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It will hurt them big time. H and I had to pay a higher second mortgage rate this year because older S several years ago didn't pay a cell phone bill that H had cosigned for.
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<p>Did the carrier give you a chance to make good? Or did they ding your credit immediately (day 31) when S didn't pay?</p>
<p>Motherwise- Just want to give you some support. I wish I could give you seems words of wisdom or make everythink OK- but I can't.<br>
I know when you deal with illness or those living with difficult situations- it can be a total drain and it affects everyone in the family- So just hang in there-</p>
<p>The only suggestion I can give- is that she MUST get sometype of employment. Be it a salesgirl- waitress- or Temp Office worker. Maybe she can also use her "anthropology" background in SOME format. Is there any historical center/museum/ library etc (I was a sociology/political science major- so I am not knocking anthropolpogy) that she can volunteer a few hours in addition to working.<br>
But Now is the time to GET A JOB - The HS and college kids are going back to school so many retail stores will soon be hiring- cause before you know it, it's XMAS!!
If she can work and also spend a few hours volunteering in an area which interests her, she may be able to better deal with an entry level job.</p>
<p>Too many of our kids have unrealistic expectations and have problems dealing with the reality of life- but it is only going to get harder for her if she puts it off- </p>
<p>My biggest thrill this summer was that I FORCED my d to get an on- campus job. She is working Food services for 10 to 15 hours a week. Hooray!!
I think "my little Princess" thought she was too high and mighty to work in the student cafeteria- but honestly, I wanted her to become "marketable" so that she could easily find a job once she got out of school. Being a waitress during the summer and for some extra income- ain't a bad way to go!!</p>
<p>I wish you and your family the best-
Marny</p>
<p>PS- and I am far from playing therapist- BUT if you are dealing with selfish/narcisstic behavior, therapy may not be that successful. It's amazing how much you can do with the right google type of search. Maybe you can read up on your d's symptoms and get some insight into her condition. See if you can find a support group for the medical condition. Sometimes I think there's a support group for every disease. You can often get very helpful info-</p>
<p>We didn't know that S hadn't paid his cell phone bill until it showed up on our credit rating when we applied for a second mortgage.</p>
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We didn't know that S hadn't paid his cell phone bill until it showed up on our credit rating when we applied for a second mortgage.
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<p>Ok, so it's possible that you could have stepped in and saved your own credit at some point after S defaulted.</p>
<p>As I said in my earlier post, I would call the lender and ask about it. My guess is that the co-signer of a student loan would be given an opportunity to make good on the loan before his or her credit is dinged.</p>
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I was really more interested in learning the tough love aspect of this. As one contributor correctly observed, the bank doesn't care who signs the check, they just care that they get their money. So if she defaults, and we pay back the loans to protect our own credit rating, she still comes off smelling like a rose. If thats the case, what lesson has she learned?
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She learns that if she cries or uses other levers at her disposal to get others to do what she wants, she may be able to later ignore her promises made at the time ("you have to sign or they won't give me the loan, but don't worry, I'll pay it back."). So chalk one up for her; she won this round. But that battle was 4+ years ago; the key now is to protect your financial credit and assets. </p>
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But how will this reflect on her credit rating? What is the process? Does she first default on the loans, and then we pay?
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See <a href="http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/credit/cosign.shtm%5B/url%5D">http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/credit/cosign.shtm</a> My take is you want to start making those monthly payments because if it goes into default they can demand the entire amount from you at once or sue you, and you'll have a default on YOUR record.</p>
<p>Lastly, I think you should try a different family therapist. It's great you post here and are getting advice, but don't you think the right family therapist would be helping you and your H decide how to handle this? If you aren't getting the right type of assistance from the family therapist then its worth trying another one, especially if you can find one that has experience dealing with the issues you're facing of an adult D that won't start adulthood.</p>
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4) I guess most of you have surmised by now that her medical condition is not purely physical. That's as much as I am going to disclose. I don't understand her illness, and I don't know how much she is capable of doing or not doing. She is working with a therapist, but the therapy does not seem to be helping, and I'm wondering if therapy can help.
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<p>In that case, this brings up the question of what if she is not capable of working at this time?</p>
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But that battle was 4+ years ago; the key now is to protect your financial credit and assets.
