Was there a relationship break-up? I remember when a sorority sister stopped going to classes when a BF suddenly dumped her.
You sound like a very loving and caring stepmother setting up her apartment, while her own mom did nothing.
But, Stepdaughter/Stepmother relationships seem to be one of the trickiest relationships of all.
Perhaps, a hug and just good listening skills are the best you will be able to offer right now -
to your husband and stepdaughter.
I would leave the rest to your husband.
I would first sit down with her calmly and try to find out what happened. It could be that she’s afraid or too embarrassed to tell you and/or your husband. After that, you should come up with a plan of action together. This could be trying to find another college to go to, or simply dropout and get a job. If she chooses to go to another school (or try to reinstate at the current school), then set expectations so this doesn’t happen again. If she chooses not to continue with college, then all the financial support ends and she has to go get a job and support herself.
I would like to say a very big thank you to everyone that has posted to my vent. My husband and I have been together since our daughter was just 7 years old. We had a rocky start which blossomed into something very good and we had a tight bond. I do believe there had been a “guy” involved. Between school, friends, partying and the “guy” i feel she let her school suffer. Being away from home is a very hard thing and being the first in her family to attend college does put stress on anyone. Although I have always encouraged her to just do her best. This will be difficult and long road. I have ensured her that I still love her and always will but it definitely will not be gumdrops and rainbows right away. Can’t go back to the way it was when we don’t know what is the truth and what is not. I am very happy that I was able to vent and have some very positive feedback. We are finally able to sit down with her tomorrow. This will be good to hear what her “grand” plan is and what she feels she needs to do to get back on track. I just hope that she understands what she has done and how difficult life will be. I know she was embarrassed because she let us down and did not want to tell us but she had many many chances to tell us.
I am not a horrible person and always put my kids first. It is not a typical step mother situation in my household. I have been the care giver, the one that takes to the doctors, dentist, orthodontist, swim practices, football practices. The one to leave early from work if they were sick or had issues, not the mom. And my husband had involved me 100%. I married my kids and we all took vows together.
Thank you all again. I really appreciate me being able to vent. We have a time set up to have dinner with our daughter tomorrow to really find out more and where we stand with the school and the apartment. It will all work out. It always does.
I’m glad things are looking better, devastated, and I hope she was just overwhelmed and embarrassed. You sound like a wonderful, caring stepmother. Frankly, I wouldn’t punish her. The consequences are punishment enough. She probably needs to get a job and, if she decides at some point to return to college, she may be better off commuting or returning part-time.
OP, it sounds as if you really have been a parent, and she’s lucky to have you. I hope dinner tonight goes really well – and I bet it will. Please let us know how it goes.
I would say do NOT cut her phone no matter what. And for the other two things, talk to her about them - does she really need them? Does she really need you to pay for them, or can she at least take a six month break?
My brother almost dropped out of college, graduated a year late due to failing grades. Lied to my parents but they managed to catch him. Drugs were involved, and he was living in his frat house, so they insisted he move to home and commute instead. He wised up, met a girl who was interested in finishing college more than socializing, and they ended up married (still are after 20 years).
I think she will need to decide, if there is a guy involved and she is still involved with him, at this point if it is over a year, she should be free to talk about whether she has plans involving him or not, in addition to her own plans.
I’d say talking about what she would do to get back into college is important, but maybe more important is does she want to go to college? and if not, what does she want to do in the next six months to two years?.
I’d tread lightly on the why the FREAK did you lie to us, you little ** * part of the conversation. Some kids don’t care if they are caught, and will blame the parents, and others will feel so bad about being caught lying the real issue is obfuscated.
This happened to us. It also happened in a well-publicized case where the parents did not find out until they arrived for graduation, to friends of ours.
