I don’t know where to start. I’m heartbroken. My daughter just finished her sophomore year at a good school. I’ve asked her multiple times about her grades all semester long, and she always brushed me off. Now, a month after classes ended, I found out she failed 3 of her 5 classes. She is a smart kid, she got a 30 on her ACT and always got good grades before this. I’m not even sure if she failed out or not, she needs to talk to her advisor. She must have known she was struggling for months. She even renewed her apartment lease for next year. I tried talking to her, but all she did was cry. I’m not even sure where to start… I’m more disappointing that she lied to us this whole time - we could have helped - drop some classes, get a tutor, go get extra help… now it is too late. I’m thinking of getting her some counselling (she is extremely shy), and make her get a job. I feel like a failure as a parent. I think we gave her too easy of a life and she has no work ethic. All she does is watch movies on the internet all day.
Take a deep breath. You will get through this.
Is this the first time your D has failed a class or was she already on academic probation?
Sounds depressed or in denial or overwhelmed. Could be on probationary or provisional status? Expected to retake something? See the college’s policies- may be found in online catalogue.
My heart goes out to you.
I’ve heard worse stories. My friend’s daughter dropped out of College mid semester in PA to move back to NYC to move in with her boyfriend, all without telling her parents. She had her college roommate relay messages from home and returned the calls as though she were still in College in PA. that lying adolescent has grown into a highly professional woman in health care who has a close relationship with her parents, who dote on the grandson that she later presented to them.
Adolescents are not adults. It’s important not to live up to her worst fears. This is not the time to get tough although the plan you presented seems fine. The point is that she needs love, understanding, and support more than anything else right now. Children lie to their parents because they fear the consequences of telling the truth. They fear that they’re no good failures who’ve let you down terribly. Help her seebeyond that.
I doubt that she has failed out as the result of failing 3 courses if she was previously in good standing. First, it’s important to get the facts. Second it’s important to find out why. This has been a terribly disrupted semester and the college has to take that into account. Counseling is a great idea to help find out why. Together you can all make a plan. It might involve making changes either in major or in college. It might involve taking a semester or a year off. Or it might not. It might involve something else altogether. You need to find out what this is all about and deal with whatever that is. That may mean going back to the same college. Wait and see.
This is not about college. It’s about her discovering the life she is meant to live. It’s about her finding joy in her life. That likely has little to do with being good at college.
I wish for you both a song of joy . . . and of love.
Previous poster was right on the nose: " Children lie to their parents because they fear the consequences of telling the truth. They fear that they’re no good failures who’ve let you down terribly. Help her see beyond that."
This is important: more than just not focusing on the tuition money or the lying is not putting your behavior or hers on trial. If you think you’ve failed then that’s just another thing she did. She knows she’s failed, so get past that to was there a cause that needs to be addressed (eg substance abuse, depression, or other mental health issue, roommate or boyfriend strife, anything concrete at all.) There’s usually something that causes a collapse like this, especially if freshman year went OK. Set aside blame and consequences and even responsibility and try to talk about how and when the wheels came off.
If there’s a specific problem then it’s simpler (but probably not easier): you help. Start there and don’t worry too much about the long-term path.
But at some point do take a little time to contact the school about her various options and anything she might be required to do, as choices may vary depending on the problem. (For example you could qualify to get a medical deferment to take a year off.) But once you know what’s possible put the focus on getting your DD back on her feet, healthy and confident.
Your daughter has 4 semesters under her belt. Was this the first semester that posed academic issues or was she having trouble before? I think my response would vary depending on the situation.
If it is the first semester, it has been a very trying time for many people with the changes and stresses the pandemic has caused.
The first thing is to be on your child’s team. Don’t be their adversary.
Next is try to determine why your child failed… How was she doing up until now?
If it was just this Covid semester? Did she think there would be more slack in grades? Did she need the structure of a class and couldn’t keep up on her own?
Or was it the classes she was taking…was she starting to take more harder classes in her major?
In general when people post about failing, I ask them to consider:
- Think about what caused the bad grades.
Did you go to class? - Did you read the book?
- Did you not study enough?
- Did you not study effectively?
- Did you party too much?
- Did you work too much?
- Did you play sports too much?
- Did you play video games too much?
- Did your HS not prepare you?
- Did you have health issues?
- Did you have mental health issues? Depression/Anxiety?
- Did you have boyfriend/girlfriend health issues?
When you had the first bad test…what did you do? The same?
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Understand that at college, for every 1 hour in the classroom, you are expected to study/read/do homework for 2-3 hours. So a 3 credit class should require 6-9 hours outside the classroom per week. So for a typical 15 credit semester, that is a full time job of school and outside reading etc.
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Understand that colleges want you to succeed. Colleges have many tools/programs to help you.
Professor office hours. Professors literally are sitting in their offices having set aside time to help you on that class.
Tutors: Your college has a free tutoring center
Writing or Math Centers -
You have to tell your parents the truth. So first think about 1) above and what the real problems were. Think about 3) and what tools you have to use. They have to know because you may have to go to school longer.
