Moving when youngest is in college

<p>We’re planning to move when the youngest one goes to college but she has told me she loved our city and she thought it’s a great place to raise kids. It tugged at my heart a little bit when I heard that.</p>

<p>I hope when your child has some issue that is upsetting to them for whatever reason, seahorses, that you handle it with equal sensitivity and aplomb.</p>

<p>I agree w Seahorses-- the kid sounds like a self-centered brat. The kid accepts that it is OK for him to go off to school to have new experiences, but everyone else is supposed to freeze their lives???</p>

<p>I told my girls when they went to college we were going to redo their rooms. They were like cool just box our stuff and all we need is a bed. They are just thrilled to see us regardless of where and how.</p>

<p>I stand by my opinion. A grown man should not cry over his parents moving. And a sophmore in college is a grown man.</p>

<p>A college soph is 19-20 years old. There are “boys” that age fighting in Afghanistan.</p>

<p>GMTplus7: </p>

<p>The hierarchy of 19/20 year old males is inconsequential when addressing this post.</p>

<p>OP, I think your son’s sadness over your move is testament to the great life you have given him so far. There are a lot of kids who go off to college (or join the Army, or…) and never look back. It is natural for this to be an emotional decision for him too. You should definitely buy your dream house, but it might be nice if you could involve him in a way that helps him feel connected to it. Maybe let him invite a bunch of friends over for a get together after the move? Have him help his dad build a deck, plant some trees, paint a room? You get the idea. :)</p>

<p>Everyone processes (then moves on) in a different way. Our son, often know as “Heart of Sleeve Boy” copes with everything out loud. He says what he feels at the moment (in our household) and in the saying of it depressurizes and copes with his feelings. He likes to talk things out. That means that the first blurted position is not where he will end up on something - we just get to hear the messiness of it. Our daughter does the processing internally so she might seem calmer and less mercurial because we don’t see the flailing.</p>

<p>Merry - I get it. It’s the notion of the change. My s just asked me if we were going to turn his room into something else when he went to college and where would he sleep? We have a big house, we certainly don’t need that room for anything and there isn’t another child eyeing his space. </p>

<p>I happen to think the transition from child to adult can be anxiety provoking and it can be a time of pushing and pulling and wanting that safety net of the comfort of “home”. By no means am I saying don’t move, I’m just saying I get his feelings.</p>

<p>My parents moved when I was exactly the same age, and I didn’t even have a room in the next place. He will learn as he goes that you all will always be on the lookout for him and will always make room for him.</p>

<p>He’ll also see as he goes along that his fears of change will require some adjustments but they won’t be that big of a deal.</p>

<p>I’m a parent who validates my childs feelings, but it doesn’t mean you don’t make the best decision for yourself.</p>

<p>sally305:</p>

<p>You’re fairly spot on with your assessment of my son’s reaction. He’s not demanding we NOT move and my post may not have relayed that clearly. He’s upset about the change in his life. WOW! An egocentric teen. There’s an oddity. </p>

<p>And this is a kid who has worked and paid his way for years, taking on opportunities galore to further his own path and is a “sleeve wearer” when something strikes him as a problem. He voiced his opinion, we listened and then he got an abbreviated class in real estate and striking when the iron’s hot.</p>

<p>And we have moved on. </p>

<p>I certainly appreciate the child who turns on a dime, says “Cya…” to their family and is gone without a blink. They have a personality that contains an innate trait of a trail blazer. Bravo to them…</p>

<p>We need both types in this world IMO.</p>

<p>When my parents decided to sell our childhood home and move across the country, my youngest brother who was then a senior in college begged them not to do so. He LOVED the house and wanted to live in it forever and ever. (He was going to college 500 miles away and stayed in college area for his first job.) They sold it anyway.</p>

<p>Several years later brother moved back to home town for a job. A year or so later he was looking to buy a house and just coincidently, our childhood home was on the market. He could afford it, but did he buy it? NO! He had a long list of reasons why that house was not for him. </p>

<p>I understand OP’s son not being happy with change (change that was not his idea) but he’ll get used to it. OP needs to do what’s right for her and her H and buy THE house. Enjoy it! (without guilt)</p>

<p>We are going through something very similar in our household. But I disagree very strongly with the “spoiled brat” banter that is being spouted in this thread.</p>

<p>These are sensitive kids who feel a great deal of love and attachment for the environment that they were brought up in. For my youngest, change has always been incredibly hard. It’s just how he is wired. But it doesn’t make him a spoiled brat to want to have us continue living here. He sees his older sibling come home from college for the summer – enjoying the perks of seeing all of his friends and a local job. He wants the same thing but is most likely not going to get it that way. So he feels like he’s being robbed. It makes me feel very sad for him. But he will adjust and come out stronger because of it.</p>

<p>But to say he is a bad person because he is experiencing these feelings is COMPLETELY WRONG!!</p>

<p>I love my kids and will do all I can to help them be happy, independent adults. Unless it was necessary I wouldn’t have moved them while they were in High School, however, once they had moved on I wouldn’t feel compelled to stay in the area they grew up in. I can understand children being surprised, sad, disappointed etc. with a parent’s decision to move but they should also be understanding, excited for them and grateful for all that has been done. Parents spend at least 18 years making decisions based on what is best for their children. After they have moved on I believe it’s time to do what is best for you and do it guilt free. It doesn’t mean you love them any less it merely means that it is time you refocus on your future. Your children’s future is their’s to make. Good luck.</p>

