I just recently found out that my step daughter has lied to me and her father for months. She had received very low marks her last semester of school and lost her scholarship. She had signed up for an apartment for the current school year and even went to move in. I spent money on rent for the 1st two months knowing we would be paid back for the 2nd month once her housing reimbursement came back, spent a large amount of money to get her apartment set up with all she would need. We found received a text message stating she was actively looking for a sublease for her apartment because she withdrew from classes before the tuition reimbursement was to be sent out. No she has not only used her father and I but also will be ruining her credit, and her life. Her mother does not seem phased by any of this and also does not find any loss as she never contributed to her apartment and or college needs. I am so angry and want to cut her off from gym membership, car insurance and cell phone bill due to these being luxuries, yet my husband wants to wait and see where her head is and what her plan is. Am I wrong to be this angry and betrayed and also feeling that I am just an ATM to her?
This is a stepchild – honestly, it is your husband’s job to deal with her, IMHO. You can make your feelings clear to him, but I’d stay out of the exchange with her.
A friend of mine did this in college. Flunked out beginning of sophomore year, and scammed his father for a few more semesters by photocopying a friends report card and altering the name. His father cut him off afterward, and the kid drifted into a life of a busboy and short order cook. Some people are not cut out for college and, despite the parents best wishes, they should not be there.
Be supportive, but I would not be subsidizing gym, car and cell phone.
I bet this is a lot more common than you think. A friend had her son – not a stepson – do this to her. She and her parents were driving up to attend his graduation (and to stay in the hotel rooms they had reserved nonrefundably months earlier) when he finally called and admitted he had had to withdraw nine months earlier.
Life is long. Things were frosty for a long, long time between them – and he had to live in her house for a couple of years, too – but ultimately he got his life more or less back on track, got a job, finished his degree, got a better job, moved out, and long before that they had gone back to being mother and son. What he did was a terrible betrayal, but it was massively immature, not malicious, and over the course of their lives it’s really just a blip. (OK, a pretty big blip.)
Even though this is your stepdaughter, you still plan – I assume – to have a lifetime relationship with her. She obviously needs some serious parenting, and your role is to be supportive of that, not to call the shots. But you should take the long view. Permanent subsidies would be a terrible idea, but a couple of months of cell phone and gym while she gets straight what kind of life she is living is not an outrageous investment in maintaining a relationship and keeping her healthy and communicating.
And remember, as bad as this is for you, it is probably worse for your husband and much, much worse for his daughter. If you flip out over it, you are both (a) telling both of them implicitly that they should be going off like rockets, which is probably not a great message right now, and (b) telling both of them that you care a lot more about yourself than about her, which is also probably not a great message. Try to be part of the solution, not an additional problem your husband and stepdaughter have to cope with.
You and your husband need to discuss this situation and how to deal with his daughter. Another big issue is why she did not tell her father about the loss of her scholarship much earlier. Yes, the girl took money from you and her father, so (I think) there should be a plan for restitution. I would also want to know about the delay. Assuming she won’t be in school, I expect she would get a job and have money to reimburse her father and/or pay for her own insurance and phone and/or both contribute to restitution and paying personal bills. Hope she didn’t use your personal money because, like your efforts, that is pretty much gone.
Where does she plan to live and eat? That concerns me in two ways. First, she returns home and plans to resume her life as an fee-free adolescent. Second, she plans and maybe already has moved in with school friends and wants help paying her way. Right now she doesn’t have good options other than than mercy and the kindness of strangers, but that won’t last long. How will you retrieve or dispose of her possessions at college?
You are clearly angry which is legitimate to me, but you seem to also be spitting mad. This is your child by marriage so you likely have a limited speaking part in the discussion. How is she ruining her financial credit? Her father provided money, but did she take out loans or has other financial obligations? Again, she needs a job to take care of outstanding debts. Ruining her life? No, she didn’t commit a crime with serious prison time. She didn’t ruin her life unless the school situation is only an example of ongoing problems or she continues to flaunt personal and financial obligations. Those would be addressed by therapy of some sort. Calm down. Please don’t let this situation wreck your marriage, the money isn’t worth that.
