<p>My daughter is a freshman at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, and she absolutely hates it. </p>
<p>She hasn't liked it since she got there; she's not a fan of the party atmosphere, and she dislikes being in such a rural area. She says she feels pressured to drink and there's a really big drug culture there that she is uncomfortable with. She has a couple of friends that she hangs out with and she's involved with some campus clubs, but she says she doesn't feel at home in Amherst and wants to transfer next year. </p>
<p>I like UMass; I won't lie about it, I really talked it up and probably pressured her into it. She's my first in college and neither my husband or I attended, so I did not know about the process. We did not tour schools and she handled all of the FAFSA forms on her own, but we only sent them out to three schools. </p>
<p>I don't want her to transfer; I have another heading off next year and I don't need both of them in private schools. She's willing to add two other Mass state schools on her list, but she also wants to apply to Northeastern and Simmons and potentially colleges that are father away, while I would prefer she stay in the Massachusetts/ Rhode Island area. </p>
<p>I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave UMass, but I feel that she'll resent me if I make her stay in a place where she's that miserable. At the current moment, she's angry with me because I will not cosign student loans for her. We're a mess right now and I don't know what to do. </p>
<p>Have any other parents experienced a similar situation? Do you have any advice? </p>
<p>Well, you need to remember that this is her college experience, not yours. So if, at the end of the year, she is still unhappy, she should have the right to transfer. However, as a parent, you should set some limits which can include a budget and a geographical limit if necessary.</p>
<p>I think the not touring schools part was a mistake, and hopefully that will change by the time your next daughter goes to college. There are some schools (see the bookmarked threads on the FA forum) where students may be eligible for scholarships, sometimes even covering full tuition.</p>
<p>Ask her to wait it out until at least the semester is over, if she is still feeling that way by winter’s break it may be time to seriously consider transferring and map out colleges that may be within your budget</p>
<p>Edit: I’m not sure if any of the tension is caused by the unfamiliarity with the college process, but schools, libraries, and community centers often have free info session about navigating colleges, financial aid, and the whole process that may be worth attending. Additionally, there is always CC!</p>
<p>Don’t let your daughter jump from the frying pan into the fire. Transferring without visiting just sets her up for more problems. Over winter break, I would tell her what your budgetary restrictions are. Sit her down to review options, and run the net price calculators on her choices. BUT, you need to tell her that sometimes aid is not as good for transfer students as freshman, so she may not get what is shown on the calculators, and make it clear what the cost parameters are for her to attend.</p>
<p>I do think you own this issue to some extent by pushing a school that didn’t turn out to be right for her. Help her out by confirming the financial parameters, but also helping her research and visit other options that make sense. Since you didn’t attend college, and she is the one going, you really need to let her take the lead on this within your boundaries (not sure what you “liked” about UMass except the cost, since it sounds like no one has really been there). </p>
<p>It was mainly the cost that i loved-she also received a scholarship which brought the tuition down even more. She was on the phone with a family friend the other night hysterical because she knew she wouldn’t get the same scholarships she did as a freshman applicant. I don’t know what to do here because I can’t change the past and be more supportive than I was. </p>
<p><<<<
At the current moment, she’s angry with me because I will not cosign student loans for her. We’re a mess right now and I don’t know what to do.