<p>I have friends going through the same thing – trying to sell the big house now while rates are low but son (rising HS senior) is depressed at the thought of moving away from friends he’s known all his life. When I first read OP’s post, I felt like she needed support to forge ahead, and I still feel that, but I also agree with all who said S needs a moment for mom to register his sadness. It is real. This is big for him – his home is his anchor. </p>

<p>We’ll be doing the same thing 1-2 years from now. I’ve been showing S’14 pics of houses we’re considering, always with some “cool” feature (pool, hot tub) so he’ll see himself enjoying the new place, not just mourning the loss of what’s familiar. Get him psyched about the new place and it will help him adjust.</p>

<p>Some families move a lot, and houses are like a commodity to them — buy/sell, “home is wherever you are,” etc. Some families live on the farm for generations, and to have it taken by eminent domain is as emotionally devastating as a death in the family. I’ve known older people who died within weeks after having to move out of their longtime homes for no good reason other than a broken heart. I happen to belong to one of the “family farm” camp and can totally understand the grief that many experience with losing a childhood home. One of my close friends has never had any such attachment to a home; his homes have just been assets. Neither of us can understand the other’s position. Neither way is “bad” – just different.</p>

<p>Someone mentioned that “boys” his age are in Afghanistan. Speaking of soldiers, I have known a number of WWII veterans who said that what kept them going during the war was their desire to get things done and get back to the family farm. I know three veterans, still living, who came home from the war, went right back to the family farm, and have never left. Even the bravest among us need a rock.</p>

<p>All being said, you own the home and you need to make the best decision for you. Your son, with your support, will find a way to adjust and keep going.</p>

<p>I’m fairly young, but I’ve lived in about 12 to 15 different houses throughout my life. When I was younger and in elementary school or middle school and would have to move many times (I went to 5 or 6 different elementary schools and 3 middle schools) I would throw a huge fit just like the OP’s son - so I’m really not one to talk. I resisted, but it really was futile - you can’t stop the inevitable. So I ended up making the move, I survived, and I had moved on. By the time I was in my teens, moving was really nothing more than an annoyance to me. I made new friends every year - most of them would move away after a few years or I would move away myself. Honestly, I can’t remember holding on to friends for more than 3 or 4 years at the max. But you know what? This helped me as a person - I have better social skills than most people I know.</p>

<p>When you hang around the same people your entire life, your thoughts and feelings stagnate. You’re in a bubble, so to speak. You don’t get any outside ideas, you don’t get any outside views, any outside experiences. It’s just the same ideas, thoughts, views, and experiences recycled around in the same bubble. This isn’t good for anybody intellectually or emotionally. This stagnation of intellectual stimulation are the reasons why things like one-sidedness, stubbornness, and lack of tolerance for other people’s cultures and beliefs occur. Interacting with new people gives people more empathy and a greater tolerance for people’s race, ethnicity, sexual and gender identities, religion (and lack thereof), and so on - something that is tragically absent in WAY too many people’s minds today.</p>

<p>Yeah, my moves were rough the first few times they happened, but in the end, it hardened me up and made me less resilient to the numerous changes that have occurred to me and the world as well as the numerous changes that are bound to occur to me and the world. I no longer whine or get upset when changes happen - because I know it’s pointless. If the world moves on and I try to stay stuck in the past, it’s just going to end badly for me. </p>

<p>The OP’s son shouldn’t really be faulted for being upset - it’s probably his first major change. Yeah, physically he’s an adult, but he hasn’t experienced the hardships that will make him an adult mentally and emotionally. This is the first of many to come - and although it’ll seem frustrating now, in the end it’ll all work out. Over time he will learn that it’s pointless to try and resist these changes, and instead of dwelling and the past and whining about what could have been, he’ll learn how to adapt to these changes and use these changes to make him a better person.</p>

<p>Really sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to say that I am a firm believer that change can be frustrating at first, but it’s good for everybody in the long-run. Life is FULL of changes, most of which you can’t really stop. So you might as well learn to go with the flow. :)</p>

<p>THANK YOU Rob1995!!! Wonderfully put and thoughtful. I’m going to print your post and show it to my son!</p>

<p>Rob1995:</p>

<p>You are so right many times over. I have faith my son will look back at this years down the road as nothing more than a direction change, certainly not life altering. And your comment pertaining to stagnation is so true and I can only hope his outlook and experiences broadens past his comfort zone. But if not, it is his life. </p>

<p>Some of us are sails and some of us are anchors…</p>

<p>One of my kid’s friend’s parents moved to first moved to the West Coast from the East Coast and then to Australia after she went to college. She certainly won’t be going home for any weekend visits.</p>

<p>One he’s is not a teen, he is a college sophomore, which means he is an adult. And two, his first reaction was not about parents, but how it would be a pain to see his friends. </p>

<p>And made mom feel even worse for wanting to make a change for the better.</p>

<p>I guess I wonder when we should expect young adults to start emotionally acting like the adult they are. And when to learn the world doesn’t revolve around their wants.</p>

<p>I too moved every 18months growing up. Yeah it was hard, but I as a child, knew it was what we had to do. At 6, at 7, at 8,three different middle schools, two different high schools. My girls changed schools. </p>

<p>I am sorry I offended, but jeesh, he is in college, that’s not a teen, and even calling him a teen, even if he is still19, is loe, excusing childish reactions. He can vote. He can go to war. He can get married. He cN sign a contract. Why is he allowed to do all Thpse things, yet isnt expected to see his parents needs and point of view, and instead acts like a child whining it may put him out a bit.</p>