I really just need to vent about my dad right now

Parents Forum
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<p>I wanted some feedback from the parents here. My relationship with my dad is pretty bad; we barely talk and when I was younger, he would chastise me for the most ridiculous things (I moved the speaker outlet for his computer from the desk to the floor when I was 6 or so years old and that resulted in being grounded indefinitely). I'm willing to obviously put all that in the past, as I'm not going to hold a grudge over some silly childhood punishment.</p>

<p>But as I see it now, the reason our relationship still hasn't gotten better is because of the way he approaches subjects that are important to me. For example, he wasn't involved at all in the college admissions process. My parents have agreed to pay for my undergrad education but it's really my mom who is int he loop with what colleges I applied to and got into, etc. That doesn't bother me because we're both at fault here; he should've made the effort to get in the loop but I guess I should've informed him too</p>

<p>But what really annoys me is AFTER college decisions come out (I got into all of my safeties, rejected at MIT, and waitlisted at 3 reach/target schools), he asks me where I got into. So I tell him, and this is how the conversation goes:</p>

<p>Him: So where'd you get into college?
Me: WPI, Tulane, and RPI, waitlisted at Columbia, CMU, Rice
Him: I've never heard of those schools (the first three), you sure they're good?
Me: They're not bad colleges, and their apps were free and they're offering me good scholarships
Him: You know, just because their applications were free, doesn't make them good colleges. I'm only telling you because my friend's brother-in-law just graduated from MIT and said that it's ALL about how prestigous the college is that you go to</p>

<p>I didn't really say anything more to him then, but seriously, would you like me to apply to MIT again? I just told you I didn't get in, no need to rub it in. He also constantly asks me if I know what type of engineering I want to major in yet as he's convinced I'm going to choose the one that pays the most money. I think that's a ridiculous approach to it. I mean, I can udnerstand wanting me to make money and be successful, but I also want to ENJOY me college experience and I know right now electrical engineering ISN'T for me. </p>

<p>Also, my family is pretty middle-class, maybe upper middle class. We can afford a 4-year college without a ton of aid but a school like MIT or COlumbia, we could never afford as my younger brother will be in college in just two years. If I had gotten into those schools, I would've never heard the end of it about how much it costs, but now that I didn't get in, it's like cost isn't an issue at all!</p>

<p>Last week, I found out I got off the waitlist to Rice and that was my second choice. Needless to say I was happy. And when I told my dad, the first thing he did was google engineering rankings and tell me that RPI was a higher ranked engineering institution than Rice. Seriously, I can't even take this stupidity anymore. I spent months deciding what colleges I'd be happiest at. He spent 5 minutes at a computer clicking and typing and the only thing he got was the most objective ranking you could get. </p>

<p>I guess it isn't solely my dad. A few weeks ago, I for some reason got some college brochures in the mail even though it was mid April. And my mom hands me the brochures with the comment "What's happening? Do these colleges know one else wants you so they're trying to recruit you now?" I wasn't really upset by it since I'm pretty indifferent to anything either of them says now but really? REALLY? Talk about sour grapes. And it's half their fault if I didn't get into the schools THEY wanted...</p>

<p>/rant</p>

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<p>“I’m only telling you because my friend’s brother-in-law just graduated from MIT and said that it’s ALL about how prestigous the college is that you go to”</p>

<p>FWIW that is a pretty typical comment of people who graduate from institutions that they believe are more prestigious than others. Just do your best to ignore this kind of dumb comment.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your parents. I take it you’re the oldest? It’s your job to help them understand this process. Don’t blame them.

Excuse me?! See, back when I was applying, I applied to one or two colleges. Today’s process is completely different. </p>

<p>For now, you should be thrilled to get into Rice. Great school. But it’s your job to explain why it’s a wonderful school. Start at the beginning and show some patience. Just think of yourself as teaching and as a teacher, build up the step-by-step towards understanding.Talk to your parents as an adult. I think your dad will appreciate the fact that you’re conscientious about spending money. Rice is probably less expensive, so you can add that it was nominated as one the Best Values too.</p>

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<p>If your dad stays with your mom and supports your college education, you have a good dad. Work hard in college so you can become a better dad yourself.</p>

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<p>Congratulations on getting into Rice! It is a wonderful college and even better…a happy environment with amazing residential college culture…
Your parents sound very uninformed. I have a friend who went to RPI–</p>

<p>Find the best articles you can on Rice. Look in the Rice Alum magazines online and show your father what Rice has to offer. Since he deals in information (even badly sourced)…give the man some information to digest. You can suceed out of Rice just as well as out of RPI.
Call Career Services at Rice and get data from him or her and tell them that this is crucial to engage your uninformed parents.<br>
Your parents insults are based on ignorance, and ambivalence. Try to give them clarity.<br>
If possible, engage your high school counselor in clarifying for them what a fine education you can get at Rice where there are so many great kids, great weather, and personal classrooms and very good job outcomes (our engineering tour guide had a great job offer already)…
Try to make contact with career placement at Rice and get the facts on grad school, internships and jobs.
Ranks don’t mean as much as employability. Be strong…
wish you luck!</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you’re having this trouble. I agree - congrats on Rice!!! and you can explain to them how lovely it is with plenty of objective measurements. Incoming SAT scores? Research dollars? Median winter temperature? Student happiness surveys? Rice is a GREAT school - it was one of my son’s second choices as well.</p>