"Mom, I need to talk to you about college. I told you things went better than they really did. (show her your grades). I was ashamed of myself and how I did. I have been thinking about it and I think what happened in precalc is that I both convinced myself that I am bad at math, but still thought I could or had to do it on my own so I wouldn’t be bad at math. I realize now that there are free tutors and that my professors have office hours twice a week where I can get help. I also realize I need to do extra problems to really understand the material. I am going to have to take Pre-calc again.
I will make up for those credits by taking a summer class.
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Read this for more ideas http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1920853-college-is-a-step-up-from-hs-16-tips-on-doing-well-in-college.html
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Set yourself up for success. What is your major? If you can’t do a pre-req, why are you thinking about a particular major? So if she failed physics, you may not be cut out for engineering…
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Talk to your advisor about what classes you should be taking.
But for her case, I would try to get her to talk about what happened. If she had been doing well up until now, and you think it was truly a covid type of reason, and if she would go back to school in person, then I would insist on having access to her on-line grades.
Also if you think it was a depression issue and she gets diagnosed and then she may be able to get a retroactive medical withdrawal.
Maybe she had a traumatic experience that she is reluctant to share with others.
Of course you’re heartbroken. If you can, for now push aside your feelings and focus on being active to guide your daughter through this.
Find out exactly what her status is at her university. If this is her first semester of failed classes, she’s likely on academic probation and has another semester to get her grades up and resume her studies. So that’s the first step.
Once you know exactly where she stands, focus on helping her make some choices. Does she feel ready to go back to school next fall? What can she change to succeed? Does she need academic or psychological help?
Talk to her in a calm, non-judgmental way. Understand she’s probably VERY upset and disappointed in herself, likely ashamed and overwhelmed. The calmer you are the more helpful you’ll be.
Please know that many kids have a disastrous semester (or two) and eventually get it together to graduate. Maybe it won’t be at this school, but if your daughter wants to, she will get a degree. Assure your daughter that you believe in her, in her intelligence and ability. Treat this as a major bump in the road that needs to be navigated as she moves on.
Wishing you the best. It’s hard to be in your position, and you’d be surprised how many of us have been there! (And got through it, as have our kids.)
These 2 statements seem incompatible to me.
I’m in the unique position of having been on both sides of this sad story. I failed out, and then decades later I had a son who failed out. My empathy here is total. As a parent, you feel like you’ve been hit by a train.
First piece of advice: Breathe.
Second piece of advice: It’s not the end of the world. I eventually ended up with a degree, from the original school I was thrown out of. My son has (I hope so much) one more quarter before he gets his degree, from the original school. Some people’s paths are more crooked. Be gentle on yourself. Be gentle with your daughter.
Third piece of advice: Take your time figuring out what comes next. You don’t have to make all the decisions in 24 hours. [Exception: Get all the paperwork done with the school right away. Find out your daughter’s status: Is she on probation? Is she expelled? What does she have to do to get back to her school? You don’t have to, and should not, make decisions about your daughter’s future this minute, but you should keep all the options open.]
You can be smart, get good grades* and test scores without much of a work ethic.
- Depends on the school, of course.
In any case, to the OP: It’s not the end of the world. Think of it as a learning and growing experience. A guy I know (smart guy; not exactly hard-working) somehow managed to graduate from the U of C with a 1.9 GPA (yes, I think even back then, the U of C said they would kick you out if your GPA dipped below 2.0, but he somehow talked the school in to letting him graduate). He eventually made his way to Wall Street and made a ton of money.
Not necessarily; at my high school, it was extremely easy to make straight A’s; most people in the top 10% of our class did so, and most people who were in the top quarter had a majority of A’s; this was at an average public high school. Plus, I lived in a very hippy location throughout high school that was very philosophically opposed to homework, so we had almost none (besides readings for English class). Many people I knew who got straight A’s in high school with ease failed classes their first semester of college as a result of never having to study for anything in high school. I feel very fortunate that, when I got to college, I already knew how to study because I transferred to that high school from a competitive out-of-state public school where I had to bust my butt to earn straight A’s and only a handful of students (probably 1%-2%) graduated with straight A’s. That school had many more students attending extremely selective colleges than students with all A’s. Also, many people can do very well on the standardized tests without studying hard. Not saying it’s at all true of the poster’s child, but just saying, it is definitely possible to be very successful in high school without a strong work-ethic. Much harder (if not virtually impossible) in college though.
First time anything below a C. She got mostly As and Bs up to now with 2 Cs last semester.
You’ve gotten great advice here.
I dropped out of my first college after a year. I had developed an eating disorder, was severely depressed, and could barely function. When I finally worked up the nerve to tell my parents, I heard all about how much I had wasted their money, that I had blown my chances at a good life, and that I had disappointed them.
