<p>^ Why won’t you just listen to your daughter?</p>
<p>Maybe she’s so dramatic because she doesnt feel heard…</p>
<p>She is being heard. She’s saying she hate her school because it is too rural, then wants to go to other schools just as rural (or more so). She’s saying she doesn’t like the drinking culture, but hasn’t researched any schools that have a different culture. She wants to go somewhere else just because it is somewhere else. Sounds like a teenager to me. Her parents don’t want her going more than a few hours from home - that isn’t an unusual requirement. The parents have set a budget because they also have another child who will be starting college. Again, not unreasonable.</p>
<p>I’d do what Ellen94 is doing - let daughter do the work to investigate these other schools, but stick to the budget. I’d say no to California (and I did say that to my daughter). I steered my kids to certain schools because those were the schools I could afford. It is not unusual for a student to go to their state flagship and for that to be the only choice.</p>
<p>^ That’s fair, but if I’m reading the posts right, it’s not a matter of OP setting a budget. OP forced her daughter to accept UMass before the deadline, even though other private preferred schools nearby would have (it turns out) been cheaper.</p>
<p>If it were just a matter of OP saying to her daughter: here are the clear rules, no more than 500 miles away, no more than $amount per year, then nobody could argue. But OP seems to be acting in a much more controlling and domineering way than that, and talking as if her daughter couldn’t possibly know her own mind. But daughter has been demonstrably more competent at the college process than mom has.</p>
<p>@twoinanddone what you’re missing is that the daughter’s school guidance counselor didn’t help her with finding schools and she doesn’t know how to research schools which would be a good fit. There’s a difference between someone hearing what she says and someone listening to what she says. I was hoping that Ellen would direct her daughter to this site so she can ask for help in finding some good options. She is a teenager as are most college freshmen. That doesn’t mean that her concerns aren’t valid. The mother’s two concerns, that she’s expressed here anyway, are financial and distance. Both of those can likely be met while still meeting the daughter’s needs. </p>
<p>Well said, @SoMuch2Learn My teenagers HEAR my words…but that’s a far cry from listening. One is passive, the other requires active participation. </p>
<p>I think there are too many issues and emotions all tangled up in this situation to really tell what’s truly causing D problems. Talking candidly with her, and trying not to engage in defensive behavior when D shifts blame completely to mom will be tricky. Good luck to both.</p>
<p>I’m not missing the lack of help from a guidance counselor since we had no help at all. I attended my instate flagship. and there was nothing wrong with it. Father, state school. Sister and brothers? State school. My daughters could have attended ours too, but neither wanted to. However, that’s what I could afford and would have liked them to both go to a school within 2 hours of our home. I was set the budget, I helped them look for alternatives, and they found them (although one is 2000 miles away, not 100). Honestly, my kids were big on the complaining, not so big on the doing extra research to find alternatives that were truly different from what was available near home.</p>
<p>If OP wasn’t trying to help her daughter, she wouldn’t have posted here. I think daughter has a lot of possibilities, but OP should stop feeling guilty that she ‘forced’ her daughter to go to the state school. Daughter could have stayed home, could have done more to advocate for herself, could have said she’d sell her car and pay the deposit at another school herself. I think many 18 year olds expect school to be perfect, to be fun all the time, to have great food and activities 24/7, instant lifelong friendships, romantic relationships galore. Immediately. Oh, and the students shouldn’t ever hear from a high school friend that things are more fun at their schools because that might mean a ‘bad’ choice of schools was made. My daughter is having a wonderful time at her college, it is more than she ever dreamed of, yet there are times when she can’t wait to get away. She told me the other day she couldn’t wait to come home for Thanksgiving and spend 5 whole days at home (with her dog, the rest of us don’t really matter). Other daughter thinks her school social life is boring, but knows it is the right choice for her. They accept the bad with the good.</p>
