Moved into college, think I made a mistake

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hi,
So today was move in day for freshmen and their dorms, and I am a freshman. I met my roommate, who seems like a nice guy, and did some of the activities for the day, and my dad was with me as well. However, the whole time from when I left to drive up to the campus I’ve been feeling really negative about the whole thing of going to this college, since it’s far from home, with all my friends left behind at home, in a campus that lives and breathes sports, which I can’t really say I ever cared much for. For these reasons, I feel alien here, and much like an outsider, leading me to feel like I made the wrong choice of where to go to college. My roommate is a decent enough guy, but I still feel lonely since we don’t have too much in common, and the close group of friends I had at home is something I will have a hard time finding here since everyone is so different from me. During the university president’s speech he was talking about us needing to remember how we felt today, excited and eager for what lies ahead. The only thing I seemed to feel today was homesickness, anxiety, nervousness, and loneliness. I just don’t know why I’m feeling the way I do, and I really miss my friends back home, since we are extremely tight. I’m supposed to be excited for this stuff, but all I’m getting is really negative emotions, which has led me to considering discontinuing my admission/ attendance here. The way I see it my options are:

-Give the school a chance and see what happens, but having to commit to at least the semester, which could be really cruddy, lonely, and rough to get through

-cancel my enrollment, and try to get into a school closer to home near friends, but possibly disappointing family in the process/ not even find a school. Not even sure if they would be okay with this one either, as I didn’t bother telling them any of this stuff

-tough the semester out and transfer to school closer to home if I still want to, but possibly have a poor 5 months of college to sit through if I truly don’t enjoy it here.

I just don’t know if going out of state was the right choice. I need help. I feel like cancelling my enrollment altogether would be overreacting, but I’m not sure if I’m really up for spending a semester here. I don’t want to disappoint my dad, who was psyched that I’m going here, and maybe I’m just overreacting to being homesick, as I’m a really sensitive person inside. I just don’t know what to do, and could really use some guidance, as the last chance to cancel is 3 days from now. What am I supposed to do, and what is the right thing to do?

John

2

It is your FIRST DAY. You aren’t going to have friends like you had at home, most of whom you have likely known for years. You are definitely overreacting. Trust me that not everyone on your campus is into sports (I went to a big sports school, and definitely knew people who weren’t interested in football games or basketball).

The right thing to do is to keep yourself busy. Get your books and find your classes. If someone invites you to dinner or to go to a campus event, go (or invite people on your hall that you think look friendly). Look for activities or clubs to join where you might meet people. Strike up conversations with people in classes – exchange contact info so you can get help on assignments or with questions. If you have spare time, get a part time job (often a good way to meet people). Put the thought of transferring completely out of your mind for now.

When you go home for winter break, after you have grades and a semester under your belt, you can think then about whether you should transfer. But for now, explore your campus, try to make friends, and do your best in your classes.

3

Yes, honestly, you are overreacting. :slight_smile:

It’s normal to feel anxious and out of place in a new environment, especially one different from your upbringing and far from home, where we don’t know anyone. Most of us have felt this way. Deep breaths and relax. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time - not hours or even days, but weeks and months.

Classes haven’t even started yet. Once you begin classes, things will feel more structured. Commit yourself to getting involved in activities that interest you and speak to you. Try several at least, more than you think you have time for. You can always drop ones if you don’t click with the mission of the group or the people but it is a great way to “find your people”.

Make an effort to greet people in your dorm, on the path, etc. Just be a friendly face that says hi. You’ll be amazed how much that simple gesture will enable you to connect with others.

Good luck! Chin up! Don’t give up. We’re here if you need us for a pep talk. :slight_smile:

4

Maybe you would like sports if you gave it a try. I’m a big sports fan but neither of my kids really are. One is at a D1 school and she goes to the games (sometimes) because that’s what everyone does. She knows nothing about it but puts on her school t-shirt and yells and when she’s tired of it goes home. The other daughter has picked up watching the NFL because her boyfriend likes it.

You had to like other things about the school when you picked it. It wasn’t like they hid that big football stadium when you were touring, so what else did you like about it? Go do that.