What I needed at the time was help, understanding, and an assurance that my worth did not equal my grades or my ability to get a college degree at that point in time. I needed their love. I needed their unconditional love and to know that they were on my side. I did not get that. Everything was my fault because I obviously just wasn’t working hard enough.
You are not a failure as a parent just because your daughter is struggling right now. Your daughter needs you now. She needs your compassion. I don’t know what is truly going on with her, but I can promise she likes it a lot less than you do. She probably feels like she is now going to fail her entire life. She’s scared.
Please find out what is going on - and if she is too afraid to tell you, then pay for a good therapist. She can get through this, and she will get through it in a much faster and healthier way if she feels she has you 100% on her team.
(I turned out just fine in the long run, btw. I have a long list of impressive credentials to my name, and I enjoy my life. But I did it without the love and support of my parents, who always blamed me for not being a success at my first college. THEY failed as parents, in my opinion. They cared much more about what the neighbors thought then they did about what I desperately needed at the time.)
Hugs to you and your daughter!
You’ve already gotten great advice here but just wanted to remind you that some times life’s biggest successes come after the worst failures. I think that’s when we learn and grow the most.
Be supportive. Get your D the help and support she needs. Tell her you love her no matter what. Get rid of the blame. Get rid of the message that she doesn’t have a work ethic.
I bet she has not failed out. One semester on academic probation doesn’t generally result in a dismissal.
Encourage her to reach out to her academic advisor. Be sure she’s in the right major for her strengths, shore her up with tutors, counseling, and whatever other support SHE thinks she needs/wants.
Forget about everything else and love her.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I have a friend who went through a similar experience, and it’s heartbreaking when the people who should have your back the most act like this.
OP, not sure what exactly the issue with your daughter is, but sitting and watching movies all day from a hitherto decent student sounds like depression or some form of inability to cope. Please be understanding. Her long term mental health is more important than spending an extra semester at college, regardless whether or not you make her pay for that. You’ve got some excellent advice here, please don’t disregard it.
Not enough information here to really comment but respect your privacy. So don’t answer if you don’t want to.
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What is her actual status? On probation, or dismissed? Any conditions? Was she on any scholarship dependent on GPA? If find it strange that she would be dismissed if all other semesters were fine (especially with COVID).
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Did she do school remotely (at home or from her apartment?) for this past semester? (One of my kids teaches and the university has told them to give A’s as much as possible considering the impact of the virus.)
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Most importantly, are there mental health factors involved? With COVID? Or prior to COVID? Prior do this year or only recently?
If she had seen a counselor at college (ask her), it is possible to get a medical withdrawal, with the grades wiped clean. Not all schools will do this but some will, even retroactively. I suggest you talk to the school about her options. In that case it could be a medical leave, and there would be certain conditions for returning, that prove her ability to do the work after treatment.
You have not failed as a parent. I don’t think we can take credit for our kids’ accomplisments or the blame for their problems, at some point. If she is depressed, that is often a clinical problem that has no relation to you.
Try not to focus on your feelings of failure and focus on hers. Her behavior shows a need to handle this situation with trust and love, as others have said. Then the next time life throws her a challenge, she will talk to you about it.
Many kids do a kind of head in the sand thing, a kind of denial, that isn’t exactly lying. It’s more compicated than that.
Many of us have gone through this with our kids and can tell you that they come out the other side. The path may or may not be what you expected. Help her find her way through, by listening, giving space, maybe helping her find counseling, and understanding there is no rush, things will work out.
Yep, the key is to be nonjudgmental and to emphasize that her life really is indeed up to her. She can really be anybody she wants to be. Or not if she chooses. But everything has trade-offs. And in the end, while you’re there to support her, she’s captain and master of her own life, for better or worse. Now try to find out what goals she has, what fears, what hopes. What is she avoiding? Maybe engage the services of a therapist for all that.
Also, deep slow breathing exercises help a lot.
And getting enough sleep is required for anything.
Kids also lie about grades because of magical thinking - if they ignore the issue it is not real. In many schools, a student can (or is required) to re-take a class with an F.
I am sure you are angry and frustrated, as many of us would be. As others have said, the key is to figure out why this happened. Was it the online learning due to the virus (a work friend’s son ended up dropping a class and failing another for that reason), mental health issues (which can crop up at this age), a new boyfriend, partying, substance abuse, or that the classes got much harder now that she is in more advanced classes and her studying didn’t keep up. Or she has decided she doesn’t like her major.
While support is critical, her actions (assuming it is not health related) still result in consequences. While her grades will determine her future, I assume you are paying tuition and that you assumed she would finish in 4 years. Beyond setting up a system for future success, consequences could include taking a loan to pay for an extra semester, doing summer school, or taking some time off school and working. You may also need to set up some ground rules for her to return to school.
One of mine is on a crooked path, not yet back in school. He failed a few classes but got enough As and Bs that his overall GPA did not put him into academic probation. He re-took two classes and then decided he didn’t want to finish school due to depression.
Good luck to both of you. Hopefully, this will all work out.