It’s understandable that you feel betrayed. If it were my child I’d first want to know what’s going on with her. Are you okay? What happened? Why didn’t you feel comfortable telling us?
When you say “I spent money on rent and on setting up the apartment” - is this your money coming from only your earnings or a joint account with your husband containing joint funds? I agree with sentiment that this is really your husband’s battle to fight since it involves your step daughter.
It is good that you have started this thread, this is a safe place to vent. It may be difficult for you to read a lot of opinions that might frustrate you. But I encourage you to read them anyway. You are going to get different perspectives. The folks who post are looking at a situation that they are not emotionally attached to, so they can be more calm, and maybe throw out some ideas you have not yet thought of.
Figure out what needs to be addressed more immediately, and what decisions can be put off til later. Is she staying in the apartment you helped her move into, or is she leaving her college town and returning home. Is home with her mom or with you and her dad?
You are involved in this situation because you are married to her father. Your best position is to speak with your husband and make decisions together, then stand behind him and let him do all the talking with his daughter. Maybe even without you around. That may be hard, but you want her to speak honestly with your husband, and she may not be comfortable doing that with you in the room.
There may be mental/physical issues that caused a crash in her life, and you do want to be able to address the cause so that there can be a future for her. Or maybe she just partied and drank and didn’t attend classes. But a calm conversation that can admit you are disappointed, but she is still loved and you are willing to get through this together, that kind of talk would help pave the road for healing the hurts in this relationship.
Now, that shouldn’t mean she escapes consequences. It just means you lay out ground rules and work together to find common goals. Does she want to repair whatever needs to be repaired to rejoin her college? Or does she need time to stay home, get a job, and maybe go to counseling? Maybe rethink her goals for her life?
Take a few deep breaths. This situation seems fixable. But vent here instead of to your step-daughter’s face. Your anger is understandable, but try to restrain yourself for now.
Op- big hug. I’m sure this is a very frustrating situation for all of you.
One thought- figure out the end game. Seems to me your end game is to have this kid graduate from college (eventually) and become financially independent (eventually) and maintain a loving relationship with her father and by extension- with you. That’s a good long term objective, no?
Then figure out how to get from here to there. Poisoning the well now with your anger and feelings of betrayal aren’t going to get her back to college at some point, or get her on the road to employment, or certainly not feeling loved and supported by her dad when her adolescence hits a speed bump.
She hasn’t been selling meth to 9 year olds. So as much as you can feel like she’s screwed up her life, believe me- there are MUCH worse ways for kids to screw up their lives.
Get some perspective on this (get a grip on your own, quite justifiable anger) before you react. This is her dad’s battle to fight, but you can help make sure everyone stays focused on the end game.
Sort of been on the other side of this (not as the kid, but went through it as a parent and playing out what blossom called the “end game.”)
My S basically stopped going to classes his senior year. (Long story, doesn’t matter). We sensed things were, off, odd, wrong, and finally figured it out and had him withdraw, mid-way through 8th semester. (An Ivy, if it matters.) Withdrawal got us a little money back, but not a lot. Things were–awkward–at our house. He came home. Got a job. Lived with us for 6 years, on and off, mostly on. Paid some rent. It was brutal, but we knew, at the same time, that he was the same wonderful, thoughtful, smart, funny kid we’d always known. We could have done a lot of things to draw the line, break the pattern, force him out. We could have given ultimatums.
But we didn’t. We waited. We kept the doors open.
Two years ago, he jumped through hoops to get himself re-accepted to his college. he moved heaven and earth to take the 20 credits he needed in one semester to get his degree. We watched him graduate. he Joked that he should have painted onto his mortarboard an 08 crossed out, with a '14 below it.
He got a great job. He got an apartment. He’s the same great kid we knew before, who hit a bump and figured out how to get past it, and I am grateful every day that we didn’t act, out of disappointment or anger or any other threatening s stew of emotions, in a way that would have hurt the relationship we have today.
That doesn’t mean we didn’t hold him accountable, but it does mean we kept paramount how much we loved him.
I agree with finding out what happened. This must have been a substantial scholarship if it included housing.
So I assume D was a good student. Did something happen to her, was she overwhelmed, had medical problems?