Are ‘all your friends’ going to the local college? If they are, you wouldn’t be in the same classes or bumping into each other all the time anyway. If they aren’t going to school, they’ll be working. You can’t keep high school going, you have to move on.

5

You’re overreacting. Give it a semester or two and then think about what you need to do to transfer if you’re still having a hard time adjusting. I had a hard time myself as a transfer student and almost went through transferring to University of California Irvine.

6

First, take a deep breath. You are ok. Everything is ok.

How you are feeling is completely normal and honestly, if the college president was a parent or a recent college freshman or a student himself, he’d have said, “You’re feeling many things today including feeling alone, maybe a bit frightened, like a fish out of water, unsure, overwhelmed and maybe already homesick…” But, he is still selling his school, so you didn’t hear those things. I guarantee you every freshman, athlete or not, is feeling exactly as you are.

I am an adult (went to college a hundred years ago) and I still keep in touch with my assigned roommate from freshman year who I had little to nothing in common with. She and I laugh today because it took 25 years for each of us to disclose to the other that we were both terribly homesick, sort of unhappy, scared and unsure the first month of college! We laugh because we were each keeping a “stiff upper lip” and acting like we had it all together when that couldn’t have been the furthest thing from the truth. We both say how sad it was that we didn’t confide in the other because we could have helped each other get through the transition. So remember, as you look around and it seems like others may not be feeling as you, don’t be fooled - most freshmen are. Homesickness is really normal and a very real feeling. But remember, that feeling doesn’t mean you should go home. It just means you are adjusting to a very new environment and experience.

Don’t even think about any other options other than what you need to do today to settle in and adjust. Then tomorrow focus on tomorrow and so on. Adjusting is a process and its going to take time. Focus on getting organized, finding your classes, having everything you need and just take it day by day. Work on getting through each day and day by day things will get easier and your college will start to feel normal and eventually will even feel like home. Remember, for most college freshmen this is the biggest transition you’ve ever made in your life. Its going to make you feel uneasy, scared and sometimes downright unhappy. But the thing is, in order to grow, that’s the process we have to go through.

Be friendly, be kind, be yourself and you will make friends. Smile. Don’t hide in technology - greet people, leave your door open and be open to everyone. Look for opportunities to help others. What can you join? Is there a club or an activity that might be a fit for you? You must have scoped these types of things as you selected this school.

Just remember the way you are feeling is ok, its normal and you are embarking on a really big change in your life. This is how the body and mind react. You’ve got this! You can do it! Believe in yourself and believe in the opportunities in front of you.

7

When my D went to college, something similar happened to her. She had specifically chosen a college that none of her friends from home was attending but when she got there, she found she missed them. She went to the counseling center, where she was told that she is not the first, the only or the last person to be homesick and question their choice. The advice she got was to find a person sitting alone at each meal, approach them and introduce herself and ask to join them. Sometimes, she was rebuffed but she also wound up making her very best friend at the school that way. She ultimately got a job on campus as an ambassador, became an RA and is a very happy and active alum. She still has her core group of HS friends as well and has even merged some of the two groups.

Give it a chance. Good luck.

8

Being apprehensive is normal. But try to reshape your thoughts to the excitement and opportunities at your school. Keep an open mind.

9

Every change in your life requires an adjustment period. Remember your excitement about being old enough to learn to drive? If you are honest with yourself, you might also recall some anxiety during that learning period. But hopefully you stuck with the driving lessons, got your license, and grew to be a better driver with daily practice.

Our culture seems to focus attention on the excitement of going away to college, and so freshmen arrive on campus and seem to be blindsided by the realities of daily life in a new environment.

You may not have had to make new friends since preschool or kindergarten. And even then, your parents probably arranged all your interactions with other kids. So, maybe you don’t have a clue how to go about making friends in a sea of strangers who all seem so different.

You are more than just a kid from XYZ hometown in a faraway state. You have lots of interests, and there are people living in your dorm that share some of your interests. It is your job today to reach out and try to find people who share some of your interests.

But just like dating, you will have to endure a good number of mismatches before you find “your tribe” of people. And that is normal too. So take whatever offers for social interaction you can get these first few weeks. Eating with someone is better than eating alone. If you realize you are not compatible with your lunch buddy, you can still ask questions about the campus or dorm and maybe learn something helpful.

