Hi all,
Well, our 9th grade DS has been at school 3,000 miles away for 11 weeks now. It was great going back for Parent’s Weekend, but honestly we just miss him SO much. I know the Thanksgiving Holiday is right around the corner, but I am beginning to wonder if BS is right for our family . . . it is very hard for me not to think about him 24/7 and not to get upset when we don’t speak daily. He has had a bit of a bumpy start (an a non-communicative adviser), which further exacerbate our feelings. There has been a few days when we did not communicate via text or phone, and those days just tore me apart. I am so used to KNOWING what is going on in his life, that this feeling of NOT KNOWING is very difficult for my husand and myself.
Does anyone have any recommendations on how to deal with this? Maybe some communication tips? How do we let go? Aside from self-medicating, that is!
It’s very hard. The main thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that my children are happy, happier than they would be here. But I suggest NOT communicating as much. I’ll bet that the less you hear from him, the happier he is.
And remember you haven’t really known everything that has gone on in his life since the first moment he was separated from you in preschool or whenever…
I’ll echo what twinsmama said. Less communication unless your child wants it. Mine has said, a few times, that he feels guilty not calling home very much. As much as I miss him (I cried my way through this morning’s dog walk), I know that the less I hear from him, the busier and happier he is. This is about his experience, not mine. If we hear from him once I week, I’m thrilled.
@doschicos, my husband is going LOVE that idea–funny that you write this as we actually just had this discussion, --clearly it did not go far.
Other thoughts on communication frequency? I am feeling not as bad about our 3x a week agreement now. Interesting to know that it runs the gamut; I know one mom who is getting up every morning at 4:30 PST to speak with her child!
I think it depends on the kid. DD communicates frequently with updates about what she is doing - texts daily, calls & skypes. DS - the complete opposite! We had the “weekly call” discussion with him at Parent’s weekend and usually Sunday is a good day for everyone. We have a family group text that he participates in also - just random updates & pics.
It is definitely a big adjustment going from knowing everything to constantly checking my phone hoping for a snippet of information! I think the transition is harder for the parents than the kids…
I have a 9th and 10th grader at different schools and although I could handle it ok last year, having two gone is tough. The 10th grader texts a couple of days a week and if I need it (or she does) we will have one quality call a week. She is so fun to talk with. The 9th grader has gone rogue. Completely off the grid unless she needs something. Ugh. I am simply chalking it up to a ful schedule and not great time management skills with a good amount of social confidence. I will let her settle in a bit more and hopefully she will settle in/down by the spring. Btw, my 10th grader is coaching me. She is clear that is only because her younger sister is overwhelmed and just getting her bearings. I think she is right.
Every parent deals with this issue; I have been through it from multiple perspectives and I don’t know if there is an overall solution. I know of one thing that definitely does not work: doing nothing. If you carry one with your life as before, you will never stop noticing that your student is no longer there. You will suffer and your student will know that. Neither of you benefits. So what to do? The new puppy angle makes sense. Maybe a real new puppy or a new work or creative project. I think perhaps the best tactic is to refresh one’s relationship with your spouse if you have a spouse and/or your other children if you have them or how about those friends you have missed but never had time to see? Suddenly, you may well have more time and energy to devote to those dates, trips, talks and quiet times that were put off when the household was larger, louder and more frantic. In short, perhaps the best remedy is to give yourself permission to enjoy your new phase of life (which does not mean not loving your boarding schooler less, apologies for the double negative). Being a happy parent helps the child. @choatiemom has some good comments on this subject in other threads.
On the subject of communication, as others above have mentioned, it depends on the kid. I have one who never ever initiates calls or texts; another is in touch several times daily. I go with the rhythms they set, unless there’s something urgent to discuss. One practice that keeps me happy - care packages. I put a lot of love and time in pulling these together - treats and surprises and little in-jokes. These worked way back in my day when I received them and they still work now. I know when these parcels arrive - suddenly my phone is dinging non-stop.
Hang around here… my addiction to CC Prep School forums is a placeholder for not being with my kid. The first year we texted all day, we were very close. This year changed considerably. Now I don’t initiate contact as much, it just back fires all over me as only a teenager can alienate their parents with such deadly precision…uggghhh… I know eventually there will be a nice balance. In the mean time they know where to find me. I’m playing the long game.
One had only a season of trying to reach out in three-plus years, the other texts mother a few times a week, with the occasional call. There is a boy/girl difference, from what I can tell. And I suspect that the shock of setting off first in ninth grade (older sibling, esp.), creates a complex psychic calculus. ~" I’m supposed to be independent, let’s see how far to take this, what did they expect? Can’t believe I gave up comforts of home, better not let them know I feel that way. So much to get done, no time for calling, especially since there’s no way to explain all this in five minutes."
He is in the limo as I type on route back to school.
Typing “in the limo” sounds so incongruous, given that I just mopped our floor here at home.
Miss him already–we had a wonderful break.
NEW CONTACT PLAN (and this is exactly how we laid it out!):
Sunday AM= LONG LENGTH CALL
T/TH Bedtime=SHORT CALL (e.g., absolute exhaustion, just barely able to say goodnight call)
F evening=MEDIUM CALL (yes, this may disrupt gaming in the Student Activities Center but I don’t care)
Thought I’d give him Saturday off with games and all.
Texts: I showed him my “stilted mama” one-sided text chain with him and he was actually, well, apologetic! I have confidence that texting will improve, given his viewing of his sorry text history with me.
Now who wants to wager a bet how long this will last?
LOL, my husband’s wage is that we will get 1/2 of this from him and we will be happy with a 50% participation deal. . . The old “Ask for more than what ye shall receive” theory.
Daughter made 1~2 short calls per week during 3 weeks long summer residential program. We knew that she was having lots of fun and the school assured us that they will call us if there is any problem, i.e. daughter missing, etc. So it was fine.
