My annual Christmas dilemma

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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Again I’m not sure what I’m expecting from this or even what advice except to type it all out.

My daughter lives a 14 hour drive from us. As probably anyone who has followed me, she is battling breast cancer and will have chemo treatments until the end of this year.

Her treatment is going very well and she’s very positive. My husband and I have gone there to help her 3 times this summer, twice driving and once flying. The last time we flew and it was just as grueling as the drive as we live 100 miles from our closest airport. It’s also quite expensive.

My daughter would like the family to come to her to celebrate Christmas at her place. She owns a home but it’s a 4 story townhouse with each floor being small. She has one guest bedroom.

There would be 12 immediate family members. There are hotel .4 miles away that are $300-500 a night.

My husband wants to drive and stay away from her house to stay at a cheaper hotel. We have spent a lot going to their house and another flight plus hotel stay just doesn’t feel in the cards.

Here’s the dilemma. My daughter wants her grandparents, my il’s to come. They are 86 and 88. My fil especially is not very mobile anymore.

My husband thinks the idea is for the 4 of us to drive to my daughters together. I get car sick in the back seat. It’s difficult to get my fil in the car at all. My mil is in denial that they can’t do what they used to do. But they desperately want to see my daughter.

The thought of spending 28 hours total in a Subaru, mostly in the back seat is filling me with such anxiety that I can barely think of Christmas without an anxiety attack. My daughter thinks I need therapy :joy:

It’s not funny. My husband finally said last night that I could fly and he would drive his parents. Im not sure if he meant it but that seems unfair also because he would have to drive the entire way. Which he wants to do in one day each way.

Are there any solutions to this? I want to skip Christmas to be honest, it’s really difficult to even think about.

Sorry so long.

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Could you rent a larger, more comfortable vehicle? Maybe a minivan (my Odyssey was very easy for elderly people to get in and out of). If that is not an option, perhaps you can fly, leaving a bit early to help your daughter before the rest of the guests arrive.

Hoping it all works out for you. Prayers for your daughter’s continued recovery.

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I would delay the celebration until your daughter can travel. It is a lot to ask 12 people to travel.

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Hmmm. I know your daughter has had an incredibly challenging year. Thus, holidays are likely feeling more important than ever to be with family.

However, if 10 of the 12 members who would be gathering live near you (maybe I’m wrong?) then it sounds like logistically speaking it makes little sense to have everyone travel and gather at D’s house.

Again, clearly and ideally everyone would be able to make that happen. Everyone wants D to have the best holiday ever after what she’s been through.

But when finances are tight, distance is hard, and elderly are involved, sometimes the heart has to let the head guide some decisions.

And in this case, D would benefit from seeing all her family for sure, but to make that happen (where it’s not miserable in getting there for all, or financially burdensome) then it might make much more sense if she could drive with her H or fly to where you and your in-laws life. (I’m assuming drive so as to minimize risks to her immune system if flying.)

Just some thoughts from an outside person.

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It is not just where would those 12 people stay, it is how would you feed those 12 people for few days.
My family of 15 usually get together for xmas for few days. We have rented houses or gone away to a beach vacation. When we do airbnb, we usually have all meals catered. When we go away on vacation it is usually all inclusive resort. It is hard to feed 15 people.

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I don’t blame you for being anxious about so many aspects of this situation. And I know that probably you do want to make your daughter happy.

Not the answer to all of it but have you looked for an AIRBNB type situation for some of you? Even a 2 bedroom that could house two couples might be better than a hotel and give you all a little space. A spot for people to get up in the morning and have their coffee if others are still sleeping, separate sleeping quarters, a living area to unwind after the day.

Are you talking about this visit to happen literally on Christmas? Is it open for it to be maybe Christmas week or the week after? (thinking rates might be better overall)

I even think about the weather that time of year and the twist that could put on a drive.

Are you inlaws closer to an airport that they could fly? Or manage an airport and a flight on their own?

Just trying to problem solve.

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Are most people OK with traveling to D’s for Xmas? If so, I would definitely rent a minivan. We have done that for big trips when our out of town cars were iffy, or if we needed more space for some reason. And I would also look at an airbnb. Much easier for everyone to spread out and enjoy themselves.

If most people don’t want to go, I’d find some way to bring D to you - even have someone fly out to D’s and drive with her back/forth.

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Maybe a not applicable question but is her doctor ok with her being around a big group at that point in her treatment??

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So hard when you’re in the middle of the elders and the kids and trying to accommodate everyone - especially your daughter during a difficult time in her life. Great to hear things are going well with her treatment.

Renting a bigger car and and AIRBNB were my first thoughts but I see those are recc. What I think I might do — leave the grands at home. A long ride plus a 4 story townhome to navigate would be very challenging and I would want to spend the day with my daughter. I’d celebrate another time with the in laws and ask someone else in the family to have them over for xmas.

Not sure this would work for you - every family’s expectations for the holidays are different.
Hope things continue to go well for your daughter.

