I know you’re frustrated, but you’re very much in a this is impossible mindset. It’s not making it any easier on your anxiety. If you absolutely don’t want to do it, say so now and move on.
But none of this is impossible. If the ils don’t fit in the backseat of your car, rent a car they fit in so that you can ride in the front seat and not get carsick. Evaluate if they really can make a 14 hour car ride in a day - I think your husband is delusional that this is a realistic option in any kind of vehicle. If they are desperate to see their granddaughter, they should fly.
Find a house to rent that will be cheaper and accommodate the group instead of a tiny townhouse and expensive individual hotel rooms. Then don’t sweat the small stuff. People will find a way to feed themselves. Other than a single meal, I wouldn’t make any attempt at hosting the group for the entire time - and give strong consideration to eating the festive meal at a restaurant.
Just say no.
D1 has a 20 month old daughter. She wants her kid to wake up in her bed on Xmas day and open her presents. My family is pressing her to stay overnight at the Airbnb they have rented. My mother is going to be there with the whole family. D1 said no. She will come for the day, but will leave after dinner. I am supporting her by leaving with her.
That’s the choice my dil has made. They have a baby and they opted out of the plan for Christmas Day that was the first option. But all of the octogenarians want to meet the baby. So we are doing it the weekend before Christmas.
I agree this is not helping my anxiety. At all. I can keep it together the rest of the year. Christmas puts me over the edge.
All of these comments are SO HELPFUL!!! Thank you so much!!!
I’m so sorry you are in this situation, I hate long drives, flying, I have anxiety, claustrophobic, and I’m a control freak at times. Fortunately my husband and kids are VERY chill, as is my husband’s entire family, no one guilts anyone (well, except my sister who tries to guilt me into traveling with her, she loves traveling, me not so much). I’d offer to fly her in without her fiancé. At the very least I’d fly myself if my husband/IL’s didn’t want to fly. When one of my kids decided to go to college 12 hours away and not close to an airport, she knew she’d be seeing less of us. When she put off looking for flights for thanksgiving, I told her I was not paying $700 for her to fly in for 3 days, a few weeks before winter break. Fortunately for her my sister felt badly and gifted her points to fly.
My new lightbulb moment for all this - why would she want to risk her New Years beach trip with her fiancé, by having 12 people together a week before her trip? Not only the getting sick from each other but wearing her energy out?
Maybe that’s the escape route. Risking her trip.
Also, shame on your sister and niece for not seeing the difficulty with all this.
My other thought - literally put this all on paper - the players involved, the time involved the cost involved . Present that to her in an email, letter or over FaceTime. That is going to be a big $ number and time commitment with a lot of risks. Maybe seeing it on paper will make a point with her.
I have tried to discuss driving 14 hours with his parents to my husband. That it makes me very anxious and fretful. That I would be fine if we didn’t have to be responsible for his parents.
But he will not consider talking with his parents. And he thinks driving is the correct answer and will not listen to me that it’s insanity.
Everything would be tolerable to me if my husband and I were driving together. The husband thinks this driving plan is no big deal. And if I’m this upset, just fly. Which I think he thinks I will change my mind because I look bad not sitting in a car for 28 hours with his parents.
OP- even if your H and D aren’t communicating, that doesn’t mean that you have to step in to the breach to make all the arrangements. If your sister thinks this is a great idea- terrific. She is now in charge of getting one set of parents to your D- her own. And she is in charge of “the festive meal”- she can talk to your D about hiring a caterer, doing it in a restaurant, whatever. But she is now “Captain Xmas” for her portion.
If your H won’t communicate with your D-- terrific. He is now “Captain Logistics”. He can look at renting a big van for everyone, he can see if there’s a cheaper way for some to fly, some to drive, he can figure out who sleeps where and how much that will cost. But it’s on him. He knows the costs and the other constraints.
I think your anxiety will go down tremendously once you are no longer Christmas Quarterback…
And a final point- whatever tactic you need to do (light sage, write a letter and burn it, throw a rock into a near by pond- you need to let go “looking bad”. You have enough anxiety re: your D’s health to take on “how it looks for other people”. Throw that in the pond along with the rock. The objective is NOT “I suffered with my H through an intolerable trip with my aging in-laws”. The objective is something affirming and joyous with your family. And if that means he drives his parents and you fly- there it is. Who cares how it looks?
I wouldn’t for a second worry about looking bad - who cares. If your husband insists driving 28 hours with his elderly parents is no big deal - great - have at it. Fly and let him deal with it. Control what you can control, and if others insist on embarking on a miserable trip, just let them.
I say this as a fellow anxiety person who stresses about the details and making sure everyone has fun… if your daughter and sister are so adamant this happen at her place, this is hers to figure out. Let her know you’ll happy to go as long as they figure out the details.
You are responsible for getting yourself there. Let your H know you’ll have to have the front seat. A minivan should be comfy enough for the in-laws in the back. But it will be his task to make sure they are fine. It’s not your task. If they are miserable… they wanted to go and their son thought it was fine.
Having it the weekend before Xmas will help if emergency runs to walmart, Cosco, etc are needed. But if it winds up where everyone but the elderly are sitting on the floor eating Papa Johns, so be it.
This would drive me absolutely insane! I’ve seen my SIL destroy any joy during the holidays trying to accommodate everyone else’s wishes. Just say NO. Plan a nice celebration with your daughter and future son in law at a later date.
I feel anxious reading this thread. My heart goes out to you, OP.
If you really want to fly, you could avoid “looking bad” by flying out a few days early saying you were going early so you could help your daughter prepare.
If you want to go along with the drive, I agree with renting the minivan. When I would drive my mil, I would have her step on a Rubbermaid footstool to help her get in and out. Once they are in, they should be fine in the back. Nice reclining captains chairs in the second row.
Now, honestly, you might just want to choose a plan and go with it for now. It seems unlikely that her doctors will approve a big family get together or her tropical vacation if she is still in treatment and immune compromised. I would make her promise that if her doctor doesn’t think it’s a good idea that she will cancel, that her health and safety is the very most important thing to you.
Many suggestions for a mini van. How is that going to help? (I’m asking) Because either way there are only 4 of them traveling - OP, her H, his parents. I think that’s correct? And OP said that she still gets sick in a mini van in the back seat. Correct me if I’m wrong.
How long would you stay at the destination @deb922 ???
14 hours each way? I’m sorry, but this is way over the top for these grandparents and I don’t care what sort of condition their health is. It’s winter. You could easily encounter bad weather, accidents, car fires, road closures or any number of things that would make this trip even longer.
When I first started reading, I thought, “Person with cancer wins!” But the more I read, the more unreasonable her plan sounded.
I agree with those who say an Airbnb, but I would suggest a place in between you and dd and fiance and the elders. The housing is going to be an expense anyway so why not find a place that’s less onerous on everyone (except dd and fiance)? You’ll have room to cook in the right spot and it feels like a compromise so that maybe the fiance wouldn’t have to take quite as much time off. And you wouldn’t be faced with 14 hours in the car. Or can you break it up into two seven-hour drives? Sounds like your time is flexible.
But, yeah, agree with others that you are working yourself up, and that’s not helpful for anyone.
Minority opinion here, and I obviously do not know family history/dynamics/finances, but if my kid had cancer and was undergoing or recently completed treatment and wanted us there for Christmas I would be there. Despite the doctor’s prognosis who knows what is going through her mind. Maybe hosting Christmas is a box she wants to check. Car sick - fly, sit in front seat, take Bonine, pressure wristband, etc. Limited finances, get other relatives attending to kick in for a shared Airbnb.
