MIT Submitted Essay Samples

Colleges and Universities A-Z Massachusetts Institute of Technology
1

<p>Couple days ago, I submitted my MIT essays. Ever since, I have been wondering how well they were written. My writings are based on hints of what others told me: be honest, write in interesting style (active style), and elaborate on personal experiences. I really hope that I did all the elements listed in my writing. Nevertheless, I want to get feedback on some of these essays (and maybe read essays from other applicants) from the College Confidential community. </p>

<p>We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do simply for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer) </p>

<p>Every Saturday and Sunday, I join the monks of the Holy Transfiguration Monastery to form beautiful harmonies of Byzantine acapella. "Every earthly care," as the Cherubikon suggests merges with the ancient Byzantine notes or neumes that transcends me into a world of euphoria, alleviated of all worries and earthly cares. And that one note, when the three chords join, my thoughts experience an exotic sensation, for hours it seems I meditate on memories; memories of old and memories of new, slowly awakening from slumber and collectively recording a multidimensional memory of chords. </p>

<p>Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250)</p>

<p>The cheap disposable camera lying on the shelves of an antiquated electronics store, Zeniti, in Tbilisi. A massive 20 kilogram television with crank dials was perched on top of my grandfather's shelf. Ten meters away, the same device (so it seemed) but black, played in color. It seemed that everything entertaining or memorable from my childhood yielded from these magical objects. It was to both my dismay and amazement when I first saw these magical objects distort into ("weird") green boards with golden lines connecting geometric shapes. Regardless, I still thought it was magic, perhaps not powered by the sphinx feather, as I had previously thought, but rather some sort of spectacular golden pipes. Pipes? I questioned myself again and again, I paused and asked myself again, Pipes? What is flowing through those pipes? It certainly could not be water, as I had seen around our house. It had to be some sort of invisible matter that was triggered by the geometric shapes, similar to the water which was triggered by the faucets.
As I drifted from Georgia to the USA, I began working on more complex personal projects derived solely from fabrication of prior devices and recognition of improvement. No matter where I go, I am determined to trigger this engineering mindset: to observe improvement. Ultimately, through experience, I have found solace and hopefully an everlasting joy to the use and methods of engineering. </p>

<p>Thanks guys!!!!</p>

2

<p>First one too literary (flowy, overly descriptive, a bit confusing).
Second one too literary in the beginning, a bit trite at the end.</p>

<p>Try to cut down on use of thesaurus.com…or at least make it sound like you’re not using it. xD</p>

<p>Remember you’re writing an essay, not a book. Extensive use of vocabulary for vocabulary’s sake isn’t going to be very effective. :\ It’s in the MIT blogs somewhere, too lazy to link, that it should be a rule to “never use a more difficult word when a simpler one will do” (or something like that) on the app essay.</p>

3

<p>@Sacrifize thanks for your reply. I thought it had to be too flowy, to show experience and personality through the active voice. Regarding the vocab, I didn’t use thesaurus, those words were genuinely what I came up with, or thought about and then came up with. </p>

<p>Honestly, even with the mistakes, do you think it is MIT level or even Ivy level??</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

4

<p>@Sacrifize- the quote is from Orwell’s essay Politics and the English Language; I highly recommend reading it (if you haven’t already).
@ddeisadz- I actually really liked your first essay, even though a few words are misused. I think your second essay is somewhat hard to follow. What actually happened to your grandfather’s TV (and did you fix it)? What ‘complex personal projects’ did you build? What kind of improvement did you observe? Even after reading the essay, I’m not really sure how your world connects to your dreams and aspirations. Just my two cents as a fellow applicant :wink:
P.S. I wrote my essays on some of the same topics, and posted a version of them on here a while back. Feel free to comment. <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/massachusetts-institute-technology/1570152-care-comment-my-mit-essays.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/massachusetts-institute-technology/1570152-care-comment-my-mit-essays.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

5

<p>@NipTheMushroom I think your essays are fine, they follow a story-line, that’s also what I tried to do. The second essay, I use the TV and the camera as descriptors or influencors to technology, I later talk about these magical green boards, which I meant them to be circuits. So the essay is mainly about how I found my inspiration: from seeing all this technology lying and then suddenly seeing a circuit. Unfortunately, I was approaching the word limit, so I could not explain in detail, I really do hope that the counselor glance at my activities sheet.
What other schools are you applying to??</p>

