Thanks to everyone who sees the minefield that this is.
I have no idea how 12 people can fit in the townhouse. I have no idea how to do meals, they have 3 chairs for the table ( one is back ordered)
When things are closer, we would bring food. But with most participants flying, that won’t be possible.
Just between my daughter being immune compromised and the space issues, I don’t know how this gets done. But my daughter and her aunt my sister and their ADD, details are difficult. And I’m the witch who brings them up. Because I’m putting a wrench in the plans.
It isn’t my place to opine on where you celebrate your holiday but here are a few things to consider:
–If you do drive I might ask your doctor for those prescription ear patches for motion sickness. They last for days (not hours like Dramamine) and work well for my son.
–I would consider flying out early. I’m not sure your D recognizes how much work will go into preparing holiday meals, organizing the house etc. to entertain 12 people. Does she even have room to set up a meal for 12?
–An AirBnB or VRBO does sound like a good idea.
–I don’t think my parents (87 and 94) could handle a car trip that long. They need to really think about it. Spending money on flights rather than gifts may be an option worth considering.
-Could you consider flying your D home for the holiday and visiting her another time?
The most important thing of course is that your D is doing well and I pray that continues.
Personally, though D wants a celebration in her town, I would have people fly/drive to where the grandparents are. Rent AirBnBs near there so grandparents don’t have to play host/hostess all the time (or hotels, or both). That will eliminate the long car drive/travel issue for the old people which leaves you flexible on how you get there. Maybe offer to pay for your daughter’s family to travel as a Christmas/treatment’s over gift.
I would fly along with anyone else who wants to fly and then rent an Airbnb and/or motel rooms for some. If you do better in a bigger vehicle I would rent one and possibly take OTC 1/2 pill Bonine as well. I would carry in some fully prepared meals from a local-to-her restaurant or store either to her house or other accommodations.
My answer may be different if your daughter wasn’t in the midst of all the medical stress.
I like the thought process above of what you can and can’t control.
Her fiancé does not have the time off except for new years. That they want to go on a tropical vacation if my daughter is up for it. He works Christmas so that people with kids have it off.
It’s not just the car sickness. It’s anxiety and claustrophobia of being in the back seat for this long drive. Put me in the front seat, I’m good. Drive with just my husband and a good audio book, I’m good.
My husband says his father can be in the back seat. He can barely get in the front seat.
I think that my daughter is being a bit selfish because she wants to go on vacation. That’s what this is all about and she does not want to hear any other plans. It’s inconvenient for her to travel.
I’m not great giving up control either but these plans have more holes than Swiss cheese.
If you travel by car I would just be brutally, humorously honest with your in-laws. “I am so sorry to need the front seat and to put you two lovebirds in the back - but I am truly worried I will not make the 12 hour trip in the back seat without barfing which will not be pleasant for anyone! I promise to bring good snacks though to pass to you back there!”
That would be one thing solved if you have to travel by car. You being in the front seat. Give yourself the grace to have to have that in place.
I’m going to buck the response trend here and suggest that you offer to fly your daughter in for a visit with her grandparents at another time. If she wasn’t up for traveling, in general, I would not suggest it, but it sounds like she is feeling ok to travel when it suits her desires, so…
I would have no hesitation on sitting in the front seat the whole time and giving the in-laws the back seat. I wouldn’t even feel the need to really explain - might mention the carsickness (from which I also suffer so I get it) but it’s your car, you sit in the front. Can’t help with the rest, since I’d be wanting to get the grandparents to see their granddaughter (albeit knowing nothing of the personalities and politics of your family so take that with a total grain of salt) but the idea of renting an Air BnB rather than a hotel sounds like a good idea.
I don’t love to fly, but for old people it’s going to be stressful to fly but not 28 hours in a car stressful. If they aren’t up for flying then maybe it’s not to be that they come too and you can tell your daughter that when she’s feeling better she can go visit them. If they can’t/won’t fly that frees up the front seat for you if you decide to drive.
Since it’s before Christmas will you be spending Christmas with the old folks? If so then they won’t really be missing out on the holiday, just the pre-holiday. Maybe you could FaceTime them or something from your daughters?
If you decide to go - As far as seating goes, a card table and chairs and a tablecloth may help. I bought each of my kids a card table and chairs when they graduated from college and each one has used the set several times - guests, buffet, poker, temporary main dining, crafts, wrapping, extra chairs. They are basic sets and convenient to store. My mom did the same for me and we still use it a few times a year even though we have multiple tables.
I have to agree with you. Your daughter isn’t being considerate to the majority, unless she is capable of all the duties of being the hostess, she shouldn’t insist she be the hostess of this year’s Christmas celebration. I wasn’t going to mention it until you did. If she can fly away for vacations, why can’t she fly to your home?
I think your husband needs to step up to the plate in terms of communications with your D. Gets you out of your role as wicked witch (no, I don’t think you are wicked, I think you are being perfectly reasonable). I think he needs to ask your D to discuss this plan with her doctors before ANY more logistics get planned. Lay out who is coming, what their health status is, who will have had flu shots, Covid booster, etc, and their ages.
I cannot imagine her medical team is going to think this plan is at all feasible especially since given the size of her place, there is virtually no way for someone to separate themselves if they think they might have Covid, or even just to self-quarantine for a day if they think they’re getting flu, or wake up with strep.
