<p>My D is a junior in HS and very good at her instrument. She was first chair All State in 9th and 10th grade. (We haven't had All State auditions yet this year.) She sat principal on the big concert - for her instrument - at one of the big summer festivals. She works very hard and has always been of the mindset that she would audition at the big conservatories/schools for her instrument. She wants to pursue music as a career.</p>
<p>(Sorry for the cryptic nature of the post. Trying to shield identities.) </p>
<p>Based on all the feedback we have received from teachers along the way, she should be competitive at most schools. </p>
<p>Well now she's in love and has announced that she wants to attend our state university. She's a young 16 and much can change over the next year, but what is the right approach here? She says that she's given this a lot of thought and it's not just about the relationship. I should add that the teacher at the state school is excellent, internationally known and all that. I just don't want her to limit her options.</p>
<p>This is new territory for us. Anyone been down this path before?</p>
<p>I have watched D transition from High School, to Undergrad, to Grad school and each time she says a tearful goodbye to the boyfriend she has to leave behind. She is especially sad about the current one (he seems like a real “keeper”) Like you say, things change but, you might reflect on who is currently more excited about studying music…you or your D. Music is a tough road and it takes a heck of a lot of passion and dedication on your D’s part. She has to start making a lot of these decisions on her own.</p>
<p>Depending on what her instrument is, the state university with a fine teacher might be the best situation for a young musician who needs to fine-tune technique and have performance opportunities. String players do need high level peers and role models, and for those musicians admission at an excellent program is crucial.</p>
<p>Stay open to the state university–if the teacher is good, then it is a good option. I assume from your comments that your daughter is not a pianist or violinist, but probably some sort of wind instrumentalist, so as lorelei2702 notes, a good state university program could be very good for her. </p>
<p>I would encourage your daughter in the fall to at least apply to and audition at a couple of “big schools” in order to keep options open. If she still wants to go to the state school, then support her in that. She can get experience with high level peers at summer programs like Aspen, Tanglewood etc.</p>
<p>Point out also that music performance is an audition situation, and it’s never a bad idea to have more than one option.</p>
<p>In the meantime, if I were her mom, I’d be signing her up for summer programs far, far away. A whole 'nother set of friends met over the summer can change one’s outlook, goals, and ambitions.</p>
<p>Binx, excellent point. It’s good for our kids to realize that there many fish in the ocean, not just the ones in the local pond. The more they are exposed, the more they don’t want to settle in too soon with the first one that comes along. I hope you find a challenging summer opportunity that pushes her musical skills in a way that motivates her and that allows her to meet more kids.</p>
<p>Son had longtime girlfriend in high school and applied to music school 2000 miles away. Hard decision but decided to go to school across country. Time and visits and auditions at a variety of schools will likely have influence on her perspective. The advice of summer programs is great regardless of the relationship. I think that accepting her desire to apply to the state school but guiding her to apply more broadly and see what her options are is reasonable advice with or without the relationship. In the meantime enjoy the joys and pains of teen love. </p>
<p>btw son still dates same girl midway through sophomore year and he says that if they were at same school or schools near each other it would be close to impossible due to music performance major time demands and the time demands of a serious relationship.</p>
<p>^It was not due to “romantic” love, but my own son fell in love with his state flagship school (University of Michigan) very early on despite having opportunities elsewhere. Granted, UMich is nationally ranked. He maintained that he just felt more comfortable at his age being closer (two hours) from us, etc. etc. I kind of insisted (gently) that he at least apply/visit/meet with teachers at a few other top programs to inform himself for graduate work or be covered if he didn’t get in (only 4 spots in the program he wanted at UMich.) We ended up visiting programs at schools in Chicago, Vancouver, Nashville, Bloomington, NYC. He completely ruled out Miami Frost and USC based on distance alone and wouldn’t even apply/visit.</p>
<p>He is now very very happy at UMich, and swears he always knew he would be and that his “gut” told him “this is the one”. But he’s now interested in previewing graduate programs, some of them at the very schools we toured that he really enjoyed, but felt “not yet” about. He now also has friends from most of those cities that’s he’s met at Mich as well. But I think it’s more that his comfort zone is expanding.</p>
<p>So, boyfriend aside, if your daughter is as intuitively incisive as I find most music students to be, what she may actually be telling you is that she’s at a particular place in her development of comfort, and she’d probably prefer that you accept it. The boyfriend may just be the mechanism to justify it, as odd and freudian as that sounds. People have to overcome their own “creative resistance” under their own power to own how unstoppable they can be ;)</p>
<p>So, overall, I’d recommend a few fun “trips” to a few choice options just so she can hedge her bets and “research.” Those trips are great opportunities to play “what-if” and to uncover insecurities.</p>
<p>I wonder whether she is using the boyfriend as an ‘excuse’ to back down from the stressful road of conservatory life? It sounds like she has a pretty intense schedule and has reached a high level of performance, but perhaps this is her way of telling you she needs a break?</p>
<p>As everyone else said, a year is a long time for a 16 year old, so I wouldn’t stress about it too much. Quite possibly she just wants to check that you’ll support her no matter what…</p>
<p>Oh, and about the long distance relationships, in my experience it all works out fine whilst it stays on skype. It’s when you have the chance to actually get back together in real-life that problems start emerging. You need to be living with his dirty socks on the bathroom floor and the toilet seat left up to check whether things are going to work out!</p>
<p>I was in the same position my senior year of high school. My boyfriend was pressuring me to stay close to him when I went to college. I ended up at Oberlin which was close to him but also a perfect fit for me. We broke up during my first semester but I have never been unhappy with my decision to go to Oberlin. </p>
<p>Also, once I got to college and realized that there were more fish in the sea, it kind of opened my eyes a bit and I ended the relationship.</p>
<p>there’s a reason why i don’t bother with that stuff…but anyways, at 16? i’m a senior now and have seen countless relationships come and go. a lot of long time ones too, but really why would you tie yourself down at such a RIDICULOUSLY young age? the benefit younger people have is TIME, time to do what you want and pursue the career you want, go for your dreams. and if it doesn’t work out then it’s totally fine to start over in a sense. but for her to assume it would even last that long is naive, and lasting longer than that is hard as well. as soon as she hits college it’s a whole new story</p>
<p>Thanks to all who have chimed in. Pretty much everyone I’ve talked to has told me to relax… that this will take care of itself. (exhale…) I sure hope everyone is right!</p>
A whole 'nother set of friends met over the summer can change one’s outlook, goals, and ambitions.</p>