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This is what is bothering me about this scenario. This was not a one-time cosign 4+ years ago, but an annual cosign four years in a row. Was it a good idea to do the last cosign? What were the prospects for the D to get a decent job after graduation then only 9 months away? How many red flags were flying at that point?</p>
<p>With any degree from a top 10 university, the D should be able to get some kind of job that will allow her to pay off that loan. It's unlikely that she or anyone else of that age will land their dream job, but she definitely should be able to find employment. The question that's glaring is, "Is she looking for a job?"</p>
<p>To add to what dt123 said, if she was like this to begin with, why let her go away to college at all?</p>
<p>This is a tough situation, and I don't have suggestions. I just wanted to relay a story about another family. My parents knew another couple. The H was a father to a son from a first marriage that ended in divorce. He was remarried to a lovely lady who had never been married before and did not have any biological children. Their son/stepson was a gambler. He would gamble any money that he got his hands on. His parents just threw their hands up and decided to pay for only one thing for their only son. They paid for his health insurance because they knew that he would never pay any premiums on his own, and they wanted their own peace of mind if anything were to happen to him. They did not care how or where he lived and offered him no other assistance after he had blown several other handouts. They realized that they could not "fix" him. He made his way, but I never followed up on the story about any specifics. I do know that they even set up a plan so that if they died, their son could not just go through their lifetime of savings in a night at a casino.</p>
<p>One of the great things about temping is that the hours can be felxible (in case of dr. appts., etc.) and it exposes one to a variety of different kinds of working environments. My DH temped summers while in college, and I did it afterwards while trying to find a job in journalism that paid more than $12K a year. </p>
<p>I woulnd up at a major mutual fund firm that hired lots of liberal arts types and trained them. I applied for a FT job, and wound up in a career where I could use my journalism and political science skills, and develop some math/accounting ability, too. </p>
<p>OP, if your daughter's doctors feel her health issues are disabling, you might be able to talk to the lenders about getting a medical deferment while she undergoes whatever she needs to do to get healthy again. Tough choices all around here.</p>
<p>Hi, as a 17 year old soph. looking at 60k in debt (and a BA/MA in anthro btw) I know how college loans are. I'm borrowing $$ from my dad now (no fin. aid) and even though I'd never welch on a loan from him, he made me sign a notarized promisary note just to make expectations crystal clear...if you bail your daughter out, I suggest the same. Also, this may seem counter-intuitive, but maybe she could look into cheap/instate law schools, defer the loans for school and have serious job prospects when she graduates in 3 years...best of luck!</p>
<p>I would agree that the medical insurance is imperative, and it will do more for your peace of mind than anything else. There may come a day when this will not be such a problem in this country, but it sure is now!</p>
<p>It will not be possible for her to get an apartment, car, phone, etc., without some cash for deposits. This is where you stop the dependency....if you are paying her loans, you have nothing else available for her wants. She cannot accrue money without a job, and once she has a job, perhaps she will be more responsible. It may be that she will be so unpleasant, you would prefer she move out, leave the rest of the family in peace, quite understandable. That call is yours. </p>
<p>Good luck, and CC cyber-hugs to you through your parenting challenge. Lorelei</p>
<p>does she have a starbucks nearby?? if u work 24+ hours a week u can get health insurance..u could probably get a Assistant Manager job or something..she doesn't have to be a barista(the people who make the coffee/do the cashier)</p>
<p>While I agree that some people "just can't be helped" and their parents might eventually choose to steer clear of them, I think it's WAY, WAY premature to suggest that this girl is like that. </p>
<p>Here's what I see: a bright, mentally ill young woman who persevered and got herself a great education despite her illness. Parents who did everything they could to help. A big post-graduation downward spiral triggered by a large, overwhelming life transition. A lot of shame about the whole situation, but the mental illness causing her to be paralyzed, rather than spurred into action, by the shame. I don't get the impression she has ever said, "Mom, Dad, I don't want to get a job or pay back my loans." I seriously doubt the D is any happier with this situation than the mom is. There may be an element of "I don't want to do menial jobs," but it's only been what, 2-3 months since graduation? She's not exactly a 35 year old mooching off her parents here.</p>
<p>As others have said, the ink is not dry on this girl. Clearly she has demonstrated motivation before, and is very bright. I would NOT label her as narcisstic/selfish, and write her off, nor would I lecture her endlessly about responsibility and adulthood, as this might only make her feel more ashamed, and dig the spiral deeper into the ground. </p>