<<<<</p>
<p>Let her be angry. You’re saving her and yourself from a huge mistake.</p>
<p>OK…so an error may have been made not touring schools. What exactly was the situation when she was applying? Were you set on UMass because that is what you knew you could afford? Did she have the stats to get merit awards elsewhere? </p>
<p>If you pushed her into a school thinking that was your only affordable choice, then you can’t really fault yourself. </p>
<p>Do you know what your EFC was? Did she qualify for any aid? How much do you pay for her to go to UMass? </p>
<p>UMaine Fort Kent has very low cost. You might look there. </p>
<p>Also…at UMass…has she joined any clubs or groups that attract people who are less likely to party?</p>
<p>first off. You are not alone. Lots of kids hate school their first year. Don’t beat your self up. Stay calm. I know it hard when your kid is misery and you aren’t “on site” to help. Take adeep beath.</p>
<p>My D, a student at another 5 college school in the area , was also VERYunhappy her first year. I get it. </p>
<p>This is how I concled my d:
1). GPA GPA she needs good grades to transfer.<br>
2) over the winter break you’ll discuss the possibility of transfer and help her research schools.<br>
3). And this means filing out the CSS profile and fafsa to see if she’ll be eligible for aid. (Tell her you help her get aid if possible but will not co-sign loans)
4) recommend that she enroll in one class at one of the other 5 college schools. Pick a class on topic that interests her. That way she gets off campus at least 2x per week. My d took classes at Amherst and hamphire. That way she what other schools are like.
5) is there anything about umas she likes? Try to have focus on the good points. The gym is nice. Maybe take a few spinning or yoga classes. Physical exercise helps mood and she may meet some like minded gals. You get the idea…
6). What does she wasn’t to do at umas before she transfers? Has she tried everything that appealed to her In the first place. When looking at schools my d really liked the library at her school. Come to find out. She never set foot I’m the library her first semester.<br>
7) acknowledge her unhappiness without encouraging it. They don’t call it zoo mass for nothing. My d has pals at umas not all are heavy parties. I do think that party scram gets a lot of attention. But I don’t think the majority of the kids are drunken fools.<br>
8) urge her to take the pvt to Northampton. Maybe with a friend. Get off campus now and then. I think pe trepan runs an express bus to boston once in while. That might be fun too. </p>
<p>Don’t loose hope. My d now LOVES her school. Yep there’s parts she doesn’t like but she learned how to avoid or compensate for those aspects. </p>
<p>It’s a process and it’s not always easy. Best of luck. </p>
<p>When she was applying to schools, I really wasn’t that involved. I didn’t want her touring with other people, but at the same time I was unable to take off time to tour with her; she ended up getting a list of schools with her program from her guidance counselor and applying to the ones where she knew people. </p>
<p>I really didn’t understand the concept of financial aid; I was intimidated by the large sticker price of some of these schools and made her commit before even getting some of her acceptances back. Later on, she got a lot of aid from some of her top choices. </p>
<p>She’s involved in a mental illness awareness organization and an LGBT group on campus and seems to like those. She lives on campus. </p>
<p>Sorry she’s feeling this way, that must be really upsetting for you! I’m somewhat familiar with UMass…the thing about giant schools like that is that there’s all kinds of people there, and there has to be thousands of students who aren’t into partying or drugs. I’m not sure exactly how it works but is there any way to take advantage of the five college consortium, maybe? Perhaps she might feel more at home taking classes at Smith or Mt. Holyoke.</p>
<p>It’s not uncommon for kids to hate their school at this point in Freshman year, even at Harvard and such. Partying is also common everywhere. If she is not a partier, she can feel left out until she meets those who are kindred spirits, which can take time. Is she far from you? Is she homesick? This is a huge transition at any rate and doesn’t happen fast or easily. You might tell her these are normal feelings. Can she do anything to make things better there? Change dorms, or get a counselor or start a new activity?</p>
<p>I fault guidance counselors who do not tell parents or students that some privates can end up being more affordable than publics- if you qualify for financial aid (or she could get merit aid). But personally, I love UMass and many of the bright kids we know do go there for financial reasons.</p>
<p>There is a lot going on in Northhampton nearby. Can she get involved with classes at Amherst, Smith, Mt. Holyoke or Hampshire? Can she get off campus to go to Northhampton?</p>
<p>Finally if you are not far away, I think that adjustment for some kids goes better if they can come home a little more often. For some that interferes with adjustment, so you would know best on that.</p>
<p>Remind her also that once she gets into a major and is involved with a department, things improve quite a bit. </p>