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When I tried to mention all of this to my daughter, she got very angry, told me that I was being unreasonable and that we need to be nice to her because she has cancer :woman_shrugging:

My daughter wanted to do this last year when she lived in an even smaller 2 bed apartment but I said no for all the reasons I talked about here. She’s still angry with me.

Her fiancé has taken a lot of time off and they want to go away for new years. So they don’t want to travel. The fiancé has never been to our state but that’s another story.

My daughter wanted to do all of this on Christmas but my dil said no. Daughter wanted all of us to come without my son and dil and baby. I said no and that my dil lost her father this year, she wants to be with her mom. So we are “compromising” by doing this the weekend before Christmas now!

I swear when I think about this I start to hyperventilate. Seriously. I can hardly contain myself.

I don’t think my daughter has thought any of the logistics out. I don’t think she looked at the price of hotels near them, just that there are.

Selfishly I think that it would be nice not to spend another vacation budget to do this. That we could do this at my house or my sisters where everyone can stay close at the house or for less than $500 a night.

My husband thinks that driving is fine. I’m the one who gets car sick in the back seat. The closest person to my daughter lives 5 hours driving away. But the only people we would be responsible to get there is my in laws who live close to us. They do t fly and they don’t “do the computer”. My mom can fly direct to my daughters city so she’s ok.

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Renting a bigger car only means that I’m more car sick than a smaller car

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My IL’s are 93 and 95 and struggle to get into my odyssey (although MIL is about 4’10 and FIL 5’j.

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Her treatment ends on the Monday before we would meet. It’s seriously so insane.

My in law’s desperately want to see their granddaughter who going through cancer treatments

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Sometimes the thing that gets me through a hard thing like this - whether this is nice or not - is to promise myself something that will make life easier/enjoyable once the event is done. (not to say you wouldn’t look forward to the time when everyone is actually together! - I know it’s the process that is especially hard)

Like telling myself, “when we get back from daughter’s I’m going to do a spa day or get take out for 3 days in a row or buy that espresso machine I’ve always wanted…” - I know this is more $$$ but even self-bribery works sometimes. :wink: :slight_smile:

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My final advice and then I should shush up…one lesson my kids have taught ME…

Decide what you can control.

Facts/non-negotiables
D wants her family of 12 in her city for the holidays.
FIL and MIL desperately want to see her.
Deb922 gets car sick in the back seat

What you can control:
How you travel there.
How in laws travel there.
Where you stay.
Maybe, days you are there.

That’s where you focus your energy.

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I’d take your husband up on the offer for you to fly out on your own. We did a long drive once when my parents were elderly (and my mom had ALZ) and it was pure misery.

Would also look into an AirBnB and I’d be clear that your presence is the gift this year since it’s so much money.

Good luck!

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Deb, I don’t see how carsickness won’t be a big issue for you! How did you manage when you drove out there before?

Not even considering the carsickness, the whole trip sounds exhausting. Who’s going to do the cooking for everyone? Who gets to stay in the townhouse with your D?

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If I’m driving or in the front seat of our cars, I’m fine. It’s the back seat and a minivan or big SUV is worse.

Last year was terrible. We went to my sons but he “only” lives 8 hours away. My mom decided to fly to my house so we drove 5 of us in our Subaru. I was so upset about the entire thing.

All of this makes Christmas so stressful for me. Everyone thinks it’s great to get together. But of the other 8, they are not responsible for getting the octogenarians there :wink:

Who knows who “gets” to stay in the house with the kids. The guest room is up steep steps. I know who won’t get invited and that would be myself. Probably my niece :woman_shrugging:

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I bet the kitchen and dining area in her townhouse are tiny (judging by what I see at our local THs). How will 12 people fit in there for a large festive meal? It sounds like you do need a rental with a much larger room that can accommodate this large of a gathering.

I am so sorry you have been put on this situation. Your daughter’s need to see everyone is probably driven by the fact that deep inside she has a fear that this could be the last Christmas with her grandparents - their health is not that great from what you wrote. Hugs to you.

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My mother is 88, and my family is spread out. She does not do well on long car drives because she does not want to “stop on her account”.

I have worked with the elderly, as part of my profession, as a speech pathologist, and have dealt with their geriatric issues:

One of those issues is travel. The elderly need to constantly rest and stop constantly. So in my hybrid, an 8 hour trip can take 10-12 hours give or take food breaks. During Christmas season, a number of restaurants can be closed.
Depending on the patient, if they hold off too long, they are susceptible to UTI’s which can be painful at their ages.

Personally, I think your daughter is being selfish. She has cancer, yes, but this should not be a literal guilt trip. My brother just passed away from cancer and I would do anything to have him back, but I know he would not guilt me into an inconvenient trip. Again, he’s not my child.

I think all of you should fly and stay at a local Air B n B. Otherwise, you will all be grumpy, miserable and it will reflect in your celebration.

Edited to add that I was trying to respond to @deb922 but also agree with @momofboiler1

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