My CommonApp Essay - Does it stand out? (no need to proofread/only 500words)

Applying to College
41

<p>“The person I am today has been influenced by my life and experiences in Europe.” </p>

<p>Cut that out, it’s useless and fluffy.</p>

<p>French Romanticist author Alphonse de Lamartine says ‘‘There is no man more complete than one who has traveled a lot, who has changed twenty times the shape of his thoughts and his life’’, and I can relate to this so much. </p>

<p>Get rid of “and I can relate to this so much.”</p>

<p>I was born to a Palestinian father and an American mother; their culture grandly influenced me in becoming who I am. I was born in Athens, Greece, and after a few years in California and Saudi Arabia, my mother and I moved to Southern France. I earned a French education and became fluent in the French language. France became my ‘‘homeland’’, and my favorite place. The culture, literature, architecture, art, landscape and all else encompassed in the country, fascinates me. </p>

<p>I traveled a lot throughout Europe, which enriched me in several ways. </p>

<p>Change to “I traveled through Europe frequently.”</p>

<p>I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances. </p>

<p>Add “than I.”</p>

<p>I discovered the various beauties of the world and how inspiring it is. I felt alive when I set foot on new territories: France, Germany, Austria, Slovenia, Croatia, Italy, Scotland, Saudi Arabia, Israel, they all amazed me. </p>

<p>Since you lived in France and Saudi Arabia, remove them from your list of “new territories.”</p>

<p>I fell in love with traveling and the pursuit of knowledge. These experiences had significant influence on my life. I wanted to be a cultivated person in order to make a difference in the future. In The Chosen, Chaim Potok writes ‘‘a man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life’’, and a life with meaning is what I desired to acquire. </p>

<p>Try “I yearn/ed for a life with meaning.”</p>

<p>I focused on experiencing new things: trips to Paris, driving through Europe, participating in student protests for education reform, learning to play the piano, etc. Through this I felt I was mentally preparing myself for the future. I educated my spirit through the readings of European authors such as Sartre, Kant, Zola, Rousseau, Montesquieu, and Voltaire. They inspired me and influenced my vision of society, people, politics, and the world. </p>

<p>This confuses me. You say your time in Europe altered you, so why are you talking about European writers. While I’m sure they influenced you, you can read these authors’ works anywhere. Perhaps consider revision.</p>

<p>My experiences in Europe made me view life in a philosophical way, seeing matters of the heart, mind, and soul. As Thomas Wolfe said, ''we are the sum of all the moments of our lives; all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it"; the moments of my life spent in Europe entirely shaped me and couldn’t have been more beneficial to my mind. </p>

<p>You already said this. Repetitive.</p>

<p>We’re all forced to make choices; I believe each bad one will eventually lead us to good ones. That belief has helped me maintain an optimist’s view. We must believe in our dreams and in ourselves. Most importantly we must live with the choices we make, and grow from them. </p>

<p>This has nothing to do with your topic. You’re trying to do too much with one essay.</p>

<p>My cultural background, educational experience, and my being bilingual, in addition to my international travels and experiences are significant assets that will help me bring diversity, maturity, and passion to my college career and help me towards success.</p>

<p>Good ending! I would consider focusing your essay more, it is a little scattered and it seems like you have such a narrow topic that it doesn’t fit to me. I feel like your essay has important bits and pieces. Maybe focus on the philosophical/ book perspective of this. I feel like that would be stronger! Good luck!</p>

42

<p>^^ I agree with the last two posts.
Your essay isn’t really bad, it just felt like I am reading a 25+ year old’s essay than a 18 year old. By the way, CC posters are known not to sugar coat…that is what we are there for…nothing personal. It is still probably better than what a lot of other folks submit.</p>

43

<p>I wasn’t expecting any sugarcoating, but I guess some messages just really discouraged me, that’s it, but i’m not upset, other than with myself I guess.
Thank you for the advice guys. I’ll just have to wait and see, since the stuff has been sent in, all I can do is hope and wait…I guess I was mostly just surprised cause I didn’t feel my essay was as “poor” and “dull” as some have shared.</p>

44

<p>Dear Nina,</p>

<p>Most of the suggestions here are apt, although some of them may be a bit caustic. The main thing is, you want to bring your readers with you into the inner processes of your mental world. This is what people mean when they say “depth,” “engagement,” and “thoughtfulness.” General references to travel or living in foreign countries are not effective, because a casual tourist can do that. Think of what distinguishes your foreign experiences from those of a pedestrian traveler. Was there a particular event (or two) that threw you into confusion, reflection, and perhaps reconciliation? Don’t just say living abroad changed you. We want to know how and, more important, how you dealt with those changes as a thinking person.</p>

<p>The Common App aside, you have shown that you are a curious person and constantly engaging with your environment to better yourself. That’s a hallmark of a young mind of great potential. Your essay as it stands now may not be a model of unequaled elegance, but it is really not bad and I am sure is good enough for a lot of very good places. Stay curious and positive in college. You will do just fine.</p>