My kids tell me you should always exchange phone numbers the first time you meet someone on campus who might be compatible with you. This lets you text to offer to meet up at dining hall or invite to a movie. Same with classes, you will want to collect numbers to be able to form study groups.

Best way to get over yourself and your feelings is to serve others. The college will most likely provide a service project, or you can search for service clubs during the orientation fair where all the clubs have booths. It seems easier to talk while you have something productive to do with your hands. And after a long day of working, it would be more natural to suggest going out to eat.

Wear tshirts that proclaim your inner nerd/geek/goth or whatever interests you. I promise that will attract attention from others who share your interest.

Good luck to you. This is going to be an exciting adventure, and you want to be able to have experiences that will help you feel more grounded in your new home.

My D used the phrase “I can’t wait to head back home” after being at my home during Christmas break from college. To her, her home was at college, her friends were her family, and she missed being with them. I hope that you can adjust to seeing your campus as your home in the coming months.

10

My daughter felt the same as you last year with very similar concerns about her choice, her friends (they all went to colleges close to our hometown too!). Neither was she into sports and she was at this sports focused school. One thing she recognized is that orientation events were not comfortable for her–they felt artificial to her. Once orientation activities were well past awn she delved into the day to day work load it became easier to acclimate. I think it may have taken a bit longer than 1 semester–it could have been well into the second semester when it creeped up on her how much she loved her school. She can’t get back fast enough for sophomore year. Also, she was open minded and tried new things-- found that she enjoyed the football games and some of the traditional chants made her laugh. Her approach was to tackle each day as it came. Friends were naturally made through the heavy course load and work projects.

11

Such great, great advice here, and the message is the same:

  • your feelings are normal and reasonable
  • 100% there are other people around you feeling exactly the same way
  • it takes time to build a new life

Give yourself a chance. Transitions are tough, and this is a big one

12

Don’t decide until you start classes and see how they go. The beauty of college is that you can make it what you want. Study hard, get a good GPA, and graduate and get a good job.

Too much focus is on having fun and growing up in college. That will happen, but you don’t need to force it.

And if you feel this way in two weeks, many colleges offer free counseling. It’s good to know they have support foot students who have a tough time, for whatever reason.

13

Thanks guys, I see that cancelling enrollment is definitely out of the question, and that I need to give this place a chance. Sorry for being so dramatic, as like I said I tend to overreact to things like this. Gonna tough it out and maybe end up liking for at least one semester, and I plan on staying out of my dorm as much as possible for now, because for some reason that seems to be where homesickness hits the hardest. Cancelling felt like a cowardly thing to do anyways, so this puts my conscience at ease.

14

I went to college in the dinosaur era, and I can still remember(and feel) my emotions as I watched my dad’s car drive away from campus. It hit me that I was all alone, and I did not know a soul on campus. But I survived and even enjoyed my college experience.

No one can prepare you for the onslaught of emotions, but knowing it is a normal part of the adjustment process might ease your anxiety.

15

I think you win a prize for earliest “did I make a mistake” post, in terms of days you have been there. My D goes to a pretty sporty school and has zero interest in sports. She was full of doubt and had to tough it out. Bu Tgiving, we knew she would be ok. Go to as many activities as yiu are comfortable with, and just take it a day at a time. You would be be unwise to back out on the first day. And your paretns would agree.

16

Feelings are transient and never discrete one time experiences. What you are feeling is completely normal. Transitions come with both the positive emotions you believe you should be having and the painful ones you were experiencing when you wrote your original post. Accepting that you have these feelings is a big first step. It is likely that if you can focus on the positives such as why you chose this school, why you want to study your major, etc that will help. Take actions to foster positive social functioning. Be patient but active. Read some of @bopper posts of lists of advice for academic and social success. You can do this. (Know that feelings come and go, my own daughter, a successful rising college junior, was on the phone with me today teary and expressing doubts, it’s okay, feelings are). Leaving home for the first time comes with progress toward adulthood but also loss of the childhood life that you have just left. You can’t go back. Even with your best of friends, it won’t be the same now that you’ve all left and gone to college.

17

You rang? Advice for academic success:

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1920853-college-is-a-step-up-from-hs-16-tips-on-doing-well-in-college-p1.html