. We have raised our kids to be doers, to look at people’s hearts ( not their skin color or bank accounts). My oldest has 3/4 friends of a different race though I just thought of it now. They are people not X,Y, or Z color.
^^ I get what you are saying because i too have not really registered race. What I have learned from my AA friends is that it is the essence of white privilege to be color blind. And this was conveyed to me very respectfully but with a “you just don’t get how irritating it is to hear you say that” way. Because for them, race plays into all kinds of things in their day to day life.
So it did matter to me that my kid might be able to have his friends open his eyes to that. I wanted him to have nice friends but hoped they might introduce him to some other realities.
@gardenstategal I would always be wary of any argument that undermines another’s point of view by turning the definition on itself. In debate this is not allowed for obvious reasons. Most of these type of arguments try to cut the counter points by attacking the other rather defining why their argument matters.
You can’t discuss things if you shut the other side down and try to frame them into what you believe is true. And yes, I don’t believe in “white privilege” either. I don’t believe in any privilege at all. Trying to put people in box based on something which they have no control over (race), isn’t my idea of a good argument. As I mentioned hate and division isn’t my idea of harmony and progress. I’m teaching my kids to look at people’s hearts not their race or bank accounts.
My kid attended a middle school with kids of different nationalities and races in which whites were a small minority. When you grow up in an environment interacting with such a broad range of people, it can feel jarring to suddenly be in a place where everyone looks and dresses the same, surrounded by people who might think their way of life is the “norm” because it is all they have seen or experienced.