45

<p>Thank you. I felt like I was making the point that my living in France had inspired me and sparked intellectual/philosophical interest in my life. I felt that through what I was saying I was proving the point that my experiences have helped me become the motivated, curious, and dedicated person that I am today. I tried not to get into too much detail, because of the word limit. I felt that the quotes helped show my “mindset” and “thoughts” about my life and education.</p>

<p>Distinctive experiences that affected me would be those I mentioned about political/educational protests for example, the involvement in my country’s future etc, and just how different that involvement is in France, and how it influenced me.</p>

<p>I feel that my recommendation letters and counselor statement could possibly help me out by showing how hard i’ve been working since I moved to the USA and all the progress i’ve made.</p>

<p>Anyhow thanks again for all the replies, they’ve given me a lot of “food for thought” (if that’s the correct expression?)</p>

46

<p>You got excellent suggestions from #41. I would adjust one of them for grammar: </p>

<p>the suggestion:I discovered new cultures and people living in dramatically different circumstances. Add “than I.”</p>

<p>it’s grammatical to say “different from”, not “different than.” So possibly: “different circumstances from my own.”</p>

<p>think feeling a responsibility to say something appropriate and acceptable makes it tremendously hard for many applicants to write directly about themselves. What these many commenters are largely saying is, it would be great to convey a better sense of who you are, if you do apply to other schools. you mention politics & protest–that would be interesting to hear about.</p>

<p>best of luck. your first college paper will probably be corrected less rigorously than this essay!</p>

47

<p>Thank you!
I was hoping that talking about my political/educational involvement in protests etc might spark an interest in my application/essay. I’d think that schools look for students that are involved in society and want to make a difference, I tried to make it clear that i’m that kind of person, throughout my applications…
I really am motivated and hard working, I hope admissions won’t be too harsh on this essay.</p>

48

<p>The essay’s just one piece of a big package. Don’t worry.</p>

49

<p>I know, but being that I have such a low cumulative GPA…
Anyhow, thanks! I’m trying not to get too discouraged :)</p>

50

<p>“I was hoping that talking about my political/educational involvement in protests etc might spark an interest in my application/essay”</p>

<p>That’s a great thought. It would have been great if your essay focused just on that, in a personal way, and as a story. the other thing, growing up in Europe isn’t an accomplishment, something you have done yourself. It’s passive. It’s like the rich kids who get to go to Thailand and do a community service project. Yes they learned something and it’s a great experience, but their parents paid $10,000 for it, and the kids are just passively going with the program. Better to stay home and volunteer at the animal shelter, IMHO. In other words, it doesn’t speak to the capabilities of the applicant, it just confirms the persons privileged social status.</p>

<p>You sound like a sweet and thoughtful kid. I don’t think your essay is bad! It’s just not powerful. What it shows is you haven’t been coached, which is actually kind of charming.</p>

<p>I wish you all the best. Im sure it is very hard to put yourself out there like you have.</p>

<p>In the future, the comma or period goes BEFORE the end quotation mark. Like this: “This is the sentence.” </p>

<p>After a colon use a capital letter.</p>

<p>But that’s water under the bridge.</p>

51

<p>Why did you revive this? You know she made a thread with her new modified essay- so post there instead of here.</p>

52

<p>Why would I know? Just trying to be helpful.</p>

53

<p>I apologize then, and I’m sure the topic creator would like some criticism. Here’s the link to the other thread <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/1271810-edited-essay-once-again-asking-opinions.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/1271810-edited-essay-once-again-asking-opinions.html&lt;/a&gt;. Again, I apologize.</p>

54

<p>Seems too cliche IMO.</p>

55

<p>Thank you for the thoughts Redpoint, I just wish I had been smart, and edited this essay in time instead of submitting it the way it was. I kind of feel like I ruined all my chances with this. But i’m changing it for my last couple of schools, so hopefully I can make something good out of it!</p>

56

<p>After glancing over it, here are a few things I noticed.</p>

<p>You are repetitive in sentence structure. (“I did this…” “I did that…” “I then did that…”) Try changing up how you word your sentences or the reader will quickly lose interest (as I did).</p>

<p>Also, as others have said, you spend 3/4s of your essay talking about how you were influenced, and only in a small portion at the end talk about what that means for you. It should be the other way around. They want to know about what you’ve done because of these influences, not what the influences are. (Which, even then the last 1/4 of your essay doesn’t do or does poorly.)</p>

<p>And to answer your original question (bluntly), no it does not stand out to me. </p>

<p>I’m also not a fan of using too many quotes. Even though you only used 2, I believe the writing should be entirely yours, though that is not a big deal so don’t worry about it.</p>

57

<p>About the punctuation within the quotations: In Europe, where the OP went to school for much of her life, many countries put the punctuation outside of the quotation marks unless it is specifically part of the quotation. In America, we do the opposite, putting the punctuation on the inside, unless it is specifically not part of the quotation (e.g. a question mark). So that would explain why she wrote it that way. Though she should correct it going forward for apps to US schools, if adcoms are familiar with the fact that most European countries do it the opposite way, they’ll probably forgive it.</p>