I will send you a PM as soon as I can, i have not read the entire thread but in the meantime:
don’t confuse your anger with your fear. Fear that she has a problem, fear that you have failed, fear that something worse will happen, fear that she will now spiral into something dangerous. Those are fears, not facts.Also, get over being embarassed (HOW COULD I HAVE NOT KNOWN!! you tell yourself I AM THE DUMBEST WORSEST PARENT EVER)
don’t blame. it doesn’t really matter why, for the next few days. Right now, she has to process that you know; you have to process this new information. It’s devastating, it’s hard, it’s lousy – but DONT make it worse by blaming and all that. Give yourselves at least a week to “get over” the intial shock.
love her. imagine how scary and lonely and stressful it is to have lied yourself into this, with no idea of what to do. She needs, more than anything, for you to be calm (tall order!!) and show her that her life is not over. She needs you to still be on her team, like you always have been. It is FINE to be okay with it. You will feel a lot of adult peer pressure to punish or yell or restrict or act in some way to telegraph your disapproval – don’t do that. 
Ignore well-meaning advice of people who have no idea what this is like, and follow your instinct to love her and help her. As if she had a broken leg. Breathe. Sleep. Hug each other. Hang on. Don’t be ashamed. Practice saying to nosy people “oh, she’s home/working for a while, working some stuff out”. She hasn’t killed someone. You can and will survive this.
every day, people’s kids die in car accidents, and they would give anything to have our problems. perspective, perspective, perspective. And chocolate!
(okay, so maybe I don’t need to send you a PM after all)
**should have mentioned: my student eventually graduated. Has a good solid job in his field, just moved to a bigger apartment. Supports himself, mostly. Has friends. Told me just last night that this peer group has decided they can’t afford weekly nights out at a grill, have transitioned to potlucks at each other’s apartments “to save money”.
Greenbutton’s advice is right on the money. I have seen parents feel so ashamed of their kid’s bumps that the young adults internalize that shame and continue to make poor decisions.
One more positive personal anecdote. Our daughter dropped out of college during the spring semester of junior year. She didn’t lie to us about it, but she didn’t give us any advance warning either. She didn’t call to let us know until she had already been to the registrar and withdrawn, so there was no going back. I was extremely upset at the time, and I’m sure my friends two towns over could hear my initial reaction! But within 2 weeks of leaving school she had a full-time job, and never had to come home and live with us. In other words, although I was the opposite of thrilled by how she handled it, she soon turned it around by acting like a very responsible, independent adult and that is something we are very proud of! Your case could easily turn around as well, and end up being a very positive experience for all, once you can get past your anger and disappointment at how she brought it about.
Kids around 20 can be very immature. They may come up with self-rationalizations that make no sense even to themselves with some maturity and value present pleasure too highly over future pain. Unfortunately, humans are not fully mentally mature until 30.
Some kids need to start working before realizing why getting a college education is important.
I would work hard to remain calm. Anger and yelling are tempting, but will impair communication. You have to keep the communication line open.
These things happen often. It has all happened before. If you begin with anger and yelling the kid will say, that is why they didn’t come to you earlier.
Encourage her to work with you and make a new plan for her life. Failing is okay. At least she tried.
I’m glad things are headed in a positive direction for the OP.
I wanted to thank all the people who posted their own stories of encouragement and healing and light at the end of the tunnel. In this process of getting kids into and through college, it is so easy to think that it is a relatively smooth, straightforward process for everyone, and that makes it worse/harder when your kid hits a bump in the road. The wisdom and perspective shared honestly here is invaluable, even if your kid isn’t in a tough spot at the moment; having seen how others handle the tough spots successfully makes facing them a bit less daunting if/when they do occur.
So, thank you for the honesty and willingness to be open and vulnerable.
I hope OP will come back to post what happened.
Abrupt shifts can be bad news so hopefully it’s nothing more serious than a bad semester and needing to repair grades.
During DD’s past tough times, I remember being incredibly hurt by her lies. In retrospect, some of them were done in attempt (foolish but heartfelt) to not cause us pain.
You had some good advise above. To go forward, you really need to know the situation (and make sure she is stable). Try not to ask questions that corner her into more lies. The info she volunteers on her own will be more likely to be the truth.