<p>: (</p>
<p>probably not. What's up?</p>
<p>He yells at me all the time and then starts comparing me to my friends, saying how they're so much better and more successful than me and he wishes they were his kids instead of me.</p>
<p>Sounds to me as though he hates himself and how his life turned out and wants you to be what he isn't. Believe me, it has nothing to do with hating you. I'm sure he just wants you to have a better life than he has.</p>
<p>Parents can say some unfortunate things sometimes. Often, they don't even know how hurtful they're being. It's hard not to take it personally, but it's probably more because of his problems than yours--don't tell him this though. {{{hugs}}} from us to you since berurah isn't here yet. You'll get through this.</p>
<p>mathwiz, I'm so sorry. As you now know, parents are very fallible beings. They often say things in anger that they don't truly mean. If you can put your hurt aside for a moment, realize that when your father says these things, in some way he's talking more about himself and his own shortcomings than he is about you.</p>
<p>I grew up with a verbally abusive dad, who nevertheless could be a wonderful man at times. His anger grew out of the frustrations he felt in his daily life. He's been gone for many years and never had the chance to apologize to his children, but I am convinced that, if he could, he would tell us how sorry he is for the pain he caused us.</p>
<p>Peace and hugs, dear.</p>
<p>thanks you guys</p>
<p>mathwiz,
I am so sorry you have to hear this. I also grew up with a dad who never, ever said anything nice to us. Lots of yelling and glaring. After he had passed away an Aunt said to me, "You know how proud of you your father was." I had no idea, but as an adult I have come to realize that as parents we often say things we really don't mean. We make mistakes. As others have said, this isn't about you. Even so, I know it's hard to hear from him.</p>
<p>Mathwiz, he doesn't mean it. He really doesn't. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with where he is in his head. Parents can sometimes get goofy, especially when faced with beloved children leaving home for college, careers and adulthood. He doesn't hate you.</p>
<p>Everything is going to be o.k.</p>
<p>um, is he okay physically? He's over-the-top. Hyperthyroidism popped into my mind; also bipolar disorder...
is there someone you can ask, lovingly and out of concern for your dad's health..like your mom, his sister, anybody like that?
Pressures are real, but when was the last time he had a physical?</p>
<p>Elsewhere, you mentioned your Dad is an Iranian Muslim. Perhaps these yelling episodes are some culture shock on his part to differences with American style education and social patterns. But only you can figure that out. That makes me think he might be frustratrated over the context in which you are growing up. Which could mean: he loves you but hates your surroundings. Doesn't hate you.</p>
<p>Mathwiz - sometimes what your parent is saying and what you are hearing are 2 different things. I know I was very shocked to learn that my D believed I did not think she can succeed in certain areas when in fact I think the opposite (I think that she can succeed in anything). But somehow our communication broke down for a while. In retrospect i probably pushed too hard sometimes because I do think she is so capable. I wish I had it to do again so i could handle it better. I know I was horrified when I realised what she thought - probably your Dad would be too. When it all came out we talked about it and realised we were communicating really badly. Try talking to your Dad about how you are feeling. In the meantime big hugs to you.</p>
<p>mathwiz-
I suspect that he thinks that he is doing what's best for you by trying to motivate you to do/be your best. </p>
<p>I suspect that he feels frightened by what he sees around him and what he fears will be there in the future: the unpredictable nature of employment, changing culture, etc. </p>
<p>I suspect that his own parents interacted with him this way and he doesn't know another way.</p>
<p>Understanding and dealing with these things in a way that is not harmful to yourself requires a great deal of maturity on your part...more than you should, perhaps, be required to display. BUT, if you can find a way to accept that your dad wants what is best for you and is doing HIS best (however misguided), you will move on to the next part of your life in good shape.</p>
<p>Hard? Yes. Can you do it every minute of every day? No, nor should you. But do try. Seeing that our parents are fallible and that they are (one hopes) doing the best they can is a major milestone in the progress to adulthood.</p>
<p>Please hang in there, and try.</p>
<p>~Mafool</p>
<p>Tell him to **** off, seriously.</p>
<p>If my parents ever said that to me I would.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Tell him to **** off, seriously.</p>
<p>If my parents ever said that to me I would.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Oh good, problem solved.</p>
<p>mathwhiz -- from the other thread it is obvious that you and your dad are arguing right now about college choice -- your dad wants you to go to Olin, you would have liked to have considered Cal Tech.</p>
<p>I have a piece of advice: You cannot control your father, but you can control your own attitude and your own future. Olin offers you something that Cal Tech does not -- more freedom from your father because you will be less tied to him for money. The cost of attendance for you at Olin -- limited to room & board & incidentals - is about $16K annually, and if you had to, you could pay for that entirely only your own, through summer earnings and loans, and still be finishing college with an amount of debt that would be easily manageable on a entry-level engineering salary. I'm not saying that you should do this -- but once you start college you will know with every conversation you had with your father that the financial strings that give him power over you are minimal... whereas with Cal Tech you would be much more reliant on him.</p>
<p>In the greater scheme of your life and your future, it probably makes no difference which college you attend: both are excellent colleges and both will afford an excellent education. You may very well find yourself getting your undergrad degree from Olin, and then attending Cal Tech for grad school. </p>
<p>A good deal of what your father is saying to you now is part of the emotions of separation and letting go as it is -- your father is handling things badly, yelling at you when he should be reaching out -- but the emotions are the same: he is really upset and angry because you are about to grow up and leave home, and he feels a real sense of personal loss. </p>
<p>I think if you "won" the Cal Tech battle you might have found in the long run you had lost, because the Cal Tech war with your father might have been one that lasted 4-years -- rehashed every time a payment was due, with a constant litany of complaints and recriminations. Basically, it could have been 4 years of your father laying a constant guilt trip on you about the money. </p>
<p>Right now it feels to you like Olin is a victory for your father: he succeeds in forcing you go to the college of his choice, not yours. (But remember, it was your choice too, until you heard from Cal Tech). </p>
<p>But as soon as you pack your bags and leave for Olin.... it will become your life, your college, your experience -- your dad will be out of the picture. </p>
<p>So do yourself a favor and embrace the opportunity that is before you, and make the best of your 4 years at Olin. And grow up -- just because your father is acting like a jerk does not mean that you have to play the role of a belligerent child. If you simply let the emotional battle go and move on with your life, you will be happier in the long run. Trust me.</p>
<p>mathwiz, You are a son every father will be proud of and your father is not an exception. But once for a while in life, there is a stressful moment and this is the time to be careful and thoughtful. Don't make hasty decision and don't say things that hurt your dad's feeling. Treat your father with respect and protect his dignity as his culture demands. Focus on solve problem creatively. You are smart, you could do it.</p>
<p>I disagree about the Olin choice. If your heart is set on CalTech, you should go for it. It will be much harder for you to get into CalTech again than it will be for your father to make the payments when the university sends him a bill. Even if there are arguments with every payment, even if you have to take time off to make money for school (or work during school), you will at least have what you want and not what someone else wants. I am a firm believer in launching yourself into life, your own life, with your own values held high.</p>
<p>craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawling iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin my skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin</p>
<p><em>edit</em></p>
<p>O, dang, didn't actually read the thread.</p>
<p>I'll just exit quietly.</p>
<p>Again, my dad knows me better than I do (I say this in all seriousness)</p>
<p>Olin '11, here I come!</p>
<p>Congratulations on your future financial freedom. Your father has given you two huge gifts: the freedom to choose your career based on love, not money; the ability to ***** and moan about how things could have been different if YOU'd been in charge....</p>
<p>Now, it's up to you to make the best of an EXCELLENT situation.</p>