<p>I've been a lurker for some time now and followed much of the advice from you wonderful music parents. This might be a bit off topic, but you all have given some great advice, so I'm going to ask it here: My son has been accepted to a large music program that is out of state and also to a much smaller music program that is at a top state school. I'm very grateful that he has a couple of choices with still a few more auditions to go. The thing is, his girlfriend got accepted to the state school as well. She's a great gal, but I don't want this to influence his decision. From a parent's perspective, what do you think are the pros and cons of going away to school with your boyfriend or girlfriend?</p>
<p>Which program suits your SON better and which did he gravitate to?
The boy is what, 17, 18? There is so very much to be gained by the entire college experience- discovering one’s independence, making new friends. If they head off to college together, they are limiting themselves in many ways. On the flip side, if you make an issue about it, they’ll no doubt insist upon staying together, but if you’re paying the bills, you have say in where he goes.
There have been threads about this in the Parent Forum and Parent Cafe too, if you want to check over there to read them.</p>
<p>If he sees himself really staying in music and making a career I would think he’d want to go to the best program and program fit to which he was accepted and is financially able to attend. Unlike some professions like Elementary Ed. or maybe Nursing where the credential speaks for itself and qualifies one for gainful employment, location, cohort, instructors and reputation really matter in music (I think - but am willing to be corrected) Plus, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go at this age. :P</p>
<p>Is she going into a field in which she has prospects of making a lot of money? If so, it might make sense to follow her. Kidding…sort of.</p>
<p>This is an issue that doesn’t go away. Our music students are driven and already focused on a career path. Does the significant other have to make their decisions on their own future based on our S’s/D’s choices? Or does the musician change their own career path to accommodate their partner’s? First undergrad, then summer festivals and residencies, then grad schools, then maybe more residencies,or postgrad programs, or the right city to advance their career… Really, this problem doesn’t end.</p>
<p>He is the one who needs to make the choice. The pros of having the girlfriend near him is he might be happier. The cons are they could break up. But even with that s small program might be more satisfying than a large one. Although his first thought should be which school will give him the best chance to succeed. The main thing I would say is that it would be wise for him to talk to his girlfriend. Is it safe to assume that she has other choices too? What do her parents think?</p>
<p>My son is in his first semester and has a GF still in high school. He comes home every other week. He is about 100 miles away. I usually pick him up and I enjoy it because it gives us time to talk. What I am driving at is that even if they are apart, it would be good for them to be close enough so they can get together on weekends from time to time.</p>
<p>I’m going to go with saintfan on this one, though, in that “boyfriends and girlfriends come and go at this age”. If you think about it, how many people do you know that actually end up marrying their high school sweethearts? Maybe my experiences are different, but quite frankly as I think through my world of friends, I can think of no one. I have seen my kids go through many changes throughout college as they mature, find new interests and learn about themselves and the world around them. I think time apart from high school relationships is actually a good thing. If they are really serious, they can make a long-distance relationship work.</p>
<p>Hopefully he will eventually “get” that his college is most important. In my case, my boyfriend at the time (not who I ended up marrying! lol) actually wanted me to go where I’d be best served. As a parent, … well, my kids have zero interest in boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, so I’m stretching here, but if I were “friendly” with the girlfriend I would enlist her help. If she cares about him, their future, she perhaps would be able to be convinced by reminding her that if he does well at the other school, his future (thus theirs) will be more secure…</p>
<p>Having the same girlfriend from HS whilst in college is a bad idea</p>
<p>Although I agree one should not make these important decisions based on high school romances, this remark is as superficial as the faux-British conjunction “whilst.” Many people do marry their high school sweethearts; long distance relationship are easier than ever these days. Don’t judge other people’s relationships. </p>
<p>Let me see…my brother-in-law started dating my sister in high school 44 years ago. I guess it was a mistake to keep dating while he was in college…and law school. Do you think I should tell him!!!</p>
<p>I think the point is not whether or not the son continues to date his girlfriend from high school–but rather should he let the relationship with her dictate which college he chooses. There’s no right or wrong answer–it’s very much an individual choice, and we can all cite examples of success or failure either way. For me personally, I feel that in the field of music where teacher/school/ensemble quality, etc., can make such a difference in one’s training, I would spend my money getting the best possible education that I could. It might mean having a long distance relationship for 9 or 10 months a year, but it would be worth it for my future. But, again, that’s a personal choice, and may not work for everyone.</p>
<p>Ha - I have a chronologically “adult” son who went into art. the relationship that has worked the best for him is the lawyer he as been with for the last 5 years LOL, </p>
<p>“I feel that in the field of music where teacher/school/ensemble quality, etc., can make such a difference in one’s training, I would spend my money getting the best possible education that I could.”</p>
<p>Not only is that true for the OP’s son, it is also true for the girlfriend whatever her field of endeavor might be.</p>
<p>Of course. But OP was not asking for advice on where the girlfriend should go.</p>
<p>"From a parent’s perspective, what do you think are the pros and cons of going away to school with your boyfriend or girlfriend? "</p>
<p>Pretty open-ended question, Clarimom.</p>
<p>I’m sorry geo1113–OP had asked us for advice and since the issue was concerning her son, that’s what I focused on. My answer would be the same whether the child was male or female. I’m sorry if you take issue with my suggestions–but please note I did say that this must be a personal choice and one answer won’t work for everyone. And I honestly do feel that sometimes choices are more narrow for a music major specifically than for other fields because often you are looking for a specific individual instructor that you will study with for four years on a one-on-one basis. </p>
<p>Play nice, everyone!!</p>
<p>Thought I was, MM.</p>
<p>Son went 2000 miles away for college after dating same girl for 3 years in High School. They continued long distance and he said that he wasn’t sure he could have been as involved or successful musically with a girlfriend on campus with him. Also allowed/forced him to grow much deeper and strong friendships. He would recommend musician not going to same school as girlfriend. Having said that, they have both now graduated and girlfriend is now out in LA with him getting a masters in her field and I suspect will one day be his wife which will be wonderful. I did talk with her during the time he was deciding what to do and said that I know it is hard, but that if he didn’t pursue his dream because she didn’t want him to go away to school that would be a very heavy burden going forward and hard on the relationship. I think she was leaving him alone to decide anyway, but did have that discussion with her. One family’s experience. My experience otherwise is that the vast majority of high school relationships don’t last the first year of college regardless of the distance.</p>