But if they do… pick another weekend, MLK? President’s Day? Just a random week in early February? And call it “The Deb Family Holiday Celebration”. Hotel rates will be cheaper if it’s a non-holiday weekend. Expectations for meals are MUCH lower- you can order out for pizzas and garlic knots, you can order Chinese takeout. The likelihood of lost luggage, delayed flights, much lower. Nobody is shlepping gifts in addition to everything else (you can mail those in December if yours is a gift-giving family.
Schedule a two hour Zoom on Christmas morning to drink coffee together and catch up.
Alternative- meet halfway? Instead of renting rooms near your D, rent rooms somewhere between the grandparents/you/D…
But your H needs to take over communications. And it’s got to go past the medical team before you spend a nickel on tickets…
Almost all of these problems can be solved with money. That’s great, if you have money! Some of these problems might take a lot of money to solve: lodging in an expensive area over Christmas, long travel for lots of people, feeding lots of people from a dinky kitchen, etc.
Constrained by a budget, you’ll be forced to compromise a ton and/or to just endure several problems.
What if you make the trip and it turns out to be mostly expensive and stressful (that seems basically guaranteed)? What if it turns out to be mostly a disaster? How will you feel about it after the fact? Glad you went, or resentful? How will you feel when your daughter is enjoying her tropical vacation?
I ask this because it will help you set your expectations, and allow you to make decisions from a position of strength. If you imagine things going poorly, and you still think you want to go, then go. If you imagine things going well, and still have major reservations, then perhaps you should consider not going.
We live far from our families. After several expensive, stressful, and difficult visits, we decided to adopt a “no holiday travel” policy by default. We didn’t travel during the holidays for years. That helped us all get used to celebrating in a new way and still enjoying it and finding ways to bond. We did visits other times of the year. It is one of the best things we’ve ever done and everyone is happy. We see our friends stressed to the MAX for Christmas while we’re super relaxed. Every once in a while we’ll do a holiday visit but those seem so much sweeter now. That’s just one approach available.
If it were me, I’d arrange an alternative to everyone going there for Christmastime. But only you can decide what is best for you. Your love for your daughter shines through everything, and she’ll be okay and supported regardless of how the plans shake out.
Better living through chemistry: if you are this anxious, ask your doctor for a prescription for anti-anxiety meds. Seriously.
And then let EVERYTHING go. Just sort out driving vs flying, and the house rental. And then let things go. If you do nothing I promise you, people will eat, things will actually get done. Focus on the important thing: your daughter. I will be blunt: in the unlikely event this is her last Christmas, and you could look back, what will leave you with the fewest regrets? I suspect going, and focusing on her, not on the logistics of the drive.
My parents are super elderly and that’s my litmus test when I don’t want to do something-- will I regret not doing this thing once they sre gone?
Your daughter is not in the same position as my parents at all, but you can still use the same thought exercise: you don’t want to have any regrets later.
Honestly, you might need to have a “tough” conversation with your daughter. Perhaps not everyone can get together this year. Maybe she flies to you without the Fiancé, or he forgoes the tropical vacation to spend New Years with all of you at your house.
I have seen many families have miserable holidays because of situations like this. I hope if works out.
I admit to being a planner and a control person (freak )
My husband will not communicate with daughter. They burned some bridges and are polite but he will not confront her. It’s easier that way.
We just flew to daughters. There is one flight a day from our airport to hers. That flight was prohibitively expensive but I did get the nonstop on the arrival. We spent $950 to fly there plus $120 parking. We left the kids house at 12:30 pm and arrived at our home at midnight.
My husband says he will not fly again. He will not spend $400/night for a hotel which we would have to if we flew.
My daughter is being nonnegotiable about people coming to her house. Do I think we could do this later in the year, yes? But since everyone was mad at me last year when I put the brakes on this, my plan was to go with what was decided.
My in laws are in denial and they don’t like to fly either. Because they don’t and have flown very little. Just not something “they do” according to mil.
My sister and niece are in cahoots with daughter. I’m the killjoy bringing up the particulars. When I object, I am painted as the villain.
Can Christmas be cancelled? I also haven’t seen my mom since last Christmas since I’ve been preoccupied with my family crisis. She’s happy to go to daughter but unless my sister pays for her hotel costs, she won’t be able to get there. She’s 84 and in need of a knee replacement.
This is a tough one with no perfect solution unfortunately. I was going to suggest you and Fil fly while hubby and Mil drive, then rent a VRBO. I also like the idea of delaying until after the new year so she can rest up and enjoy her New Year vaca. You will be protecting her health by limiting exposure to so many people right before she travels. Im sorry about the guilt trip and her/your anxiety.
Under the circumstances I’d probably drive with the seniors (since they want to go), sit always in the front (the other 3 can rotate), and stay 1-2 hours away from D so it’s less than 14 hours and cheaper. Then drive the 1-2 hours for the celebration.
I think that’s the answer. Because everything else is out of my control.
I’ve already tried to talk to daughter and she wasn’t having it. My sister has persuaded her that this is a great idea.
I have no idea why anyone thinks her medical team thinks it’s a great idea. Nothing is set in stone because daughter wants to see how her new course of chemo goes
she can go visit them. If they can’t/won’t fly that frees up the front seat for you if you decide to drive.
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