<p>Smart move about the loans: just had a long talk with one of my daughter’s friends who is graduating with debt and feels he has no choice about how to live his life until it is paid off, which won’t be for quite a while.</p>
<p>Ellen see my post above. Have her look into taking a class at MHC or smith. I’d avoid the 101 intro classes as they tend to bigger. I believe the 5 college offerings are on line. Kinda hard to figure at first. My d and spent 3 hours on the phone looking over the listings. Make it fun. Get her to laugh. You’ll both fell better.</p>
<p>She’s talked to her advisor about taking an English course at Smith, but as a freshman her registration date is pretty late she’s been told that her chances aren’t that great. She’s a little upset over that because the class sizes are much smaller and she thinks that would be a better fit.</p>
<p>5 college registration is different. Classes at MHC rarely fill up and there a good chance shell get off the wait list.<br>
Here anther tip. Try for a class around meal time. That wAy she can get tickets to eat in the smith or MHC dining halls on her class days. Another frat way to get off campus. My did this at Amherst. Saved her sanity.</p>
<p>If she thinks there won’t be the same pressures to drink and party at other schools, she is wrong. There will always be pressure. At some schools she might feel the pressure to dress a certain way or go to the beach for spring break or spend money on pizza every night. If she names 5 things she doesn’t like about UMass, make sure these 5 things aren’t at the schools she’s thinking of transferring to (they will be). </p>
<p>Amherst is not in a city, but it isn’t exactly in the boonies either. She’s only 30 minutes from Springfield, a little farther to Boston or Hartford. There are the 5 colleges to pick classes from (which I know they discourage freshmen from doing, so she has that to look forward to next semester or year). It sounds like she’s willing to stick it out this year, and her opinion can change. When she comes home and compares notes with her high school friends, she may discover her experience is not that different than friends who went to UVM or SUNY or any other public school, that even those in private school feel pressure to party, that even those going to school in a city have spent most of their time studying and very little going to Broadway plays or big sporting events. My daughter at a small private school called me this morning and said she went to bed at 8 last night because there was nothing to do. My other child at a bigger state school (although really in the boonies) had been up since 5 am for her sorority activities, went ice skating all afternoon, and then did an activity all night - none of it involving alcohol because she just chooses not to drink.</p>
<p>She is willing to stick out the year, and she does have a solid group of friends-some are from high school and some are kids she’s met through her LGBT group. They go to the movies together, head out for pizza, and this weekend they’re going into Northhampton for an event at Smith.</p>
<p>She wants to apply to different schools next year, a few of which she was already accepted to; she also agreed to tour Salem and Fitchburg state as financial safeties, mainly because they’re closer to Boston and she’ll have access to the city if she wants it. </p>
<p>She has come home several times-I don’t see her much, as she’s off with her friends or heading off to someone’s school for a weekend visit. She says that they all seem to like their schools and that she really likes Saint Anselm and Northeastern, two of the most expensive schools she was interested in. </p>
<p>It just feels like neither of us can win in this situation</p>
<p>On the whole pressure thing, on some campuses there are more pressure to do things than others. But at any school you can find your own crowd. Yes, there are people that drink and party at my own college, and while I choose not to partake, I am able to form a close knit group of friends that don’t drink. And people generally respect that. My friends who attend another large school such as UConn ( a rural state school) have commented at a larger school it may be easier to find people that have similar interests because there are so many student organizations and types of people you can meet. At some rural LACs where the drinking culture is prevalent, it may be harder to find different types of people because there are more limited activities. If her current group of friends are pressuring her, it may be time to get new friends</p>
<p>Yep north eastern was one of the school my d wanted as transfer. But look at NE transfer tequirements… Not happening. </p>
<p>Umas is good school with a solid rep nation wide. The other state schools - not so much. (Although I think rep matters little). Your d worked hard for her scholarship to umas. Remind her of that. Can to go see her? Take her to lunch? </p>
<p>She might be able to go back to these schools and ask about transferring, and if she could still get a similar aid package. </p>
<p>Maybe you SHOULD take some time over winter break for her to at least go see some campuses. No students around probably, depending on their break schedules, but somehow she has to get out to visit before pursuing transfers.</p>