<p>I could be wrong, as I don't know the details of hte D's health problem. But believe it or not, I have known people who went through similar things, and came out the other end as functional adults.</p>
<p>I feel great sympathy for the OP, as our family has dealt for many years with a (now adult) child with physical and mental health issues – and looking back with 20/20 hindsight, it’s easy to spot more than one fork in the road where a different decision might have resulted in a different outcome. OP, instructive as everyone’s comments about “what might have been” might be as cautions for other posters, I think you can only start from where you are. No point in beating yourselves up about what might have been. You cannot have a do-over from decision you made four years ago. But you CAN take inventory of the situation you’re grappling with now, and figure out how to deal with it, hopefully minimize the fall-out, and perhaps determine how to change behaviors and decision-making processes to support better future outcomes. </p>
<p>Since you are the co-signers of the loan, you and H must deal with that to protect yourselves. Accept that (maybe with some additional financial advice on how to minimize your exposure or re-package the debt if possible) and then deal with the other issues separately. Health insurance: have your investigated every option, as other posters have urged? Therapy: should you reassess the quality of the therapy and counseling you’re receiving? How would you go about looking for alternatives? Your D’s responsibilities: what are your “house rules?” Although in the circumstances making her get a job probably can’t be a requirement for the loan repayment, surely you can consider what other rules you CAN set as a requirement for you continuing to provide her room, board and other $$. If her health makes it unrealistic for her to hold a job at this time, there must be other realistic expectations and requirements that you can lay out for her, even if only chores on behalf of the household and other family members. Whatever her level of health issues and physical and/or mental/emotional impairment, there must be concrete ways for her to take even baby steps towards personal responsibility and empowerment. And a competent therapist should be working to help your family identify some of those. </p>
<p>If she can’t -- or won’t -- cooperate in solving these problems even minimally to the degree appropriate to her current ability, then I agree with the posters who suggest you really should look for recourse beyond your family; your daughter is (or will soon be) an adult, and heartbreaking as it might be for you, you cannot shoulder this burden all alone. Ultimately that will not help you OR your daughter.</p>
<p>Best of luck to your and your family.</p>
<p>Most people on this thread are assuming that the D actually graduated. But the OP said "She attended.... " and "She is not in school any more. She studied anthropology"; I got the impression that the D did not complete her degree. </p>
<p>One of the posts suggested going back to school; perhaps a comm college; that, and maybe a part-time job, seems reasonable. The worst thing a depressed person can do - any of us - is nothing.</p>
<p>Dontpanic,
Yes, without all the facts, people tend to give faulty advice (me...I'm raising my hand here...).</p>
<p>I don't know where you live and each state msy handle it differently, but a great way to make some money is to substitute teach. It brings in over 100 bucks a pop here in my rural/economicly depressed part of CA. If she lives at home and works 15 days a month she would have enough to start paying and and maybe put some aside. All that is required in CA for what is called an Emergency Teaching Credential is a BA or BS, passing a proficiency test, and having yoiur prints run through the FBI database. In addition you can pick and choose where you want to sub...elementary Middle or High School and in my district we have subs that could work 5 days a week if the wanted.</p>
<p>You have a couple of problems here, you need some tough love, but not so tough she is crushed and gives up, yet not so easy going that is promotes taking advantage of you.</p>
<p>Above all you must protect yourselves and the family. Contact the lender, tell them you are the co-signer and ask what methods they use....use an example of your daughter living away from you and ask how you would be notified if the loan were not being repaid on time BEFORE your credit is affected. This is a reasonable question whether you think your D will pay or not. Do not tell them too much, just ask as if everything is fine. Your issues are not their issues, but ask follow up questions as to how it might go that it would hit your D's credit THEN you would be notified she was in default and you would be allowed to remedy the loan before your credit would be negatively impacted.</p>
<p>Perhaps in a seperate call you could determine what would be required to extend the delay before payments begin...though interest would accrue.</p>
<p>It may sound chintzy, but if you pay for your Ds health insurance and student loans and do not end up doing that for the other kids, to be fair to them, you could recapture the extra amount paid on your Ds behalf in your will, so that "Someday" it equals out. I have a friend who did that, one child required a gret deal more financial intervention through bad luck, he got it, but the other child will see an adjustment in the will!</p>
<p>Then, if you can find a good therapist to help you determine some baby steps to financial and emotional independence that would be great, some tough love with small steps of acheivement could help her build up her confidence in her ability to be on her own!</p>