<p>If OP made a mistake, it was in not teaching her daughter that everything would not be perfect. UMass might be the wrong school for the daughter, but jumping to another school will not correct everything and suddenly make college life great. Daughter needs to decide what she wants, what is available, how she can finance it. She needs to stay within the budget and the geographic restrictions. My daughter at the boring school has had two of her good friends leave school already. These kids chose the school, had scholarships, friends, were involved, but just couldn’t or wouldn’t make it work. My daughter doesn’t really have other options that would be as good academically for her, so she makes it work.</p>
<p>^ I think you are projecting an awful lot based on information that isn’t available. Even OP seems to accept she made mistakes.</p>
<p>@twoinanddone The OP’s daughter was not allowed to tour other schools. She actually sounds rather independent. She did all the work herself even filling out the FASFA forms. She is now investigating on her own with a car she provides for herself. How many college kids have to enroll in college sight unseen? And it does not seem like she was allowed to switch. What was the girl supposed to do? I went to state college also. Thankfully my state college is not UMass or I would have been overwhelmed.</p>
<p>@Ellen94 You have to decide how you would like your adult relationship with your daughter to be. You’re in a new phase. Many people have to go to state school but the circumstances here are outside the norm. You have three more years with her and then she could be anywhere doing anything and it sounds like she’s increasingly distancing herself from you.</p>
<p>Why do you want her to stay where she is? Why don’t you want her to transfer?</p>
<p>She didn’t want to go to a party school, and Mom insisted she go to U Mass although other choices were equally affordable. Unless the only other choice was Penn State or something, I can see why the daughter is unhappy. All schools have partying, but some schools have a lot more than other schools. If most kids you meet binge three days a week, it can be hard to find friends to socialize with if you’re not into the drunk scene.</p>
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<p>When a school is labeled a “party school”, it means the partying is prevalent to the extent it exerts an apparent influence over campus life…including dorms. This was indeed the case with UMass when my cousin attended it in the mid-late '80s and it affected him despite being an honors student in dorms filled with fellow honors students. It wasn’t called “Zoo Mass” for nothing, especially back then. Moreover, some honors students are also hardcore partiers which may be incompatible with students who prefer a more lower-key dorm/campus experience. There’s a reason why none of his younger siblings opted for UMass or even considered it. </p>
<p>On the flipside, students looking for the party school college experience would have been miserable at my small private LAC. Alcohol and loud raucous parties weren’t the “in” thing there when I attended. </p>
<p>I am understanding now that UMass is more of a party school, and that it isn’t a good fit for her. She is touring other schools, and WILL be transferring regardless of what I say; her criteria are: </p>
<p>1) Urban/ Suburban
2) Not labeled a “party school”
3) Average class size of fifty or less; she wants to avoid lecture halls.</p>
<p>She’s willing to compromise on being in the city if it means it’s a little less expensive, especially if she brings her car with her next year. </p>
<p>Very reasonable. Now what is your criteria? And I think it is reasonable to specify cost and location.</p>
<p>I’d prefer New Hampshire, Rhode Island, or Mass. I’m paying up to 15,000 a year; she’ll have to find a way to pay the rest. </p>
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<p>You can easily have an average class size of 50 or less even if most students are in huge classes. Just have one lecture of 400 students, and nine classes of 10 students each. Average class size is 45, but the vast majority of students are in the huge lecture. So this statistic can be very misleading. Most big research universities pull some version of this trick.</p>
<p>That is a very workable amount. Good locations. What is her major?</p>
<p>She’s a nursing major</p>
<p>That’s a great major.</p>
<p>I would start with the net price calculators. In case you do not know what they are… net price calculators are online forms that you fill out so that you can get the sticker shock of the college in the comfort of your own bedroom. She probably knows this but collegedata.com has a lot of information about each college admissions, financials etc… I would start there since you understand your own situation. You can also post here under: College search and selection but you need to provide her information. UMass is actually a very smart choice for that major but I completely understand her discomfort. The good news is that your daughter is a smart young woman with a good major that does not want to waste your money partying. I hope your daughter sees this and thanks you also. It is a hard thing to do to open yourself up for criticism and you must work very hard to be able to give her so much each year.</p>