<p>Why'd you have to go?! Mitch was one of the greatest comedians of all time, such a clever witty man. This upset me to no end to hear that he died. RIP man, RIP.</p>
<p>Yes, this did suck :(.</p>
<p>One of the first comedians I really got into...</p>
<p>"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right."</p>
<p>"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."</p>
<p>"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under 'D'." </p>
<p>"Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree."</p>
<p>I've never seen this guy, at least I don't remember him, but that's some very funny stuff.</p>
<p>Such a Great Guy. Rest In Peace...</p>
<p>"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."</p>
<p>"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."</p>
<p>"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."</p>
<p>"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide." </p>
<p>"I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential." </p>
<p>"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill..."</p>
<p>"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in."</p>
<p>"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."</p>
<p>"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty."</p>
<p>"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."</p>
<p>"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."</p>
<p>"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." </p>
<p>"I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny."</p>
<p>"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."</p>
<p>"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy"</p>
<p>"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed"</p>
<p>"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..."</p>
<p>"It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."</p>
<p>"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."</p>
<p>"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."</p>
<p>"I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes."</p>
<p>"People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."</p>
<p>"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs."</p>
<p>"That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."</p>
<p>"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."</p>
<p>"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up."</p>
<p>"I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."</p>
<p>"I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen."</p>
<p>"Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets."</p>
<p>"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head." </p>
<p>"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."</p>
<p>"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?"</p>
<p>" I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly..."</p>
<p>"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."</p>
<p>"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."</p>
<p>I saw him live in NYC just two weeks ago. Shame</p>