Then make a plan of action with dad. He can get her belongings. Bring her home.
I agree that she should get a job and counseling if she needs it.
It’s understandable to be upset that she knew that she had lost her scholarship but she let you pay rent and “set up” her apt. Since she was “already in lie mode,” seems like she could have come up with an excuse to prevent that while she “seemed” to be buying time.
However, this is really her dad’s area to deal with, since it’s his DD. You need to hold your tongue around her because WHATEVER you say that is negative will be remembered by her forever. Her dad can get away with “being tough,” but you can’t.
Sounds like either she was overwhelmed by her major or depression hit last year.
Maybe she experienced a traumatic event (sexual assault or some such). It needs to be explored.
At least it didn’t get to the level of the student who called in the bomb threat at graduation so her parents wouldn’t discover that she’d dropped out months earlier… http://time.com/104765/quinnipiac-university-graduation-bomb-threat/
OMG don’t write her off yet. She is a kid who made a big mistake. Go from here and work things out. I can understand the anger, frustration, etc. But, let it go.
I agree with the other advice you’ve received so far. One other thing to consider is that she may have lied because she was embarrassed about what happened and/or didn’t want to disappoint anyone rather than because she was trying to get away with something.
Read Garland’s post. Similar thing happened with one of mine.
Kids mess up. However, I would be very concerned with why. Is there a drug or alcohol problem? That is much, much harder to deal with. My friend is going through this right now. She is at a loss. Of course, the daughter doesn’t think it’s a big deal,
She doesn’t even know where to start. She has come to accept her daughter will not be going back to college any time soon, but she doesn’t know what to do w/ her since she has moved back home.
I feel badly for her, but I don’t even know what to say to her. What should be their first steps? Is there someone the mom should be contacting? She wants to know how she should proceed. I suggested family counseling. I don’t know if that will work w/ a kid involved w/ drugs, but it might be a very good place for your family. ??
I feel for you OP, as it is such a disappointment & being a step parent only complicates things.
One of my daughter’s apartmentmates did the same thing…When my DD found out that ended the friendship as she felt she was being lied to.
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Find out what was the cause. This should be done compassionatley and perhaps with a counselor.
Is there depression? Some kind of traumatic event that triggered this? Drugs/alcohol? -
Figure out her plan
Does she plan to move home? If so, make sure she is packed before you get there. Take the furniture/stuff and put it into storeage/your garage. This can be used in the future. -
Set expectations
Is she going to work? Is she to help out around the house? If she needs medical/mental health help, she needs to focus on that.
I would charge rent… if there is no major reason she has dropped out.
I would consider still paying for phone and car insurance as that is necessary. Gym membership is not.
People do get kicked out of college, and I am sure it is not something they want to yell from the rooftops. It is a bit unfortunate that she had you set up her apartment, and maybe telling that her relationship with her father didn’t stop this earlier. Before you keep drumming on this one though, make sure she was not still appealing the decision and absolutely knew this was a waste of time and money.
People do go back to college. If she was able to get a scholarship and actually did OK in other semesters, she can move down a tier or two or maybe to CC and get a good degree. A friend of mine only lasted a year in engineering and was asked to leave. She started working and commuting to school at 2nd tier school and graduated with an accounting degree in maybe only a year longer.
People also decide they aren’t college material and want to do something else. Some people need a few years of mind-numbing low paying work to see why college is worth all that effort. I know adults who returned to school in their mid 20s, some in their 40s.
Life is long, this is her life, and you have to make sure you are on the side of her being healthy, happy, and successful, whatever that means to her. The idea that there is only one chance at life is so limiting … and so untrue.
Or she could have a genuine problem … which seems likely if this fall from grace was abrupt.
Have your husband figure out what happens and decide if he wants to involve you in the next planning phase (he can decide if there is a reason that you would accept and be supportive or if you will just keep feeling she failed you personally somehow). He can be diplomatic, stay low on your angry reaction and stay low on feeding you info that will just make you more angry.
I’d lay off the Target purchases or just give them to charity or whatever. Maybe consider if the time spent with her was enjoyable in some way or helped you become closer. This is a long term relationship, so make sure you see things in that perspective.