<p>BTW, in two years when your brother is also in college, the fin. aid process will understand that and the EFC will be divided in half for each kid (more or less) (says the parent of an only child). Good luck!</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you don’t have a good relationship with your father. It really isn’t terribly uncommon at your age, however that doesn’t make it any easier. Your mother was involved. That is a blessing. Do not discount that whatsoever. You had the knowledge on your own, and guidance to apply to some high level universities and gain some exciting acceptances! Congratulations!! Many students have support of neither parent, no knowledge base and are lucky to go to their state flagship… hope it’s good.</p>

<p>Perhaps you should look at the ratings your father was looking at and find the methodology used. Student and faculty surveys? Show your Dad several sources that rank engineering schools that show variation in rankings. Be respectful and non-confrontational. A big part of the engineering program for my son is research being done at each university and the facilities. Find out what’s happening at each and if you are interested in something specific being researched at Rice, let your Dad know. Suddenly rankings aren’t as important as the access and hands on experience you will have. </p>

<p>Show your dad the Freshman curriculum at Rice (most likely available on the internet) for engineers. All engineers take virtually the same classes the first 1-2 semesters. Your major isn’t selected until the spring of your freshman year. You don’t have to decide what type of engineering you will go into until you have the chance to expose yourself to various types and see which one really fits.</p>

<p>Take a breath and decide to deal with this in a mature way. Facts only. Give him a break. We are very involved parents and my H doesn’t know squat about most the stuff that goes on. We tell him, discuss it, talk about advantages of different schools, etc. It just doesn’t stick with his dad. Not because he doesn’t care, because it’s not his full time job. It’s my son’s… and mine. It’s our job to keep him in the loop so he is informed. </p>

<p>Pull your dad into the loop, understand he’s coming in in the 9th inning and you didn’t bring him to Spring training.</p>

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<p>When I got my first college acceptance my dad didn’t even ask about it until a week later, and when I finally made him let me tell him about it he said, “oh.” And then when I got word that I’d gotten a modest but much needed scholarship, he told me it was just a ploy to trick me into coming to the school. Nevermind that this was the cheapest school in the state, at the time my first choice, and really good in my intended program. No congratulations or anything. And as for money, when I started applying and asked if there were any savings or anything besides mine so that I could determine our budget, he laughed at me and refused to tell me that he spent my college fund until June. Some people just don’t get what this is all about. If it’s any consolation, you learn a lot of very valuable and very transferable skills by figuring these things out on your own. This is good practice for figuring out all the things you need to do after you graduate, too.</p>

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<p>I am a parent and I am telling you this - Rice is an awesome school for engineering, you should be proud!! Congrats!!! All colleges on your list are very well known and respected.</p>

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<p>Congratulations on your acceptances. You should be proud of yourself. Be confident that you will have wonderful experiences wherever you go and don’t get too hung up on what other people say about which school is better. As you get older, I hope your relationship improves with your father. I believe that it will. As you mature at college, you will come to accept and understand your father.</p>

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<p>JDong… a little personal story here. I love my son to distraction; from the time he was born, he’s been the center of my universe. It’s a big universe, but he’s the center of it. :)</p>

<p>After he got his sophomore PSAT scores, I did some poking around here and told him that I thought he could make NMSF if he raised his score by 10 points or so. Then I learned more about the process over the following year and found out how the scores varied and all that stuff.</p>

<p>One evening his junior year, when I picked him up from school, he came dashing up to me, sporting an ear-to-ear grin and waving a piece of paper. He had raised his score by 11 points, or maybe it was more. “Guess what, Mom?” he beamed, “I did it!! I made the cutoff!!”</p>

<p>Do you know what came out of my mouth? Not, “Wow, what an awesome improvement, way to go Dude!” That’s what I should have said. That’s what was in my heart. But what I said was, “Not necessarily – we won’t know what the cutoff is until next September.” Then I watched in dismay as his face fell right through the basement floor.</p>

<p>I certainly didn’t mean to hurt him, or to devalue his accomplishment or steal his thunder. I was just focused (sadly) on the future struggle instead of on the present accomplishment (maybe like your dad with the “prestige” thing and the major). I was correcting my own earlier errors (maybe like your dad when he looked up RPI and commented on its rank). And I was trying to shield my son from possible disappointment, not noticing the disappointment I was causing in the moment (maybe like your mom when she groused over the brochures). All of those impulses missed the real point, of course, which was the sun shining at that particular moment on the center of my universe.</p>