6

<p>Oh, I didn’t realize you were talking about circuit boards – that makes sense. In that case I don’t think ‘distort’ is the word you’re looking for. ‘Reveal’, maybe?</p>

<p>So far I’ve been deferred by MIT and gotten in to UMich, and I’m applying to Harvard, Pinceton, Cornell and Hopkins regular. How about you?</p>

7

<p>Eh, I’m not saying it’s bad to be flowy/overly descriptive, my bad if I gave that impression. xD</p>

<p>I’m just saying that with the word limit you’ve got, every word counts. And if you’re being too descriptive, there are words that could be better used elsewhere. They want to learn about YOU. A brief description of your surroundings suffices - move on to how those surroundings affect you.</p>

<p>Also, response #9 on NipTheMushroom’s thread is pretty accurate (not with regards to your essays, but with regards to essays in general).</p>

8

<p>Wish I could proofread my essays one more time, I hope the counselors get the hint that its a circuit board. </p>

<p>I’m applying to MIT, Harvard, Princeton, Brown, Cornell, BU, Northeastern, Tufts, John Hopkins, and WPI. </p>

<p>Which one is your top school?</p>

9

<p>@sacrifize I hope being too “flowery” doesnt decrease the value of the essay. I thought it had to be really flowy because I looked up essays from previously admitted students and their essays sounded pretty fluid and really nice. So I decided to sit and find phrases that fit in the sentence. I tried to relay as much info about me as possible. Thanks for the advice.</p>

10

<p>Haha, well take my words with a grain of salt, since I’m not an admissions officer. :stuck_out_tongue:
Either way, what’s done is done, and now I recommend enjoying rest of senior year/prepping for competitions like me (I REALLY want to make a camp…although that is 99.9% ain’t happening)
I was admitted MIT EA; applying to a couple of Ivies during RD.</p>

11

<p>I’m definitely no expert, but I agree with the posts above. With MIT’s fairly short word limits, you’ve gotta make every word count. Using a descriptive anecdote is okay, and can be a great attention getter, but not the focus of your essay. And all that critique aside, I really liked your essays… They are way more interesting than the load of crap I wrote for MIT.
@Sacrifize - really off-topic, but what’s the camp? Not USACO by any chance, is it?</p>

12

<p>^Nop, don’t worry about competition from me :3 I suck at compsci haha</p>

13

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<p>A key to effective writing is to write in such a way that your readers know what you are talking about. After all, writing is all about communication. I don’t think your essays communicate very well.</p>

14

<p>@SoCalDad2 I know that your reply is a method of constructive criticism, however I disagree. I think my essays are not perfect but they really descriptively answer the questions. I also think that the phrase, “It was to both my dismay and amazement when I first saw these magical objects distort into (“weird”) green boards with golden lines connecting geometric shapes.” should be self explanatory. I just don’t know the way everyone thinks, I tried my best to relay my personality, its probably a bad excuse but I think the structure and diction of my essays are unique, since English is my second language.</p>

15

<p>@ddeisadz - </p>

<p>Take my opinions with the tiniest grain of salt, since I’m just a stay-at-home-mom with nothing more than a high school diploma. </p>

<p>First essay: Beautifully moving and unique. Got me choked up during the first sentence. I feel it completely answered the prompt. </p>

<p>Second: I’m a total NOOB when it comes to STEM, but I had no trouble recognizing that you were describing a circuit board. </p>

<p>Finally, I never once thought that any of the words you used in either essay indicated use of thesaurus.com. </p>

<p>Bottom line: If MIT rejects you, it won’t be because of your amazing essays. :-D</p>

16

<p>Several years back I had a long conversation with an acquaintance who had worked in the MIT admissions office. When the topic turned to essays, I remember her describing the various and differing attributes that different “readers” look for. </p>

<p>It became clear to me how difficult it is to know what the specific 2-3 “readers” will be looking for when they read a given essay.</p>

17

<p>warmatebebi jigaro! konkurento!! :))))</p>