<p>Why am I telling you this? Because my story is a common one, because parents are human. Sometimes we just screw up, and sometimes we screw up even worse when we’re trying to make it better. We’re not supposed to be clueless, but sometimes we are, and we try not to let on. Knowing this probably won’t keep you from hurting when a parent does something dumb, but maybe it’ll take the sting out a little bit.</p>

<p>Obviously I don’t know your dad, but from the things you’ve said here, it sounds to me as if (in a kind of klutzy parental way) he wants the best for you. So if Rice is the option you want most out of the options you have, show him how it’s the best. Start by speaking his language – from your posts, that seems to be career/salary centered. How does Rice’s alumni network stack up? Job placement percentages, especially in the past couple of years? Starting salaries? When he’s satisfied on those pragmatic points, then he may be more receptive to all the other reasons you’re excited about attending Rice. Eventually, he may catch and share your excitement – maybe not even until you’re there, but don’t be surprised if he comes around when there’s some distance between you and he starts to see your life more exclusively through your eyes.</p>

<p>In the meantime, congratulations on your terrific range of college choices! Don’t let your dad rain on your parade; odds are he doesn’t mean to, and if he did mean to, he wouldn’t deserve to. Your acceptances are an accomplishment worth celebrating!</p>

<p>BTW, the cutoff went down that year; my son cleared it by a mile. And he’s starting to understand how proud I am of him… because I’m getting better at letting him know. ;)</p>

<p>Good luck to you, and enjoy your college years!</p>

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<p>JDong - If he is all hung up on rankings, how about pointing out to him that Rice is ranked #17 overall by USNWR and RPI #42. I personally don’t believe in these rankings, but so what? He apparently does, so use it to your advantage. Rice having a so much higher national ranking means it is more well thought of nationally and internationally because everyone sees that list. Then point out to him how much more balanced the atmosphere is at Rice, and that engineers don’t just have to deal with other engineers in their careers. That Rice has the “residential college” style dorms which means that you are immediately part of a cohesive group at the school. That Rice graduates have one of the top job placement records and salary results in the country. That Rice is in a major city which will offer you far more internship opportunities. And finally, that after hundreds of hours of researching all these schools, you are convinced this is where you will have the greatest success, and to please trust your judgement.</p>

<p>Best of luck.</p>

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<p>geek_mom, thta’s a lovely story. I do the same all the time.</p>

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<p>geek_mom, I just have to commend you on your honesty! I think it takes a person of much character to admit to themselves, let alone others, such a moment of parental error. As you said, parents are human and unfortunately, there are no “do-overs” even if we wish fervently for one in the split second the words come out of our mouths (or the expression crosses our face).</p>

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<p>Take a deep breath. Your father is your father, he might not say or do the things that you want but I am sure he is trying and he is there. You might try to understand where he is coming from - might not help your immediate interactions but give you a framework for understanding why he might say the things he says.</p>

<p>My husband is from China and says some of the strangest things to our son (who’s a jr looking at colleges) - alot of it comes from his cultural upbringing even though he came to the US and went to college here. Rankings and prestige are the be-all and end-all. Followed closely by “great bargain.” When we looked at colleges for our son, it was a totally foreign concept to him. “Who cares about “fit” or whether he would find extracurriculars that interest him???” </p>

<p>Be glad that your father cares about you, understand where he’s coming from and frame your decision in terms that he might appreciate. You have done your homework about what you want in a college, and he’s ok with paying for it. Make the decision your own, not to make him happy. If you go where you want, you will probably do well and bring in the grades that he will boast to his friends about.</p>

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<p>@geek_mom
Oh yes, you hit it exactly. I have done the exact thing. Now that my beloved son is ready to leave our home for his journey out into the world, I can reflect back on 18 years of parenting. It is really kind of amazing how different the view looks from here, compared to “before the child.” I now understand how grumpy, gripey parents can still be loving, adoring parents–a view that would have been impossible to see before I lived it.</p>

<p>We parents feel we must point out pitfalls, smooth the way, help them prepare, prevent missteps, sometimes with a desperate urgency of quickly passing time. The child, of course, feels this as nagging, criticizing, mistrust, disapproval.</p>

<p>And all the while we love them more than our own life.</p>

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<p>Great post from geek_mom. I’d be surprised if that story couldn’t be applied to all of us parents!</p>

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<p>A real parent talking here. If you are a kid memorize it.</p>

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<p>GOOD FOR YOU!!! What a terrific accomplishment! You not only pulled together the GPA, standardized test scores, ECs, etc to be accepted at some excellent institutions, but you also showed a lot of independence and maturity in handling the process, doing your research, etc. This shows wonderful maturity and competence. Trust your instincts, let them guide you, be as kind and patient with your parents as possible. You will go far.</p>

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<p>Making an assumption here, but if you/your father are asian, there may be some cultural response occurring on the part of your dad. Assure him that not only is Rice a phenomenal school, but there is a strong asian population there as well.</p>